Fun:Types of people who go to Hell

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Balloons.svg The following contains an admixture of parody. This notice-box has been stuck here to prevent readers from suffering the sort of confusion to which Poe's Law refers.
Okay, thieves and child molesters are givens, yes, but why were rational thinkers left off? Aren't lesbians homosexuals too or did you just want to be doubly sure? And why are sports fans on there? Did God say, "Thou shalt not watch the Super Bowl"? And how exactly does one 'monger' a whore? Y'know what, let's just say the sign is messed up and leave it at that.
The same list after the Gospel is factored in.

What happens in Hell[edit]

Nobody can really make up their mind what happens in hell. Some say that their extremely benevolent and kind God condemns you to eternal torture; others say that it is absence from the presence of God; while yet others say that sod all happens in Hell due to its not actually existing.

Types of people who go to Hell[edit]

Again, nobody can make their minds up. Most fundamentalists say that hell is reserved for amoral people. They can narrow this down into a few specific types of people:

An angel throwing out the trash.
Detail from a Jack Chick tract.[1]
  • Sports Fans (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Blasphemers
  • Money lovers (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Pagans
  • Muslims
  • Critics of Israel (unless they're fundamentalist ministers)
  • Jews
  • (This list entry removed due to a legal dispute by the Church of Scientology)
  • (This list entry removed due to a legal dispute by the Church of Latter Day Saints)
  • Prostitutes
  • Witches
  • Gamblers
  • Gamers
  • Nazis (unless they're American Conservative fundamentalists)
  • Whoremongers
  • Ba'athists
  • Child molesters (unless they're priests)
  • Pot smokers
  • Furries
  • Bronies
  • Psychics
  • People who have abortions (unless they're abortion protesters)[1]
    • People who provide abortions
    • People who don't vote against abortions
    • Fetuses that were aborted
    • Fetuses that were miscarried (spontaneously aborted)
    • People who assist others to obtain or perform abortions
    • People who mention abortion as an option in counselling pregnant women, whether or not the women brought the subject up
    • People who think, abstractly, about having, performing, or assisting others to have or perform abortions
    • People who work, in any capacity, in connection with any clinic that performs abortions, whether or not they themselves are medical personnel, whether or not abortions make up more than 0.1% of a clinic's client services (no, the weekend janitor doesn't get off any lighter than the abortion-performing doctor)
  • Dead people
  • Atheists and other Heathen scum
  • Agnostics
  • The Irish
  • The French
  • People who live in a country other than good ol' US of A
  • Evolution believers
  • Transsexuals and anyone who likes them, loves them, or even just grants them the minimal human dignity of a safe place to pee
  • Non-Christians, like Gandhi
  • According to that nice sensible Jack Chick, you can go to hell for masturbation — Well, Jack Chick was old and could probably resist temptation. If he had masturbated when young, he had probably repented and asked God to forgive him.
    • Chick seems to have thought that you get damned for drinking tea and taking an aspirin (although he didn't state in which order you have to do them to be eternally damned).
  • Christians that don't take their Bible literally enough.
  • Christians that go to a different church than they do God does.
  • Catholics (according to Protestants)
  • Protestants (according to Catholics)
  • Jehovah's Witnesses
  • Dancers and gymnasts (unless they are Pentecostals)
  • Girls who wear pants
  • Girls who wear dresses that are too short
  • Black people (according to racists)
  • Racists (according to anyone who isn’t racist)
  • 4channers/EDiots
  • People who travel to or live in a certain town in Michigan.
  • People who wandalize wikis, including elementary/primary school students and little old ladies.
  • You
  • Your brother
  • Your 2nd cousin
  • Your 2nd cousin twice removed
  • Your pet dog
  • Your 2nd cousin's pet dog
  • Your 2nd cousin's pet dog's groomer, her girlfriend, and her other girlfriend, and their pet dog
  • Goats
  • RationalWiki users like yourself (yes, you!)
  • The computers of RationalWiki users (they shall be exposed to magnets for eternity)
  • The squirrel who eats bird seed out of the bird feeder of a Unitarian minister
  • The offspring of the squirrel who eats bird seed out of the bird feeder of a Unitarian minister
  • Fundamentalist ministers
  • Pokémon players
  • Dungeons and Dragons players
  • Commies
  • Benedict ArnoldWikipedia
  • Cats
  • In short, anyone they disagree with

Who goes to hell part two[edit]

  • Anyone named in Jennie C. Riley's Harper Valley P.T.A. , the Beatles Lucy's in the in the Sky with Diamonds, or John Fred and his Playboy Band's Judy's in Disguise with Glasses
  • Anyone who refuses to kiss Hank's ass

Who goes to hell part three[edit]

I forget what he did, but it's not as much fun as it looks.
Can you guess which one is the barrator?
This might be fun for a while, but after like a million years or so it gets really uncomfortable.

According to Dante (with special thanks to Gustave Doré's illustrations) the layers of Hell are (heading downwards) populated by: [2]

  • The lustful - you can do a lot worse. Also, the punishment sounds kind of cool. Lust ftw!
  • Gluttons (Unless it's a Fundamentalist)
  • The avaricious and prodigal
  • The irascible and the sullen
  • Heretics
  • Minotaurs, centaurs, and herpes harpies
  • Suicides
  • Blasphemers - most of us here
  • Homosexuals
  • Usurers
  • The deceitful (Unless they're Lying for Jesus)
  • Seducers
  • Paramours and flatters
  • Simoniacs — if you are not sure, look it up, but it ain't pretty and it is pretty much Republicans Democrats from here on down.
  • Sorcerers
  • Fortune tellers (Unless a Fundamentalist receives a vision from God)
  • Barrators
  • Hypocrites (Unless Fundamentalists contradict the Bible themselves)
  • Thieves (Unless you're a Televangelical)
  • Evil counselors (Also known as Liberals)
  • Schismatics
  • Sowers of discord
  • Forgers
  • Dante himself, apparently.

And in the last (lowest) circle, we find:

  • traitors
  • child molesters
  • People who talk in the theater (Abraham Lincoln never saw it coming!)

Dante missed the future abode of

  • Leopold II of Belgium
  • Nazis
  • Stalinists
  • Khmer Rouge
  • Ba'athists
  • perpetrators of the Rwanda genocide
  • ISIS

Who WON'T go to hell[edit]

Since its been pretty well established that just about everyone, their brother, their 2nd cousin, and their pet dog is destined to burn for all eternity (or freeze for all eternity, or... whatever the fundamentalists decide what happens in hell). We thought it'd just be easier to list who isn't destined to an eternity of... whatever.


  2. Doré, Gustave, The Doré Illustrations for Dante's Divine Comedy. Dover Publications, NY, 1976


  1. That's a link to Ted Haggard because he's a fundamentalist minister, not because he's gay (since he isn't).