|Live, reproduce, die|
|Life as we know it|
|Divide and multiply|
“”One cat just leads to another.
“”That cat’s something I can’t explain
|—Pink Floyd “Lucifer Sam” |
A cat is a cute domestic or wild animal
that secretly rules over us humans while tricking us into thinking that we are its "owners"  or, unless they remain indoors at all times, a little unholy wildlife-decimating abomination that makes insufferable noises (and often also serves as a general term for members of the family Felidae, wild or domesticated). Unlike Dogs, Cats can for the most part take care of themselves.
“”Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are God. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are Gods.
|—Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever|
A domestic cat (Felis catus or Felis silvestris catus, depending on whom you ask) is a member of the Felidae, or feline, family of animals, readily identifiable by its adorableness, other affiliated quirks and charms, or from the rancid blood of baby chickadees that clings to its flea-ridden fur. A cat is a vicious evil mini-lion that will rake its claws across a human's face when it is being petted. Other than that, the main contribution cats make to our lives is their ability to move with supernatural grace and while the outdoor cats earn the well-deserved ire of New World ecologists and those who don't want to listen to two unpleasant moaning cats in the middle of the night. Where a dog would run through a flower patch, stepping randomly on every flower on the way, felines are aware of where they place their feet at every step, their back foot going in the exact same spot as the front foot. A cat can jump 4 feet up onto a mantlepiece covered with fragile knicknacks, and not knock over a single one. Unless they want to. It should be noted that a cat apparently derives great pleasure from gently pushing things (the more fragile/breakable the better) off surfaces to the floor below and then maintaining a look of injured innocence.
Cats are (usually) the natural enemies of all other smaller life forms and delight in torturing smaller beasts by killing them slowly. Examples include mice, rats, or, if the cat is exceptionally lucky, a long-eared jerboa. The only animal smaller than a cat that the cat does not do such to is a smaller dog, the smallest dogs (usually terrier breeds) that the cat might treat as if a fellow cat. However, a cat may be able to suppress this instinct if raised with the animal, although there's no telling when it will attack other animals (for example, a cat who grew up with mice may be willing to slaughter hamsters). The mere fact that an animal is larger than any particular cat is no guarantee that it will be safe from attack. Humans can satisfy this instinct in a more environmentally-acceptable manner by casting balls of wool and small fluffy toys for them to play with. It should be noted however that a cat will prefer to play with a ball of wool which is in use rather than one which has been provided for the purpose.
Cats carry in their little heads a detailed mental map of every place they frequent, and are visibly startled when a new object appears - especially if it is another cat or a person screaming and running to have it get the fuck off the yard. This being a rather effective adaptation for a relatively small animal that must contend with some much larger predators including coyotes and owls (neither which have decimated wildlife on the same degree cats have done), cats will often explore whatever additions or alterations they find to ensure their awareness of any and all gaps they may hide in, and whether or not such gaps can be used for ambush purposes.
Cats are an interesting quirk of evolution - at an early point in human history (roughly 12,000 years ago)[note 1] wildcats (Felis silvestris) began to live near settled humans, and by their reliance on early human tribes, decided to
domesticate humans while making them think that cats let themselves be domesticated, and developed traits to aid in their newfound life. As mentioned in the caption, the furry mammal in the top picture of the two in this section is a wildcat and not a domesticated cat (though they do have a similar appearance to domesticated cats), so petting it is not a good idea. Wildcats are close relatives of the domesticated cat and the latter is generally considered to be a subspecies of the former by biologists who do not consider the two to be separate species (biologists that do classify them as separate species refer to them as Felis catus; biologists who don't use Felis silvestris catus). It is believed cats were accepted by people after communities started to store surplus grain and other food products, which attracted the rodents that cats so skillfully hunt and kill, making cats useful to have around—especially since, being obligatory carnivores, the kitties wouldn't turn around and eat the grain themselves.
Felines in fact might have been domesticated twice, as the unrelated Leopard Cat (Prionailurus bengalensis) has a now extinct domesticated Chinese subspecies, which underwent extinction as it was replaced by typical Felis catus in human homes.
Ancient Egypt was thought to be the first civilization to domesticate cats, but that has been proven false. The Egyptian word for cat is "Mau," which sounds awfully like "meow." They worshipped Bastet, a cat-headed goddess.
In return for food, drink, excrement removal, bed, and universal health care, a cat gives back companionship and a daily lesson in how to move. Occasionally a cat will present its
owner property with the corpse of an even smaller mammal or avian. Often this gift will be in installments - later portions being regurgitated, often on the furniture or person of the human cohabitee. A cat has the ability to look at anything or anyone with utmost disdain because of their conviction of total superiority. Cats can also see things that aren't there - they will suddenly stare at a point in space, causing their human companions to believe that there is a '"presence" in the area.
A human cannot decide that a cat will like a particular food; the more a person so believes, the more likely the cat is to spurn it — that is, unless it is tuna: cats will only eat food that they can smell, and fish foods definitely rank among the most odoriferous. A cat unfed for a certain period of time (currently estimated at seventeen minutes but subject to future testing) is in danger of expiring from starvation. This is evidenced by pityful "wowlings" at its human servitors and fixed staring at anything being eaten or drunk by them.
Cats are the Inspection Officers of their households - no new item or being may be introduced to the cat's place of abode (it is their place of abode, not yours) without the Inspection Officer giving it the once over. If it is an object, it will need to be sat on—or in—to test it for suitability. If it is an item of comfort, such as a cushion, blanket or human being, the Inspection Officer must use it first to ascertain its cosiness. An empty box must be occupied and defended. All items leaving the household must also be inspected——for example, suitcases. Even glasses cannot be spared.
If a cat sleeps on a human's bed, it will have preferred locations that are calculated to be the most inconvenient/painful for the other occupants. Prior to curling on the lower abdomen or immediately beneath the chin, the cat will stamp around with claws extended, with the potential of causing extreme damage to irreplaceable parts of their human servitors.
Cats also enjoy setting a bear trap for their owners in the form of rolling onto their backs with a sweet look on their face while exposing their tummies, thus enticing human hands into the focal point of all four razor edged paws and teeth. Within a split second of initial hand-to-tummy contact, the trap is triggered, and the owner's hand becomes clamped into a barrage of scratching, biting, and strange back-legged cycle kicking. Despite the resultant injuries from such an attack, cat owners have been known to fall for this trap multiple times, some possibly enjoying it. (Protip: they're asking for head scratches).
Cats are known enemies to things like "productivity", as this well-documented photo essay will attest to. Infant cats are called kittens, and are even deadlier than normal cats due to their even sharper claws and their ability to override all rational thought in nearby humans. But they are oh-so-cuu-uute!
People seem to be incapable of neutrality towards cats. They either love them or hate them. Bird lovers probably hate cats the most. Dog lovers also seem to hate cats a lot, though there are rather a lot of oddballs who keep both types of pet in the same household successfully. In such cases, the dog might treat a cat as if a puppy and have a wholesome relationship. Cats are able to sniff out those who are not enamoured and will preferentially approach, snuggle and rub against them. Persons allergic to cats are especially likely to be treated in this manner.
Amazing facts about cats that you won't believe
- A cat can hear the pulling of a ringpull on a can of catfood at 50 metres.
- Cats are a major vector of Toxoplasma gondii.
- The only non-fecal product of cats is the hairball, designed to bring the barefoot morning person rudely awake upon stepping in it. This can be avoided by combing the cat to get rid of hairs so they don't get clogged in the throat.
- Cats generally don't have a good relationship with man's best friend, even though they both descended from Miacis. Although to be fair all animals share a common ancestor if you go back far enough. Still, the dog is one of the few animals that can get along spontaneously with cats, and the cat is one of the few animals that can get along spontaneously with dogs. Humans are another, and perhaps the only one for both, which says much about humans, dogs, and cats — three consummately brutal predators.
- Despite all their disdain for dogs, the vast majority of their hate is reserved for the red dot.
- Now iconic in popular culture, the domestic housecat is the source of various internet comedy memes.
- The major difference between cats and their traditional foe, dogs: "dogs have owners, cats have cults."
- In defiance of known laws of relativity and quantum physics, cats have a unique ability to be in two places at once. They were in the room you just left but are next to the food bowl in the kitchen before you arrive there.
- Most cats react in a rather peculiar manner to the herb Nepeta cataria, more popularly known as "catnip". This plant, related to the mint family, seems to affect a majority of cats in a manner similar to how Cannabis sativa affects humans, except that, unlike pot, catnip's effect on cats happens without requiring combustion or other heating of plant matter. Simply crushing the plant is enough. (Protip: pick up the foliage and gently rub it against your cat's face.) Its effect is much shorter-lived than marijuana's, and it also doesn't seem to give felines the munchies.
- Cats have a highly sophisticated
matter replicatordigestion system that can inexplicably poop out at least 2.5 times more matter than was ingested in the first place. This must mean only one thing...
- Cats do occasionally attempt to communicate via computer: PawSense has been developed by those sufficiently warped not to submit to the superiority of the feline race.
- Cats control your behavior towards them via their protozoan minions.
- During the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, it was believed that cats were linked to the devil; consequently, many were burnt at the stake. Had this not happened then the Black Death may not have been as deadly to the populations it affected as they may have helped bring down the plague-carrying rat population.
- Cats bury their waste, which is something humans started doing only after cats discovered humans.
- Cats require a very high protein diet which can only be achieved by sacrificing the flesh of lesser creatures; feeding a cat a vegan diet is animal cruelty in a number of countries.
- Cats are the favorite food of Melmacians, and cat juice is the their favorite drink. Being a cat-lover on Melmac is so horrible that it's the only thing worse than being born in wedlock (yes, you read that right).
- A group of cats is called a "clowder". Unrelated, if through poor decision-making you find yourself in Boston, don't eat the clam chowder.
- Cats are worshipped as the givers of life, and so the fuzzy entrance to this world is ironically known affectionately as a "kitty".
- Cats are life members of the Society For Knocking Things Off Other Things.
- Cats are magnetically attracted to cardboard.
- Cats hate Witchers. 
- Possibly the famousest cat of the 20th century, Socks the White House Cat, died of cancer in February 2009 at the age of 19.
- Nearly as famous was Humphrey the Downing Street cat, who prominently feuded with Cherie Blair and a duck but was unjustly accused of robin-murder.
- A crocodile is the physical manifestation of what a cat thinks it is. Unless the cat in question decides that crocodiles are pansies.
- Marc-Antoine Fardin was the winner of the 2017 Ig Nobel Prize in Physics for attempting to answer the question, "Can a Cat Be Both a Solid and a Liquid?"
- If you're into
"Satan worship"Dungeons and Dragons, cats are the bane of 1st-level characters that have low hit points as commoners or wizards/sorcerers, at least until cat hatersWotC nerfed them on 5th edition. The Forgotten Realms setting has Sharess, the goddess of lust, hedonism, sensual fulfillment, and other neat similar stuff, who has associated cats. Meow.
- For many small animals, the bite of a domestic cat is about as deadly as that of a rattlesnake even if cats are not venomous. Cats have been known to kill rattlers with the horrific neck-bite that crushes the windpipe, severs the spinal cord, or pierces either the jugular vein or carotid artery, causing swift death.
- Cat bites are often deep, dirty puncture wounds that merit care as if they were bites from venomous snakes. Cat teeth are filthy with bacteria that can cause skin damage. Neglected cat bites have led to amputations and even deaths due to infections.
"If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember." — Terry Pratchett (Lords and Ladies)
"Cat? Cat! Cat! It's a cat!" — Dormouse (Alice in Wonderland)
Don't see also
- I Can Has Cheezburger? - Largely amusing cats of lol.
- ROFL Cat - Has less junk on the side than Cheezburger.
- Love Meow - Home of cat addicts.
- Famous paintings, but with cats
- Guidelines for cats
- Meet Maru.
- Sushi Cat
- How to bathe a cat. (more realistic)
- How you can tell if your cat wants to kill you...
- Enjoy your feline ennui.
- Just remember that as bad as this is, a gang of six feral dogs would have done much more damage.
- Google+ community for cat-lovers
- Fluffy's Master Plan for World Domination by The Bobs
- Kitten War
- Or, two young earths ago.
- Letters of Note
- "Bullshit, mouse doesn't see it that way." - George Carlin
- Nuwer, R. (Janurary 29, 2013). Feral Cats Kill Billions of Small Critters Each Year. Smithsonian. Retrieved May 11, 2018.
- Stone, M. (September 19, 2016). Feral Cats Are an Ecological Disaster Gizmodo. Retrieved May 29, 2018.
- Personal experience, which I am prepared to swear to. - Susan (bloodyface) Garlick
- "Why Do Cats Hang Around Us?" Washington Post, article available here
- Vigne, J.D.; Evin, A.; Cucchi, T.; Dai, L.; Yu, C.; Hu, S.; Soulages, N.; Wang, W.; Sun, Z.; Gao, J.; Dobney, K.; Yuan, J. (2016). "Earliest "Domestic" Cats in China Identified as Leopard Cat (Prionailurus bengalensis)". PLOS ONE. 11 (1): e0147295. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0147295. PMC 4723238 Freely accessible. PMID 26799955.
- See the Wikipedia article on List of animals in the Bible.
- Socks done gone Awww! :(
- See the Wikipedia article on Humphrey (cat).
- The 2017 Ig Nobel Prize Winners
- On the Rheology of Cats by M. A. Fardin (2014) Rheology Bulletin 83(2):16,17,30.
- Ode to Spot