Kookmobile

An anti-Catholic, anti-Trinity, and anti-American kookmobile, seen here featuring a "ship's mast" style nut pole. Obligatory 666 symbolism is also present.

Some dare call it Conspiracy

What THEY don't want you to know!

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Sheeple wakers

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Not to be confused with the establishment kookmobile. For the other type of 'nut pole', see here.

“”BENGHAZI FOUR DEAD! 9-11-12! HONK TO IMPEACH OBAMA! TREASON

—Kookmobile bumper sticker word salad (Poe's Law in full effect)

A kookmobile is a vehicle plastered with what a normal person — never mind a traffic cop — would likely consider to be an excessive amount of signs, stickers, ropes, flags, and ornaments (and not during holiday season), all intended to advertise the driver's views to the public in the most lurid and convincing way possible. It can be considered a vehicle variant of Haig's Law, where the awfulness of the Kookmobile's appearance is directly proportional to the insanity of its contents and creator.

Kookmobiles may sometimes also incorporate a so-called nut pole, i.e. a metal or wooden mast (often outfitted with various ropes and pulleys) from which signage, flags, and other assorted doodads may be hung on display. One benefit of a nut pole is that they make it very easy to find your car in a parking lot.

Drivers of kookmobiles (especially of those bearing nut poles) may rightfully be assumed to be armed, dangerous, and cranky, and should therefore be given a wide berth.

Identifying a kookmobile

Kookmobiles are not to be confused with art cars; kookmobiles are ugly vehicles that obnoxiously express political or religious statements, whereas art cars are primarily humorous and/or artistic in nature. The same risk of misidentification is also inherent for ham radio cars, parade floats, and regular old sailing boats (which only venture onto land in order to mate).

If the car has a number on the sides and roof and the stickers are primarily automotive and tool companies, then that is not a kookmobile, that is a racecar.

If you overhear a person wearing baggy shorts stuffed with tins of Sex Wax on their way to the beach call the vehicle they're driving a kookmobile, don't get excited. It's just surf lingo for an ordinary car or van, and the only thing kooky about it is exactly how cooked (or shall we say, "kooked") the barefooted driver is currently.

What's kookin', mama?

“”Out of gas? No problem. Raise the sails.

—An easily overlooked boon of having invested in a sufficiently tall nut pole

Kookmobiles (especially the flagship variants that boast mighty nut poles) can be understood as the crank element of society entering the already bloated American bumper sticker war.

Most kookmobile displays involve Jesus and the Bible; however, adornments featuring everything from 9/11 conspiracies to Second Amendment themes have been spotted in the wild.

Stickers say the darndest things

One Idaho couple created a kookmobile specializing in anti-gay messages. They told reporters they painted the insults on the side of their truck to "make sure they were getting their message across wherever they went".

Obvious spelling errors are a surprisingly common feature of kookmobile signage. Some of the ethically dubious messages seen on the aforementioned couple's kookmobile include "Homosexuality is a sin & a [sic] abomination", "Just say NO to gay marriage", and — in a middle finger to Nietzsche — "God's not dead!" (or perhaps a salute to the awful film).

A (for that state, highly typical) Pennsylvania man created a Trump-themed kookmobile that included the message "Trump 4 Presadent". When asked why he misspelled the word "president", he claimed that "everyone else is spelling it wrong". At that point, it probably seemed best not to ask why he misspelled "for".

Note that this particular kookmobile featured no lack of deluxe nut pole items, including these necessities of the road:

• A tiki torch
• A Hulk Hogan statue
• An exterior speaker system playing farm animal sounds
• Stuffed animal dolls
• Tiger slippers
• A Halloween basket
• A set of condiments
• Several fly swatters

An Ohio Tea Party enthusiast reportedly spent $32,000 to create his dream kookmobile. Jesus is conspicuously absent; however, the vehicle features luxurious twin nut poles, flying gigantic Trump and "Don't Tread On Me" flags, a "9-11 pilgrimage" display, as well as "Not A Gun Free Zone" and "Impeach Obama" slogans.

A Michigan Trump supporter created the "Trump Unity Bridge", to "heal a fractured nation", and proceeded to drive it across half the continent, all the way to the Trump Inauguration. The bridge featured messages such as "LOCK HER UP 2017", demonstrating a truly deeply-held belief in constructively bridging the divide between the people who supported making "her" president and the Trump supporters. The bridge itself is uniquely famous, having been notably stolen and recovered 20 miles from its initial location 2 years prior to becoming the "Unity Bridge".

The Godmobile

Quote: "2 voices in every 1's head." Caption ends here because the joke wrote itself.

One well-known kookmobile has been a popular Milwaukee, Wisconsin fixture for at least 25 years. Known as the "Godmobile" (not to be confused with the Popemobile), it's operated by a local character called "Brother Ron".

Like the legend of The Phantom, there have in fact been numerous discrete incarnations of the Godmobile over the years. Every single one of the vehicles holding the title in question have been uniformly drenched in Bible verses and kooky sayings. Honorable mentions include:

• "GOD HAS A DRESS CODE; LADIES NO PANTS"
• "FAGS AN [sic] DIKES; DEMONS GOD DISLIKS [sic]"
• "THE US LIB GOV'T TERRY TODAY, YOU TOMORROW. IS NO BETTER THEN [sic] THE A.C.L.U. IF WE STARVE TERRY SHIAVO TO Death".

At various times, the Godmobile has sported more objects:

• A jaunty central nut pole, capable of braving the mightiest winds
• A sandwich board sign
• An array of super-creepy baby dolls
• Giant plastic Christmas candles
• A world globe
• A giant megaphone strapped to the roof (à la the Bluesmobile) which the occupants used to shout diatribes at pedestrians

As such, Brother Ron's Godmobile even has its very own Yelp page.

Kookmobile gallery

Kookmobiles

• 

  The MAGA variant.

• 

  Typical kookmobile. Nut pole sold separately.

• 

  Kookmobile with nut pole/bicycle rack combo.

• 

  Does a tankie kookmobile also count as a tank?

• 

  Even Japan has its own flavor of wingnut kookmobiles! Although sound trucks are not solely used by wingnuts.

• 

  Typical kookmobile, here seen luxury-equipped with a prominent nut pole.

• 

  Kookmobile display topics: crank magnetism at its finest.

• 

  One of the tamer kookmobiles.

• 

  One of Brother Ron's famous kookmobiles

• 

  "You have diseases on your body you have a nano computer chip on your body more than 200 years of computer diseases say no to terrorists. 21."

• 

  This Trump-themed kookmobile tows a bridge bearing messages of "unity" e.g. LOCK HER UP, BUILD THE WALL, and STOP ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION.

• 

  This Kookmobile minivan is all about how awesome smoking and the owner's dogs are, while seat belts suck.

• 

  A left-wing kookmobile: when the bumper stickers are creeping past the rear end, it's getting kooky,

• 

  Kookmobile with a beautiful portrait of Dear Leader on the back.

• 

  A nice anti-Muslim variant.

• 

  Nice crossover between Flat Earth nonsense, Christian nonsense, and Area 51 nonsense.

• 

  Crucifix nutpole is best nutpole.

• 

  Cesar Sayoc's van. (Sayoc was convicted of the 2018 United States mail bombing attempts.)

• 

  Yes, a Furry kookmobile exists. Text: "I'd rather be vore'd by a dragon than vote for Joe Bidin^[sic]"

• 

  A much more literal example of a kookmobile claiming that simply owning dogs will lead to.........cancer?

• 

  A MAGA kookmobile that is very clearly compensating for something.

Not Kookmobiles

• 

  A car with a ham radio antenna, not a kookmobile. Ham antennas often get mistaken for nut poles; however, some hams might be close enough in their views.

• 

  Just a racecar.

• 

  Kooky, but not a kookmobile: an art car. In a sense, it's actually not "kooky" enough.

See also

• Whacker

External links

• r/InfowarriorRides on Reddit