Since many many many people mistaken me for Jesus Chrrist, I decided I can no longer pretend that I am just a common man and not something more. I AM JESUS. You heard me. I'm back. The sun is bright and the power's bitchin'.
I like this era. I'll tell ya, biblical times sucked balls. Seriously. Since time has changed and my biblical teachings are far out-dated, I decided to come up with a new set of rules. Since George Carlin made a very good point (we miss you mate!), my rules will not be Ten. It will be Eleven. Why Eleven? Because I like to go one step beyond. I will also include a list of abominations. Forget the old abominations, I have a new list.
Each Commandment will have a footnote to clarify the meaning so people will not be confused about interpretation (I don't want history to repeat itself). So here are my New Commandments (or guidelines):
1. HAVE A PARTY.
- 1.1. Rock n' Roll all night!!!!!!!!
- 1.1.1. Not everyone likes Metal. FUCK THEM! Metal fuckin' kicks ass.
- 1.1.2. The greatest abomination on earth is Christian rock PERIOD. It sucks so much, even I -Jesus- find it repulsive.
- 1.2. Everybody better be having fun. No party poopers.
- 1.2.1. Party poopers can leave until they get their act together, but they are never excluded or forbidden to come back. Help find a solution with the party poopers so everyone can have fun again.
- 1.3. Drink responsibly, and don't drive buzzed or tipsy. Drugs are permitted so long as they hurt no one.
- 1.3.1. If you order me a round, and when I am on the floor unconscious and pissed stinkin' drunk, I will not be there to judge you so you get a free pass to Heaven.
- 1.3.1.1. Alcoholism is NOT a disease. Screw that 12-step bullshit. You are not powerless to control yourself and your habits.
- 1.3.2. Since we all have a right to take things out of our bodies (donating a kidney or bone marrow), then everyone should have a right too put whatever they want into their body.
- 1.3.2.1. The Drug War failed the moment it started. Do everything in your power to end it now.
- 1.3.2.1.1. Legalize hemp. It is not a drug, it is an industrial crop and possibly man's greatest resource.
- 1.4. Live life with a sense of joy and wonder.
- 1.4.1. When you win, party. When you lose, party harder.
2. I do not care about your sexual orientation, just be what you are. And for Christ's sakes: SPREAD THE LOVE!
- 2.1. Homosexuality is not an abomination. Do not bully, suppress, or discriminate against them.
- 2.2. Interpreting "spread the love." Love may be understood as carnal desire and lust (that which is the continuance of a species), so please share that BUT MORE. Compassion, trust, honesty, respect, empathy, and caring to all humans (and as far as possible to the animals, plants and Earth). In all things, strive to cause no harm. But spread love beyond just your own species, but to all living things. Treat all living things and the world in general with love, honest, faithfulness and respect as you would with humans. (thumbs up to the Buddhists)
- 2.2.1. Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you. (From the Hindus)
- 2.2.2. Do not discriminate or oppress on the basis of sex, race (honestly, race does not exist), or (as far as possible) species.
- 2.2.2.1. Women should have equal rights as men.
- 2.2.2.1.1. That includes having the right to walk round topless. Free the ta ta's!
- 2.2.3. Do not torture.
- 2.2.3.1. If you are sadist, then only harm those who openly give you permission and harm them to a degree they are comfortable with.
- 2.3. Thou shall follow a personal code of ethics and respect and follow the code/laws of your society unless they are deliberately harming you.
- 2.3.1. If a society is deliberately harming it's citizens by violating their basic human rights (such as force labor camps, slavery, child labor, child trafficking, and so on) or extending its cruelty onto other nations (like the Third Reich and Final Solution), then do everything in your power to stop the cruelty until love, justice, liberty, and fairness rules. Remember, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action.
- 2.4. Feel free to embrace your sexual needs as long as it hurts no one else (unless they are masochists and they want it). Leave others to enjoy their sex life in private whatever their inclinations, which are none of your business.
- 2.4.1. No means no. Use the triangle: two no's out of three means no. If they do not respond, back off as if they said no. Do not make the choice for them.
- 2.4.1.1. Spread the love only applies to those who want to receive it. Rape and forced love is forbidden.
- 2.4.1.2. Whereas everyone has the right to their body (donate bone marrow or a kidney, get tattoo's and/or piercings, etc.), women should have a right to their bodies (see Commandment 2.2.2.1). Advocate pro-choice. Sometimes abortion is the only option, esp. when the mother's life is concerned.
- 2.4.2. If you have a STD or HIV (or worse), get tested and be sure to inform your partner before you engage in sex. Be cautious and safe, use protection. If your partner decides to pass on the sex, respect your partners wishes.
- 2.4.3. Adultery is not favored, but not condemnable. Try very hard to be faithful, but if two people love each other and are meant for each other then that is all that matters.
- 2.4.4. Looking at a person with lust is not a crime (of any sort) or a sin.
- 2.5. Prostitution should be legal.
- 2.5.1. Sorry pimps.
- 2.5.2. Must be an adult to partake in prostitution. Child trafficking and child prostitution is strictly forbidden.
- 2.6. If you wish to make love to a person who belongs to someone else, work it out between both of them. Be sure to bring an additional partner to make a fair trade so no one feels cheated.
- 2.7. Do no practice abstinence (it does not work!) or force your children to practice it. The Satanist's view of indulgence over abstinence is a good model to follow.
- 2.8. Do not love everyone, especially people you have never seen before. Love your friends and family (or at least the one you like), because if you love everyone, then love loses it's true meaning.
3. If someone hates you, or harms you or strikes you, do not feel bad about not loving them in return. In fact, you should not like them. You should report them and/or seek justice.
- 3.1. Can the torn and bloody victim "love" the blood-splashed jaws that rend him limb from limb?
- 3.1.1. If you spent more than two seconds figuring the answer to the above question, the answer is "No, of course not."
- 3.2. Self-preservation is a basic human instinct that should not be disregarded. It is key to survival. Protect yourself and those you love and care about, but do not cause anyone else to fall or become harmed if it can be avoided.
- 3.3. Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted.
4. Take a day off? What!? Life is short, live it! Remember Commandment #1.
- 4.1. Everyone wants a day to chill and cool off, okay. Just don't go home and sit on your bum all day. There is plenty of time to rest when your asleep at night.
- 4.1.1 Keep all the Commandments, but try hard to be active in your free time, especially in making a difference in the world. See Commandments 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.
- 4.2. If you have some form of disorder that makes you fall asleep periodically or constantly keep you awake, live life whenever possible and enjoy it.
5. Scratch what I said about HONOR thy father and mother.
- 5.1. Respect for parents should not be mandatory or demanded, they should be earned based on parents performance.
6. When thou enter this world, do everything in thy power to make it better than it was when thy entereth. Improve the world we all share. Do not damage the environment. Protect it and do not be careless with treating it. Always seek sustainable ways of living.
- 6.1. Thou shall leave valuable contributions for future generations.
- 6.1.1. Value the future on a timescale longer than your own.
- 6.2. Thou shall not pollute the planet. Keep it clean. Do not litter. Pick up after your dog.
- 6.3. Thou shall use and convert to renewable energy and energy efficient appliances (like Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs for starters).
- 6.3.1. Support and invest in green technology.
- 6.3.2. Thou shall recycle your used cell phone. Donate your old Mobile Phone and other electronic devices. Prevent e-waste.
- 6.4. Global warming is real. Very real. Do everything in your power to stop it.
- 6.4.1. Use less energy and resources whenever possible.
- 6.4.1.1. Conserve water.
- 6.4.1.2. Oppose privatization of water. Water is free and a basic human right.
- 6.4.1.2. Generate less garbage. Reduce the toxicity in garbage.
- 6.4.1.3. Recirculate old books. Recycle copies of Dianetics and Twilight.
- 6.4.1.4. Encourage Better Use of Paper and Supplies at the Office
- 6.4.2. Drive less, carpool, use public transportation, walk, bike, drive a green car that runs on renewable energy (oil is not renewable), or get a diesel car (they can run perfectly on biofuel with no modification).
- 6.4.2.1. Seek to have your law makers advocate more available and better public transportation systems.
- 6.5. Peak oil is also real. Watch out. This is not some doomsday quack prophecy, it is actual science and math.
- 6.5.1. The world is addicted to petroleum (or crude oil), especially in America. Do everything you can to get off it. (Sweden plans to be petroleum free by 2020)
- 6.5.1.1. Get your country to end it's dependency on foreign oil.
- 6.5.1.2. Oppose off-shore drilling.
- 6.5.1.3. Use bio-degradable plastic. Bring reusable bags to the grocery store.
- 6.5.2. Invest in effective and sustainable biofuels (ESPECIALLY ALGAEA) that will not eat into the food supply or cause deforestation. Future fuel should also come from waste.
- 6.6. Strengthen and elevate biomass.
- 6.6.1. Oppose deforestation, turn it into reforestation. Save the rain forest. The world’s temperate forests absorb 2 billion tons of carbon annually to help keep the planet cool and healthy.
- 6.6.2. Remove yourself from "junk mail" lists. More than 100 million trees are destroyed each year to produce junk mail. Junk mail produces more greenhouse gas emissions than 9 million cars. Sites like 41pounds.org stops your junk mail at the source – and keeps more trees in the forest protecting clean water, wildlife habitat and a healthy climate.
- 6.7. Support and advocate Green Architecture. While traveling, stay at green hotels. Advocate Architecture 2030.
- 6.8. Protect all wildlife and national reservations, parks, coasts and beaches.
7. Thou shall constantly seek knowledge and truth. Do not take anything on faith. Encourage others to learn more.
- 7.1. Always seek to be learning something new. Learn as if you would live forever, live as if you would die tomorrow.
- 7.2. To believe something on faith is to believe without proof. Test all things; always check your ideas against the facts, and be ready to discard even a cherished belief if it does not conform to these facts.
- 7.3. Thou shall educate thy fellow man in the laws of science and reason. Promote education and learning new things for all people (esp. women) in all countries.
- 7.3.1. Do not indoctrinate your children. Teach them how to think for themselves, how to evaluate evidence, and how to disagree with you.
- 7.4. Do not adopt or advocate pseudoscience.
- 7.4.1. All psychics are frauds. Don't give them your money. They will just rip you off.
- 7.5. Thou Shall Question Everything!
- 7.5.1. Form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience; do not allow yourself to be led blindly by others.
- 7.5.2. Feel free to even question these Commandments.
8. All Religion is bogus.
- 8.1. No creed must be accepted upon authority of a "divine" nature. In fact, no religious creed is. And if they say they are, then they are full of it. Religion must be put into question. No moral dogma must be taken for granted — no standard of measurement deified. There is nothing inherently sacred about moral codes.
- 8.2. See Commandment 7, 7.2, and 7.3.1.
- 8.3. Religious creeds, myths, legends, fantasy, and stories are not scientific facts nor do they do not overwrite scientific facts.
- 8.3.1. Teach the controversy is a load of shit. Teach real science in classrooms. Teaching science is not indoctrination any more than teaching geometry. Schools are meant to teach the facts, and if the facts make your religious faith feel butthurt, then tough.
- 8.4. Thou shall maintain a strict separation of church and state.
- 8.4.1. A person is free to believe whatever he/he wishes, just keep it to yourself.
- 8.4.2. If your belief system forces you, encourages you, enables you, or instigates you to push yourself of beliefs onto others then it must remain out of all forms of government.
- 8.4.3. The National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. "In God We Trust" should be removed, as well as "under god' in the pledge.
- 8.5. Scientology is not a religion, it is a cult. End of story.
- 8.6. That New Age crap is no exception, it's still bogus.
9. Information is free.
- 9.1. Do not censor others; always respect the rights of others to speak out as freely as they please. Even if the message is hurtful.
- 9.1.1. Hate speech and fighting words may not be tolerated wherever it is not wanted.
- 9.1.2. Vandalism may not be tolerated wherever it is not wanted.
- 9.2. Never seek to censor or cut yourself off from dissent; always respect the rights of others to disagree with you. (Even when their views contradict facts)
- 9.3. After watching the documentary "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" all I can say is: FUCK the MPAA!!!
- 9.4. I ♥ Anonymous. Join and support.
10. Lead a healthy and fit lifestyle and encourage others to do the same.
- 10.1. Combat obesity and diabetes in adults and kids. Obesity and poor health kill more people every day than terrorists.
- 10.2. Eat less meat and lower on the food chain whenever possible. The benefits for you, the environment and the economy are greater than you think.
- 10.3. Support your farmers. Farm workers are the backbone of our agricultural industry, bringing fresh food everyday to our tables. They deserve basic workplace protections like good wages, access to shade and water.
- 10.3.1. Lets hurry up and run straight into developing freakin huge vertical farms. One building can feed tens of thousands of people. It does not require any herbicides, pesticides, or fertilizers; No weather-related crop failures due to droughts, floods, pests; It reduces infectious diseases; It does not require trackers and it actually makes fuel; and for fuck's sake we cannot go to the moon, Mars, or beyond without first learning to farm indoors on earth.
- 10.3.2. Plant a garden. Create a backyard habitat. Plant a native tree. Plant a green roof.
- 10.3.2.1. Even better, retrofit your house to reuse your grey and black water to filter through a greenhouse. Research Earthship houses, they are amazing.
- 10.4. Seek to be fit and well fed, but remember people around the world starve everyday. Combat world hunger. Approximately 1 billion people worldwide do not have secure access to food, including 36 million in the US. This is inexcusable and we all must help.
- 10.4.1. Seek to make school boards provide children with healthy food and provide less vending machines with junk food.
- 10.5. Support stronger food safety policies aimed at improving public health through the prevention of foodborne illness (such as Kevin's law and several others). The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates that 76 million Americans are sickened, 325,000 are hospitalized and 5,000 die each year from foodborne illnesses.
- 10.6. Promote environmental education.
- 10.7. Be healthy and protect yourself and others from disease. Vaccines do not cause autism, the debate is over.
- 10.7.1. Promote evidence-based medicine that is effective and tested (such as stem cell research) and not pseudoscience and quack medicine (such as homeopathy and Chiropractic).
11. (Probably the most important of all).... REAL VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE.
- 11.1. Alucard from Hellsing is a true vampire. Even he agrees that real vampires do not sparkle (proof found here)
*Failure to meet any of these Commandments will get their ass kicked by my father (for you ignorant people out there, Jesus' dad is Chuck Norris).*
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