Bashar al-Assad

He'll kill you and your whole family, he just won't scream Allahu Akbar while doing it. That's progress.

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“”Dear Bashar al-Assad apologists: your hero is a war criminal even if he didn't gas Syrians.

—Marah Bukai

Bashar al-Assad (September 11, 1965–)^{[No, not The Onion]} a.k.a. "The Duck Lion of Syria" was the "president" of the Syrian Arab Republic and (not coincidentally) head of the Syrian Ba'ath Party from 2000-2024, a position which he inherited from his father, former Syrian president Hafez al-Assad. Dubya used to outsource torture to him, and his knowledge of torture came from a literal Nazi, Alois Brunner, assistant to Adolf Eichmann.

A little over a decade after he assumed office, the country erupted into civil war. As the war dragged on, both sides got more extreme, and religious fanatics — fresh from years of fighting in other places — took over the fighting.

After 13 years of civil war, Bashar al-Assad's forces were defeated at Aleppo, Homs, and Damascus, the country's three largest cities all in one week. On December 7 2024, Assad fled Damascus, finally ending his regime.

Background

He was trained to be an eye surgeon, not a dentist as various media reports have said. When his father died and his brother got in a car accident, Bashar took over the leadership role. The Assads have ruled Syria for 53 years now. The heads of the government and the military are stacked with family members and other Alawites.

He's a native Syrian who attended exclusive French-speaking schools. His First Lady is an investment banker born in London. Under her influence, he tried to modernize the Syrian economy with mixed results. He couldn't manage the water supply as well as his father did, and his attempts at modernization only deepened the stratification of Alawi and non-Alawi.

In a 2003 interview, Assad said "[Osama bin Laden] cannot talk on the phone or use the Internet, but he can direct communications to the four corners of the world? This is illogical." Assad also doubted the existence of al-Qaeda:

Is there really an entity called al-Qaeda? Was it in Afghanistan? Does it exist now?

Civil War

The players

Bashar is an Alawite, i.e. member of a Shia minority, ruling a 74% Sunni majority country. This alone divides him from Jordan, pre-invasion Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and (of course) his own people. However, he is not alone, as Hezbollah in nearby Lebanon is Shia, which is why they are assisting him in his fight.

Bashar is the son of the former President, Hafez Assad. Hafez was more capable than his son, or at least was able to suppress a Syrian revolt before it became a full-blown civil war (he leveled the city of Hama in 1982, killing some 20,000+ of his own citizens). The event earned the family a bad rep with Islamists who support the Muslim Brotherhood.

Hafez was also, frankly, a dictator who was involved in a lot of Cold War bullshit. As a result, what is playing out in Syria is a lame proxy war with Iran and its allies vs. Saudi Arabia and its allies. Then throw in some U.S. v. Russia dick-waving, with Russia attempting to prop up Assad (their ally) under the guise of "fighting ISIS". The U.S. mostly wants Assad gone but doesn't want groups like Al-Nusra or ISIS to take his place.

2011-2016

The protests against Assad's government began on 26 January 2011; In May, Barack Obama signed an executive order imposing sanctions upon him. Bashar saw what happened to Saddam, and when the Arab Spring heated up, he knew the time had come for the U.S. to change leaders they didn't like. Assad wasn't going to go down without a fight. When munitions and cash poured in from the Saudis, Qatar, and Turkey, he countered by bringing in Hezbollah, Iran, and Russia. Russia and China vetoed a U.N. Security Council resolution that would have allowed for international military intervention in Syria.

Obama's "red line", and Assad crossing said line, gave hope to a lot of rebels. Shiites aren't stupid: they knew Assad stood no chance against the U.S. When the said line was not enforced, many interviews showed how disheartened rebels felt by the U.S. and its lackluster support. Instead, the U.S. ordered airstrikes to defend Syrian rebels trained by the U.S. military from any attackers, even if said enemies hail from forces loyal to Assad.

Still, there was increasing pressure coming from Western and Sunni Arab capitals to support an insurgency; the problem is it turned out to be Salafiist, and the situation became so complicated, nobody knows who to support anymore. Assad himself had been described as "Hitler in his bunker" as he didn't seem to know how badly the war was going.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

On April 4, 2017, Assad's government was responsible for a sarin gas attack. The next day, the newly-minted President Trump decided to get Bashar's attention. It was a surprisingly measured attack: the Pentagon made sure not to put any Syrian (or Russian) air defenses and pilots at risk. This gives Russia an out. Putin doesn't care about Assad, anyway, he wants access to the port of Tartus.

The following day, U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley said that the regime change in Syria "is going to happen." As every observer of the Middle East knows, outside intervention is invariably successful.^{Do You Believe That?}

Many Trump supporters disliked the action of bombing the Syrian airbase as they wanted Trump to keep his close ties with Russia.

Downfall (Who Must Go?)

This section requires updating.

For a while in the 2020s, the war seemed to become much more quiet, however, in late November and early December 2024, rebel forces made significant advances in Aleppo and other parts of the southwestern regions of the nation, and on December 7th, the rebels came into Damascus and Asaad resigned and fled the next day. There are preliminary reports that Bashar Al-Assad has fled to Moscow as of December 2024 to find asylum in Putin’s Russia..

Something good

See the main article on this topic: Stopped clock

Assad has denounced Islamism and condmened the Islamic world’s refusal to accept and embrace secularism, referring to the current system as “political Islam”.

After a 52-year-old ban, Assad allowed Syrian Kurds to teach the Kurdish language in schools. He also struck a deal with the Syrian Kurds to keep them safe to prevent their extermination in the hands of Turkish military forces after American military forces withdrew from Iraq and Syria.

You have a talent for causing things pain

“”Al Assad, or we set the country on fire.

—Alawites professed their loyalty with this chant.

Saddam murdered more innocent people, but the referee hasn't ended the match yet for Assad; with hard work and determination anything is possible. During the 1970s and 80s when his father ruled, the Syrian intelligence service (known as the Mukhabarat) became notorious for torture and disappearances of the regime's opponents. Nazi fugitive Alois Brunner lived in Syria and is believed to have taught torture methods to the Mukhabarat. After the death of Hafez, much of the machinery of state terror remained in place and was passed onto his son. This included a network of prisons and secret detention centers where detainees have been subjected to a documented 72 methods of torture. Some of these methods include beatings, electric shocks, pulling out nails, igniting and dissolving nylon bags on the skin, eye gouging and the infamous "German chair" where a person is lashed to the back of a metal chair which is then pushed forward causing spinal damage.

The Syrian Observatory for Human Rights (SOHR) estimates that 105,000 Syrian detainees have died in regime prisons since March 2011 due to torture, executions and maltreatment. This figure includes tens of thousands of detainees who have perished in hell Sednaya prison, which has been called a "human slaughterhouse" by Amnesty International. About 13,000 prisoners are believed to have been executed in mass hangings at Sednaya and countless others have been tortured to death. New detainees are typically subjected to a 'welcome party' where they are severely beaten with pipes and electrical cables.

He also oppresses the indigenous minorities of Syria, banning them from speaking their own language, and sends loyal Alawites to settle those areas in order to extract their resources. There are more ways than the neo-colonial method to be "imperialist".

Since then, Assad has only continued his downward spiral descent into fascism. His administration has carried out direct orders of genocidal campaigns against Kurds, pagans, Christians, Jews, African migrants, and the LGBT community.

As of 2024 there are allegations that one of Bashar Al-Assads allies has killed prisoners and fed them to the lions. This allegation accuses Talal Dakkak specifically for this according to some of the Syrian Rebels.

See also

• Ba'ath Party
• Saddam Hussein
• Muammar al-Gaddafi
• Qasem Soleimani – Major offensives by Iranian militias always started after a 'visit' from Soleimani.
• Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant
• Nepotism president

External links

• Human rights violations in Syria
• "A Rose in the Desert" - Vogue removed this profile of his waifu from their website. The biggest laugh to be had from it: Assad was attracted to eye surgery "because there is very little blood."
• Trump on Syria: How he evolved in 13 Tweets
• {https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgiyWGyJcIc} "God Syria and Bashaar" A hilarious propaganda song praising Bashaar
• {https://youtu.be/P2X84JZINcI} (A New York Times video on the use of chemical weapons by Assad).