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Fun:2016 U.S. Presidential Election

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Drill, baby, drill!
—2008 Republican National Conventions slogan
You built that!
—2012 Republican National Convention slogan
Lock her up!
—2016 Republican National Convention slogan
Necker cube.svg Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about 2016 U.S. Presidential Election.
Alea iacta est.

This year's RNC had "avocado" mentioned more times than it said conservative. That's the Republican Party of 2016 for you. We've opened a Pandora's box with this in America.

Major issues[edit]

So much for the invisible hand[edit]

Guess the Repubs haven't been watching the news about China's stock plummeting.[1] At what point does the Chamber of Commerce just say "fuck it" and endorse Hillary?

Red October Surprises[edit]

The media is focusing on the important issues, like Clinton's emails or Trump's penis size, but the real October surprise may come from overseas.[2]

Scary furriners[edit]

If Pat Buchanan's been suffering from impotence, Donald Trump is certainly curing it. Roaming browns, HIDE YO WIVES, HIDE YO KIDS

Scary furriners with guns[edit]

Hillary doesn't want to abolish the 2nd Amendment, but Trump wants to abolish the 1st, 4th, 5th, 8th, and 14th.

Government destroys everything it touches, except ICE, which is perfect[edit]

Traditionally, the GOP has avoided addressing those who employ illegal immigrants and gone after the employees.[3] Usually it's just LIEberals who argue going after the employers.[4]

Democratic Party[edit]

Hilldog has gotten this far thanks to her last name being the same as Bill's, the money machine developed during Bill's presidency, and strong ties to the *crash of thunder* ESTABLISHMENT *horse whinnies*

100px
Hillary "Mamaw" Clinton
Age: 71
Fmr. Secretary State, Lesser of Evils
Advantages: The celebrity gap between the parties can't be overemphasized. The DNC will have Bryan Cranston. The Churchillian leadership and thundering oratory of Chachi will surely unite Republicans.[5]

"Heartless Hillary"? He's now 0/2. Clinton's lucky in that her first name has 3 syllables. Makes it hard for any nickname to roll off the tongue. (Politics in 2016, amirite?)

Disadvantages: Kinda unlikable in that "angry minivan mom"-kinda way.[6] Directly responsible for the cancellation of Firefly.

Her logo tells you where she's going to go: red, and to the right.

If Hillary had her way, Assange would live in a metal box for the rest of his life. He has a personal stake in getting Trump elected.

Bush v. Gore Redux[edit]

We hope you learned life's most important lesson: Never give your money to a hippie. Unless it's for drugs.[7][8][9]

Cheeto-fingered misogynists[edit]

Mickey Mouse would win 20 states as the Republican nominee.

100px
Donald J. Trump
Age: 73
Lifestyle enthusiast, 4-D Chessmaster
Advantages: He keeps jumping from Limbaugh to Randi Rhodes with abandon. His... um... "candor" is seen as a positive among voters who think there's a little too much 'compromise' going on.[10][11]

He built a golf course on a landfill, imagine the other places in America he could build a golf course on!

Trump's orange tan really goes well with CNN's graphics.

An expert on bankruptcies; he will therefore bankrupt Americans to teach them how to profit off their own bankruptcy.

He's popular with one Black, so he's got that going for him.[12][13]

Disadvantages: Jabba didn't get so rich and control so many systems by being a generous overlord.

The RNC in Cleveland was a complete shit-show, literally.[14] Letting Cruz speak was a big mistake. He talked for a solid 20 minutes about values, and about freedom and about how America needs strong leadership, etc, and this big talk has everybody thinking "Trump!", but then when it comes time to name a candidate that embodies all those things he says, So, you know, vote for whoever fits that bill. Can't think of any right now. Rachael Maddow was using her swivel chair as a race car.

First major presidential candidate to have been called a fascist in the international press(!).[15][16] Endorsed by President Putin(?).[17]

New Yorkers already dislike Trump but the pizza incident was unforgivable.[18]

The Bottom[edit]

On July 15th, Trump was forced to reluctantly share his spotlight with Retired Buzz Lightyear the Governor of Indiana, Mike "Burn the Gay Away" Pence. He is the most conservative vice-presidential candidate in the last forty years. Pence is also boring and invisible which is just how Trump prefers it.

The RNC started with a Rickroll, and ended with the Stones' "You Can't Always Get What You Want" (literally following a speech promising the moon and the stars). Was Ted Cruz in control of the music?

Libertarian Party[edit]

Gary's the closest quasi-libertarian candidate to poll over 10%, so that's a breath of fresh air to a drowning man.

Gary Johnson campaign portrait.jpg
Gary Johnson
Age: 66
Five-time Ironman triathlete
Advantages: Wow, a sane conservative. It's like spotting a legendary on PokemonGo.

If the Kochs are throwing money at him, he'll get his 5 minutes on Jimmy Fallon.[19]

Disadvantages: As Governor, he developed an addiction to the veto pen. It's not clear whether he is useful for anything apart from massaging freedom boners, but at least he isn't corrupt.

His unofficial motto seems to be "feel the Johnson". Talk about less invasive government...

Stay dank, my friends[edit]

Johnson doesn't believe in gun background checks, but he's open to discussion about it, which opponents took to mean he's soft on guns. Liberals want to melt down every gun in America![20][21] (Remember, we're dealing with Libertarians. You don't want to go down that rabbit hole.)

BernieHos[edit]

"Hmmm, hmmm…yeah, yeah…hmmm, hmmm…Nader…Nader…Nader…Nader…" (apologies to Dylan Moran).

Roseanne Barr Utah Pride Festival 2011.jpg
Jill SteinWikipedia's W.svg
Age: 69
Full-time mother / part-time "physician"
Advantages: Bernouts will NEVER vote for a CRIMINAL like Hillary Clinton, that's why we're voting for Jill Stein (who has been arrested 3 times, making her an actual criminal).
Disadvantages: She can't go three tweets without fellating Bernie Sanders.

Crystalgate was literally the worst thing since Watergate. Stein was caught using a scrying orb to spy on her primary opponent, Daryl Cherney. When asked about it, she said she was just wiping it with a cloth to polish the crystal. Voters can't trust someone who puts our metaphysical national security at risk like that.

She has yet to announce who her VP will be. And we're all just shaking in excitement. Just for curiosity, in her previous run she picked Cheri HonkalaWikipedia's W.svg, who's currently busy literally planning to stage what she terms a "fart-in" at the 2016 DNC.[22]

Even Bernie thinks she's irrelevant.[23]

$hill $tein is owned by the Big Crystal lobby[edit]

To save some people the trip to Google: Yes, Darryl Cherney was a Green Party candidate running against Jill Stein.[24] You Jillbots never give up, do you? Last I checked, the party doesn't vote until August! #seeyouinhouston

Running toward the wrong goal[edit]

It's becoming increasingly apparent that Trump is unwilling to switch up his tactics. The three weeks between when Don was the presumptive winner and Clinton/Bernie were still battling it out were supposed to be his honeymoon time to unify the opposition. Instead of doing what Clinton did, which is line up endorsement after endorsement, he spent it insulting people in his party that were on the fence.[25] The FBI delivered him an 83-page manifesto on Hillary's negligence, so Trump tweets: "The system is rigged! DAE General Petraeus? SAD!"[26] What would normally be bad weeks for Clinton end up being bad weeks for Trump.

As far as campaigns go, Donald Trump practically re-writes the book on how to run for President. He gives future candidates handy rules to follow. Rules like:

  1. Don't insult war heroes
  2. Don't mock people with disabilities
  3. Don't call a giant demographic group criminals and rapists
  4. Don't threaten to shoot people
  5. Don't talk about fucking your daughter
  6. Don't re-tweet a Neo-Nazi
  7. Don't voice admiration for Saddam Hussein,[27] Muammar Gaddafi,[28] Kim Jong-un,[29] Vladimir Putin,[30] etc.

Hillary's natural inclination is to come out throwing power. The Foreman-esque approach didn't work well against the moves-like-Ali Obama, and she played it safe against a scrappy upstart like Sanders. Trump, however, is not Obama. He's more of swarmer like Joe Frazier, throwing a bunch of punches and overwhelming his opponents with bullshit. The answer is hard punches, administered repeatedly, and that is right up Clinton's alley.

When compared to Obama vs. Romney, we're seeing little difference. It means the Democrats are lining up behind Clinton and Republicans are lining behind Trump, and the narrative is being shown to be wrong, yet again. Nearer the Convention, Hillary Clinton will tell a reporter she prefers bacon chips over salted. This will be the biggest scandal since Hillary caused both 9/11s while Bush was busy keeping us safe. The GOP spin doctors will take over Trump's campaign, and he will be sold on Angry Gentleman AM™ as the best thing that ever happened to America since the war of independence or white sliced bread. We'll take your calls after these ads for motorized wheelchairs, herbal boner pills, gold scams and help for tax cheats.

Videos[edit]

External links[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Trump Says "China".
  2. Marshall, Josh, "Trump & Putin. Yes, It's Really a Thing", TPM (7/23/16 at 4:15 PM EDT).
  3. Tuttle, Ian, "Donald Trump Thinks American Workers Aren’t Good Enough for the Trump Organization", National Review (2/25/16 at 4:58 PM).
  4. McAlone, nathan, "Uber may become an issue in the US presidential race as Hillary Clinton vows to crack down on worker 'misclassification'", Business Insider (7/13/15 at 1:09 PM ). Uber and airbnb undercutting taxis and hotels = good, Mexicans undercutting Americans = bad
  5. Kirkland, Allegra, "RNC Speaker Scott Baio Tweeted Meme Referring To Hillary Clinton As A C**t", TPM (7/18/16 at 3:05 PM EDT).
  6. Taibbi, Matt, "Clinton is Turning Into Nixon and Bill Belichick", Rolling Stone 3.14.15. Taibbi: "Enjoy this patient half-smile for a brief moment while you let sink in the magnanimity of my decision to answer your idiotic question."
  7. Wagner, John, "An expensive reminder that Sanders still hasn’t dropped out: His Secret Service detail", WaPo 6/19/16. It's costing taxpayers $38,000 every day he remains in the "race".
  8. Debenedetti, Gabriel, "Bernie's Roman holiday", Politico (Updated 04/17/16 11:42 AM EDT). Hit the music!
  9. Italie, Hillel, "Sanders has book deal; will reflect on campaign", Associated Press (7/14/16 at 10:47 AM EDT). $27 says the forward is his stump speech.
  10. Debbie Encalda, "Donald Trump Calls Rand Paul Ugly After He's Called Childish", Yahoo News. Encalda: "When Paul called out Trump for his “careless” language and his entertaining “sophomoric” behavior for taking a cheap shot at him Trump fired back with another “junior high” diss saying, “I never attacked him on his looks, and believe me, there’s plenty of subject matter right there,” getting big laughs from the crowd."
  11. Paul Waldman, "Bad news, Republicans: Donald Trump is practically bulletproof", Washington Post. Somebody attempts to carve out a niche on Trump's right, he says something even more outrageous, poll bump, repeat. Him saying ridiculous things is half the appeal to them.
  12. Black, "The founder of a white nationalist website says Donald Trump is helping his cause", Business Insider 12.14.15.
  13. That black support Trump promises he'll win? It doesn't exist.
  14. http://time.com/4419725/rnc-fear-violence/
  15. Schloss, Eva, "Anne Frank's stepsister: 'Donald Trump is acting like Hitler'", Newsweek. Publicly compared to Hitler... by Eva Schloss, an Auschwitz survivor and stepsister of Anne Frank. She is somewhat exempt from Godwin's law.
  16. Donald Trump has gone too far for French far-right leader Marine Le Pen Vox, 11 Dec 2015. How far out is Trump? Marine Le Pen takes offense at being compared to him!
  17. Laughland, Oliver, Trump on Putin's crackdown on journalists: 'It’s never been proven', The Guardian 12.20.15. He knows no-zing!
  18. Edgar Sandoval & Helen Kennedy, "Sarah Palin, Donald Trump split a pepperoni pizza", NY Daily News 6.1.11. Trump took Palin out to have a true "New York experience." He took her to a Famiglia (a mediocre pizza chain, it's like saying you're going to get authentic Chinese then going to Panda Express) and ate his pizza with a knife and fork.
  19. Weigel, David, "Libertarian hopeful Gary Johnson denies rumor of ‘eight-figure’ Koch campaign donation", WaPo (5/19/06 at 1:38 PM). They can't fund him. They can fund a PAC to indirectly further his chances, though. Now if only he could get funding from the other Koch brother...
  20. 2016 Libertarian Debate, 20m 00s. And they just 'never mind' that contractor who shot up an army base because he thought his microwave was sending demonic messages to his brain. With a base like this, who needs to get fucked by the MSM?
  21. "Gary Johnson Shoots Himself in the Foot: Throws Out Austin Petersen’s Gun", LibertyHangout.org 5.30.16. Austin Petersen's gun can't melt steel beams. (It's like, not only is this guy a dick, he's a Lumbergh from Office Space-type of dick who will throw away gifts.)
  22. http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/real-time/Cheri-Honkala-plans-Worlds-largest-fart-in-for-Hillary-Clintons-DNC-speech.html
  23. Milman, Oliver, "Green party's Jill Stein invites Bernie Sanders to take over ticket", Guardian (Last modified on 7/8/16 at 9:55 EDT). Milman: "Stein said she had made her offer directly to Sanders in an email at the end of the primary season, although she had not received a response." Notice me, senpai!
  24. Darryl Cherney manifesto. How the fuck is he going to pardon Assange when he's been charged in Sweden? (Duh, because he said he's gonna apply the Constitution internationally. One world!)
  25. Huey-Burns, Caitlin, "Trump's Swipe at Martinez Alarms GOP", RearClearPolitics 5.26.16. The popular Latina governor of a swing state who also happens to be president of the association of Republican governors. If you wanted to name a valuable person for Trump to woo, you couldn't do much better. But no, he had to get into a pissing contest.
  26. Silverstein, Jason, "Trump, GOP rivals immediately allege ‘rigged system’ after FBI announces no charges over Clinton emails", NY Daily News (7/5/16 at 3:10 PM). Congratulations, you all wasted an opportunity to score political points because you have a populist complaint.
  27. Neidig, Harper, "Ryan Pushes Back Against Trump's Praise for Hussein", The Hill (7/5/16 at 09:49 pm). We feel bad for Paul Ryan having to clean up after Trump's droppings. Watch as his hair turns white by next year.
  28. "Donald Trump: World would be better if Saddam, Gaddafi still in power, US presidential hopeful says", ABC 10.25.15.
  29. Campbell, Colin, "TRUMP: You've got to give that 'maniac' in North Korea some credit", Business Insider (1/9/16 at 4:20 PM). We are creeping ever closer to "Stalin made the trains run on time." At this rate expect him to praise El Chapo at the convention.
  30. Gass, Nick, "Trump on Putin's alleged killing of journalists: 'At least he's a leader'", Politico (12/18/15 08:23 AM EST, updated 12/18/15 11:26 AM EST).
United States 2016 presidential election articles on RationalWiki
Topics: Affordable Care Act - Citizens United v. FEC - DAESH - Gun control - Illegal immigration - Koch Industries - United States Electoral College - Trump's Wall
Parties: Democratic Party (primaries) - Green Party - Libertarian Party - Republican Party (primaries Convention Tea Party)
Candidates: Bush (R) - Carson (R) - Christie (R) - Clinton (D) - Cruz (R) - Huckabee (R) - Jindal (R) - Johnson (Lib) - Kasich (R) - Paul (R) - Perry (R) - Sanders (D) - Stein (Green) - Trump (R) - Walker (R) - Webb (D) Running mates: Kaine (D) - Pence (R)
Winner: Donald Trump