Fun:Beginner's guide to blasphemy
|Tired of laughing? RationalWiki has a slightly more serious article about Blasphemy.|
|Preach to the choir|
|Crux of the matter|
|Speak of the devil|
|An act of faith|
Every 30th September is International Blasphemy Day. On this auspicious occasion, one should make a special effort to offend the religious beliefs of every person they meet — emphasis on the "religious beliefs" part, not the "every person" part; the former makes you a blasphemer, the latter makes you a douche. While this is entirely immoral, and most probably fattening too, it's also tremendous fun — if you don't get killed.
However, it has come to our attention that first time amateur blasphemers might not know proper the blaspheming techniques. With this in mind, RationalWiki is proud to present The Beginner's Guide to Blasphemy for your edification.
In addition to this guide, please note that in 2016 a book entitled Beginner's Guide to Blasphemy by Richard E. Wackrow was published that may be of interest to all current and future blasphemers.
What is blasphemy?
In short, blasphemy is the practice of speaking about some number of gods in a manner that is notionally offensive to the deities referred to, or since their existence is questionable, to their earthly adherents.
What counts as blasphemous varies from deity to deity, and in fact it may not be possible to blaspheme in some more sensible religions. These people are no fun.
In modern times, blasphemy has come to be more widely understood by the credulous masses as anything said about one's own religion which is vaguely offensive. For example, Ireland's recent outlawing of "blasphemous libel" describes blasphemy as speech that is "grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion." While the "any" is surely a sop to equality by not specifying that you shouldn't insult a specific religion only, this could happily refer to numerous secular religions or parody religions. So be sure to insult Jedi everywhere by espousing the greatness of Roddenberry's Trek over Lucas' Wars.
Who to blaspheme against
It is important to choose a satisfying and appropriate target for your blasphemy. Beginners might choose an easy target such as Islam or Roman Catholicism. Islamic adherents can easily be offended by such trifles as waving a picture of ham in their faces or drawing a crude cartoon of the prophet Muhammad raping a sheep or doing anything else, or even doing nothing. Then Roman Catholics take a ton of offense from people stealing a tiny sliver of bread.
Experienced blasphemers might enjoy the challenge of attempting to rile up some pacifist sects such as Quakers, Mennonites, or Jains. Contrary to popular perception, even Buddhists can be worthy oversensitive targets.
Where to blaspheme
It is important your blasphemy is done in public, in places where the religious are likely to gather. Such events might include book and/or witch burnings, KKK rallies, or national lottery drawings.
Beware, some backward countries such as Ireland and Greece may have laws against blasphemy. In these circumstances, it may be good practice to disguise yourself before blaspheming, in order to avoid the consequences. In any case, it might be good to wear running shoes and be reasonably fleet of foot, or otherwise have a swift means of escape planned in case your victims seek retribution. A blasphemy statute actually exists in Iceland. It has only been tested once within living memory, and when the judges had finished laughing, the case was summarily dismissed.
Even in the United States, blasphemers who think they're exercising First Amendment rights may find themselves in trouble over some law hardly anyone has heard of. Simulated sex with a Jesus statue, including "getting a mock-blowjob from the Lord", is not recommended, at least not in Pennsylvania, as it can get you up to 2 years in prison, get you banned from using social media with
a few hours of community service 350 hours community service and other uncool stuff. By contrast, writing "Jesus loves dicks" on a Pennsylvanian school wall would merit at most 1 year.
Under no circumstances should one attempt to blaspheme in Pakistan, Iran, or Saudi Arabia, or at least be prepared for the whole country wanting to put your head on a stick. There are far more fun ways to commit suicide.
List of possible blasphemies
Once you've determined to commit your first blasphemy, it is important to have something appropriate to say. This quick reference to blaspheming religions, from Anabaptists through to Zoroastrians, may help you plan your blasphemy. While this list tries to be specific to the religions involved, in more general terms, any suggestions that the god(s) referred to don't actually exist would be regarded as blasphemous to those who believe in the god(s) in question. Of course, believers in other gods would simply regard this as fair comment. Truly, one man's
trash is another man's treasure blasphemy is another man's common sense.
|Religion||Deity||Dislikes||Suggested Blasphemous Sayings|
|Anabaptist||Yahweh/Jehovah||Modernity, fancy clothing, warfare.||*broad smile* "Your wife looks nice today."|
|Atheist||Jokes about fedoras||"Checkmate, Atheists!"|
|Catholicism||Yahweh/Jehovah/Jesus/Holy Spirit/||Talking smack about the holy ghost, kidnapping his son in bread form, accusing his followers of cannibalism, being president||"Polytheist want a cracker?"|
|Unitarian Universalism||Let's discuss it at the next potluck.||Intolerance||"Those crackers I brought? Stolen communion wafers. Thanks for helping me offend Catholics."|
|Church of England||Jesus, although he may just have been a wise teacher||Not letting Henry get a divorce; Guy Fawkes; Susan wearing lipstick.||"Of course I still believe in Jesus, I'm just not sure if I still believe in cultural Anglicanism."|
|Evangelical Christianity||Yahweh/Jehovah/Jesus||Gays, sex, gay sex (sometimes too much)||"Jesus is gaay! Jesus is gaaay, G.A.Y. Gay! G.A.Y. Gay!", "God hates shrimp"|
|Liberal Evangelical Christianity||Yahweh/Jehovah/Jesus||Religious Right Evangelical types who keep telling them they're not real Christians.||"You're not a real liberal."|
||Feeding the deity a peanut, Lost Coast beer, hot nude elephant on elephant action.||"Oh yeah? Well, at least Dumbo could fly."|
|Islam||Yahweh/Jehovah/Allah||Ham, Bacon, drawings of himself/Muhammad, nude women, visible women, women generally||"This portrait of Muhammad is really classy; wanna see?"|
|Sikhism||Ik Onkar and the 12 Gurus||Being mistaken for Muslims. But by this point, they're used to it, so you'll need to try harder to meta-offend them.||"This portrait of Xenu is really classy; wanna see?"|
|Neoconservatism||St. Ronnie the Absentminded||Liberals, Truth, not making any money off the suffering and sweat of others.||"Did you know that Reagan raised taxes 11 times, nearly tripled the size of the government, and collaborated with terrorists? What a hero!"|
|Norse Paganism||Odin||Loki, Edgar Allan Poe, Fenrir, idiots.||"Nice depth perception, one eye!"|
|Wicca||She has many names||Learning anything about the history of their own religion||"That Gardner guy was pretty smart, inventing a religion that convinced chicks to dance around naked."|
|Pastafarianism||The Flying Spaghetti Monster||Judging people, not eating, acting Like A Sanctimonious Twat||"Pirates suck! Ninjas rule!"|
|Church of the SubGenius||JHVH-1||Lack of slack||N/A|
|Zoroastrianism||Ahura Mazda||Lies, ancient Greeks, eating vultures.||"Madness? THIS… IS… SPARTA!"|
|Discordianism||Eris||Dichotomies, hot dog buns||"Law of fives is false!"|
|Judaism||There are way too many names for the Jewish god to try listing here.||Ham, shellfish, foreskin||"I'm a Jew for Jesus."|
|Jehovah's Witness||Jehovah||Hard questions, blood, Satanists, no soliciting signs, crosses||"Do you have time for blood donation?"|
|Church of Emacs||St. IGNUcius||Proprietary software, calling the GNU+Linux system "Linux", vim||"Microsoft Office is much better than LibreOffice!"|
|Apple Inc.||Saint Jobs the smelly||Android, Microsoft, Android, spelling the 'i' in the product names with a capital, Android||"Android phones are much more reliable than iPhones!"|
|LessWrong||Doesn't exist yet, but we should worship it anyway to be safe.||Irrationality, the wrong kind of rationality||"What's the Bayesian justification for using Bayesian inference for justification?"|
- 11 Blasphemies to Enjoy On International Blasphemy Day They mention Us.
- ↑ Blasphemy day homepage (Archived)
- ↑ Bedford County DA: Voice of group left out of desecration case
- ↑ Teen Who "Desecrated" Jesus Statue Hit with 6-Month Ban from Social Media and 350 Hours of Community Service
- ↑ Teen May Get 2 Years For Pic Of Fake Oral Sex With Jesus — Teen faces jail for allegedly uploading photo of himself simulating oral sex with statue of Jesus
- ↑ Prosecutor, Bill Higgins who charged the teen was in trouble for real adultery, possibly non consensual while the kid just messed with an inanimate statue. Let's hope voters in Bedford County, Pennsylvania get to know.
- ↑ Two years for taking a blowjob pic with a Jesus statue is ludicrous.
- ↑ Count the words.
- ↑ See the Wikipedia article on Names of God in Judaism.
- ↑ https://www.stallman.org/saint.html