Essay:The Donald: God Emperor of Mankind

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“”I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.
—How fucking true

Disclaimer

This piece is intended purely for satirical purposes and lulz, with a few grains of truth. While I do support Trump, I also recognize that there's two sides of the aisle, and further recognize that Trump is a fucking paradox of a human being. (And no, I'm not condoning the Capitol riots, that shit was fucked up.)

Long Live the King[edit]

Donald John Trump is the sole reason for America's continued rule as the world's only global superpower, and He'll be happy to let you know. He also happens to be a literal deity, the world's only defense against the various extraterrestrial fleets yearning to ravage our planet, and the greatest IRL troll in history. Don't believe me? Bring to mind all four years of His Earthly Reign, and remember too the torrent of liberal butthurt spewing from the political establishment, the Fake News Media, Hollywood, and every pussy little liberal crybaby snowflake to ever walk the Earth.

As further proof of His cosmic powers, Trump was (temporarily) successful in His mission to Make America Great Again AND he is the first US President to achieve a 2x Impeachment Combo. He is most famous for establishing a giant force field through the Mexican border, thrice-sealed with thaumaturgic sigils and patrolled by the ravenous hordes of the Inferno, all to keep the nefarious Mexican menace at bay.

He also invented an element named Covfefe.

Origins[edit]

The Donald first came into being when Thanos made the fatal mistake of high-fiving Raptor Jesus while wearing the Infinity Gauntlet. When the two entities made contact, divine trollish omnipotence combined with the boundless energy of the Eternals (Thanos's race), all suspended in the medium of the infinite positive energy feedback loop from the Infinity Stones. RationalWiki will deny this to the grave, but the Donald himself said it happened, therefore it happened, and the only reason you haven't heard about is because the evil watchdog media wants to keep you in the dark.

While unconfirmed, there's a rumor that Donald Trump pwned the Assyrians from afar with a Level 99+ Death Spell when they tried to besiege Israel.

The Donald's presence on this humble lump of rock we call Earth was first officially recorded by the early Pilgrims. The reason they had it so easy in setting the stage for our glorious nation is because Trump wiped out those pesky natives with an array of lethal bioweapons from His godly arsenal. The journal of one Hebediah Brocklehurst tells of a giant wreathed in a orange aura spreading disease among the tribes. If He hadn't stepped in to prevent this budding nation from native fuxation, there would have been no stopping it from being overrun by spear-chucking hippies.

After a brief trip to France to troll King Louis XVI, He returned to discover America occupied under the boot heel of the ever-encroaching British Empire. Filled with righteous anger, He assumed the form of a toothless traveler (codename: Agent 711 and led the charge in the Revolutionary War against the forces of evil. He finally freed our nation from the grasping, crumpet-crumb-covered fingers of British prestige at the Siege of Yorktown, where He set over 9000 Brits aflame and summoned legions of skeleton warriors and a Mark XII Sentinel from a temporal vortex in convenient proximity. GG.

With the seeds of His empire on Earth having been sown, the Donald decided to reward His efforts with a well-deserved trip to Sanghelios, but when He returned, He found His beloved country in the throes of the Great Depression and under the Presidency of the alien slaver known across the galaxy as Franklin D. Roosevelt. Since 1921, this sinister spacefarer went around in a wheelchair in order to curry sympathy for himself. The Donald put an end to that power trip at once, and He made FDR a cripple IRL by tearing out his spine. FDR, curse him, got himself a cyborg replacement, but he would never walk again. His work having been done, The Donald sank into a godly slumber that lasted until 1946.

2016 Presidential Election (He won, bitches!)[edit]

Lulz were to be had by all when the Trumpster came down the escalator and announced that He intended to fill the power vacuum left by the Kenyan Marxist. The Democratic Party, sensing a threat moar imminent than any they had faced in history, went no-holds-barred apeshit, and they assembled their butt-buddies in Hollywood and Mass Media™ in order to try (and fail) to stop the Trump train from pulling into station. John Oliver, a failure of a comedian and a Scribe of the Darkest Arts of Necromancy, attempted to destroy the Donald when he thought he had uncovered the Donald's truename, Drumpf. Don't kid yourself, retard. The Donald rejected that gauche handle centuries ago, and his new truename will remain hidden for all time. Looks like John didn't know that YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP. Here's a list of useless eaters that attempted to derail the Almighty Engine of the Democrats' Doom:

In the Red Corner[edit]

  • Chris Christie: Sore loser who has vowed to defeat the Donald. We all know how well that went.
  • Ted "Bear" Cruz: if he's Hispanic, then Senator Craig is gay. Now he's grown a fugly mustache in an attempt to channel the spirit of Chester A. Arthur. Is the Zodiac Killer IRL. Recently seen flying high and dry in Cancun while EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN Texas froze when the wind turbines conked out.
  • Carly Fiorina: CEO of Hewlett-Packard. Only female candidate in the GOP to run in 2016. Easily forgotten.
  • Jim Gilmore: HA HA HA HA HA HA
  • Mike Huckabee: Christian minister and former show host on Faux News. Father of Sarah Sanders, who was b& from the White House in 2020.
  • Rand Paul: Heir to the throne of his father Ron. Not to be confused with Jake Paul, a far more empathetic and creative human being. It's nothing less than a pity that such a great first name was wasted on this mad dwarf.
  • Marco Rubio: Robot designed to hypnotize the American people with A New American Century, which is blatant plagiarism of the Donald's glorious campaign. When his true nature was revealed, Rubio malfunctioned and lost his bid.

In the Blue Corner[edit]

  • (S)hillary Clinton: Officially the world's greatest loser. Also corrupt, and former CEO of Wal-Mart, which explains a lot.
  • FEEL THE BERNie Sanders: Physically indistinguishable from the first wave of Plants Vs. Zombies, but with moar socialism and Jew. Inadvertently assisted the Donald on His path to victory. Absurdly popular with woke Democrat Millenial snowflakes, but that didn't stop Black Lives Matter from disrupting his rallies.

The Man in the Breach[edit]

Predictably, the entire political establishment launched into a paroxysm of butthurt unsurpassed in all the annals of history. Droves of overpaid, overrated celebrities put up hundreds of videos pleading for America's unwashed masses not to vote for Cadet Captain Bone Spurs. Lulzier yet, the Massive Enclave for the Degradation of Information in America (M.E.D.I.A.) started shitting out the narrative that Trump was a Russian plant. Silly journalists. What if I told you that Vladimir Putin is an American plant installed by Trump? Did you know that? Haha, you wouldn't.

Nonetheless, unfazed by the tidal wave of unedifying idiocy, the Donald was relentless in His quest to become the Final Boss of the United States.

Victory![edit]

On November 9, 2016, it was shown that America's poor and starving were more willing to vote for a literal corporatist overlord who owns a skyscraper with His fucking name on it in three-foot high gold letters over a corrupt cuckquean turkey vulture. When the Donald's victory was confirmed, the Hunger Games' "War" began playing everywhere within a 45 mile radius, and 75 million Americans sank to their knees and wept with joy and relief... while butthurt Democrats just sank to their knees and wept. On November 10, the sky cloudy and grey and the wind blowing, reminiscent of the coming toil He would have to face, Trump addressed His loyal supporters on the steps of the Supreme Court, with an M9 in one hand and Hillary, hands zip-tied behind her back, cowering at His feet. "We have reclaimed the nation!" He proclaimed, "Congratulations to all those deplorables who love our country! For too long have the people languished under the rule of tyrants, choke artists, and bad actors who hate America! But FUCK THEM! Oh yeah, and CNN? It's fake news." Upon trumpeting the good news, the Donald proceeded to empty the magazine into Hillary, to the ecstatic cheering of His acolytes. The camera followed the Donald walking into the Supreme Court before panning to the cooling corpse of the Crooked Clinton Cockmongler and the blood pooling on the steps beneath her.

Failed Attempts of Sabotage by the Liberal Establishment[edit]

This is what liberals actually believe.

Of course, of course, practically everyone left of center spent the next four years REEEEEEEEEEEEEE'ing and BAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW'ing incessantly whenever the Donald undermined their authority in any way. Honestly, would you trust a media that goes "AHR'M CALLIN' YOU OUT!!!!11one1" when the Emperor had the unmitigated gall to request a second scoop of ice cream at a White House journalist dinner? An ex-incubator for Trump, porn star and leftist deep agent Stormy Daniels, pursued a lawsuit against Trump accusing Him of sexual abuse, which the media simply lapped up. This predictably failed, and no one has ever heard of or cared about her since. Also, she hired Michael Avenatti (lol jailed, and cried about it too) as her lawyer. Yes, THAT Michael Avenatti, the one who claims that he can take down 4chan whenever he chooses because the /b/rothas decided to troll him during the Brett Kavanaugh scandal. Good luck, bitch.[note 1]

Furthermoar, the media, since Day 1, have been constantly and consistently bleating about the Donald being a racist sexist bigot homophobe who is hateful and MEEN!!!!1!!111 It turns out that the media are certified retards and the Donald is actually a very tolerant man. How else could one explain the fact that the Democratic Party is still thriving in America? Wow... He's such an antisemite that Israel has a city named after him! Also, He loves Hispanics so much that He built a wall to prevent evil white supremacist colonialists from invading their beautiful country. But seriously though, as tolerant as He is, he also knows a foreign threat when he sees it, such as when he told China to fuck off during His presidency, much to the indignant blubbering of left-wing politicians.

The Donald's greatest hurdle in His mission to save Western Civilization came not from the Fake News Media, but from the Trump-Russia Scandal, when he was falsely accused of, you guessed it, Russian collusion. This insane (trumped-up, if you will,) myth was regurgitated by Left-Wing Media and the Democrats, falsely perceiving victory against the Donald, swooped in like a swarm of locusts to impeach and convict America's most beloved ruler. And they... succeeded... partially. Trump was impeached, but easily evaded a bullshit conviction, with the token support of His conscripted henchmen in the GOP. Dems only managed to impeach the Trumpster by somehow pooling together their mana in a lucky wisdom saving throw and actually cooperating.

There are over 9000 other instances of attempting to topple the Trump, like Rosie O'Donnell calling Him a child rapist, but, again, just how relevant is this tub of lard?

The takeaway: no matter who you are, no matter how momentous your assault, no matter how much the boot-licking media sycophants shill for or provide illicit sexual services for you, know only this...

YOU CAN'T STUMP THE TRUMP.

2020 Presidential Election (It all went according to plan, heh heh!)[edit]

With the worldwide outbreak of Chinese AIDS, white male Antifa punks smashing baseball bats into the windows of police cars after George Floyd took a knee (to the throat) for a crime he didn't commit, and the establishment of a rival nation-state in Seattle, 2020's election was sure to be a long and contentious battle between good and evil, between a noble man with sexy hair who stands for liberty, integrity, and a large wall, and a crusty old pervert who stands for hlrmrghrbfrgrpflmlhrmrmrmlflglfmrefresherc'mon, man!

The Left, terrified out of their minds at the prospect of the Donald taking a double shift at the proverbial watchtower of American politics, scrambled to muster a poor attempt to sabotage his path to victory, including implementing mail-in voting and sending in a flock of liberal ne'er-do-wells as candidates, each more repugnant and lulzworthy than the last. The Donald, however, soldiered on, 100 million tried-and-true American patriots trailing behind him. The Donald was poised to claim victory. The Democrats quaked in fear and preemptively began screeching about "muh rigged elections." The vote counting dragged on and on. A fearful American public watched and waited, hopeful that the Donald would deliver once again. But then came the plot twist that no one expected, and the drama and butthurt that swiftly incurred. But beforehand, here are a few noteworthy achievements earned by the Donald...

Acts of trollage by the Supreme Leader in 2020[edit]

  • Under Trump, the development of the COVID vaccine was the fastest in history.
  • The very same man who, barely four years ago, in front of hundreds of people, called Mexico an "importer of criminals and rapists" got himself an enormous slice of the Latino vote in 2020. I don't know whether to be amused, uplifted, or concerned.
  • During the Black Lives Matter protests during the summer, the Donald sent hordes of SWAT agents to kidnap and publicly murder hundreds of Anfita/BLM rioters, thus preventing even further destruction of public property.
  • Called the media "criminals" as he was boarding a plane, inciting much butthurt from the MSM. Just a day in the life.
  • The lift hill of this lollercoaster: on January 6th, 2021, the Donald led a citizen's army to take over reclaim the Capitol and didn't even get convicted for it in His second impeachment. What a badass.

So, just what the fuck happened?[edit]

To this day, nobody knows why he did it. Why would the most powerful entity in the universe cede His Imperial Throne to an elderly coot? At this point in time, there is no definitive answer. But many very credentialed theorists have offered several possibilities. Read 'em and weep:

  • It could be that the Donald got bored and irritated with the Media constantly castigating Him for doing literally anything and decided to fuck off, leaving us to the tender care of a Democrat-controlled America. Thanks for nothing, Brian Stelter.
  • Another possibility is that Trump's defeat is merely yet another Just As Planned; while the Democrats cheered their perceived victory, Joe Biden and Co. would very suddenly die in mysterious circumstances and the Donald would again be the Final Boss of the USA, albeit with fewer challengers to His Reign.
  • Perhaps the Donald had other business to attend to on a different planet á la Captain Marvel in Endgame, and couldn't trust the GOP to not fuck up His country while he was gone.
  • Or maybe... just maybe... too many Americans succumbed to the allure of the media's Kool-Aid. Maybe, with CNN, ABC, NBC, and Faux News constantly shilling for Biden, and Twatter suspending the New York Post's account for publishing the Hunter Biden emails, and Trump having an unfortunate proclivity for putting His foot in His mouth, and the pandemic raging on all the while, maybe... the Donald lost. Well and truly failed to secure a sufficient number of votes to return to His role as God Emperor. Maybe... He didn't mean to lose... but lost anyway.
  • Ha ha ha ha, you fell for that?! The Donald would never just give up His birthright leadership of the greatest country in the world! You wanna know why he lost the Election, motherfucker? Even as your eyes scan this page He's in His lair in the heart of an active volcano, utilizing every resource at his disposal to create the ultimate zombie pathogen. When the time is right, He'll laugh and launch His airships, each one equipped with a fully functioning Cloudburst dispersal unit filled with the Zombie Virus. They'll head to every major city on the globe and rain undeath upon the hapless civilians. And when the infectious clouds of toxic red protein medium have settled, all that will remain is the Donald and His empire.

NEVAR FORGET: January 6th, 2021[edit]

This was the day. The day when the Donald had been pushed to His limits. The day when He led a people's army, thousands strong, to protest the results of the election rampant and unjust oppression of innocent Americans under Joe Biden. The day when the Democrats would be jarred from their apathy and see the Donald for what He truly was: a Leader... a Warrior... a Hero.

Before leading his followers to death or glory, Trump issued a rousing speech to His army, in which he told them to fight like hell. He then led the charge to the Capitol astride a pegasus, clad in armor wrought of gold and fire, a ten-foot-long American flag as His cape, one hand holding the reins, the other grasping a sword whose crackling blade had been carved from a random lightning bolt the night before. The libtards and Republicunts, plotting within the Capitol, were alerted to the presence of their mortal enemy, and summoned the elite Capitol police guards of doom to quash this uprising, while they slunk off into the tunnels leading to their hidden seismic shelters.

The Donald and His zealous minions rallied their forces and pressed the attack. The Darker Lord's Theme from Miitopia played from everywhere and nowhere, the sepulchral chorus sung by the ghosts of the Founding Fathers. The Capitol police screamed in rage at the onrushing army and opened fire, murdering hundreds of innocent freedom fighters, but for every patriot felled, ten more rose up to avenge him. The citizens of the greatest country on Earth managed to beat back the black-clad agents of tyranny with nothing more than true grit and fire extinguishers, and soon the army flooded the Capitol in search of their oppressors. The tattered remnants of the Capitol police tried to impede their progress, but were repelled by multiple volleys of pitchforks, Molotov cocktails made from leftist tears, and bonecrushers fashioned from the curtain rods in the Congressional offices.

Meanwhile, Ted Cruz, murderer of five, accompanied by his butt-buddy Josh Hawley, chased AOC wait, I mean Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, (D-Among Us), through the tunnels leading to the Capitol, intent on carving a new tally into his love handles, because Ted Cruz is also Mr. Zsasz as well as the Zodiac Killer. We know it is so because AOC herself said. Mike Pence was also in hiding, but was secretly assisting the insurrectionists by giving orders and directions.

Victory was nigh. Somewhere during the battle, five military helicopters hovered above, packed to the gills with Chaos Insurgents armed with RPGs and plasma cannons. From the ground rose hordes of draugr and skeleton warriors, swinging their earth-begrimed swords and leaping into the fray. Even a SHIELD Helicarrier loomed from the sky, vaporizing leftists and Capitol police. The Donald, madlad though He is, soon grew tired bored of this sport, and headed off to go spam everyone's feeds on Twitter. Like Moses and his sore arms in the Battle of Rephidim, once the Donald had left, the rioters were suddenly overwhelmed. The helicopters were destroyed by the Capitol's anti-aircraft missiles. The Capitol police went for the healers, and the skeletons, having only 100 health, were cut down. Even the Helicarrier had to hightail it because they were running out of fuel. The armed guards moved in and began killing with brutal efficiency. Any survivors were arrested shortly thereafter. All of them, that is, except one...

On February 13th, Trump, already impeached, was dragged in chains before the House and Senate for His conviction. Outside the building, the Party Van idled, waiting to take the Donald to the Hague should He be found guilty. When questioned by Nancy Pelosi, he said, "I did it for the lulz." After a brief and boring trial, the Republicans did the right thing and liberally applied the banhammer to the Democrats' sore asses. Moments later, Trump walked into the outdoors to welcome His followers, an encore of autistic screeching issuing from the Democrats. The Donald was a free man, and the liberals had been yet again thwarted in a cycle by now familiar to the American people.

Where Will We Go From Here? (insert sad and/or bitter music here)[edit]

We might have had a chance to hinder the oncoming madness of Joe Biden and his radical agenda had not we lost the Senate. But now, thanks to David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler failing to keep their seats and losing them to John Osshoff (moar liek John Asshat, amirite?) and Pablo the Penguin "Reverend" Raphael Warnock, suffice it to say we're pretty well fucked. The racial tension and subsequent identity politics fostered by Obama, already exacerbated by the George Floyd riots, will escalate to the stratosphere by the neo-racist policies on Biden's agenda. The US dollar will mostly likely be worth jack shit come 2024, digging us impossibly deeper into debt. The American people's faith in the election system has basically been destroyed thanks to the instances of voter fraud, and they're right to be skeptical, but it won't be helpful in the long run. [note 2] Of course the leftists in the Senate are trying, though probably unsuccessfully, to redefine voting itself with Nancy Pelosi's "For the People Act" (The irony is strong with this one.) And speaking of shitty bills, the Equality Act has already made it through the House, and if the Supreme Court can't summon the willpower to rape it with the banhammer, then women's sports will be effectively abolished. And even now, the immigration facilities are at 97% capacity under Biden, leading him to have to break out, you fucking guessed it, the cages. Immigration policies like these didn't change under Trump, and don't expect them to change under an old fuck like Biden. Expect cancel culture to really kick into gear, with Don McNeil resigning from the Times after saying the N-word in an appropriate context years ago, and Disney outright firing Gina Carano for tweeting an overblown Holocaust comparison. At least Gina hit the ground feet-first thanks to Ben Shapiro, but not everyone will be so lucky. And of course, out-of-touch morons like Anthony Fauci and Bill Gates are pushing masks and social distancing until eternity. Not to mention that Joe Biden will lie his ass off via Jen "We'll Circle Back With You On That" Psaki at the press meetings. Ugh... all because an orange megalomaniac the Savior of America lost His re-election bid. Now all we can look forward to is the 2022 mid-terms, when the Dems lose control over the House and Senate. But for now the populace can sit back and relax to stuff like the "Eight White Identities" being pushed at school and Siobhan Thompson essentially saying that the aptly-named Rush LimBAWWWWW should have died as a child. Classy. All I'm hoping is that Thomas Sowell is badly wrong about this being the point of no return...

Look, the Democratic Party in 2021 now consists entirely of socialists, Twitch thots, anti-Semites, exhumed corpses, madmen, incompetent buffoons, and perverts who enjoy eating their own shit. Just what can we do to mitigate the damage done? Our only line of defense right now is the Supreme Court, and they can't strike down the shitload of executive orders passed by Biden. Riots and protests are most definitely out the window, because 1) loss of life won't help one bit, and 2) the only attitude that can be adopted at this time by those who want to keep America thriving has to be determination, as opposed to the so-called "RUSUSTUNCE" that the radicals on the Left flaunted during Trump's years. Really, we're going to have to come together from both sides and fix them. The pseudoscience, foolishness, and callousness of the Republican Party has to be eliminated, but also the authoritarianism, division, and fearmongering of the Democratic Party, leaving the Republican Party with compassion and sympathy, and the Democratic Party with a sense of American values. If this is done, the need for Divine Intervention will no longer be extant. If someone's old, stupid tweets, be it Gina Carano or James Gunn, are dredged up, we need to correct their mistakes while repelling the encroaching forces of cancel culture and its terminal retardation.

But who am I kidding? Naw, Biden's gonna bring unity to our nation!

The visage of the Donald as viewable to the human eye (BEHOLD HIM)[edit]

Despite the fact that the Donald is, in fact, a god, His true form would destroy the one who dared to gaze upon Him. Therefore He must assume a more mundane form, if with a few extra touches. Some people (Democrats) claim that His hair is lank and repulsive, but who even listens to these people? EVEN IF His hair happens to be a bit thin, that's only because His brain is too busy with wrangling with space-time conundrums and political strategy and might have trouble keeping up with His follicular welfare. But that's just hypothetical, His hair is actually a golden, sexy mane of luxury that every Viking thane would die for the privilege of having. He has a tan that would rival the sun god Apollo, and you know it is so because butthurt liberals think that His skin is orange. Democrats beware, if you DARE gaze into His eyes, those burning blue orbs of fire will tear every dirty woke Democrat secret from your miserable, pathetic shell. And may every god you worship have mercy on your wretched soul should He SQUINT in your vague direction. No one knows what happens to the unworthy in this scenario, but it's said to be a punishment so horrific that Satan himself would fall to his demonic knees and weep in great, juddering sobs, begging and screaming to release you from a torment from which death is denied to you, to which the Donald would reply by telling Satan to shut the fuck up and actually do his fucking job.

But I digress.

Squadrons of e-shrinks all over the country have crawled from their Cheeto-dust-caked lairs and diagnosed the Donald with a slew of mental disorders, the most notable of these being dementia. It should also be noted that these basement-dwelling hacks have shilled for Creepy Uncle Joe's ever-steady mental deterioration, with the Fake News Media plugging their fingers in their ears whenever Biden suddenly lapses into gibberish. It should be even further noted that the only basis they have for the diagnosis of the Donald's dementia is the way he stands. Little do these mouth-breathing apes know that the Donald leans forward in order to more easily propel Himself toward His throngs of worshippers and concubines.

Liberals also enjoy making fun of the fact that the Donald's hands seem a bit small. However accurate that may be, I'd also like to remind you that you don't need big hands if you have telekinesis... which the Donald so totally does.

Holy Offspring[edit]

A distant relation.

The Donald frequently mates with human women in order to propagate a race of intelligent, nigh-immortal demigods upon the Earth. Such pinnacles of human evolution include Ivanka, a philanthropist and secret advisor to the Donald, and Barron, who will crack the code to cold fusion after he becomes a world-renowned manga artist.

Some of His ideological children include, Trumpism, a revolutionary ideology that will Make America Great Again, and the alt-right, a devotional cult to Trump.

Divine Powers[edit]

  • Arsenal of WMDs: The nuclear arsenal of the USA notwithstanding, Trump possesses a veritable treasure trove of secret and not-so-secret superweapons. He unleashed the Silent Majority on November 9th, 2016, but other weapons in His fearsome array of imminent doom include but are not limited to: the T-virus, the Death Star, a stockpile of Holy Hand Grenades, the Daybreak, and Jimmy Hoffa's reanimated corpse.
  • Charisma: The Donald's Presidential Campaign consisted of Him saying shit that would automatically call for any other candidate to be b& from running and He still won, plus he inadvertently created His own personality cult. Furthermoar, celebs he fired from The Apprentice returned to show their support for Him in 2016.
  • Division by Zero: Trump founded a casino that lost money. Srsly.
  • Healing Aura: He tested this ability to its limits in healing the country.
  • Hurtful Truth Level: A person like Mitt Romney would, y'know, kinda criticize you if you're some raging SJW, but Trump won't bother mincing words and just say, "You're fake news."
  • Impermeable Skin: There's a reason they call Him Telfon Don. The bullets just slide right off!
  • Magic: It's a known fact that the Donald is a Class 8 sorcerer and thaumic, with His very own casting tower built in New York.
  • Sunder: What Trump did to your taxes.
  • Triggering: The very mention of the Donald's name inflicts irreversible damage upon the anuses of anyone who identifies even slightly left-center, triggering explosions of brick-shitting RAIG from the butthurt libs.

Nicknames for Trump[edit]

  • The Donald (of course)
  • John Miller: a nom de guerre He used to use when engaging with the Fake News Media.
  • John Barron: See above (not to be confused with Trump's Einsteinian son)
  • David Dennison: See above
  • Don the Con: often used by the aggrieved victims of the Donald's realty sklz.
  • God-Emperor Trump (for it is so and thus ever will it be)
  • Mr. Brexit
  • Cadet Bone Spurs: Earned for saving His platoon in military service.
  • Donald the Strong: the oppressed citizens of a shitty government look to America's noble leader and see a warrior with a poet's heart.
  • Bunker Boy: when He bravely escorted His fellow Americans into blast shelters during the George Floyd riots in 2020.
  • Donald Drumpf: a "slur" often used by butthurt mouth-breathing liberals in order to "insult" Him.
  • The_Dotard: Reddit can't even piece together a good play on His name.
  • The Trumpster
  • Dear Leader: Self-explanatory.
  • The Unstumpable One: Also self-explanatory.
  • Darn Ol' Trump
  • The Orange Man
  • Orange Julius Caesar
  • Madman Orange
  • His Imperial Majesty

Nicknames for Trump Supporters[edit]

  • Trumpists
  • Trumplets
  • Trumpets
  • Trumpettes
  • Trumpenkriegers
  • Trumpa-Loompas
  • Trumpanzees
  • Trumpites
  • Trumpkins
  • CumTrumpsters
  • Trumplicates

Famous Trump Supporters[edit]

  • Alex Jones: *Hrmhrmhrm!* Let's just skip this particular name...
  • The Incredible Hulk Lou Ferrigno: Trump iz strongest there iz!
  • Kanye West Eccentric rapper and great guy. Not a token, moar black celebrities listed immediately below.
  • Mike Tyson: Patron saint of boxing.
  • Candace Owens: Soon to join the Daily Wire! lol got her own show on there
  • Terrell Owens: The former football star has more in common with Trump than one would think: Brash, bombastic, and rich. No relation to the Owens above.
  • 50 Cent: Cast his ballot for Trump in 2020 because he was smart enough to know that Biden was going to fuck up his taxes.
  • Clarence Thomas: ... While often taking a more nuanced skeptical approach to the Man himself, Thomas nonetheless helped Trump in His goal to Keep America Great.
  • Dennis Rodman: Even a man like him recognized that America needed a businessman, not a politician.[note 3] Now. for moar celebs...
  • Lil Pump: Of all the people to vote for Trump...
  • Mack P. T. Flea Hamm John Ratzenberger: Pixar's resident easter egg also voted for Dear Leader.
  • Gary Busey: Once again, which side of the political aisle can meme?
  • Clint Eastwood
  • Willie Robertson from Duck Dynasty
  • Ann Coulter *cringe intensifies*
  • Kristy Swanson of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Psych fame
  • Hulk Hogan
  • NFL star Hershel Walker
  • Brett Favre
  • Isaiah Washington
  • Conor MacGregor
  • Roseanne Barr
  • Mike Ditka

Enemies of Trump the American People[edit]

  • Hillary Clinton, still butthurt from losing a Presidency she could very easily have won if she was running against a different Republican.
  • Barack Hussein Obama: Actual footage of Trump grabbing a pussy was revealed when He shook Obama's hand.
  • Joe Biden: The only human being on the planet who managed to stump the Trump. #JoeMentia
  • Everyone on MSNBC
  • Everyone on NBC
  • Everyone on ABC
  • Everyone on CNN
  • Roughly two-thirds of everyone on FOX
  • America's fact-checking industry
  • Russia
  • China
  • North Korea
  • That starving Mexican family of nine (whose second youngest son has Down's Syndrome and is also desperately ill) and their cute puppies trying to cross the USA-Mexico border
  • 80% of Twitter
  • The entire Democratic Party, with the possible exception of Joe Manchin.
  • Any SJW you care to name

Donald Drumpf 2024?[edit]

At CPAC 2021, the Donald addressed rumors of His severing ties with the GOP to create His own party. To the wild cheers of His supplicants, he revealed that He refused to split the right-wing vote in 2024, which may indicate that we'll have another round of Trump's glorious regime. At least the media will no longer be bored. Also, the Donald tore into those seven cowardly Republicunts who voted to convict Him, essentially crucifying themselves before their own party. Of course, Youtube, as per Big Tech's massive crackdown on shit they don't like, has started pulling vids of Trump's speech. *Groan*

Trump Greentexts[edit]

Shit Was SO Cash (By Encyclopedia Dramatica)[edit]

If she weren't my daughter...

Hey Lightweights,

My name is Donald J Trump, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are sweaty, retarded choke artists who spend every second of your campaign putting on makeup. You are everything bad with this country. Honestly, have any of you ever built a skyscraper with your name on it? I mean, I guess it's fun memorizing the same speech given by your handlers and screwing the electorate because of your own insecurities, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse than having Conservative Gay Foam Parties.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I built hotels and casinos around the world, and a whole city in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. What jobs have you created other than "robocall smearing ghost-writers?" I also my own Boeing 757, and have a banging hot daughter (She just blew me; shit was SO cash.) You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my daughter Ivanka (Yael Kushner)

Internet Tough Guy (Also By ED)[edit]

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little loser? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class at Trump University, and I've been involved in numerous hot bids on NYC real estates, and I have over 300 confirmed deals. I am trained in gorilla undercutting and I'm the top mogul in the entire US real estate agencies. You are nothing to me but just another loser. I will outcompete the fuck out of you with energy the likes of which have never been seen on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the internet? Think again, dummy. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of lawyers and your attorney is being contacted right now so you better prepare for the lawsuit, liar. The court date that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking broke, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can negotiate with you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in the art of the deal, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Trump Organization and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable assets off the face of the continent, you will low-energy loser. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "libelous" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you g-ddamn dummy. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking stumped, kiddo.

See here for the original source of both greentexts.

Did YOU know that Trump...[edit]

  • ...is both a memelord and a lolcow?
  • ...was referenced in Insomniac Games' Marvel's Spider-Man via the Kingpin's campaign to "Make New York Great Again?"
  • ...was referenced again in Marvel's Spider-Man's presequel Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales when J. Jonah Jameson suggests "Low-Energy Menace" as yet another nickname for Spidey?
  • ...used to have brown hair?
  • ...'s wife Melania is bigly hawt and used to be a fashion model IRL but no magazine would have her on the front page once the Donald decided to run? SAD!
  • ...loves Hispanics?
  • ...did not get the country involved in any new wars during His term?
  • ...gave Lil Wayne a Presidential Pardon before He left office?
  • ...Steaks are by far the best tasting, most flavorful beef you've ever had?
  • ...was sent into space with a trebuchet by Jimmy Kimmel?
  • ...trolled the trans community when he b& them from military service?
  • ...told Greta Thunberg to shut the fuck up for blathering on about her precious climate crisis?
  • ...is a pretty cool, eH calls the media fake news and doesn't afraid of anything?
  • ...tells it like it is?
  • ...'s favorite Bible verse is Two Corinthians?
  • ...was decapitated by Kathy Griffith collaborating with ISIS?
  • ...is the sound produced when a mouthy servant is slapped across the face with a wad of thousand-dollar bills?
  • ...is the sound of a cork popping on a couple's champagne-iversary, the day the renovations in the wine cellar were finally completed?
  • ... trolled both the SJWs and the neo-Nazis when he moved Israel's capital from Tel-Aviv to Jerusalem?
  • ...inspired an erection in Chuck Schumer?
  • ...made a desert and called it peace?
  • ...is...is...hold on...HOLY SHIT HOLY FUCK HE'S RUNNING AGAIN IN 2024 WITH BRUCE WILLIS AS HIS RUNNING MATE!!!!!!111!!

Quotes[edit]

“”Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.
—Trump's inspirational, heartwarming message to the self-esteem of every American child.
“”I don't do it for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I'll do it to do it. Deals are my art form.
—And the shitlibs wonder why Trump got elected...
“”Who built the cages, Joe?
—Donald Trump, doing the media's job for them.

Further Reading[edit]

Notes[edit]

  1. ↑ Don't worry, snowflakes, I'm referring to Avenatti.
  2. ↑ No, the 2020 election wasn't "stoled" like Trump still claims.
  3. ↑ He obviously doesn't know that once even someone with no political experience ascends as the Ultimate Boss, they're automatically a politician.
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