Fun:Really embarrassing Brits

"British" is a pretty embarrassing word. The English can't tell the difference between the English and the British really, and the Scots, Welsh and Northern Irish are often at pains to point up the difference in identity. A considerable number of people in Northern Ireland are embarrassed to be called British, and will bomb to prove the point. A lesser number of Scots and Welsh are pretty embarrassed by it too. What the people who live on the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands believe is only to be guessed at since no one ever asks them. The English who tend to be a bit embarrassed by the term 'British' are the far right and Billy Bragg. For what it is worth the people of Gibraltar are delighted to be British. The quaint constitutional set up, rigid if eroding class system, regular media scares and weird attitude towards Continental Europe also mean that many other people are embarrassed by them too.

The UK is the home of many eccentrics. Perhaps that explains the unusual number of eccentrics populating its former white colonies. Could be something genetic that made its way north from Iberia 6000 years ago when the founding population of the British Isles was established.

British politics are markedly different from those in the USA, mostly because the Americans won their independence too soon. Five decades later and they would have inherited a parliamentary system like Canada, Australia and New Zealand. Conservatives in the UK are often to the left of the American Democrats, but support universal health care, and yet at the same time, they support the monarchy, which American "conservatives" were not conservative enough to keep. British Liberals, on the other hand, tend to verge on the centre and on the right.

As a general rule of thumb in British politics, Conservative scandals tend to involve sex (especially kinky), and Labour scandals tend to involve financial corruption and trade unions etc. Liberal Democrats have theirs too (see below). The SNP, Sinn Fein and Plaid Cymru are usually accused of being anti-English.

Sexual antics

Now then, Now then...

• The Profumo affair. A Conservative minister has an affair with Christine Keeler, a good time girl. Unfortunately she was shagging the spy master naval attache at the Soviet Embassy as well. Big scandal in the sixties.
• Jimmy Savile, television presenter and disc jockey who raised millions for charity. Unfortunately, it emerged after death that the man appears to have been one of the most prolific sexual molesters and child abusers in history. The fact that he was photographed with several prime ministers, numerous politicians and royals has made him every paedophilia-focused conspiracy theorist's dream come true.
• Lloyd George, Prime Minister, and a lover of women. Referred to as the Welsh Wizard and the Goat.
• Ron Davies, an excellent first minister of Wales, until he started "watching badgers" in a park in central London.
• Cyril Smith, British politician; in 2012, following allegations of child abuse, the Crown Prosecution Service formally admitted Smith should have been charged with the sexual abuse of boys during his lifetime.
• Some Tory, usually every other year. Several are mentioned in this skit.

Criminal antics

Wake up Maggie, I've something to say to you.

• A brace of Liberal Democrats: David Laws was suspended from Parliament for fiddling expenses, and former Energy Secretary Chris Huhne was sent to jail for perverting the course of justice over a speeding ticket.
• Jeffrey Archer and Neil Hamilton, ex-MPs and former jailbirds.
• Eric Joyce MP, professional boxer, House of Commons brawler and convicted sex offender.
• Mike Watson, minor Scottish politician who liked to set fire to curtains, and served time for it. Now in House of Lords.
• Mark Thatcher, the son of Margaret Thatcher, got into trouble for trying to institute regime change in an African country he and his mates invaded.

Political antics beyond the call of duty

• Oswald Mosley, whose devotion to political duty meant that he was a member of the Conservatives, the Labour Party, and finally the New Party which evolved into the British Union of Fascists. He seems to have wanted to taste the entire political spectrum.
• Socialist Workers Party, who are not socialist, not workers (they're mostly students) and not a party (they tend to hang around behind various fronts) Their calls for action range all over the world, but rarely on their own doorstep.
• Liz Truss, who threw the country into a budgetary and political crisis in less than 50 days. (And may have killed the Queen while she was at it.)
• Margaret Thatcher, so little time...

Racial faux pas

The patron saint of British xenophobia

Because they live on islands, British generally are suspicious of foreigners, especially continentals. The English hate the Celtic Fringe, and the Celtic Fringe tends to hate them back. They were for a period masters of the world, but are no longer, despite what some people think.

• Enoch Powell, who said the streets would run red like the Tiber, foaming with blood, if any further immigration was allowed. Later joined the Ulster Unionist fanatics.
• Norman Tebbit, right wing conservative who once said that all immigrants should be forced to sit a "cricket test" to prove their loyalty. Presumably this would exclude most Scots and Northern Irish, as they barely play cricket.
• Monday Club, one of the hidden hands behind the Conservatives, although they have tried to distance themselves from it.
• Winston Churchill, best remembered as a war leader, less remembered for making a number of dubious statements about what should be done to rebellious colonies, and why women should not be given the vote.
• Robert Kilroy-Silk, former British Labour MP, talk show host and TV presenter. No one's quite sure when he swung to the right... On 4 December 2004 a man threw a bucket of manure over Kilroy-Silk before he was due to make an appearance on BBC Radio 4's Any Questions? This was after comments such as "We owe the Arabs nothing" and that Ireland was a "country peopled by priests, peasants and pixies". The latter comment was in 1992, when he was still Labour. In response to accusations of racism, his PA said "He is not a racist at all - he employs a black driver."
• Eric Clapton, who has made his career out of playing in black music genres such as blues, rock & roll, and reggae. His remarks were one of the triggers for the Rock Against Racism movement.
• Nick Griffin, John Tyndall, A. K. Chesterton etc.
• Pretty much anything UKIP says.
• Those in the Category:British right wing.
• Cecil Rhodes, white supremacist who had a country in Africa named after him.
• Sir Patrick Moore who made some outstanding contributions to science, and some not so good ones elsewhere.
• Diane Abbott who, despite many other redeeming features, was aptly described as "a left-wing race-obsessed idiot who has made a career out of winding up right-wing race-obsessed idiots."
• Roald Dahl was a popular children's author who made some less popular comments about Jews: "There is a trait in the Jewish character that does provoke animosity; maybe it’s a kind of lack of generosity towards non-Jews. I mean, there’s always a reason why anti-anything crops up anywhere; even a stinker like Hitler didn’t just pick on them for no reason. I mean, if you and I were in a line moving towards what we knew were gas chambers, I’d rather have a go at taking one of the guards with me, but they were always submissive."

General media idiots

Captain Bird's Eye

• Dr Gillian McKeith, nutritionist, and not a real doctor.
• David Bellamy, climate change denialist.
• Johnny Ball, speaks at conspiracy conferences.
• Jeremy Clarkson, tosser given to punching his producers when the dinner isn't to his liking.
• James Delingpole, tosser with no knowledge of science.
• Jerry Springer, moral philosopher: yeah, he was born in England. Sorry America!
• Jonathan King, DJ, who used to make controversial comments, e.g. calling Scots "porridge wogs." Later convicted on several charges of molesting young males. Recently spotted lending support to Jimmy Savile (see above)
• The pundits at both the The Guardian and the The Telegraph.
• Special Mention to the Tabloids from bad to worse:
  • Daily Star Right wing like the Times but unlike the Times the aren't into facts
  • The Mirror Left Wing like the Guardian but unlike the Guardian the aren't into facts either
  • Daily Express Right wing like the Telegraph but unlike the Times the aren't into well, facts.
  • The Sun Narrowly edges out The Express with similar problems, at least people call it out for what it is.
  • The Morning Star Nothing like it in terms of bias in the mainstream the closest is The Socialist because it is, also does not like, you guessed it FACTS! Thankfully, rather fringe.
  • And Last and definitely least The Daily Mail! Hard to start on this one. Repulses facts. Not called out, most right wing publication out there, truly teetering on wingnut territory and just plain disgusting.
• The BBC when reporting about royals.

Religious antics

Ian Paisley on a good day.

Foreigners should not mistake the Church of England for a religious organisation. Many of its leaders don't appear to be very religious in the slightest. Some don't even believe in God.

• Ian Paisley, also known as Dr No., Protestant bigot, and Northern Irish demagogue, president for life of his own church. Many Northern Irish unionists are similarly nutty, e.g. Save Ulster from Sodomy.
• Cardinal Keith O'Brien, Scottish churchman who made a strong condemnation of gay marriage. Resigned due to inappropriate advances towards men.
• Tony Blair for believing that the best way to build a cohesive multi-cultural environment is to promote religiously segregated schooling.
• George Harrison. We loved you George, a great musician, and lovely man. Pity about your massive financial support for various cults.
• Harold Davidson, Rector of Stiffkey (pronounced "Stookie"), also known as the Prostitutes Padre. Was mauled to death by a lion in a circus while trying to put his head in its mouth.
• Brian Soutar, owner of Stagecoach, an international bus company. Has been a major donor to the SNP, and to the SNP's embarrassment, funder of an anti-gay referendum. Vocal Baptist.
• Ann Widdecombe.
• Nadine Dorries.
• Alan Clifford
• Mary Whitehouse, a cross between Anthony Comstock and Anita Bryant

Muslim nutters

Lest ye think all religious types in the UK are Christians, there hath also been a strong Muslim input of late.

• Abu Hamza al-Masri, aka Dr Hook.
• Azad Ali
• Anwar al-Awlaki
• Anjem Choudary
• ENGAGE
• Haitham al-Haddad
• Al-Muhajiroun (ISLAM4UK)
• Muslims Against Crusades, want to ban football shirts and free-mixing between men and women.
• Abuz Zubair
• Abu Qatada

Batshit craziness

Former figurehead of the Green movement, and famous footballer.

Brits have a great history of tolerance of eccentricity, which is indeed to their credit. However, sometimes, this goes a little too far, and is "just not cricket".

• David Icke, the great white hope of the English Green Party. Until he appeared on a chatshow telling people he was the messiah. He's since recanted that claim, but only to make room for worse ones. Like that many people are shape shifting lizards. Something of a go-to for conspiracy theorists. Doesn't like Jews much either, according to some people.
• Arthur Conan Doyle, who we thank for the wonderful logical character of Sherlock Holmes, but not his contributions to psychic research, or saying that the Cottingley Fairies were real.
• Aetherius Society
• Benjamin Creme

Genocide denialists

• David Irving, who would be a brilliant historian, if he wasn't so horribly biased. That said, his monstrous political views have gained him access to people and documents moderates would get nowhere near.
• Harold Pinter

Public schoolboys

I am brighter than the lot of you suckers! (A shining example of what English public schools can do to you.)

Only in England and Wales is the word "public school" used to refer to an expensive private school. The term has some currency in Scotland and Northern Ireland, but the usage there isn't traditional. Public schoolboys tend to be noted for their excessive self-confidence, verging on a messiah complex, or arrogance. They're always right, and tend to look down on lesser human beings.

The schools themselves were once notorious for caning, spanking, buggery, weird rituals, fagging and high schoolfees.

Worst of all, these people are getting back into power.

• Most British prime ministers, including David Cameron and Tony Blair (the latter went to a Scottish school, so dubious).
• Christopher Monckton, climate change denialist.
• Richard Dawkins, founder and leader of the Brights cultic movement. He would think that he was God's Gift, if he actually believed in him.
• Winston Churchill
• Nigel Farage, described by author Sir Philip Pullman as a “bollock-faced foghorn of ignorance”.
• Jeremy Clarkson, opinionated motorhead.
• The Cambridge Four, the most effective and loyal British spies ever (to the Soviet Union that is). Better than James Bond.
• Incredibly smug and irritating prog rockers of the seventies like Genesis, Yes, and their limp, watery noughties equivalents like Radiohead, Keane, Coldplay etc.
• Boris Johnson.
• A lot of the officer class in the British Army for some reason.
• Polo players (except Jordan) and the England rugby team,
• Piers Morgan, media operator, sycophant and tosspot.
• Ed Balls
• Richard Branson... if only his companies were as likable as he was.
• Scottish examples (in Scotland, public school does not traditionally refer to a private one): Alastair Darling, Andrew Marr, Michael “Slithy” Gove, disgraced former Defence Secretary Liam Fox.
• James Blunt
• Nick Clegg
• Most judges.

The female equivalents are slightly different but include the following:

• Kate Middleton
• Actresses Emily Mortimer, Rachel Weisz, etc.
• Harriet Harman.
• Davina McCall
• Scots — Kirsty Wark, Kirsty Young (not Kirsty Gallagher though)

People who you might think are, but aren't:

• Gordon Brown
• Ted Heath
• Margaret Thatcher
• Alex Salmond

The sheer number of privately educated people in British politics, media, science and law suggests that they are a highly talented group of individuals. Either that or nepotism and snobbery are alive and well in British society and money talks.

See also the section on aristos, royals and other abusers of the righteous poor.

Royals, aristocrats etc

Charles III when he was a young prince (circa 1923).

Pretty much all of them are a bit off the scale, comes with the inbreeding. Some of them do try though.

• The House of Lords, a completely undemocratic part of the British government. Traditionally a dumping ground for retired politicians and hereditary peers.
• Oswald Mosley, see above.
• Charles III, Current monarch of the UK and 14 other commonwealth states, who speaks to plants. (possibly in Welsh, the plant's native language)
• King George III. Subject of a film, The Madness of King George. Also let America get away, which makes him a real nutter.
• Prince Phillip, royal wit, and always a good supplier of quotes. Usually not very politically correct. His mum thought she was Jesus.
• Prince Harry, worn a Nazi outfit for fun, and been photographed naked, amongst other things. Has had to do fake military service to make him look more rounded, like his brother.
• The Tudors, horrible bloodthirsty usurpers, who killed 10% of the English population, and who changed their religion on a regular basis. Nonetheless they seem to be worshipped as heroes, feature in many films, usually portrayed by much more handsome people.

Miscellaneous

The God-bothering Hitchens

• Monarchists, anywhere in any country. Who wants to be ruled by a chinless inbred wonder just because their ancestors had better armies than yours?
• Anyone called Hitchens - Christopher Hitchens, Peter Hitchens
• Robert Maxwell, media tycoon, eurgh! (Although born in Solotvyno, now in Ukraine, he sensibly fled to the UK during World War Two, and remained there.)
• Northern Irish Assembly, contains a few moderates, but also a number of religious bigots, and ex-terrorists.
• Natural Law Party. Their electoral broadcasts were brilliant.
• Sir Walter Scott, who according to Mark Twain started the American civil war, and was responsible for many historical myths especially about his native Scotland.
• Simon Cowell, erm, just embarrassing.
• Gordon Ramsay, self-loving wanker
• Max Clifford, notorious publicist
• Anonymous readers of this site., probably for holding a completely stereotypical view of Britain. Or liking tea. Or something.

See also

• Fun:Really embarrassing conservatives
• Fun:Really embarrassing liberals
• Fun:Really embarrassing moderates
• Fun:Left wing bastards
• Fun:Right wing bastards
• Fun:Really embarrassing Australians and New Zealanders