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Boris Johnson

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Boris' first day in the Foreign Office.
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God Save the Queen?
Idiots love Johnson's contrived, clownish TV persona, and so will vote for him even if his policies mean they'll be living under a flyover and cooking rats over a brazier.
—An amusingly accurate description from The Daily Mash.[1]

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel "Great Supine, Protoplasmic Invertebrate Jellies"[2] Johnson is a Conservative MP, opinion writer, former Mayor of London (2008-16), Foreign Secretary (July 2016–July 2018) and (most likely) the next British Prime Minister once Theresa May is gone. The man was elected mayor because he was funny once on Have I Got News For You and climbed the ladder from there, so that's Eddie Izzard for Prime Minister sewn up.

Before the Brexit vote, he drove up and down the country in a (German-made) bus liveried with demonstrable lies.[3] Presumably then, his career in politics is over? Of course not, he was handed one of the great offices of state: Foreign Secretary, the British equivalent of CIA Director/Secretary of State.[4] He resigned from this post in July 2018 to completely avoid any responsibility for the gigantic mess that he had been crucial in creating protest the way Theresa May intended to deliver Brexit.[5]

He is currently the frontrunner to becoming Prime Minister of the UK following the resignation of Theresa May in a contest "decided by a 160,000-strong Tory membership that is 70% male, 97% white, 86% social class ABC1, 50% of whom read the Telegraph or the Daily Mail and who have an average age of 57".[6] Meritocracy and democracy doing well in Britain, as always.


"Oxford Union Becomes Ha-Ha Fest": What else is to be expected when Boris is elected President?
I never really knew the meaning of the word "shameless" until I beheld the career of Boris Johnson.
—Robert Harris[7]

Boris Johnson was born on 19 June 1964 in New York, USA, educated at Eton, (King's Scholar) and Balliol College, Oxford (Brackenbury Scholar in Classics).[8] The pollster Frank Luntz has claimed that while at Oxford Johnson touted himself as a supporter of the Social Democratic Party, then a dominant current at the university, as a strategy to win the Union presidency, though Johnson denies he was more than the SDP's preferred candidate.[9] Along with David Cameron he was a member of Oxford's Bullingdon Club, a student dining society known for its raucous feasts that often involved trashing everything and then paying cash for the damages.[10]

He is an old-fashioned Tory Boy™ by genetics, i.e. distantly related to the royal family. He's classically liberal in the British sense: socially liberal, but with an appreciation for traditional institutions, e.g. the inevitability of a ruling class.[11] However, BoJo's past comments on homosexuality, race, the British Empire and its Commonwealth, the War on Terror, and Islam suggest an altogether different kind of Tory.[12]

Picture him as Tom Cruise: intense friendliness and "big laughter" thinly veiling the emptiness within.


After graduating in 1987, Johnson became a trainee reporter with the Times newspaper but was sacked within a year for falsifying a quotation from his godfather Colin Lucas.[13]

Then Conservative leader Michael Howard sacked Johnson as shadow arts minister in 2004 for lying about an affair with Spectator journalist Petronella Wyatt.[14]

Best of Boris[edit]

Musicians: can you see what's wrong in this picture?
There was a young fellow from Ankara

Who was a terrific wankerer
Till he sowed his wild oats
With the help of a goat

But he didn't even stop to thankera.
—A poem from the Foreign Secretary to President Erdoğan.[15]

"Your mileage may vary" when it comes to Boris Johnson. People view him as either an absolute legend or a complete arse biscuit. Often, the reasons for either conclusion are the same:[16]

  • That hair! He's mesmerizing. His hair, that is, his mouth not so much.
  • Publishing a piece by Simon HefferWikipedia's W.svg on the Hillsborough disasterWikipedia's W.svg. Here is what Heffer had to say about Liverpool and its residents: Why can't the self-pitying paraplegics just look after themselves? Sheesh.[17] (He won't be sticking his mophead in Liverpool again any time soon.)
  • Equating Papua New Guinea with "orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing."
  • "Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It's time for a rethink, and the Tory party — the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth - is where it's happening."
  • Having his election strategist Lynton Crosby ban him from answering difficult questions.
  • Confusing rugby and football. Though he did take down a German in the process. That game was also notable for him meeting actual Liverpudlian football manager Peter Reid who immediately started calling him a fucking disgrace. [18]
  • Hosting an episode of Have I Got News For You, and agreeing that the Tory Party will remain "stumbling on" as they have been for the previous 200 years.
  • Having a fantastic "plummy" Old Etonian accent.
  • Tory Sex God, famous for his string of affairs and illegitimate children.
  • Being better than the police and "oiks"[19] and joyfully discussing the beating up of a tabloid journalist.[20]
  • Publicly mocking Mitt Romney after he suggested the 2012 Summer Olympics would fail.[21] He also endorsed Barack Obama in 2008, but nine years later called him a mongrel for opposing Brexit.[22] Careful, Boris, CCHQ has spent a lot of time and money cultivating your loveable oaf persona.
  • Being a natural-born U.S. citizen (born in New York City, therefore had[23] dual-citizenship), which means that for a time he could have theoretically, run for President of the United States.[24]

Brexit campaigner[edit]

Donald Trump is popular because he seems so like the sort of figure who’d appear in a drama about a big-hitting businessman who takes on the political establishment and wins the presidency. It’s also why his campaign ads feel like something you’ve seen somewhere before but in another dimension...Boris Johnson’s main selling point is that he feels like how someone would be portrayed in a comedy drama about an eccentric good egg tripping up the establishment and becoming prime minister.
—Armando Iannucci[25]

BoJo did a number on London: He helped make it a haven of the super-rich,[26] then ran a campaign saying Don't listen to the super-rich in London.[27]

He was originally pro-European Union.[28] Then he, Michael Gove (former MP and News Corp columnist), and Nigel Farage (UKIP Leader) rode the backlash at UK working conditions out of Europe, each one surfing on the backs of empty promises about trade, immigration and national devices. (NHS etc.)[29] Boris later became the figurehead of a successful campaign to kick Cameron out.[30]

However, Gove was Boris' campaign manager for the PM position. He sabotaged the campaign from the inside and then announced he himself was running, only a couple of hours before the deadline.[31][32] Leaked reports showed that Rupert Murdoch was not a fan of Boris, and favored Gove for the leadership contest. Gove took a large swath of Johnson's supporters with him. They were friends for decades before this. Then Boris gave a campaign speech (the kind where you're supposed to rally your supporters) where he said,

In voting to leave the EU, it is vital to stress there is no need for haste, and as the prime minister has said, nothing will change in the short-term except how to give effect to the will of the people and to extracate this country from the supranational system. There is no need to invoke Article 50.[33]

Chuckle. Twitch.

Arise, Sir Boris of Theresa, first Viscunt of Westminster[edit]

Boris unexpectedly announced his withdrawal from the leadership race, leaving Gove and Theresa May the last ones standing.[34][35] Now, Boris Johnson will forever be remembered as an arsonist who didn't wanna put out the fire, and ran away in disgrace when things got rough.[36] The hurdle facing the next PM was negotiating a retreat from Europe (Article 50) on the cushiest possible terms, and the architects of Brexit were particularly ill-suited to achieve this. Boris won't be able to avoid posturing and calling them names (as well as being useless anyway), and Gove has all the charisma of an oil-slick; [37] neither would be given a soft landing by Europe. George Osborne is in the same sinking ship now....Good God, Theresa May may be the last PM of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.[38]

Still, most Britons would escort Boris to Number 10 personally, if it kept Theresa out of the job[39] Damn.

Then she made Boris the foreign secretary. Even though he is the opposite of a diplomat.

Barack HUSSEIN Obama[edit]

Boris Johnson endorsed Barack Obama in 2008, but nine years later adopted the Birtherism of his fellow blonde, tousle-haired buffoon from over the pond, Donald Trump, saying that:[40]

Something mysterious happened when Barack Obama entered the Oval Office in 2009 ... It was a bust of Winston Churchill — the great British wartime leader. It was a fine goggle-eyed object, done by the brilliant sculptor Jacob Epstein, and it had sat there for almost ten years. But on day one of the Obama administration it was returned, without ceremony, to the British embassy in Washington ... Some said it was a snub to Britain. Some said it was a symbol of the part-Kenyan President's ancestral dislike of the British empire — of which Churchill had been such a fervent defender.[41]

Naturally, these Trumpian comments mentioning Obama's Kenyan ancestry have naturally been described by Shadow Chancellor John McDonnell as "another example of dog whistle racism from senior Tories" and the worst of Tea Party rhetoric.[42] The Washington Post notes that Johnson's comments "mentioned a [conspiracy] theory, prominent among some right-wing Americans, that Mr. Obama is motivated by a radical anti-imperialist agenda and that 'the part-Kenyan president’s ancestral dislike of the British Empire' motivated the removal of the bust";[43] this led Financial Times columnist John Gapper to ironically tweet: "So is Boris Johnson against the European Union because he's part-Turkish?"[44]

On the actual content of what Mr. Johnson has said, the allegation about Churchill's bust being removed from the White House has been debunked as early as July 2012;[45] the bust of Churchill is currently placed outside the Treaty Room on the second floor of the house, where Obama claims to look at it every day.[46] Clearly, this is not enough for Boris — only once per day!? That commie, Empire-hating bastard! And this irrational fear of the old colonies rising up — which was exacerbated by Cold War hysteria about national liberation movements in South Africa — is exactly the type of fearmongering which led to Thatcher denouncing Nelson Mandela's ANC as "a typical terrorist organisation".[47] Indeed, one of those people fighting against the British in Kenya — as mentioned in passing by Nigel Farage in regards to defending Johnson's comments[48] — was his grandfather Hussein Onyango Obama, who was imprisoned and tortured by the British during Kenya's Mau Mau Uprising.[49] Even if Obama were to remove Churchill from the white house — which he patently did not — then one cannot really blame him for this.

Other Johnsons[edit]

  • Boris' younger brother Jo Johnson, a Conservative MP. Is characterised as being like Boris but even smarter and yet with no sense of humour whatsoever (and agrees with said characterisation), and neat hair. Otherwise looks identical.
  • His father, Stanley, is worth a look.

The whole family also seem to be opposed to Brexit, which must have made for some awkward dinner table conversations recently.[50]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]



  1. "Britain demands amusing Prime Minister" (Daily Mash)
  2. "Mayor calls London Assembly members 'invertebrate jellies'". Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  3. Cowburn, Ashley, "Brexiteers condemned for not backing £350m NHS amendment to EU withdrawal bill", Independent 2.8.17. Well, he wanted it on a bus, not on a bill!
  4. Thomas Penny. "Boris Johnson an Undiplomatic Pick as Britain’s Top Diplomat". Bloomberg. Retrieved on 15 July 2016.
  5. "Brexit secretary David Davis resigns plunging government into crisis". 
  6. Travis, Alan (15 June 2019). "Britain's next PM will be decided by a 160,000-strong Tory membership that is 70% male, 97% white, 86% social class ABC1, 50% of whom read the Telegraph or the Daily Mail and who have an average age of 57, according to @ProfTimBale's presentation to an Oxford conference today.". Retrieved on 20 June 2019.
  7. Harris, Robert (Robert___Harris). "I never really knew the meaning of the word "shameless" until I beheld the career of Boris Johnson". 27 Sep 2016, 21:01 UTC. Tweet.
  8. About Boris,, accessed 23 August 2008.
  9. "Pandora column: A youthful flirtation comes back to haunt Boris", by Henry Deedes The Independent, 9 August 2006. Retrieved on 23 August 2008.
  10. Cameron's cronies in the Bullingdon class of '87, Daily Mail 13 February 2007
  11. Gimson, Andrew (2012). Boris: The Rise of Boris Johnson (second ed.). Simon & Schuster. p. 342
  12. Williams, Zoe. "Be afraid. Be very afraid". (1 May 2008). The Guardian.
  13. Boris Johnson's media scrapes BBC News, 17 July 2007.
  14. Boris Johnson sacked for lying over affair, by Andrew Porter and Nicholas Hellen, The Sunday Times, 14 November 2004.
  15. Douglas Murray. "Boris Johnson wins The Spectator’s President Erdogan Offensive Poetry competition". (18 May 2016). The Spectator.
  16. "Boris Johnson's media scrapes". 17 July 2007. Retrieved on 26 June 2016 – via
  17. Johnson, "Bigley’s fate", The Spectator (10.16/04 at 12:00 am).
  18. "Peter Reid's "f***ing disgrace" tirade to Boris Johnson" 5 October 2017. Retrieved on 15 July 2018.
  19. "Johnson saves woman from 'oiks'". 3 November 2009. Retrieved on 26 June 2016 – via
  20. Doward, Jamie (29 March 2009). "Tape of mayor Boris Johnson to be aired by Channel 4". The Guardian.
  21. jecarter4, (26 July 2012). "London Mayor Boris Johnson responds to Romney gaffe". Retrieved on 26 June 2016 – via YouTube.
  22. Weaver, Matthew, "Boris Johnson: No Regrets Over Obama 'Part-Kenyan' Remarks", Guardian (5/11/16 at 6:23 EDT). Boris is part-Turkish. Maybe his dislike for the EU can be explained by jealousy over Turkey not being allowed in?
  23. U.K. Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson renounces U.S. citizenship by Jane Onyanga-Omara (8:21 a.m. ET Feb. 9, 2017 | Updated 7:09 p.m. ET Feb. 9, 2017) USA Today.
  24. "Could Boris Johnson be UK PM and then US president?". BBC Magazine Monitor. 12 May 2014. Retrieved 27 September, 2017. Bear in mind that this was written before Boris renounced his citizenship.
  25. Ianucci, "From Trump to Boris, I wouldn’t write The Thick of It now – politics already feels fictional enough", New Statesman 6.9.16.
  26. Booth, Robert, "Boris Johnson to approve ‘affordable’ London flats for rent at up to £2,800 ", Guardian (10/2/14 at 13:17 EDT, modified 5/7/16 at 6:41 EDT). Psst....he doesn't think that these flats are affordable at all.
  27. Mortimer, Caroline, "EU referendum: Boris Johnson claims elites 'want to remain in Europe to keep hold of power'", Independent 4.25.16
  28. Wright, Oliver, "What Boris Johnson said about EU security two years ago - and what he is saying now", Independent 5.9.16.
  29. Stone, Jon, "EU referendum: Nigel Farage backtracks on Vote Leave's '£350m for the NHS' pledge hours after result", Independent 6.26.16. But they are men of the people! How can they be so deceitful??
  30. Lewis, Kayleigh, "Boris Johnson becomes bookies' favourite to be next UK Prime Minister", Independent 6.24.16.
  31. "Michael Gove and Theresa May head five-way Conservative race", BBC 30 June 2016.
  32. Grice, Andrew, "Gove struggles to escape the fall-out from his treachery", Independent (1 July 2016, 4:30 BST).
  33. "Boris Johnson's Brexit Victory Speech: Full Transcript", Newsweek (26 Junes 2016, 8:54 AM).
  34. "How Boris Johnson's Leadership Dream Crumbled". Huffington Post. 30 June 2016. Retrieved on 1 July 2016.
  35. "Boris Johnson Will NOT Run For Tory Leadership Election". Huffington Post. 30 June 2016. Retrieved on 1 July 2016.
  36. Satlin, Alana Horowitz. (30 June 2016). "Boris Johnson Lambasted For Pulling Out Of Race To Become Prime Minister". Huffington Post. Retrieved on 1 July 2016.
  37. "Whatever charisma is, I don't have it."
  38. McTague, Tom, "Theresa May, the anti-Boris who just might be Britain's next PM", Politico (6/3/16, 5:34 AM CET).
  39. "Alas, poor brick". Retrieved on 26 June 2016 – via The Economist.
  40. Weaver, Matthew, "Boris Johnson: No Regrets Over Obama 'Part-Kenyan' Remarks", Guardian (5/11/16 at 6:23 EDT).
  41. "Boris Johnson: UK and America can be better friends than ever Mr Obama… if we LEAVE the EU". 22 April 2016. Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  42. "Obama hits back at Boris Johnson's alleged smears". Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  43. "Boris Johnson’s Essay on Obama and Churchill Touches Nerve Online". The New York Times. 23 April 2016. Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  44. John Gapper (22 April 2016). "Tweet Number 723466615610814464". Twitter. "So is Boris Johnson against the European Union because he's part-Turkish?" 
  45. "Fact Check: The Bust of Winston Churchill". 27 July 2012. Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  46. Pickard, Jim. (22 April 2016). "Boris Johnson accused of racism in Obama row". Retrieved on 15 July 2016 – via Financial Times.
  47. Smith, David (28 November 2010). "Nelson Mandela and Margaret Thatcher: the meeting that never was". Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  48. "Obama Has A 'Grudge' Against Britain Because His 'Family Is Kenyan,' Says Farage". 22 April 2016. Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  49. Bowcott, Owen (3 December 2008). "Revealed: Britain's torture of Obama's grandfather". Retrieved on 26 June 2016.
  50. "Jo Johnson on the debate dividing the nation: 'it's brother against brother' | Coffee House". 18 March 2016. Retrieved on 26 June 2016.