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The only archipelago state, it has some unique geography.
("Aloha", you mean!)
("Howzit", you both mean!)
Hawaii has always been [sic] a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. You can see the Pacific from Hawaii.
Dan Quayle[1]

Hawaii (in Hawaiian: Hawaiʻi) was the last state to join the United States (so far). It was once an independent country, but during the age of colonialism became a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Dole fruit empire after the fall of Queen Liliʻuokalani.[2] Subsequently, due to its proximate location, it became what made the most sense: an American state (even though it's like 2,500 miles away from the mainland).

The word "wiki" comes from "wiki wiki," Hawaiian for "quickly."

Ancient history[edit]

Sailors from the Marquesas Islands settled Hawaii in the 5th to 14th century AD (why do the dates vary so much, jesus christ). A few centuries later, another wave of migrants from Tahiti came and introduced a new polytheistic faith that included all of the "cool" gods; Pele, Kualono, Kāne, Kū, etc.

The Ancient Hawaiians spent much of their time fighting each other over local territory. They were nonetheless able to create elaborate systems of religious hierarchy, farming and navigation.

Land and people of the islands of Hawaii (or when a Cook met a Sandwich)[edit]

The original European name of the Hawaiian islands was the Sandwich Islands, named for the Earl of Sandwich, sponsor of Captain Cook. Upon arrival, Captain Cook met Master Roshi Goku King Kamehameha I (pronounced Ka'may-ha'may-ha).[3] That night, the locals and the sailors had a luau where all the sailors got laid by the local women. In appreciation for the locals' hospitality, Captain Cook brought more white people, allowed the King to take a permanent leave of absence, impregnated the women, and introduced a new religion (since the natives had abandoned their own).

Hawaii is one of the handful of US States where white Americans are a minority, though ironically, Native Hawaiians themselves along with other Polynesians make up only about 25% of the total population. Many of the state's inhabitants are of Filipino and Japanese origin, descendants of early 20th-century laborers and later immigrants, coincidentally making it a frequent tourist attraction for Japan and the Philippines. Because many different ethnicities live in Hawaii, it's also not uncommon for people to be mixed race. In fact, most Native Hawaiians are mixed with Chinese, Filipino, Japanese, etc.

Most people in Hawaii either speak English or a creole language known as Hawaiian Pidgin. The Hawaiian language is currently endangered (since schools once banned it),[4] though it is being revived and many children are learning it at Hawaiian immersion schools.

Main islands[edit]


Hawaiʻi (hereinafter known as the Big Island or BI) is the largest of the all the islands in the chain. It is largest enough to contain all the other islands combined. The BI is also the youngest of the islands. At 20-years-old, the BI will be old enough to drink next August. The BI also contains the only active volcano in the chain, Kilauea, which vomits acres of new, useless land into the Pacific every month.[5]


Maui is BI's older brother. At 22-years-old, Maui has perfected the herb, "Maui Wowi." Maui also contains a dormant volcano called, "Hale Akala" (House of the Sun). Maui was also gypped out of having one of the cool little apostrophe thingys in its name (an "’okina" for those of you unedumacated folks!).


Lānaʻi (pronounced Lah na' ee or simply, "La-nai") is a boring island off of Maui. There's a golf course, a cat sanctuary, a dead volcano, and not much more. Unless you have money to blow, skip it on yer tour of the Islands. If you have a lot of money to blow, you can rent the whole island for weddings, like Bill & Melinda Gates did one time.


Kahoʻolawe (pronounced Kah-hoe' oh-lah-vey) is the red-headed step child of the islands. It was overrun by the United States Navy and is a no-man's-land because of the unexploded ordnance.


Molokaʻi (pronounced Mo-lo-kah' ee or simply Molo-kai) is known as the slipper of the islands and the most "Hawaiian" of the islands. It has the highest percentage of ethnic Hawaiians that haven't interbred with the haoles (or Japanese or Samoans or Tongans or Filipinos). The whole island shuts down after 7:00 pm. There was also a leper colony here for a while.


Oʻahu (pronounced Oh' ah-hoo) is known as "the gathering place" and contains all the touristy goodies such as: Pearl Harbor, Waikiki, Diamond Head, and the famous North Shore. Waikiki good for tourists. Waianae (and everything west of Waimea) not so good. If you aren't careful, it's easy to get Lost on this island.

One time User:Xena was in a boat off the shore of Waikiki Beach looking at people's heads through binoculars, and as the boat came closer to shore she saw more and more of their bodies poking over a bulge of water, thus obtaining direct evidence that the earth is not flat.


Kauaʻi (pronounced Cow-ah' ee or simply Ka-wai) is north west of Oahu. It is the wettest spot on earth, receiving more rainfall annually than any other place. For a brief period in the early 1990s, it was overrun with man-eating dinosaurs and Jeff Goldblum.[note 1]


Niʻihau (pronounced Nee' ee-how or simply Neehow) is known as the "Forbidden Isle" and is privately pwned. There is a small contingent of Hawaiian-speaking natives that live on the island. All others must get permission or risk having their heads shrunk and eaten.

Hawai’i-Emperor Seamount Chain[edit]

All of the islands, as well as a trail of seamounts to the northwest of Hawaiʻi that either failed to break the surface or were submerged due to erosion or rising sea levels, were created by the same hotspot and are evidence of that pesky plate tectonics theory which cannot possibly be true.


This is the newest island of Hawaii, forming off the southeastern coast of BI. It is slowly being built, currently 975m from sea level, and is currently classified as a seamount, much like the rest of the Hawaii-Emperor Seamount chain. It will become an island sometime in the next 100,000 years, assuming ocean levels don't rise in the same time period. Thermal vents around the mount are host to many chemosynthetic microbial organism colonies which were clearly put their[sic] by God and not from some form of abiogenesis.

Local vocabulary[edit]

Hawaiian words and phrases[edit]

  • ALOHA - "Hello", "Goodbye", "Respect", "love" and like 50 other things
  • MAHALO - "Thank you", "Thanks"
  • E KOMO MAI - "Welcome"
  • HIKI NŌ - "I can", "I'm able to"
  • ʻOHANA - "family", can either refer to your real family, close friends/colleagues or a community
  • MAIKAʻI - fine, well
  • PONO - good, well, righteous
  • WELINA MAI - "Greetings"
  • ʻAE - yes
  • ʻAʻOLE - no
  • ʻEKAHI - one
  • ʻELUA - two
  • ʻEKOLU - three
  • HALE - house
  • KAMAʻĀINA - Hawaii resident (native and non-native)
  • KANAKA MAOLI - Native Hawaiian
  • KANAKA - person, human

Pidgin words and phrases[edit]

  • ALOHA - "Hello", "Good-bye", and "Don't forget to go home" (when used in reference to a haole -see below)
  • BRUDDA - dude, man, homie; slim, young (when used in reference with AAVE)
  • DA KINE - Hawaiian for I-don't-know-what-to-call-it-because-I'm-too-busy-hating-haoles
  • HAOLE (pronounced "How-Lee")- when used sarcastically, it is the Hawaiian version of the "N-word" for white people
  • PODAGEE - Portuguese, can also mean “stupid” due to a stereotype about them
  • BORINKEE - Puerto Ricans, alternatively spelled as “porinkee”
  • YOBO - Koreans (comes from the Korean word for “sweetheart” or “darling”, not used that way in Hawaii)
  • FLIP - Filipinos
  • MANONG - also refers to Filipinos
  • JAPANEE - Japanese
  • BUDDHAHEAD - Local Japanese from Hawaii
  • SOLE - Samoans (comes from a common Samoan surname “Sole”)
  • MELE KALIKIMAKA - Merry Christmas. Er, Happy Holidays
  • PAU - finished; done
  • POI - Hawaiian for bland oatmeal
  • PUKA - a small hole or pocket
  • UF (pronounced "oof") - to have sex
  • WIKIWIKI - "Quick" or "Hurry up"
  • HO BRAH - the Hawaiian version of “Woah dude”, locals use it when they’re surprised
  • YOU LIKE SCRAP? - “Want to fight?”, often used in Waianae, the safest place in Hawaii
  • TRY COME - “Come over here”
  • ONO - "Delicious"
  • BROKE DA MOUT - "Really delicious"
  • NOT EVEN - "No way", "Really?, "You're kidding!"
  • PAU HANA - "Finished", "Done with work", "Finally, I'm home! Now where's my Heineken?"
  • HANA HOU - "Do it again", "One more time", "Encore"


Bernie Sanders famously carried Hawaii. [note 2]But examined more closely, Hawaii's entrenched "blue" politics can be a bit misleading. The local Democratic party is firmly left-of-center on most issues, and representatives on the state and federal level must have a close relationships with local hegemonies (finance, tourism, insurance, entertainment, agriculture, and so on). There is also the large military presence. These relationships are somewhat typical of flyover states in the US. Support for the Democrats, particularly among older voters, is based primarily on inherited racial and labor union loyalty as well as a legacy relationship with the ever-popular Sen. Inouye (Democrat, '63-'12). However, this may be changing with a general leftward shift away from "liberalism", which is also the reason many in the state view Tulsi Gabbard as a Machiavellian opportunist.

In fact, Hawaii was added alongside Alaska because it was expected to be a Republican state, while the latter was expected to be Democratic.[6] Obviously, it didn't end up happening that way, and even in the first election where they could vote, Hawaii went for JFK while Alaska went for Richard Nixon. [note 3]

Hawaii in modern culture[edit]

  • Most notably in this context, "wiki" comes from "wiki wiki", Hawaiian for "quickly".
  • The titular 1966 movie Hawaii. Featuring Max Von Sydow as a missionary, and Julie Andrews. Also has quite an excellent soundtrack.[7]
  • Code Name: Diamond Head, riffing material for Mystery Science Theater 3000
  • Hawaii Five-O had awesome surf-style theme music, and atrociously wooden "acting".
  • Magnum, P.I. is the greatest TV show of all time.
  • Gilligan's Island was filmed partly on Kauaʻi and is set somewhere within the Hawaiian Islands.

Notable Hawaii residents[edit]

  • Don Ho
  • Mauna Loa (not a person, it's a damn volcano!)
  • Mauna Kea (not her sister, it's another damn volcano!)
  • Hale akala (not the auntie, it's yet another damn volcano!)
  • Stitch (naturalized)
  • Lilo Pelekai
  • Barack Hussein Obamaor so they would have you believe
  • Daniel Akaka- the first native Hawaiian senator
  • Keanu Reeves is of Native Hawaiian descent on his father's side (the name "Keanu" means "the cool breeze"), but was born in Lebanon and raised in Canada.
  • Jason Momoa, known as Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones and Aquaman in the DC Extended Universe.
  • Nicole Scherzinger of Pussycat Dolls fame.



  1. It is a favored film location for many jungle/island/Vietnam-era movies, as it is in the United States and many part of the island are owned by private families who trade usage rights for upkeep (trail maintenance, fences, picnic tables, etc.) instead of cash.
  2. Not just in the primary. In the general election, one faithless elector in Hawaii voted for Sanders!
  3. Both states were quite competitive as Hawaii voted for JFK by only 0.06%, and initially believed to have gone to Nixon, while Nixon won Alaska by only 1.94%. However, since the 1980s, Alaska was solid red and Hawaii was solid blue. The only election when Hawaii was more Republican than Alaska was 1972, and even then, by just 1.5%.