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Illinois, land of Lincoln. Depiction not to scale.

Illinois is the "Land of Lincoln." (Try to top that, Indiana![1]) The preceding is a standard case of liberal deceit, as everyone knows Lincoln was born in Kentucky. Its other nickname is the Prairie State, which tends to be used less. It got its name because the roads there are so rough that they make you ill and annoyed.

Peoria is in Illinois, and it always matters how things will play there. The uniquely named Oblong is also in Illinois and calls itself "The Only Oblong. If a citizen were to marry someone from Normal, Illinois, the announcement would read "OBLONG MAN MARRIES NORMAL WOMAN." Illinois is also home to the city of Chicago, known as "the city of broad shoulders" and "America's hog butcher."

Despite the dominance of Chicago, Illinois is a leading agricultural state. It ranks second only to Iowa in the size of its corn and soybean crops though surpassing them in production of dirty politicians.

If you happen to be in Springfield, go get a horseshoe, they're pretty good.

Chicago's corruption is like our pizza[edit]

Every city has it, but none of them do it quite like we do! (And ours is deeper than everyone else's!)

Twelve Chicago Democrats walking through a cemetery taking down names is a "get out the vote" rally. And yes, Chicago pretty much is Illinois, the way Chicago votes determines the governor, senators, and electoral votes.

A point of much embarrassment for many residents is the tendency for Illinois Governors to be crooks or try to sell Senate seats (we're looking at you Rod). But none of that matters, since the state has been unilaterally ruled by the one-man Michael Madigan Party since 1983.[2]

Illinois holds the dubious distinction as the state where two followers of Lyndon LaRouche won major contested elections, in the Democratic primaries in 1986 for Secretary of State and Lieutenant Governor. These primary victories are widely regarded as a fluke resulting from downstate Illinoisans voting against the Chicago machine candidates, as they usually do, without knowing anything about LaRouche. This sent the state party into panic where the party-endorsed candidates ran on the Solidarity Party ticket and the LaRouche followers on the Democratic Party ticket, throwing the election to the Republicans.

Fun fact: Illinois residents have the lowest amount of trust in government out of all the states.

Jeopardy! Answer[edit]

The plural of Illinoisan is Illini.

Other people from Illinois[edit]

  • Forty-fourth President of the United States Barack Obama, also originally a Senator representing this state (whose vacant seat Blagojevich tried to sell after the former ended up with a position the latter fortunately will never have)
  • Former Secretary of State and former Senator from New York Hillary Clinton.
  • Rod Blagojevich, Chairman of the Corruption and Hair Rights Commission
  • George Ryan, predecessor to the previous in the Governor's seat and an eventual federal prison cell
  • John Shimkus, anti-science Representative
  • Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago
  • Jake and Elwood Blues
  • Robert Wadlow, the tallest man known (born in 1918 in Alton; due to complications he died at age 22).
  • Bruce Rauner- A millionaire businessman who got bored and decided to run for governor. To the dismay of just about everyone, he won.
  • Phyllis Schlafly, ominously responsible for progeny like Andrew and Roger
  • And many more...Wikipedia


  1. They're trying to, with "Lincoln's Boyhood Home."
  2. Yliseya Jr., James, "Michael Madigan Is the King of Illinois", Chicago Mag (11/20/13 10:21 a.m.).