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At least in the Wild West, they practise geometry!
Colorado, where the earth threw up

Colorado is the "highest" state in the United States. It was founded in 1984 by Ted Haggard and James Dobson in 1861 as a U.S. territory, and became a state in 1876. Colorado is distinctive for once being highly conservative, but is now much more liberal, perhaps due to all the Californian immigrants. It was the first state to legalize recreational cannabis, the second to legalize psilocybin, and was the third state to let its citizens choose whether or not they want single payer healthcare, in the November, 2016, election.[1] These political poles are exemplified by two Front Range cities: Boulder and Colorado Springs.


The word "Colorado" is a corruption of a Native American tribal language meaning "White man come here to snowboard on weekend."[citation NOT needed] It was founded on 50-50 land.[note 1] It was granted statehood in 1876, giving the state its nickname "The Centennial State", which won out over the "Goddamn, those mountains are high"[note 2] state.


Colorado has no culture, period. When people say to a Coloradoan, "bring me something traditional, or emblematic of your state", a Coloradoan will quiver in fear. Other than some "Cowboys and Indians" which aren't really that influential in the state, and lots of mining, there isn't much.

There are no distinctly "Coloradoan" restaurants to speak of, and no real "traditional food" unless you want to try some buffalo, rattlesnake, or Rocky Mountain Oysters—but those are far from traditional dishes. There's no "Denver style pizza" or "Rocky Mountain Chili" or a Pikes Peak Hotdog. Instead, you get watered down versions of New York or Chicago-style pizza, which anyone from NY or Chicago cringes at. There is a Denver omelet, but rumor has it, it was actually invented in California. The closest anyone has tried are the "Mountain pies" ("Colorado Style Pizza") served at the BeauJo's located around the Front Range. Drinks are served in Ball jars, and the dessert is the extra-doughy pizza crust (sweetened by application of honey kept at every table)—but every time one user goes there, he finds a hair in the sauce.

Colorado does, however, brew a tremendous amount of beer, both in large quantities (Coors, Budweiser) and in small batches (one could include megabytes worth of data here about the different microbreweries and brew pubs in the state).

On the cocktail side, the "Colorado Bulldog", which is simply a White Russian with a splash of cola, was probably invented in Russia. No one in Colorado drinks it.[note 3] Add whipped cream and Galliano, and you have a "Root Beer Float".

Residents of Colorado tend to be divided into three groups: "natives" (people born in the state), "transplants" (people who moved to the state and loved it, never wanting to return to whatever shithole-of-a-state they came from, mostly from the Midwest, though also from California in the recent years) and "fucking Texans with their God-damned Winnebagos going 20 MPH under the speed limit in the left lane!"


Boulder is a city in Colorado, home to the main campus of the University of Colorado and Mork and Mindy, and one of the most liberal cities in the world United States.

Boulder often has a distinction as being extremely gay-friendly. It has had bans on sexual orientation discrimination since 1974. In 2008, Jared Polis, whose district included Boulder, was elected to Congress as the first openly gay parent to serve.

Boulder is a very socialist and green city, which tends to lead the state (and sometimes the nation) in adopting new environmental laws. You can actually call Boulder "The People's Republic of Boulder" or "10 miles surrounded by reality" and they won't get offended. Boulder is a wealthy city, with high taxes and cost of living, compared to most of Colorado, due in part to limits on new development—which helps the city lead rankings for happiness, fitness, good food, and adoration of prairie dogs.

Boulder has been ranked as the most educated city in the United States for several years running.[2] Given the number of government scientists and the University of Colorado being its most central feature, this is not surprising—until you take into account the amount of New Age and Mysticism (as well as many forms of hippy-inspired woo) that many people like to indulge in. There are enough alties in Boulder to feature many yoga studios, a Shinto dating page on eHarmony,[3] and a Buddhist university, Naropa.[4]

The local CU Buffaloes (The Buffs) football team is also there when people need an excuse to watch a game and drink. Many students seem to find a game as an excuse to riot, no matter how their team does, so drinking had been curtailed until recent years. Only "3.2" beer was sold at the Buffs football games until 1996. (This was after head evangelist/coach Bill McCartney's tenure.) Now fans can at least drink when the Buffs show their general ineptitude at running the ball across the field.

Another favorite pastime at CU Boulder is the 420 smokeout.[5] The campus has attempted to stop this after 8-15,000 people showed up in 2011, as no one who showed up could quite remember the day very well, which hasn't stopped a number of people from trying anyways. This has been moved outside the Capital in Denver.

Colorado Springs[edit]

Colorado Springs is a city in Colorado. In contrast to Boulder, it seems to be the conservative Christian capital of the Rocky Mountains United States.

It contains many mega churches and well-known Christian organizations like Focus on the Family and The Navigators. At current count there are 81 similar Christian organizations' headquarters in the area leading it to be called "The Christian Mecca"...but don't say this. There are also notable pastors like James Dobson and conservative pundit Michelle Malkin currently residing in the area. Ted Haggard was a well-known pastor in the area before his rather public implosion.

Colorado Springs also has a significant military presence including Fort Carson, Peterson Air Force Base, Schriever Air Force Base, the Air Force Academy, and NORAD/Cheyenne Mountain Air Defense Command close by. If you ever get the chance, a visit to the Air Force Chapel is amazing.

Colorado Springs is also home to the United States Olympic Training Center, a training facilities for United States Olympic and Paralympic athletes, as well as the United States Olympic & Paralympic Committee headquarters.

Birth control[edit]

Free contraception has been provided to Colorado teenagers, causing a dramatic decline in unwanted teen pregnancies.[6]

Claims to fame[edit]

The state is mostly a wasteland of gold prospectors, New Agers, mountains, and Radio Station WWV which rocks harder than Metal Machine Music and will give you the bends if you listen to it for more than 30 minutes. Colorado has long been in running competition with West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Montana, and Nevada for the state with the highest ratio of tommyknockers to humans.

The city of Deer Trail claims to be the home of the world's first rodeo.[7] It's also quite possible that Deer Trail has the world's ugliest website.[8]

The Colorado beetle is a serious pest of potatoes.

Colorado once (quite recently in fact, 1975–1987) had a governor who proclaimed the elderly and terminally ill have a duty to die.[9]

In 1972, Denver became the only town so far to actually turn down hosting Olympic Games. To coincide with Colorado's 100th anniversary and America's 200th, Denver was to host the 1976 Winter Olympics. The reason? Mr. Duty to Die himself, then a state representative, led a successful movement to cut off public funding for the games, and so Denver was forced to call off the games.

In 1992, Colorado became the first (and so far only) state to adopt the Taxpayer Bill of Rights, meaning that tax increases in state must be tied to population growth and inflation. Otherwise, raising taxes is only permitted if the voters approve it in a referendum.

Medical marijuana was legalized in 2000 in the state of Colorado. In 2012, recreational use of marijuana was legalized in Colorado and in Washington. (Wyoming legalized the state lottery. Yeehaw!) In 2022, they took it a step further and legalized psilocybin, becoming the second state to do so (Oregon had done it two years earlier).

Colorado's delegates to the 2016 GOP convention tried to block Donald Trump's nomination, which will probably get them deported to Mexico.[citation NOT needed]

In 2016, Colorado became the third state where single-payer health care was put on referendum, after California in 1994 and Oregon in 2002. It totally failed.[10]

James Rockford and Thomas Magnum would have loved Colorado, though it's questionable how they would have felt about the mountains and the weather. In 1877, Colorado became the first state in the union to pass a law on licensing requirements for private investigators (fun fact: it was also the first law passed by Colorado as a state). However, in 1977, due to the vague definition of term 'private investigator', the law was ruled unconstitutional, so between 1977 to 2012/2015, in Colorado there were no requirements to be a PI. However, on July 1, 2012, a voluntary licensing act became effective, and since June 1, 2015, licensing is mandatory for Colorado PIs.

On March 23rd 2020, Colorado abolished the death penalty.[11]


Mountain goats are hunted for sport in Colorado.[12]

Colorado is represented by many sports teams, but only four really count for anything:

The Colorado Rockies, in baseball, made it all the way to the World Series in 2007, before being swept by the Boston Red Sox. Both they and their host city, much like St. Louis and the Cardinals three years previously, were gracious and sportsmanlike hosts. This sort of behavior is typical of the Midwest, while quite rare in East Coast cities like Boston or New York.

In football (soccer), they are represented by the Colorado Rapids. This is a group that has never had a decent season and probably never will (aside from winning a championship in 2010). Ridiculously cheap tickets are constantly promoted on TV, but no one cares. Few people would ever admit to being to a game even if they did buy some.

In football (football) the team is the Denver Broncos, a team known for many years as one to choke in the big game. That all changed when the Patron Saint of Denver, John Elway, led the team to back to back championships in the '90s. In accordance to the sacred reverence due his name, blaspheming the name Elway is punishable by mob justice and instant crucifixion on the 16th Street Mall (a walking mall in the area).[note 4] Belittling Tim Tebow, however, was not considered hate speech, and now that he has moved on, he is fair game. Peyton "The Redeemer" Manning does not have quite the exalted status as Elway, but kneeling and bowing one's head is customary. After another Super Bowl victory in 2016, it might as well have been a holiday for the absurd number of absent students from school.[13]

The state basketball team is known as the Denver Nuggets, in honor of the huge amounts of gold bite-sized chicken eaten by residents in any calendar year. They aren't good.

The most successful team is the Colorado Avalanche hockey team, the first team to bring the state of Colorado a major championship and winning two Stanley Cups and seemingly giving the cold fair weather fans of Denver a team that can be counted on. But after 10 years, and the retirement of Forseberg, Sakic and Roy, they too have become rather mediocre.

Most locals with any sense just ignore the big sports and go skiing or hiking.


When viewed from above, Colorado is a simple rectangle. However, when viewed from the side, one half is dead flat and the other is really bumpy. Technically, Colorado is more of a trapezoid, as it is defined as being from latitude 37°N to 41°N and longitude 102.05°W to 109.05°W (25°W to 32°W using the Washington meridian, which is based at 77.05°W); while the latitudes are parallel, the longitudes converge at the pole. Even more technically, Colorado has 697 sides due to errors made by the 19th century surveyors, so Colorado is actually a hexahectaenneacontakaiheptagon.[14]

Famous people not from Colorado[edit]

  • John Denver was not from Colorado although he wanted you to believe he was. See also West Virginia for another example of this liberal deceit on the part of John Denver. One can argue his song "Rocky Mountain High" seemed to predict Colorado becoming the first state to legalize marijuana 40 years before, with the line "friends around the campfire and everybody's high".
  • C.W. McCall also pretended to be from Colorado but was actually from Iowa. He did later relocate and get himself elected mayor of Ouray, Colorado.
  • Richard "Duty to Die" Lamm was from Madison, Wisconsin.
  • Lauren Boebert was born in Florida.
  • Charles Foster KaneWikipedia, title character of the Orson WellesWikipedia' cinematic masterpiece Citizen KaneWikipedia, was placed in Colorado by birth. As a fictional character he is not so much a real Coloradan as created in some writer's mind.



  1. 50% stolen from Mexico, 50% stolen from the Indians
  2. And so am I
  3. Four years of bartending in Denver, never made a single one.
  4. Seriously though, talk bad about Elway, and they will hurt you.