Fun:Texas

Everything is bigger in Texas.

“”The chicken hawks are full of squawks, Deep in the heart of Texas, The oil wells Are full of smells, Deep in the heart of Texas.

—Gene Autry

“”DALLAS (NBC News) — An East Texas man was wounded after he fired a gun at an armadillo in his yard and the bullet ricocheted back to hit him in his face, the county sheriff said.

—Meanwhile, in Texas

“”If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell.

—Gen. Philip Sheridan

The Republic Of Texas (ROT), a.k.a. the "Lone Star State", is an independent country adjacent to the United States.

Six flags have flown over Texas: the Spanish, the French, the Spanish again, the Mexican, Ancient Texas, the United States, the Confederate States, the United States again and Better Texas. Texas still shares a border with Mexico, who might try to annex the state for a second, third, FOURTH FIFTH time. Nice state you got there, Texas. Be a shame if something were to happen to it...

Texas has had independence from the United States ever since Governor Hairdo, High Prophet of the Most Venerable Family-Based Catholic Church of Texas, declared "independence" from them yellow bellied Yankees.

History

“”Like most passionate nations, Texas has its own history based on, but not limited by, facts.

—John Steinbeck

So after independence from Spain, Mexico had a vast tract of land to its north that was mostly inhabited by natives. Mexico wanted to develop this territory, but the Comanche tribe begged to differ, constantly raiding or enslaving anyone that entered the area; the name of the tribe is actually "enemy" in another native language. Of course, the Mexicans (and Americans) didn't have any moral qualms about purchasing slaves from the Comanche, so there wasn't exactly a moral high ground there. So the Mexicans thought they could settle this area by letting Americans in and doing the dirty work for them. But more Americans showed up than expected (or allowed), which made Mexico a bit nervous, as they were neither Spanish-speaking nor Catholic. The irony of current Texans turning around and whining about immigrants from Mexico should not be lost on the rest of the country. Mexico tried to Catholicize the Americans, but it turned out that they were a bit better armed than the natives were leading to high tensions in the region. One of the last straws that broke the camel's back was when Mexico had the audacity to abolish Slavery in 1829, because of course it fucking was.

So the moral of the story is… beware the camel's nose, or never outsource your war crimes? I guess?

Texas stuff

“”Everything you know that's awful about Texas can be found in the Dallas suburbs: racism, bad hair, gaudy displays of wealth, etc. It’s like a million Tomi Lahrens in one place.

—Drew Magary

Texas is famous for its high quality ed-jew-ma-kay-shun system, which the northern states foot the bill for.

Further money is thrown at corporate raiders in Houston… so they can continue eroding the U.S. economy.

Heads of multinationals are cloistered in Dallas, a white-collar playground.

Austin is a giant political reverse-affirmative-action program for the rich and stupid. The governorship is traditionally seen as a do-nothing job, since the Lieutenant Governor holds the actual legislative authority. Bush's title made him sound much more important than he was; he spent most of his time making sure people liked him. If you're a total mediocrity it just doesn't get any better than Texas. (Every Congressman and Senator from there is a wacko-bird, as McCain put it.)

Sports

Screw the Cowboys. Everything bad about modern sports (buy a sports franchise and use it to pry open your neighbors' bank vault) emanates from the Cowboys. Most of their fans don't live in Texas, Hank Hill notwithstanding. Texas's other football team is called (wait for it) the Texans.

Baseball in Texas has turned out to be a complete oof. There are two Major League Baseball teams in Texas: one of them is The Texas Rangers, a team from Dallas Arlington, Texas. They only had to throw a single strike to win the 2011 World Series (twice), yet ended up losing the game (and game 7 the following night) to the St. Louis Cardinals. What would have been Texas's first World Series Championship appeared to go the Rangers' retarded little brother: the Houston Astros, who in 2017 "won" the series in 7 over the Los Angeles Dodgers. A 2019-20 investigation ended up proving that the Astros cheated by stealing catcher signs using a camera installed in the outfield. The results of the investigation resulted in the dismissal of Astros manager A.J. Hinch and general manager Jeff Luhnow (Boston Red Sox manager Alex Cora, who was the Astros' bench coach at the time, was also fired), a $5 million dollar fine, forfeited draft picks for 2020-21. In 2020, NBA Legend Lebron James announced that he would be producing a documentary on the Astros cheating scandal: Astros third baseman Alex Bregman, believed to have been in on the cheating, wasn't too pleased with the news.

In 2023, the Texas Rangers finally became the first baseball team in Texas to actually have a (so far) uncontested World Series title.

Oh yeah, get this, Texas even has a hockey team: The Dallas Stars, formerly the Minnesota North Stars. They even hosted their own outdoor game on January 1st 2020 vs the Nashville Predators. The event was complete with country music, horse acts, and pig races performed before the game and during intermissions.

Texit

They wanted their quarter to be larger than all the others.

Due to having entered the Union under unusual circumstances, as well as a prevailing spirit of plucky individualism, there are a number of Texans who claim not only that Texas should secede from the greater part of the United States, but that it has a unique right to do so, the outcome of the American Civil War notwithstanding. Despite claiming a constitutional right to do so, this right does not actually exist. The line in question was part of the first state Constitution, which was rewritten and a new state constitution was approved post-Civil War denying them that right, just like every other rebellious state. That few of its proponents know anything about said constitutional law, including (oops) Governor Rick Perry, complicates matters significantly.

Ironically, Sam Houston, the most well-known hero of the Texas Revolution and the Texan equivalent of George Washington, was an avowed Unionist who actually campaigned against his state joining the Confederacy (and was arrested for it).

Politickin'

“”Texas is an outrage when your husband is dead. Texas is an outrage when they pick up his head. Texas is the reason that the President's dead!

—The Misfits

Surprisingly, Nixon's Southern Strategy did not work in the first term election: Texas was the only Southern state to give its votes to Humphrey (D). He won the second time, though. Texans blamed the Civil Rights Act and hippie counterculture on the Democratic Party they had once loved. They have not supported a Democratic presidential candidate since Carter in 1976. Bill Clinton losing Texas in 1992, the first time a Democrat won the WH without the state, officially made it a red state. Despite these losses, Democrats continued to win at the state level. It's not because people liked Ann Richards (D) that much, it's because Clayton Williams (R) said something to the effect of "If it's [rape] inevitable, just relax and enjoy it, lol." He was almost guaranteed to be elected and was leading in the polls by a wide margin but that statement killed his bid.

Then in 1994, Governor Richards lost her reelection bid to George W. Bush and Bush's coattails brought every state office to the Republicans. Then in 2002 Democrats lost the Legislature, officially killing the party. The GOP has held the state ever since and Tom DeLay certainly wouldn't let go of it.

There was a lot of strife in the 2000s when Tom Craddick (R) became the first Republican Speaker of the House since 1971. With his newfound power he was under pressure from the party to push legislation, and he did so by breaking house rules. In 2001, 50 Democrats from the Texas legislature fled to neighboring Oklahoma — it was that bad. They did this because legislators tried to — and eventually succeeded at — gerrymandering the state. (Gerrymandering was one of the strategies used by Rove and DeLay in their efforts to create a permanent Republican majority throughout the U.S.) A bit of sensibility to the political environment was returned with the election of Joe Strauss in 2009. In the same year, though, the Tea Party began to emerge. Originally based on more libertarian principles, they were taken in by the extreme wing of the Republican Party.

California and Texas have the same percentage of Hispanics. They're a sleeping monster. Texas Republicans know the risk but they are also very confident that trends in the local Latino population are going their way, with things like increasingly English-dominant speakers. That, and that they have been pretty good about running conservative Latinos, like Ted Cruz and George Bush the youngest. The question is whether baggage from the national party will drag down their efforts. For instance, if the "Freedom Caucus" had their way and all their regressive pipe dreams were realized, every business would end up leaving the state and their economy would crash; the Freedom Caucus has proposed laws of their own, and killed other bills in retribution for the lack of a support they received. It's a win-win for the Talibanis: They get to push their religious agenda and the resulting boycotts will only harm the 'liberal' areas of Texas. The GOP doesn't care if Amazon comes to Texas or not. Hell, they probably prefer they don't since most of the people who'd move here for Amazon live in the city and vote blue. The GOP doesn't care if the NCAA says no championships in Texas. Rural areas see no benefit from those events. Woodville would prefer a bathroom bill even if it means Houston, Austin, and Dallas lose out on billions in cash flow.

There is little hope for sanity in Texas. Texan Democrats don't even have their shit together to put up someone up for election. Democrats are in the running for every Congressional seat in 2018. Texas Democrats also made their bed and took a shower today. And lo and behold, they managed to defeat 2 Republican House incumbents (in the 7th and 32nd districts) while keeping all of their own seats. It's not like things have gotten any better, with an incredibly restrictive voter suppression law and a ban on abortion after six weeks both being passed in 2021 despite the Democrats' best efforts to stop them, with the latter even being allowed by the Supreme Court, threatening Roe v. Wade.

It's not all bad

Sarah Davis is a Republican, and a pretty moderate one at that. In 2017, she tried to expand HPV vaccinations to girls in protective custody of the state. Her exasperation at her dipshit colleagues who were convinced this is some kind of Big Pharma ploy was pretty fun.

Joe Straus was the last moderate in high office. He's done a lot to keep the state government from veering too far right, and he was pretty much the only thing preventing the bathroom bill from passing. They are now censuring Straus for… what exactly? Ah, ethical behavior. Republican kryptonite.

With more than 40 wind farms in the state, Texas currently leads the United States in the producing more wind energy than any state in the nation. This has lead Texas to be seen as a leading model in future states to adopt cleaner energy, which you would probably never have expected.

Freedumb

In Texas, you can’t gamble, buy fireworks, get reproductive health care if you are female (particularly if you are poor), or prevent Christian indoctrination of your children in public schools.

Can’t buy a car on Sunday, can’t buy alcohol on Sunday, can't have pornography, can’t be queer, can't be brown, can’t be non-Christian, can’t vote by mail, can’t vote on bills, can’t have Barbie dolls, can’t have Sesame Street, can’t have electricity, can't have a reliable location where you can vote, can’t travel out of state without risk of being sued by someone, can’t smoke weed, can’t buy weed, can't have a Governor face questions from his constituents, can’t have gun control after two very widely-covered mass shootings in two years... One wonders if they consider 'controlling how other people live' to be the only form of freedom that they enjoy.

But: Some of the highest property taxes, registration fees, water taxes, rip-off toll roads, and homeowner and auto insurance rates. The majority of municipal fines, license fees, and bureaucratic subcharges all, effectively, constitute the Texas state tax. This makes for a pretty regressive system of taxation.

In November 2023, the libertarian Cato Institute's "Freedom in the 50 States" analysis, while ranking Texas #6 for "economic freedom", ranked Texas dead last (#50) in personal freedom. In particular, Texas was dinged for its "generally aggressive" criminal justice policies, and cannabis laws that were "the worst in the country."

Responsible Gun Owners

See the main article on this topic: Gun nut

So, you can wear brass knuckles on your fists, a pistol exposed on your hip, a samurai sword on your back, and a switchblade in your pocket, all while dishing out ninja stars, but you can't buy beer before noon on Sunday?

Everyone in Texas is armed. Even the cows. A law now allows for open carry of largely defensive weapons of gun at all state colleges as of August 2016; the ban on plug-in air fresheners and waffle makers will remain in effect because they're dangerous.

The long, flabby arm of the law

Texas is one of the few states where you can legally shoot somebody for robbery if you don't believe your life is in danger.

In Texas, if the police don't like you, especially if your skin is brown rather than white, then they can arrest you for nothing and say it was public intoxication.

Texans don't need to worry about federal soldiers coming in and fucking them over. Their own law enforcement agencies do that. State troopers circle the I40 like buzzards trying to pick off a citizen violating one of the many of thousands of regulations. It's obvious that their mission is extortion and not keeping the peace or protecting society.

The only thing Abbott has accomplished of note is to force law enforcement to take courses on canine education. Texan cops love to shoot people's pets for no fucking reason, other than the fact that they can't shoot minorities as freely as they used to, so they are taking their frustrations out on Fido.

SECURE THE BORDERS!!!… only don't do it anywhere near our borders

See the main article on this topic: Secure the border

It sounds like a story treatment for a movie: despotic tyrant secretly invades one of his own states under cover of a military exercise. Because when you want to implement martial law in the US, where should you start? DC? The major cities? No, you gotta start with Bastrop County!

Did any of the folks suckered in by the Jade Helm conspiracy theory go back and re-evaluate the sources they get their "news" from and discard the media that lied to them to embrace actual news sites now instead? Nope, they will just rationalize it by saying that it was only the media exposure that made them give up their original Jade Helm plans. We did it, everybody! We saved Texas from the commies, yet again! Good work! But don't become complacent — freedom requires eternal vigilance.

It's funny, small towns usually love military exercises and all the saluting and fraternizing with troops. Not sure what lever was pulled and made that military-boner sour into fear.

Separation of church and accountability

In 2008, the Texas Supreme Court ruled that a 17-year old girl who was imprisoned and abused while hallucinating could not sue the church over damages done during the exorcism.

Watch yourself: anti-abortion advocates in Texas are no joke. It's also the site of that "The only good abortion is my abortion" article which made rounds in 2000.

Texan Science

• Texas Board of Education, which has some interesting personalities serving on it:
  • Barbara Cargill
  • Cynthia Dunbar
  • Don McLeroy
• Texans for Better Science Education — ironically named creationist group
• Andrew Wakefield — after he got kicked out of England for what may be the most damaging case of medical fraud in the past century, he fled to Texas.

Goldbuggery

Texas passed a law requiring the state to stockpile gold bars, starting in 2009. After amassing $1 billion in bullion, and losing $350 million due to price fluctuation, Texas passed a 2015 law that requires that the bullion be moved from New York to an undecided and unfunded facility within Texas. Not only will the transportation of the gold cost a substantial amount of money but the guarding and maintenance of the holding facility will be costly. In the meantime the value of gold might still decrease. Texas (fortunately) is the only US state that has its own gold hoard.

More notable Texans

• Dwight D. Eisenhower – Supreme Allied Commander Europe, mastermind of D-Day, and 34^th President of the United States.
• Lyndon B. Johnson – The President (36^th POTUS) who requested extra space in the crotch when having his suits tailored.
• The Dixie Chicks – i.e. The only people leading the argument against the Iraq War. Of course they got a nice, understanding reception.

More notable crazies

• Ken Lay – Enron CEO, came scarily close to becoming U.S. Treasurer; settled for extorting billions from Californians during its energy crisis.
• Joe Barton – weren't Republicans supposed to be the party of small government and freedom?
• Ted Cruz – "Syrian refugees we will take, but you can't make us take Cruz back!" — Canada
• Arliss Loveless Greg Abbott – Governor Abbott can't walk. And that isn't stopping him from being a very active, if utterly evil and mendacious, politician. You don't need legs to fuck people over!
• Louie Gohmert – also, it's inspiring to see what Gohmert has accomplished, in spite of his obvious mental illness.
• Alex Jones – he didn't even show up for that Jade Helm panel he kept squawking about. "According to sources who spoke exclusively to Mediaite, Jones has been spotted on a remote island where people are taken when they know too much, and is now called 'Number Five.'"
• Ron Paul – [t]he freedom to starve should be considered a civil right rather than an evil to be protected against. Oh, and just throw students to the wolves of the private loan companies, they are so much better. It's about as good as my idea to throw the elderly to the wolves of the private insurers by cutting off medicare.
• Rick Perry – everyone should thank Rick Perry for validating why we have separation of church and state.
• Mary Lou Bruner – "whistleblower" on the Barack Obama prostitution scandal.
• Ali Alexander
• Brittany Venti
• Steven Crowder
• Glenn Beck
• George W. Bush – 43^rd POTUS.
• Allen West

Irony

Texas seceded from Mexico because the illegal (Anglo) immigrants wanted to keep slaves. Later it seceded from the US because the Texans wanted to keep slaves. One of the things Rick Perry claimed was grounds for secession was… wait for it… illegal immigration. And of course taxes which are like slavery.

Gallery

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  The Shangri La Botanical Gardens in Orange

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  Farm workers, most of them Mexican-American, picketing at Laredo in 1967.

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  A space shuttle being ferried over Houston. Don't look down!

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  Austin.

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  At the rodeo.

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  West Texas.

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  A restaurant in Amarillo.

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  The Alamo. Don't look left or right or you'll spoil the mood.

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  Tea Party protest in Dallas.

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  The Rio Grande at Big Bend National Park.

External links

• Creationist who thinks Obama was a gay prostitute poised to join Texas Board of Education - Haha, nice Onion article. Wait......shit. (She lost, thankfully.)
• Texas is Better Than Maine
• Texas preacher screams at children that their parents are going to hell because they're in line to see the False God Santa (wow, who pissed in his cocoa?)