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Fun:Texas

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The chickenhawks are full of squawks, deep in the heart of Texas
—Gene Autry
DALLAS (NBC News) — An East Texas man was wounded after he fired a gun at an armadillo in his yard and the bullet ricocheted back to hit him in his face, the county sheriff said.[1]
—Meanwhile, in Texas

The Republic of Texas, aka the "Lone Star State", is an independent country adjacent to the United States.

Six flags have flown over Texas: the Spanish, the French, the Spanish again, the Mexican, Ancient Texas, the United States, the Confederate States, the United States again and Better Texas. Texas still shares a border with with with Mexico, who might try to annex the state for a second, third, FOURTH FIFTH time.

Texas has had independence from the United States ever since Governor Hairdo, High Prophet of the Most Venerable Family-Based Catholic Church of Texas, declared "independence" from them yellow bellied yankees.

History[edit]

So after independence from Spain, Mexico had a vast tract of land to its north that was mostly inhabited by natives. Mexico wanted to develop this territory, but the Comanche tribe begged to differ, constantly raiding from or enslaving anyone that entered the area; the name of the tribe is actually "enemy" in another native language. Of course, the Mexicans (and Americans) didn't have any moral qualms about purchasing slaves from the Comanche, so there wasn't exactly a moral high ground there. So the Mexicans thought they could settle this area by letting Americans in and doing the dirty work for them. But more Americans showed up than expected (or allowed), which made Mexico a bit nervous, as they were neither Spanish-speaking nor Catholic. Mexico tried to Catholicize the Americans, but it turned out that they were a bit better armed than the natives were, and well, the Republic of Texas was thus formed.

So the moral of the story is... never outsource your war crimes? I guess?

Texas stuff[edit]

Everything you know that’s awful about Texas can be found in the Dallas suburbs: racism, bad hair, gaudy displays of wealth, etc. It’s like a million Tomi Lahrens in one place.
—Drew Magary[2]

Texas is famous for its high quality ed-jew-ma-kay-shun system, which the northern states foot the bill for.

Further money is thrown at corporate raiders in Houston... so they can continue eroding the U.S. economy. Their football team is called (wait for it) the Texans.

Heads of multinationals are cloistered in Dallas, a white-collar playground. By the way, screw the Cowboys.[3] Everything bad about modern sports (buy a sports franchise and use it to pry open your neighbors' bank vault) emanates from the Cowboys. Most of their fans don’t live in Texas.

Austin is a giant political reverse-affirmative-action program for the rich and stupid. The governorship is traditionally seen as a do-nothing job. If you're a total mediocrity it just doesn't get any better than Texas. (Every Congressman and Senator from there is a wacko-bird, as McCain put it.)

Texit[edit]

They wanted their quarter to be larger than all the others.

Due to having entered the Union under unusual circumstances, as well as a prevailing spirit of plucky individualism, there are a number of Texans who claim not only that Texas should secede from the greater part of the United States, but that it has a unique right to do so, the outcome of the American Civil War notwithstanding. Despite claiming a constitutional right to do so, this right does not actually exist. The line in question was part of the first state Constitution, which was rewritten and a new state constitution was approved post-Civil War denying them that right, just like every other rebellious state. That few of its proponents know anything about said constitutional law, including (oops) Governor Rick Perry,[4] complicates matters significantly.[5][6]

Ironically, Sam Houston, the most well-known hero of the Texas Revolution and the Texan equivalent of George Washington, was an avowed Unionist who actually campaigned against his state joining the Confederacy (and was arrested for it).

Politickin'[edit]

Texas is an outrage when your husband is dead. Texas is an outrage when they pick up his head. Texas is the reason that the President's dead!
—The Misfits

Surprisingly, Nixon's Southern Strategy did not work in the first term election: Texas was the only state to give its votes to Humphrey (D). He won the second time, though. Texans blamed the Civil Rights Act and hippie counterculture on the Democratic Party they had once loved. They have not supported a Democratic presidential candidate since Carter in '76. Bill Clinton losing Texas in 1992, the first time a Democrat won the WH without the state, officially made it a red state. Despite these losses, Democrats continued to win at the state level. It's not because people liked Ann Richards (D) that much, it's because Clayton Williams (R) said something to the effect of "If it's [rape] inevitable, just relax and enjoy it, lol." He was almost guaranteed to be elected and was leading in the polls by a wide margin but that statement killed his bid.

Then in 1994, Governor Richards lost her reelection bid to George W. Bush and Bush's coattails brought every state office to the Republicans. Then in 2002 Democrats lost the Legislature, officially killing the party. The GOP has held the state ever since and Tom DeLay certainly wouldn't let go of it.

There was a lot of strife in the 2000's when Tom Craddick (R) became the first Republican Speaker of the House since '71. With his newfound power he was under pressure from the party to push legislation, and he did so by breaking house rules. In 2001, 50 Democrats from the Texas legislature fled to neighboring Oklahoma. They did this because legislators tried to—and eventually succeeded at—gerrymandering the state. (Gerrymandering was one of the strategies used by Rove and DeLay in their efforts to create a permanent Republican majority throughout the U.S.) A bit of sensibility to the political environment was returned with the election of Joe Strauss in 2009. In the same year, though, the tea party began to emerge. Originally based on more libertarian principles, they were taken in by the extreme wing of the Republican Party.

California and Texas have the same percentage of Hispanics. They're a sleeping monster. Texas Republicans know the risk but they are also very confident that trends in the local Latino population are going their way, with things like increasingly English-dominant speakers. That, and that they have been pretty good about running conservative Latinos, like Ted Cruz and George Bush the youngest. The question is whether baggage from the national party will drag down their efforts. For instance, if the "Freedom Caucus" had their way and all their regressive pipe dreams were realized, every business would end up leaving the state and their economy would crash; the Freedom Caucus has proposed laws of their own, and killed other bills in retribution for the lack of a support they received.[7] It's a win-win for the Talibanis: They get to push their religious agenda and the resulting boycotts will only harm the 'liberal' areas of Texas. The GOP doesn't care if Amazon comes to Texas or not. Hell, they probably prefer they don't since most of the people who'd move here for Amazon live in the city and vote blue. The GOP doesn't care if the NCAA says no championships in Texas. Rural areas see no benefit from those events. Woodville would prefer a bathroom bill even if it means Houston, Austin, and Dallas lose out on billions in cash flow.

There is little hope for sanity in Texas. Texan Democrats don't even have their shit together to put up someone up for election.[8]

Responsible Gun Owners[edit]

Everyone in Texas is armed. Even the cows.[9][10]

A law now allows for open carry of guns at all state colleges as of August 2016;[11] the ban on plug-in air fresheners and waffle makers will remain in effect because they're dangerous.[12]

The long, flabby arm of the law[edit]

In Texas, if the police don’t like you, especially if your skin is brown rather than white, then they can arrest you for nothing and say it was public intoxication.[13]

Texans don't need to worry about federal soldiers coming in and fucking them over. Their own law enforcement agencies do that.[14][15] State troopers circle the I40 like buzzards trying to pick off a citizen violating one of the many of thousands of regulations. It's obvious that their mission is extortion and not keeping the peace or protecting society.

The only thing Abbott has accomplished of note is to force law enforcement to take courses on canine education. Texan cops love to shoot people's pets for no fucking reason, other than the fact that they can't shoot minorities as freely as they used to, so they are taking their frustrations out on Fido.[16]

SECURE THE BORDERS!!!...only don't do it anywhere near our borders[edit]

It sounds like a story treatment for a movie: despotic tyrant secretly invades one of his own states under cover of a military exercise. Because when you want to implement martial law in the US, where should you start? DC? The major cities? No, you gotta start with Bastrop County![17]

Did any of the folks suckered in by the Jade Helm conspiracy theory go back and re-evaluate the sources they get their "news" from and discard the media that lied to them to embrace actual news sites now instead? Nope, they will just rationalize it by saying that it was only the media exposure that made them give up their original Jade Helm plans. We did it, everybody! We saved Texas from the commies, yet again! Good work! But don't become complacent — freedom requires eternal vigilance.

It's funny, small towns usually love military exercises and all the saluting and fraternizing with troops. Not sure what lever was pulled and made that military-boner sour into fear.[18]

Separation of church and accountability[edit]

In 2008 the Texas Supreme Court ruled that a 17-year old girl who was imprisoned and abused while hallucinating could not sue the church over damages done during the exorcism.[19]

Watch yourself: pro-lifers in Texas are no joke. It's also the site of that "The only good abortion is my abortion" article which made rounds in 2000.[20]

Texan Science[edit]

Goldbuggery[edit]

Texas passed a law requiring the state to stockpile gold bars, starting in 2009. After amassing $1 billion in bullion, and losing $350 million due to price fluctuation, Texas passed a 2015 law that requires that the bullion be moved from New York to an undecided and unfunded facility within Texas. Not only will the transportation of the gold cost a substantial amount of money but the guarding and maintenance of the holding facility will be costly. In the meantime the value of gold might still decrease. Texas (fortunately) is the only US state that has its own gold hoard.[21]

More notable Texans[edit]

  • Lyndon Baines Johnson - The President who requested extra space in the crotch when having his suits tailored.
  • The Dixie Chicks - i.e. The only people leading the argument against the Iraq War. Of course they got a nice, understanding reception.

More notable crazies[edit]

Irony[edit]

Texas seceded from Mexico because the illegal (Anglo) immigrants wanted to keep slaves. Later it seceded from the US because the Texans wanted to keep slaves. Now one of the things Rick Perry claims as grounds for secession is... wait for it... illegal immigration. And of course taxes which are like slavery.

External Links[edit]

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Texas Man Injured After Bullet Ricochets Off Armadillo KCEN
  2. Magary, "Is Mystique Horseshit?", Deadspin (2/6/17 at 2:39 PM)
  3. Redford, Patrick, "Cops: Priest Pulled Gun On 8-Year-Old Because He Was A Cowboys Fan", Deadspin (10/04/15 at 11:03am).
  4. What Perry Really Said About Secession
  5. Can Texas Secede from the Union?, CGPGrey
  6. It is rather more clear that most of the rest of the U.S. wishes that Texas would secede.
  7. Garret, Robert T., "Bill massacre: Texas House kills its own proposals with late-night talkfest", Dallas Morning News (11 May 2017, 12:07pm).
  8. Christine Ayala And Elizabeth Koh, "North Texas Congressional incumbents don’t appear to be going anywhere", Dallas News 3.1.16.
  9. Benning, Tom, "So many Texans want gun licenses, DPS adding staff to handle paperwork", Dallas Morning News (3/24/16 4:44 pm).
  10. Benning, Tom, "Misfire: How confusion, legal tweaks led Texas to allow guns in state mental hospitals", Dallas Morning News (4/22/16 8:30 am). A law was passed to allow open carry of guns virtually everywhere in the state starting on January 1, 2016. An exception was carved out for state hospitals — but not state psychiatric hospitals, wtf.
  11. McGaughy, Lauren, "Campus carry group may offer ‘cash prizes’ to UT students who call out anti-gun professors", Dallas Morning News (5/3/16 10:37 am). Gives a whole new meaning to the word "triggered".
  12. 'Armed with reason': Texas campus carry law sees pushback from academics: Anti-campus carry efforts given fresh impetus after Oregon college mass shooting as dissent grows about the implementation of the law by Tom Dart (Saturday 24 October 2015 08.41 EDT) The Guardian.
  13. Cop Walks Into a Bar And...Arrests You. For Having a Drink.
  14. Hastings, Deborah, "Texas state troopers caught on camera probing women's privates aren't isolated incidents: lawyers ", NY Daily News (8/2/13, 5:45 PM).
  15. Burnett, John, "In Texas, Complaints Of Too Many Troopers With Too Little To Do", NPR (9/5/2015 at 8:00 AM ET).
  16. Khalid, Amrita, "How to keep your dog from being shot by police ", The Daily Dot (11/19/15, 8:00am CT | Last updated 11/19/15, 1:54pm CT).
  17. "Abbott Orders Texas Guard to 'Monitor' Planned Military Exercises", KUT 4/28/15.
  18. Answer: They managed to link "military" with "Obama." Apparently racism trumps nationalism.
  19. http://www.nbcnews.com/id/25423465/ns/us_news-faith/t/court-exorcism-protected-law/#.VHE0fvnIZ1g
  20. Arthur, Joyce, "When the Anti-Choice Choose", via Affinity 5 November 2016.
  21. Texas' Gold Returning Within The State's Borders, But Officials Unsure When And How Repository Will Be Built by Chancellor Agard (July 04 2015 5:42 PM EDT) International Business Times.
  22. Brodkin, Jon, "Congressman: To stop ISIS, let’s shut down websites and social media", ARS Technica (11/17/15 12:30pm PST).
  23. Evan McMurry, "Alex Jones Doesn’t Show for ABC News Panel on Jade Helm", Mediate (5-10-15, 11:00 am).
  24. Michel, Casey, "Rick Perry Blames Separation Of Church And State On Satan", TPM (September 20, 2012, 7:13 PM EDT). That's odd, most Texans blame Satan for Rick Perry.