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Still kind of in the South, but still kind of in the north too.
Finger-lickin' jelly!

Kentucky ("Caintuck") is the world's leading producer of jellyWikipedia because its horses are finger-lickin' good.

Kentucky is also famous for its bluegrass. And using one word for two exports.

Despite (or due to) the highly religious nature of Kentuckians[note 1], the main industries are college basketball, coal, horses, gambling, tobacco, marijuana[note 2], alcohol, and porn. The medical field has also grown rapidly in Kentucky, if only in response to the need imposed by the other industries.

Kentucky never officially joined the Confederacy, a fact which most people here don't seem to be aware of.[note 3]


Prior to (Rand) Paul’s reign, (Mitch) McConnell had been the undisputed most embarrassing thing about Kentucky for a staggering twenty-five years. A threat to Paul’s five-year title came earlier this fall, when he fended off a strong challenge by the county clerk Kim Davis. Reached by reporters on Tuesday night, Paul was philosophical about passing the torch to a new source of embarrassment. “I had a good run,” he said.
The New Yorker[1]

Kentucky made the cover of leftist pinko rag The Nation's Oct. 1, 2007 issue.

The vast majority of the population is white (95% or greater). Eighty percent have suffered economically due to "the Zionists" and voted overwhelmingly for Trump.[2]

Keeping the state wholesome for children is something the legislature holds in high regard. They made every Kentuckian drink milk in 2005 for that very reason. It's like Kentucky is twenty years behind everyone else, and even then, it opts to be on the wrong side of history, e.g. dragging its feet on marijuana legalization. It is also home to Ken Ham's Creation Museum (an attack on facts) and "Arc Encounter" drag show [3] theme park[4] (which ripped off millions of tax dollars).[5] He was charging Six Flags prices for a lame version of Ripley's Believe It or Not. No wonder he became a figurehead for Christianity.

Half the guests were atheists who wanted a good laugh.[6]

Health care[edit]

Former Governor Beshear (D) was removed from office after he claimed that Kentucky could afford Kynect (the state's ACA exchange) and the Medicaid expansion. Those who purchase plans on Kynect will still be eligible to purchase plans on Governor Bevin (R) can't opt the whole state out of ACA. A "Tea Party" conservative relinquishing control at the state level to give it back to the Federal government (at the cost of $1.2m) isn't something the average voter is aware of. But they may notice other changes happening in Appalachia.

Why is healthcare so big in Kentucky? Two reasons: first, they have one of the biggest insurance enrollments under Obama (500,000 people). Second, they have an older, sicker population. FiveThirtyEight put out an article about how Americans die per capita. Kentucky tops several of these categories, such as heart disease and automobile accidents. This need for healthcare has not yet been met by the supply of trained personnel, and will only increase as the population ages.

That portion of the economy is likely to slow down or crash under Matt Bevin. The problem then arises about the brain drain which occurs. College graduates and most healthcare workers are already moving out of Appalachia. This is because there is very little to keep them there. Wages are low (though so is cost of living), as is access to most amenities. Jobs, too, are scarce. Outside of health and education, few college-level jobs exist.

When the Trump Administration approved states receiving waivers allowing work requirements for non-disabled adult Medicaid recipients, Kentucky became the first state to relieve a waiver. Starting in July 2017, those who are under the work requirements will have to go to work 20 hours a week, attend school full time, or participate in job searches, volunteering, or job training. Premiums ranging from $1-$15 a month will be assessed as well for non-disabled adults, based on income. Dental and eye benefits will have to be "earned" through participating in classes ranging from financial literacy to health literacy.

There were already lawsuits pending over this, as those filing the lawsuits note that work requirements are contrary to the stated goal of the Medicaid program. Gov. Bevin said that he would end the Medicaid expansion in Kentucky if work requirements are not fully implemented as planned. It is important to note that despite likely kicking a significant number of people out of the Medicaid program, the work requirements will not save the state government any significant amount of money.

When a federal judge struck down the work requirements, Bevin retaliated by cutting dental and vision benefits for expansion enrollees, and when those were restored due to an uproar, he attempted to add copays to Medicaid services which also backfired. The revision for the work requirements/premium plan was processed in the CMS, and approval was granted again. Copays are expected to be implemented in January 2019, and premiums/work requirements will begin to be phased in April of that year.

The Kentucky ruling has not impacted other states where Medicaid work requirements have been approved by the Trump Administration.

High-tech antiterrars[edit]

Kentucky's Office of Homeland Security has the important duty of "stressing the dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the Commonwealth"[7][8] And here we thought the US military, national guard, and police handled that, silly us. It must have worked, as Caintuck has not yet been invaded by the terrars. Non-Christians are glad that the department hasn't taken that requirement very seriously.

Rural poverty[edit]

One of the most commonly overlooked features of Kentucky (although immortalized in folk songs such as "Which Side Are You On") is its status as one of the last bastions of abject white poverty. The Appalachian region of East Kentucky in particular is possibly the poorest area in the country, with life expectancy figures more similar to the Third World than the United States. As a result, Kentucky's coal mining region was once a center of the workers' struggle, and afterwards was used by Lyndon Johnson as a poster child during his "War on Poverty" campaign.

Since then, however, politicians on the left have increasingly forsaken the Kentuckians (viewing them as less worthy of attention than poor people of color) while right-wing politicians have exploited their racism in order to turn them against the Democratic Party (while simultaneously doing nothing whatsoever to break the cycle of poverty). The result is a scene of unfortunate stagnation, isolation, and hopelessness for a once proud Appalachian people.


  • Open seven days a week, excluding Sundays!- actual sign on a Kentucky Fried Chicken store
  • We had quitters during the Revolution too! We called them Kentuckians!- George Washington's ghost to Lisa Simpson
  • Kentucky is one of those weird places where the further North you go, the further South you are, because of Indiana.
  • Putting an ice cream cone in your back pocket is a criminal offense. This is to prevent rampant horse theft.
  • Kentucky barbecue, particularly west Kentucky's, is notable for using mutton instead of beef or pork
  • Loved the 27th Amendment to the US constitution so much, they signed it twice [note 4]

Kentuckites of note[edit]

  • Abraham Lincoln (and Jefferson Davis, oops; in fact, Davis was born "just 100 miles from and eight months earlier"[9] than Lincoln)
  • Jim BunningWikipedia — Mean-spirited hard ass. Three days before the vote and Dan Mongiardo (D) was up in the polls, until Bunning called him a sissy faggot. Seemed like that was enough to turn the tide for Bunning.
  • Mitch McConnell — Damn, they aren't cheap whores, that's for sure. And Mitch is the greediest little piggy of them all.
  • Rand Paul — Fiscal responsibility, ahhahahahahahaha! Washington outsider, hohohohohahahahaha! Stands on, hahaha, his principles ohhahahahahaha!!! Make it stop, can't breathe
  • Hunter S. Thompson came from Kentucky, so at least it's got something going for it.
  • The Judd Family (Naomi, Ashley, and Wynonna). Thank you, Rand, for illustrating Ashley's point: a wealthy actress who spends half the year in Scotland still more closely represents Kentucky than you do.[10]
  • Staffers of the Creation Museum
  • Kim Davis, the worst kind of evangelical. She has a child out of wedlock, marries four times, violates her oath of office, and writes of ‘furious, fist-pounding homosexual men’ in her book.[11]
  • Louis Brandeis, one of the better members of the SCOTUS
  • Muhammed Ali, a pioneer in beating people up
  • Jennifer Lawrence, as anyone from Kentucky will insist on reminding you
  • Johnny Depp, as anyone from Kentucky will insist on reminding you not any more
  • George Clooney, whose uncle ran for Congress
  • Tom Cruise (only really for a year or so of high school)



  1. Of course, the main religion in KY is actually college basketball
  2. More grown in KY than California
  3. However, it's worth noting that, even though the state government and most Kentuckians of the day were pro-Union, there were some Confederate sympathizers who formed their own government in exileWikipedia that was recognized by the Confederacy.
  4. There were originally twelve proposed amendments to the US constitution. When Kentucky joined, they ratified all 12, but only 10 of them received enough to become the Bill of Rights. Eventually, one of the remaining two proposed amendments did become the 27th amendment, but people had forgotten that Kentucky had already ratified it, therefore the US constitution doesn't exist resulting in a curiosity


  1. Borowitz, Andy, "Rand Paul No Longer Most Embarrassing Thing About Kentucky", The New Yorker 11.4.15.
  2. Neo-Nazi rally in Pikeville, KY.
  3. Ham, "Taking the Rainbow Back!", Answers in Genesis 20 December 2016.
  4. Ham, "Economic benefits of Ark Park unfairly downplayed", Lexington Herald-Reader (9 June 2017 6:15 PM ). "...tremendous economic benefits..." So, the Trump school of Economics. Just use big words instead of numbers.
  5. Blackford, Linda, "Town expected flood of business after Noah’s Ark opened. So far, it’s a trickle.", Lexington Herald-Reader (2 June 2017, 12:21 PM ).
  6. Bill Nye AmA
  7. "Anti-Terror Law Requires God Be acknowledged" Lexington Herald-Leader. November 28, 2008
  8. "Court upholds Kentucky law requiring reliance on 'Almighty God' for security" Lexington Herald-Leader. October 29, 2011
  10. "Ashley Judd Should Run for Office in Scotland, amirite?"