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Fun:Colorado

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Colorado, where the earth threw up

Colorado is the "highest" state in the United States. It was founded in 1984 by Ted Haggard and James Dobson in 1861 as a U.S. territory, and became a state in 1876. Colorado is distinctive for once being highly conservative, but is now much more liberal, perhaps due to all the Californian immigrants. It was the first state to legalize recreational cannabis, and is now the first state to let its citizens choose whether or not they want single payer healthcare, in the November, 2016, election.[1] These political poles are exemplified by two Front Range cities: Boulder and Colorado Springs.

Origin[edit]

The word "Colorado" is a corruption of a Native American tribal language meaning "White man come here to snowboard on weekend."[citation NOT needed] It was founded on 50-50 land.[2] It was granted statehood in 1876, giving the state its nickname "The Centennial State", which won out over the "Goddamn, those mountains are high"[3] state.

Culture[edit]

Colorado has no culture, period. When people say to a Coloradoan, "bring me something traditional, or emblematic of your state", a Coloradoan will quiver in fear. Other than some "Cowboys and Indians" which aren't really that influential in the state, and lots of mining, there isn't much.

There are no distinctly "Coloradoan" restaurants to speak of, and no real "traditional food" unless you want to try some buffalo, rattlesnake, or Rocky Mountain Oysters—but those are far from traditional dishes. There's no "Denver style pizza" or "Rocky Mountain Chili" or a Pikes Peak Hotdog. Instead, you get watered down versions of New York or Chicago style pizza, which anyone from NY or Chicago cringes at. There is a Denver omelet, but rumor has it, it was actually invented in California. The closest anyone has tried are the "Mountain pies" ("Colorado Style Pizza") served at the BeauJo's located around the Front Range. Drinks are served in Ball jars, and the dessert is the extra-doughy pizza crust (sweetened by application of honey kept at every table)—but every time one user goes there, he finds a hair in the sauce.

Colorado does, however, brew a tremendous amount of beer, both in large quantities (Coors, Budweiser) and in small batches (one could include megabytes worth of data here about the different microbreweries and brew pubs in the state).

On the cocktail side, the "Colorado Bulldog", which is simply a White Russian with a splash of cola, was probably invented in Russia. No one in Colorado drinks it.[4] Add whipped cream and Galliano, and you have a "Root Beer Float".

Residents of Colorado tend to be divided into three groups: "natives" (people born in the state), "transplants" (people who moved to the state and loved it, never wanting to return to whatever shithole-of-a-state they came from) and "fucking Texans with their God-damned Winnebagos going 20 MPH under the speed limit in the left lane!"

Boulder[edit]

Boulder is a city in Colorado, home to the main campus of the University of Colorado and Mork and Mindy, and one of the most liberal cities in the world United States.

Boulder often has a distinction as being extremely gay friendly. They have had bans on sexual orientation discrimination since 1974. In 2008, Jared Polis, whose district includes Boulder, was elected to Congress as the first openly gay parent to serve.

Boulder is a very socialist and green city, which tends to lead the state (and sometimes the nation) in adopting new environmental laws. You can actually call Boulder "The People's Republic of Boulder" or "10 miles surrounded by reality" and they won't get offended. Boulder is wealthy city, with high taxes and cost of living, compared to most of Colorado, due in part to limits on new development. Which helps the city lead rankings for happiness, fitness, good food, and adoration of prairie dogs.

Boulder has been ranked as the most educated city in the United States for several years running.[5] Given the number of government scientists and the University of Colorado being its most central feature, this is not surprising—until you take into account the amount of New Age and Mysticism (as well as many forms of hippy-inspired woo) that many people like to indulge in. There are enough alties in Boulder to feature many yoga studios, a Shinto dating page on eHarmony[6], and a Buddhist university, Naropa.[7]

The local CU Buffaloes (The Buffs) football team is also there when people need an excuse to watch a game and drink. Many students seem to find a game as an excuse to riot, no matter how their team does, so drinking had been curtailed until recent years. Only "3.2" beer was sold at the Buffs football games until 1996. (This was after head evangelist/coach Bill McCartney's tenure.) Now fans can at least drink when the Buff's show their general ineptitude at running the ball across the field.

Another favorite pastime at CU Boulder is the 420 smoke out.[8] The campus has attempted to stop this after 8-15,000 people showed up in 2011, as no one who showed up could quite remember the day very well, which hasn't stopped a number of people from trying anyways. This has been moved outside the Capital in Denver.

Colorado Springs[edit]

Colorado Springs is a city in Colorado. In contrast to Boulder, it seems to be the conservative Christian capital of the Rocky Mountains United States.

It contains many mega churches and well-known Christian organizations like Focus on the Family and The Navigators. At current count there are 81 similar Christian organizations' headquarters in the area leading it to be called "The Christian Mecca"...but don't say this. There are also notable pastors like James Dobson and conservative pundit Michelle Malkin currently residing in the area. Ted Haggard was a well-known pastor in the area before his rather public implosion.

Colorado Springs also has a significant military presence including Fort Carson, Peterson Air Force Base, Schriever Air Force Base, the Air Force Academy, and NORAD/Cheyenne Mountain Air Defense Command close by. If you ever get the chance, a visit to the Air Force Chapel is amazing.

Birth control[edit]

Free contraception has been provided to Colorado teenagers causing a dramatic decline in unwanted teen pregnancies.[9]

Claims to fame[edit]

The state is mostly a wasteland of gold prospectors, New Agers, mountains, and Radio Station WWV which rocks harder than Metal Machine Music and will give you the bends if you listen to it for more than 30 minutes. Colorado has long been in running competition with West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Montana, and Nevada for the state with the highest ratio of tommyknockers to humans.

The city of Deer Trail claims to be the home of the world's first rodeo.[10] It's also quite possible that Deer Trail has the world's ugliest website.[11]

The Colorado beetle is a serious pest of potatoes.

Colorado once (quite recently in fact, 1975–1987) had a governor who proclaimed the elderly and terminally ill have a duty to die.[12]

Medical marijuana was legalized in 2000 in the state of Colorado. In 2012, recreational use of marijuana was legalized in Colorado and in Washington. (Wyoming legalized the state lottery. Yeehaw!)

Colorado's delegates to the 2016 GOP convention tried to block Donald Trump's nomination, which will probably get them deported to Mexico. [citation NOT needed]

Sports[edit]

Mountain goats are hunted for sport in Colorado.[13]

Colorado is represented by many sports teams, but only four really count for anything:

The Colorado Rockies, in baseball, made it all the way to the World Series in 2007, before being swept by the Boston Red Sox. Both they and their host city, much like St. Louis and the Cardinals three years previously, were gracious and sportsmanlike hosts. This sort of behavior is typical of the Midwest, while quite rare in East Coast cities like Boston or New York.

In football (soccer), they are represented by the Colorado Rapids. This is a group that has never had a decent season and probably never will. Ridiculously cheap tickets are constantly promoted on TV, but no one cares. Few people would ever admit to being to a game even if they did buy some.

In football (football) the team is the Denver Broncos, a team known for many years as one to choke in the big game. That all changed when the Patron Saint of Denver, John Elway, led the team to back to back championships in the 90's. In accordance to the sacred reverence due his name, blaspheming the name Elway is punishable by mob justice and instant crucifixion on the 16th Street Mall (a walking mall in the area).[14] Belittling Tim Tebow, however, was not considered hate speech, and now that he has moved on, he is fair game. Peyton "The Redeemer" Manning does not have quite the exalted status as Elway, but kneeling and bowing one's head is customary. After another Super Bowl victory in 2016, it might as well have been a holiday for the absurd number of absent students from school.[15]

The state basketball team is known as the Denver Nuggets, in honor of the huge amounts of gold bite sized chicken eaten by residents in any calendar year. They aren't good.

The most successful team is the Colorado Avalanche hockey team, the first team to bring the state of Colorado a major championship and winning the Stanley Cup on several occasions and seemingly giving the cold fair weather fans of Denver a team that can be counted on. But after 10 years, and the retirement of Forseberg, Sakic and Roy, they too have become rather mediocre.

Most locals with any sense just ignore the big sports and go skiing or hiking.

Geometry[edit]

When viewed from above, Colorado is a simple rectangle. However, when viewed from the side, one half is dead flat and the other is really bumpy.

Famous people not from Colorado[edit]

  • John Denver was not from Colorado although he wanted you to believe he was. See also West Virginia for another example of this liberal deceit on the part of John Denver.
  • C.W. McCall also pretended to be from Colorado but was actually from Iowa. He did later relocate and get himself elected mayor of Ouray, Colorado.
  • Richard "Duty to Die" Lamm was from Madison, Wisconsin.

Footnotes[edit]