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Conservapedia:Conservative parables

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Wigocp.svg This Conservapedia-related article is of largely historical interest and is no longer the focus of RationalWiki today.
Conservapedia (and religious fundamentalism to an extent) was a major focal point in the early history of RationalWiki, but long ago ceased coming up with new ways to appall and amuse.
Our energies are now spent debunking other, fresher examples of pseudoscientific claims, authoritarianism, and deceit.
For RationalWiki's less ancient content, try the Best of RationalWiki.
Trus me
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In-depth analysis
Icon fun.svg For those of you in the mood, RationalWiki has a fun article about Conservative Parabolas.

Andy's quaint little bedtime stories, also known as Conservative parables, are a part of Andy's attempt to remove Liberal bias from the bible. When the King Andy Bible is released based on his new official translation of the bible all the old Liberal stories will be replaced with good Conservative ones. The only problem is the stories Jesus told in the older translations had a clear moral, on the other hand Conservative parables are a little more open for debate. So here users can place their own interpretation on the meaning of these stories.

Biblical historians have found that formerly unknown Gnostic Gospels exist of the conservative parables. These have been rejected by mainstream Conservapedians.

Unfortunately due to a fire at the Library of Alexandyrear (get it, Alexandria, Alex-Andy-Rear) on the 4th of September 2008, the original manuscripts (the diff links) have been lost. RationalWiki also appears now to be the only place that houses a copy of the Gnostic Gospels.

The Desperate Smoker[edit]

Plot Summary: A person behind the customer being served doesn't give him the change he needs to buy a packet of cigarettes.

The Desperate Smoker - Possible moral[edit]

  • Charity is immoral. --Kels 09:25, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Alternate moral "They'll only use it for something bad" is a good excuse to get out of parting with one thin dime. --Kels 09:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives are as charitable as anyone, they just don't like to spend any of their own money doing it. Jollyfish.gifGenghispillaging 10:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Only when someone is at your mercy can you then impose your views upon them. 3.14159 02:46, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Avoid convenience stores that don't have a "pennies for everyone" tray. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • "This actually happened" is an adequate citation footnote on Conservapedia. weaseLOIdbite me 14:58, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Don't panhandle for cigarettes. EVDebs 23:24, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives think smokers don't know how silly and unhealthy their addictive habit is.--DamoHi 07:53, 3 October 2008 (EDT)

The Missing Child[edit]

Plot Summary: Delinquent child doesn't come home from school on time, when mother finds said child they say something pithy.[1]

The Missing Child - Possible moral[edit]

  • Paranoid women have a very bad time being mothers (the child was, apparently, only 15 minutes late, but the mother was 'beside herself with anxiety' and 'afraid to leave the house in case the child returns, and desperate to go look for her' and also 'on the verge of telephoning the police'). Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • There is absolutely no moral in this story. None whatsoever. <font=""; face="Comic Sans MS">Jellyfish!Hysterical and useless 11:37, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • You don't have to comfort your neighbors because your idiot children will do it for you. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Why is a little girl walking home from school? --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* Get to the bunker 00:31, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Point shmoint. Brainless glurge is its own moral. EVDebs 23:34, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Eh... um... sometimes people aren't where you think they are, and it confuses people? --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)
  • Conservatives don't teach children how to use a phone. --ʤɱ netlabelist 18:28, 5 January 2012 (UTC)

The Fasting Woman[edit]

Plot Summary: Woman who hasn't had enough to eat and is tired shoots fellow gun owner with a largely defensive weapon of gun

The Fasting Woman - Possible moral[edit]

  • Fasting makes you forget the Ten Commandments ('thou shalt not kill'). Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Always carry a concealed handgun to church. Jollyfish.gifGenghispillaging 11:29, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Why the hell was she fasting? And what did that have to do with the gun? Ummm...Don't force your religion on others and they won't shoot up your church? --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* Get to the bunker 00:03, 30 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Largely defensive weapons of gun work best when you're delirious with hunger. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Who cares about training and expertise? God will provide. Especially if you're a security professional with a background in firearms training. EVDebs 23:32, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives are everywhere. They may be undernourished, but they've got guns in their bags. Fear them. --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)
  • Jesus was obviously the anti-American lib-burr-rul sort, because he said, "But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall shoot smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." (St. Matthew 5:39) Mjollnir.svgListenerXTalkerX 22:05, 6 April 2009 (EDT)
  • Satan, on the other hand, was a red-blooded patriot like this plucky lady, because his philosophy is, "And if a man smite you on one cheek, smash him on the other! — smite him hip and thigh, for self preservation is the highest law!" (Satan 3:7) Mjollnir.svgListenerXTalkerX 22:05, 6 April 2009 (EDT)
  • All true conservatives are hungry and armed. --4perf 06:30, 15 November 2009 (UTC)
  • Don't mess with a hungry and armed woman, especially one that's red in the neck. — Unsigned, by: / talk / contribs
  • It turns out she was the shooter all along, delusional after starvation. WHAT A TWIST! Aphoxema (talk) 16:55, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • No good ever comes from attending church --Thunderstruck (talk) 01:27, 22 October 2010 (UTC)

The Troubled Pregnancy[edit]

Plot Summary: Sick woman gives birth to a sick child who grows up to win the Heisman trophy.

The Troubled Pregnancy - Possible moral[edit]

  • If you want your child to be a good footballer think about aborting it.3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
    • Also, despite Andy's claim to the contrary, the abortion and the fact he was homeschooled are mentioned in his Wikipedia biography. 3.14159 09:09, 25 November 2008 (EST)
  • Abortion is always wrong because it's sometimes wrong. <font=""; face="Comic Sans MS">Jellyfish!Hysterical and useless 11:37, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • If you decide against abortion and your child ends up severely disabled rather than growing up to be a Heisman trophy winner it's because you're a bad person and God hates you. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Sometimes selfish zealots get lucky. EVDebs 23:33, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Everything always goes right for conservatives. (talk) 06:44, 27 December 2009 (UTC)
  • Stopped clock fallacy. CrundyTalk nerdy to me 08:32, 22 June 2010 (UTC)
  • It's perfectly okay to call "stillborn" a disability. Imarcuson (talk) 20:07, 22 July 2010 (UTC)
  • Go against the odds because it will always win you the jackpot (arguable in the case of a football player) Aphoxema (talk) 17:53, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Whoop-dee-do, he still plays for the Broncos...--Thunderstruck (talk) 01:29, 22 October 2010 (UTC)

The Lost $40[edit]

Plot Summary: Bloke loses 40 bucks and after a while rationalises losing his money.

The Lost $40 - Possible moral[edit]

  • With enough badgering you can make people agree with you that 6x8=40 3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • If you're poor enough that losing $40 matters significantly to you, JUST WORK HARDER, BITCH!!!! Zmidponk 10:12, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Andy needs to fix the hole in his pocket. <font=""; face="Comic Sans MS">Jellyfish!Hysterical and useless 11:37, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Never ever give money to your children. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Don't give anything to anybody, because they'll only go & lose it. Make them work for it instead. weaseLOIdbite me 14:32, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Time is fungible and anyone who isn't on the clock is slacking. EVDebs 23:37, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Don't leave your money sitting in the open, this isn't Sesame Street. Aphoxema (talk) 17:54, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Let your emotions be driven by cost–benefit analysis. --ʤɱ netlabelist 18:31, 5 January 2012 (UTC)
  • Umm...conservatives are bad at math? And economics, since they overestimate the minimum wage and the difficulty of finding a job at the drop of a hat.EarthPhantomTS (talk) 01:34, 4 March 2014 (UTC)

The Flop[edit]

Plot Summary: Athlete having trouble with a new high jump method everyone else is using, makes an adjustment to an old one and wins himself an Olympic gold medal, everyone begins to copy him.

The Flop - Possible moral[edit]

  • Um. Sometimes people are wrong? <font=""; face="Comic Sans MS">Jellyfish!Hysterical and useless 07:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Accept new ideas that are proven to be true. Like evolution and the Big Bang. Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Andy can read into his sources anything he wants to squeeze his world view into a story. 3.14159 02:42, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
  • The more you're mocked the more Andy pretends to care. Barikada 15:20, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • The human body has been designed by God to jump backwards over high bars. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Stick to your ideas, no matter how stupid everyone else thinks they are. weaseLOIdbite me 14:38, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • To be lame: your center of gravity never need clear the bar, as long as your ass does. Har har, or "pass the bar" har har. ħumanUser talk:Human 05:15, 22 September 2010 (UTC)

The Difficult Science Problem[edit]

Plot Summary: Stupid kid finds answer in the back of the book.

The Difficult Science Problem - Possible moral[edit]

  • The true conservative way is not to think for yourself but find everything on Conservapedia. 3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Wrong, 3.14. The moral of this story is "Scientists don't listen to the truth, so if a given idea is ignored by the scientific community, it must be right". <font=""; face="Comic Sans MS">Jellyfish!Hysterical and useless 07:26, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • If you can't work out the answer for yourself, look it up in a book and claim it was your work. Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • "Open book" tests are a bad idea. ħumanUser talk:Human 23:37, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
  • When dealing with the most difficult problem of the year, you should always listen to the student who has been incapable of handling any prior assignments. Thinking for yourself is overrated, anyway. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Take the biggest fucktard in the class, follow him blindly, and hope to god it works. --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* Get to the bunker 00:20, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Cookbook answers aren't plagiarism. EVDebs 23:22, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • If you want to convince others, cite your sources. PhillipA (talk) 00:30, 3 March 2010 (UTC)
  • The teacher failed to educate his students and it required a little creative thinking for one student to realize he was missing key information. This parable actually happens and it's a damned tragedy for Academia. Aphoxema (talk) 18:00, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • When in doubt...cheat. Seriously, that's what that kid did!--Sensual Endeavor, the sexy pony ;) (talk) 23:14, 8 June 2014 (UTC)

The Wall[edit]

Plot Summary: Ronald Reagan wants a wall to fall down, he waits a while and it happens.

The Wall - Possible moral[edit]

  • Make sure you say something that is inevitable loudest so you look right when it happens. 3.14159 06:57, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Reagan smash! --Edgerunner76Save me Jebus! 09:22, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Always claim credit for making something happen, based purely on the fact you said it should happen a considerable time previously, even if you had absolutely no involvement in making it happen. Zmidponk 10:10, 4 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Enough people screaming your praises simultaneously will drown dissent. --λινυσ() 23:17, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Ronald Reagan was a Pink Floyd fan. ħumanUser talk:Human 23:44, 29 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Ronald Reagan's prophecy was second in importance only to Isaiah. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Reagan won the cold war with rhetoric alone, and all this crap about destabilizing governments who wouldn't bend over for us and then using the arms race to run the USSR into the poorhouse while it was dying on the vine anyway doesn't matter. (Not that it didn't happen. It just isn't important.) EVDebs 23:27, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • All those Germans in former East Germany who praise and adore Gorbatschow for tearing down the Berlin wall are all retards, because people living thousands of miles away from it know what actually happened. --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 03:32, 21 June 2010 (UTC)


Plot Summary: A child who wants to be a visionary president is hampered by Andy's own cynicism.

Welfare - Possible moral[edit]

  • Andy can win arguments (against a child) by using Last Wordism. 3.14159 21:26, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
  • The poor can't afford dignity. --Kels 21:39, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Children, being trusting, are easily inveigled. Take advantage of this frequently. --λινυσ() 23:15, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Not having to care for others makes for a good political party advertisement. NightFlareStill doesn't have a RWW article. 23:22, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Be sure to crush the naive dreams and noble goals of an optimistic child early in their youth to better turn them to the dark side Republican party. --Arcan ¡ollǝɥ 00:57, 13 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Don't play in the grass out back of Andy's house. It's filthy. ħumanUser talk:Human
  • Also: Child labor is the solution to the problem of homelessness. ħumanUser talk:Human 23:39, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
  • No one, under any circumstances, ever needs help from the government. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives think you can build a house with 5 bucks. --*Gen. S.T. Shrink* Get to the bunker 00:11, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Remember, kids, charity is for chumps. Resort to exploitation instead so you get an ROI. EVDebs 23:25, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • The Republican Party is for lazy people who don't want to work. PhillipA (talk) 00:33, 3 March 2010 (UTC)
  • Conservatives will willingly misrepresent socialism in order to convince children that it is wrong. --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 03:37, 21 June 2010 (UTC)
  • Children should work to support themselves, rather than live off their parents like socialists. --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 03:37, 21 June 2010 (UTC)
  • Picking up shit for a living is a good way to stop being homeless. Aphoxema (talk) 18:04, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • 5 Bucks to clean dog crap? Damn Andy's cheep...--Thunderstruck (talk) 01:37, 22 October 2010 (UTC)
  • Andy doesn't understand why the homeless are homeless. --ʤɱ pirate 18:37, 5 January 2012 (UTC)

The Drowning Man[edit]

Plot Summary: A drowning man has the misfortune of encountering two party hacks.[1]

The Drowning Man - Possible moral[edit]

  • Liberals have the ability to hold both ends of a rope simultaneously, through evil powers brought about by their belief in relativity and high dimensions. Be careful. --λινυσ() 23:22, 12 June 2008 (EDT)
  • I like Linus' other suggestion; "A conservative is more fabulous than a liberal by virtue of being cheap." 3.14159 02:33, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives have a tendency to give too little and stipulate the receiver be responsable for the rest, whereas Liberals have a tendency to give too much without effective regulation or management. UchihaKATON! 01:23, 13 June 2008 (EDT)
    • You realize you're not supposed to answer them sensibly, right, Uchiha? Star of David.png Radioactive afikomen Please ignore all my awful pre-2014 comments. 02:52, 14 June 2008 (EDT)
      • Oops... :D
I was sort of thinking that one would probably be removed fairly soon anyway. UchihaKATON! 23:08, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
  • I'd rather be rescued by a guy with too much rope than too little. Oh, wait, that was sensible... no it wasn't, because the libtard threw the whole rope in after me, didn't he? ħumanUser talk:Human
  • If you need fifty feet of rope, call this guy. He still has it. ħumanUser talk:Human 23:42, 16 June 2008 (EDT)
  • Don't go swimming with Andy.
  • Neither Conservatives nor Liberals understand what the hell emergency services are for. Barikada 15:25, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Andy is incapble of recognizing parody. Stile4aly 15:28, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Andy has a sense of humour. Sometimes. Rarely. — Pietrow 16:10, 30 June 2010 (UTC)
  • The liberal lets go of the ends - but holds the middle of the rope thereby demonstrating that conservatives only see what they want to see.
  • Conservatives are bastards and liberals are morons. (Seriously, if this was supposed to make some sort of positive point about conservatism, it fails miserably.) EVDebs 23:29, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Posting a really funny joke as the most profound wisdom you've thought of is often a good first step out of idiocy. (Shame Andy hasn't taken this as a routine.) --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)
  • Conservatives will keep a joke that makes them out to be assholes as long as they think it makes the liberal look worse. Seriously, this parable makes Conservatives look HORRIBLE, how can this not have been reverted and blocked?! --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 03:42, 21 June 2010 (UTC)
  • Liberals and Conservatives are both useless, you'd never have this problem with Marxists?Raging (talk) 23:38, 6 July 2010 (UTC)
  • It's better to tell political jokes about superhuman strength of throwing a rope a hundred feet instead of saving the life of a fellow human by swimming out with something buoyant. Aphoxema (talk) 18:07, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Always carry 50ft of rope when swiming--Thunderstruck (talk) 01:40, 22 October 2010 (UTC)
  • If you're ever drowning, pray for a moderate/Centrist with 100 feet of rope--Sensual Endeavor, the sexy pony ;) (talk) 23:01, 8 June 2014 (UTC)

The University Assignment[edit]

Plot Summary: A student gets a bad grade, so he annoys a lot of people until it is changed and then writes about it on Conservapedia.

The University Assignment - Possible moral[edit]

  • Don't use Conservapedia as a reference. 03:26, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • CollegeRepublican is struggling at Harvard but the hint of a nice bequest from Grandma saves the day. Jollyfish.gifGenghispillaging 12:56, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Being loud and irritating is better than being right.Shangrala 13:02, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Anyone who disagrees with a conservative is wrong, and you just have to whine long enough to get someone else to realize this. Stile4aly 15:12, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • No matter what you believe, someone on the internet agrees with you. Whine and complain until your teachers do, too. Barikada 15:16, 7 July 2008 (EDT)
  • Department chairs will do anything to get whiny undergrads out of their office.PFoster 00:58, 8 July 2008 (EDT)
    • I remember being told "Get out you whiny undergrad and come back when you are whiny postgrad".Teleportguy (talk) 14:23, 25 July 2015 (UTC)
  • I wrote this under the guise of JJacob, it earned me blocked rights, I blocked Aschlafly. Ace McWickedwhisky 23:22, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Accusations of liberal bias may help underachieving conservative students screw the system. Also "petioned" is a word, apparently. weaseLOIdbite me 14:50, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Don't study politics - study natural or mathematical sciences, because they have less room for interpretation by political-minded lecturers. How about biology or physics? --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)
  • "If things don't go your way complain untill your dreams come true." Bill Clinton. (talk) 10:10, 27 December 2009 (UTC)

The Conservative Conference[edit]

Plot Summary: A bunch of conservatives laugh in the face of danger and fly a week after 9/11.

The Conservative Conference - Possible moral[edit]

  • Andy is the most courageous man in the world as he flew in an airplane which was checked to government safety standards. 22:47, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives recognize that if everyone else is scared of terrorists then they can manipulate that fear to their own benefit. Stile4aly 23:15, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservative types should just ignore things like 9/11 and not let them affect their lives at all. weaseLOIdbite me 14:55, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Fearmongers never believe their own press. EVDebs 23:35, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • Fearmongers sure look dumb when they have to say "Look, I did what I warned you about, and I wasn't killed by terrorists after all!", but since they are conservatives, they are to be praised for their courage of coming out and saying it! --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)
  • The phrase "Post 9/11 World" is clearly bullshit. Mr. Swift (talk) 01:14, 10 May 2010 (UTC)
  • Conservative faithful sometimes prefer to attend a conference rather than hijack a plane and fly it in to a building. Concernedresident omg!!! ponies!!! 22:38, 22 July 2010 (UTC)
  • Conservatives won't let cavity searches, racial profiling and taking off their shoes get in the way of a good ol' hootenanny. Aphoxema (talk) 18:11, 20 September 2010 (UTC)

The Atheist and the Believer[edit]

Plot Summary: A short (possibly truncated) conversation end with a believer saying something that is allegedly witty.[1]

The Atheist and the Believer - Possible moral[edit]

  • Always get the last word in and if they try to say something "Banhammer". 22:50, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Andy has no concept of how any belief systems other than his own are formed. Stile4aly 23:15, 15 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Whoever has the most beliefs wins! Antifly 14:34, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • It's OK to not understand things properly but still believe them unquestioningly. weaseLOIdbite me 14:56, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Conservatives have a twisted superior sense of humor, which Liberals just don't get. (Editor at) CP:no intelligence allowed 18:46, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Quisquis Yoda dictum, altum videtur. EVDebs 01:57, 5 October 2008 (EDT)
  • Zen koans are meant to provoke a deep profound understandings of the nature of all things. Andymentalist Christian koans are meant to provoke a deep sense of understanding of "that atheist guy is being made lame and cheap fun of, and I'm supposed to sympathise with the Christian guy, even if his insight isn't exactly profound." --wwwwolf (barks/growls) 17:25, 27 November 2008 (EST)
  • Christians can make shockingly obvious statements that are supposed to seem profound. Yeah, my beliefs are very small... I'm proud that I don't believe in fairies, trolls, gnomes, elves, dwarves, chimera, hobbits, orcs... (in so far as those terms have not been repurposed to refer to biologic variation.) --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 03:49, 21 June 2010 (UTC)
  • I don't believe in gravity and now i'm floating.Teleportguy (talk) 14:27, 25 July 2015 (UTC)

The Convert[edit]

Plot Summary: A young disabled child goes to university a fairly normal Lefty student, mellows with age, and wins the Nobel Prize for Economics for a theory that requires assumptions that may not be true under real world conditions[2][3].

The Convert - Possible moral[edit]

  • Theoretical results that agree with Andy's world view are only attacked by liberals. 18:33, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Being awarded the Nobel Prize is actually a diss. DickTurpis 18:36, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Math is absolutely useless to economics. --US-O11 insignia.svg Gen. S.T. Shrink Now where did I put that Boeing.. 18:55, 17 August 2008 (EDT)
  • The "Nobel prize in economics" isn't a real Nobel prize, anyway, so STFU. ħumanUser talk:Human 02:29, 18 August 2008 (EDT)
  • JPANDS is evidently the world's foremost economic journal. Stile4aly 18:42, 25 August 2008 (EDT)
  • Who cares about facts when we've got echo chambers? EVDebs 23:20, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
  • A guy can be well employed by the liberal academia, become editor of an influential journal in his field, yet still somehow not get the recognition that he deserves... oh wait. --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 04:08, 21 June 2010 (UTC)

The Little Red Hen - Ronald Reagan Version[edit]

Plot Summary: Reagan tells a version of the Little Red Hen making it even more obvious in case you were too stupid to get the point as a child.

The Little Red Hen - Possible moral[edit]

  • Mass starvation is the solution to high taxation. 06:47, 8 January 2009 (EST)
  • All the animals, whether diligent rich or idle poor, ended up at the slaughter house making them wish they'd done more with their lives than just baking bread. --JeevesMkII 07:15, 8 January 2009 (EST)
  • Always cut off your nose to spite your face. Stile4aly 15:42, 13 January 2009 (EST)
  • Conservatives are little red hens that like fresh bread. Aphoxema (talk) 18:15, 20 September 2010 (UTC)


Plot Summary: Actually this is the dog shit story again, but the girl is now in college.

Socialism - Possible moral[edit]

  • Under socialism, everyone gets a B. Hey, that's not too shabby, is it? – Nick Heer 05:23, 21 June 2010 (UTC)
  • This story stops short of the ending where; the girl explains the difference between what the father proposes and socialism, the father doesn't listen, gets in a huff about his daughter talking back to him, and then goes into his den to puts the part of the story he likes up on Conservapedia. - 06:22, 22 June 2010 (UTC)
  • Screwing off in school is exactly like being disabled/retired/between jobs. Father always knows best even though the professor eats, breaths and shits Academia and is probably old enough to be the daughter's father. GPA is a currency and/or money is an earned status. All college kids think they bat for the lib'ruls. A single argument can change a person's mind about something they've studied for weeks. Aphoxema (talk) 20:47, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Divested risk is socialism. Colonel of Squirrels你有两头母牛。他们是删掉了。 03:55, 22 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Doughter-"Yes right, I inherited my grade from you and having good grade makes it easy for me to improve".Teleportguy (talk) 14:35, 25 July 2015 (UTC)


Plot Summary: Reagan makes a joke.[1]

Communism - Possible moral[edit]

  • The entirety of the Communist philosophy was based on reading a couple books and not on the plight of the proletariat, a great portion of which were illiterate. Aphoxema (talk) 20:53, 20 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Fuck Engels. -- (talk) 17:50, 5 January 2012 (UTC)

The Story of Two Psychiatrists[edit]

Plot Summary: Reagan explains how his presidential term is like a psychiatrist who doesn't give a shit.

Two Psychiatrists - Possible moral[edit]

  • Reagan had a better sense of humor than TK=*Not doing the job you're being paid for and ignoring unpleasant aspects of reality will increase your happiness. Röstigraben (talk) 07:12, 22 June 2010 (UTC)
  • Reagan detested accountability...wait, isn't that allegedly a "liberal" trait?--Sensual Endeavor, the sexy pony ;) (talk) 23:06, 8 June 2014 (UTC)
  • If it makes you happy, ignore your job and responsibilities and there will be no consequences. --Whyhow (talk) 08:49, 18 June 2014 (UTC)

The Fly Ball[edit]

Plot Summary: A girl with cerebral palsy makes a catch during a softball game.

The Fly Ball - Possible moral[edit]


Plot Summary: US senator visiting a country is told not to step in cow shit.[1]

Umgawa - Possible moral[edit]

Socialism in the classroom[edit]

Plot Summary: A economics lecturer flouts examination procedures, and possibly university bylaws, to demonstrate his lack of understanding of socialism.

Socialism in the classroom - Possible moral[edit]

  • Conservative professors will naturally distort the meaning of socialism, and abuse mathematics in order to brainwash his students into thinking that socialism is bad. For a pedantic assessment of the merits of this parable please consult my essay: "of Socialist Grading" (Spoiler alert: applying a curve to grading is socialism.) --Eira omtg! The Goat be praised. 10:48, 23 July 2010 (UTC)

The Graduate's Gift[edit]

Plot Summary: Spoilt child still gets what he wants.

The Graduate's Gift - Possible moral[edit]

  • Conservatives will make up whatever shit they want to try to make a lame point? Son doesn't talk to his father from college graduation until his dad is old enough to die? Come on. ħumanUser talk:Human 05:03, 22 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Kid is extra happy that his Dad died while the Estate Tax is expired. Even though he didn't get the sports car as a kid, at least he got everything his dad had. Materialism is the only reason to care about your parents. --Eira OMTG! The Goat be Praised. 23:00, 22 September 2010 (UTC)
  • Conservatives are idiots. Who dosn't realize theres a CAR KEY in a BOOK?--Thunderstruck (talk) 02:07, 22 October 2010 (UTC)

The Broken Bicycle[edit]

Plot Summary: A cyclist falls off his bike and the people nearby buy him a new one.

The Broken Bicycle - Possible moral[edit]

See also[edit]


  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 This is a minor parable.
  2. Just like all academic research really
  3. PhDComics - May or may not apply to reality