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Rudy Giuliani

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And my attitude about my legacy is Fuck it!
—Rudy Giuliani in 2019[1]
Conservatives all nodded when Rudy Giuliani said, “I do not believe that President Obama loves America.” As opposed to Giuliani, who happened to be mayor on 9/11, so that made him America’s Mayor, a hero whose great act of heroism was “nothing fell on his head.” To paraphrase Donald Trump, I like mayors who don't let towers collapse.
Bill Maher[2]
Truth isn’t truth.
—Giuliani defending his client, Donald Trump on NBC[3]

Rudolph "Rudy" Giuliani[4] (1944–) is a decrepit former Republican Mayor of New York City, one-time World Hero, one of the more hopeless candidates in the 2008 Presidential election, and shameless shill and ratfucker for Donald Trump. Before 9/11, he was best-known for dressing up in drag locking mafia boss John Gotti up and throwing away the key.

Like a bad case of groin rash, he resurfaces every 4 years to pontificate about America-haters.[5]


Giuliani ordinarily wouldn't have stood a chance in such a heavily Democratic city, but a combination of a sky-high crime rate and ridiculous corruption in the state Democratic Party in the early 1990s meant there was something of an appetite for change. But even then, he would likely have gone down in flames but for a ballot initiative on Staten Island secession that year; this drew an unusual number of voters from said borough (which is somewhat more Republican-leaning than the rest of the city) and led him to a narrow victory over incumbent David Dinkins.

Essentially a fiscal conservative, but socially liberal on issues such as abortion and gay rights. (Giuliani started as a Democrat, and has been a Republican only since the 1980s.) Under his stewardship, the gentrification of New York City began in earnest. While some unambiguously good things came of this, notably his breaking the nearly century-long stranglehold organized crime had on the Fulton Fish MarketWikipedia, Giuliani told his officers to ramp up use of force against vagrants, street vendors, and streetwalkers, even arresting them for jaywalking. Even the thing he gets the most universal credit for, getting the infamous squeegee men off the streets (which actually was was a significant problem on many levels), really happened months before he took office and (by his own admission) had nothing to do with him.

He wasn't well liked and, after a string of sex scandals and the unprovoked shooting of Amadou Diallo — in which NYPD officers unloaded 41 bullets on an immigrant outside his home (all four officers walked) — he knew he would never be remembered as one of the great mayors.

September 11th happened. Rudy was a media darling for a while,[6] and his book became a best-seller. Then he decided to run for President and remind everyone why they disliked him. Regrettably, his campaign was hijacked by the American Taliban, morphing him into a kind of proto-Palin. Since then, he's stopped talking sense altogether, endorsing all manner of far-right fundie nutcases.


There are only three things he says in a sentence: A noun, a verb, and 9/11.
Joe Biden

You kind of feel bad for him, because cancer took away a senate seat that should've been his. And the sad thing is, he could've been President if the election were held in the days after the WTC attacks. The proffered seat denied was what darkened Rudy's soul, and convinced him to milk 9/11 as the basis of his career.

It wasn't just the cancer that made him drop out of the senate race. He also had an affair with Judy Rankin and then publicly put his wife through the wringer in the divorce process. So...the sympathy only goes so far there.

Why he should never be president[edit]

Freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.[7][8]

This may be contrasted with Benjamin Franklin's famous quote:

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.[9]

During the 2008 campaign, Rudy wanted to use "Rudie Can't Fail" by The Clash as his theme song. A rudie is a "rude boy", Jamaican and British slang for young Jamaicans who are stereotyped as irresponsible hoodlums. "Rudie Can't Fail" is a punk-reggae song celebrating said irresponsible living.

His strategy for the election was to do nothing until Florida voted. And crowing about how he single-highhandedly saved the world on 9/11. (Continuously.) Unfortunately, that didn't work at all.[10] In fact, it ended up with Giuliani becoming one of the first candidates to drop from the race, which he did on January 30, 2008. Moral: Don't ignore Iowa, New Hampshire, Nevada, Wyoming, and South Carolina, even if they are the "flyovers."

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here[edit]

After dropping out, Giuliani endorsed McCain, possibly to try and angle for the VP slot (which didn't happen). Later, in a feeble attempt to try for both President and Vice-President, Giuliani and another also-ran decided to make trouble at the Democratic National Convention:[11] They established an on-site "war room" to grab media attention and spew nonsense about the Obama campaign. Just like their respective campaigns, this was a laughable failure.

That which is not alive cannot die[edit]

So when [Trump] first announced it, he said, "Muslim ban." He called me up. He said, "Put a commission together. Show me the right way to do it legally."

Giuliani never gives up, evidenced by the fact that it was possible to contribute to his 2008 primary bid some time after the election.[13]

Ghoulinani's name came up in speculations about Trump's pick for Attorney General, or even Secretary of State. They have Rudy on tape talking about having tricks up their sleeve and laughing maniacally, two days before the FBI letter blew Hillary Clinton's campaign out of the water.[14] In addition, Rudy has Putin connections.[15] Trump didn't appreciate Rudy almost blowing their cover and gave him the axe. "It didn't work out," said Rudy, wistfully looking at a phone which never rings.[16]

Well, at least he's not keeping Rudy on in a "cybersecurity" job — excuse me? [whispers] …what? [whispers] Oh for fuck's sake.[17][18][19]

Rudy the ratfucker[edit]

Giuliani finally wormed his way into an actual position (sort of) in the Trump Administration when it was announced in April 2018 that he would be the new lead counsel on the team representing Trump in the ongoing federal probe into Russia's election interference.[20] While working as Trump's attorney, Giuliani admitted that he has not registered as lobbyist for foreign governments, a violation of the Foreign Agent Registration Act (FARA), which can result in a 5-year prison sentence and $10,000 fine, though it is rarely prosecuted.[21] Giuliani has clients from Brazil and Colombia.[21] More alarmingly, Giuliani represents the city of Kharkiv, Ukraine, whose mayor belongs to the pro-Russia Party of Regions, as well as the Mujahideen-e-Khalq,Wikipedia which advocates the violent overthrow of the Iranian government.[21]

A whistleblower came forward in September 2019 reporting that Trump himself and through his lawyer, Giuliani, had been attempting to put Trump's personal interests before that of the United States,[22] an impeachable offense.[23] In defending the actions to get Ukraine to meddle in the 2020 US presidential election on behalf of Trump, Giuliani insinuated that the whistleblower is part of the deep state conspiracy theory.[24]

Rudy the insane insurrection inciter[edit]

In late 2020, "America's mayor", having been exposed to the Donald Trump virus, went completely insane.

  • October 5, 2020: Giuliani goes on Fox News and engages in science denialism, by ranting nonsensical, incorrect information about the science on using facial masks during the COVID-19 pandemic. (In an ironic twist, Giuliani is coughing throughout the interview.)[25]
  • October 14, 2020: The New York Post publishes a story alleging that Hunter BidenWikipedia (son of 2020 presidential candidate Joe Biden) dropped off a laptop at a Delaware computer store for repair, and that the device contained nefarious emails and photos. The repairman purportedly gave a copy of the hard drive to Giuliani, who then provided information to the Post. Upon further examination, though, the story smelled of bullshit, with Giuliani and others in the Trump circle unable to present any evidence to Giuliani's outrageous claims, such as a claim that the hard drive contained "numerous pictures of underage girls”. (Making outrageous claims with zero evidence was going to be a major motif of Giuliani in the months to come.) Media interviews with the repairman in question revealed a very nervous man, with conflicting stories and bizarre references to the Seth Rich conspiracy theory. As a result, no major media outlet or social media company gave much credibility to the story, a wise choice considering how bad the New York Post has fucked up in the pastWikipedia and how quickly Giuliani's credibility was declining. [26][27][28][29] Even longtime journalists at the New York Post wanted nothing to do with this bullshit. [30]
  • October 23, 2020: Satirist and prankster Sacha Baron CohenWikipedia releases his second film using his "Borat"Wikipedia character, Borat Subsequent MoviefilmWikipedia. The most shocking scene in the film comes when Giuliani is shown in a hotel bedroom with actress Maria BakalovaWikipedia (who played Borat's daughter Tutar in the film, and is impersonating a journalist in the scene). During the scene, Giuliani lied down on the bed and shoved his hands in his pants, with some suggesting that he might have been fondling himself.[31][32]
  • November 3, 2020: Election day for the 2020 U.S. presidential election.
  • November 7, 2020: Joe Biden wins the 2020 U.S. presidential election. [33]
  • November 7, 2020: In response, Giuliani arranges a press conference at the Four Seasons. This, unexpectedly, did not refer to a location of the Four Seasons hotel chainWikipedia. Instead, this referred to Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Northeast Philadelphia, a landscaping business in an industrial area located near a sex shop, a crematorium and a jail.[34]
  • November 14, 2020: Donald Trump puts Giuliani in charge of all election lawsuits speculating that (fanciful) massive fraud took place and that (in contrast to reality) Donald Trump should be president. [35]
  • November 19, 2020: Knowing of no rational argument that would align with Trump's demented worldview, in a news conference on November 19, Giuliani spins up a wild conspiracy theory that "votes (were) counted in Germany, and in Spain by a company owned by affiliates of Chavez and MaduroWikipedia". The conspiracy theory espoused by Giuliani refers to voting machines made by SmartmaticWikipedia, a company started by engineers born in Venezuela, but founded in Boca Raton, FloridaWikipedia in 2000. Smartmatic voting machines were only used in one county in the 2020 election (Los Angeles CountyWikipedia), making the claim seem bizarre even at face value. Giuliani then brought up that Smartmatic's chariman "is a close associate and business partner of George Soros, the biggest donor to the Democrat Party, the biggest donor to antifa and the biggest donor to Black Lives Matter." It is no secret that Smartmatic's current chairman, Lord Baron Malloch-Brown,Wikipedia is involved with Soros's Open Society FoundationsWikipedia; it is also no secret that these well trodden tropes of Soros funding Antifa and BLM, popular in conservative conspiracy land, are false. [36][37][38][39][40] As an added bonus, during the conference, Giuliani's hair dye (or some other form of makeup) melted and ran down his face, leaving many professional hairstylists aghast. [41][42]
  • November 21, 2020: Giuliani turned up in a Pennsylvania courtroom to personally argue one of his ridiculous fraud lawsuits, only to have District Judge Matthew BrannWikipedia completely eviscerate it. This is just the beginning of the Trump legal team's spectacular losing streak in court.[43]
  • November 21, 2020: An affidavit Giuliani cited during the November 19 press conference, that claimed that there were several precincts in Michigan with over-votes ("of 150%, 200%, and 300%", as Giuliani claimed), was found to be using Minnesota county names.[44]
  • December 1-2, 2020: On November 10th, a woman named Melissa Carone filed an affidavit that as a "contractor for Dominion Voting SystemsWikipedia" she "witnessed nothing but fraudulent actions take place". [45] This was enough for Giuliani to tap her as a "star witness" at a Michigan House and Michigan Senate Oversight Committees panel on Trump's baseless fraud allegations in early December. The allegations, delivered loudly in a sputtering, slapdash, conspiracy theory oriented manner, were easily deemed "not credible" by a Wayne CountyWikipedia judge two days later. [46][47] Her loud, eccentric performance went viral and earned widespread speculation on social media that she was drunk the entire hearing. [48] On December 28, 2020, Dominion Voting Systems filed a strongly worded cease and desist letter against Carone, calling her claims “outlandish” and warning her that “litigation regarding these issues is imminent.”.[49]
  • December 7, 2020: After spending more than 10 hours in a PhoenixWikipedia hotel ballroom with more than a dozen Arizona Republican lawmakers, maskless and not social distancing like one should when in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic, Giuliani is admitted to the hospital with COVID-19, causing the Arizona legislature to panic and abruptly shut down for a week. [50]
  • December 13, 2020: The tally of the gish gallop of lawsuits alleging electoral fraud by Giuliani and other Trump allies at this date: 1 win, 59 losses.[51]
  • January 6, 2021: Famously, this was the day of the amateurish attempted coup from various Donald Trump cultists. Before the attempted coup, Giuliani riled up the crowd by telling the protesters that there should be a "trial by combat" to settle the election. [52] (Could this be... insurrection?Wikipedia Joe Scarborough fucking thinks so!)[53]
  • January 8, 2021: Giuliani appears on Steve Bannon's "War Room" YouTube channel, and blames the coup he incited... on "fascists" in the "Democrat party". Since Bannon's "War Room" had been in trouble with YouTube before for advocating violence, this projecting bullshit was enough to get YouTube to permanently boot Bannon off of their platform. [54][55]
  • January 25, 2021: Dominion Voting Systems, tired of Giuliani's bullshit over their product, sued Giuliani for defamation, seeking $1.3 billion dollars in damages. [56]

According to a $1.3 billion lawsuit against Giuliani by Dominion Voting Systems, all of his conspiracist bullshit pushing was only a means to the end of selling product.[57] Giuliani has become a product 'influencer', and has been hawking gold coins, silver, nutritional supplements, cigars, a "conservative alternative" to AARP, and protection from 'cyber thieves'.[57] Yes, Mr. Kremlin wants to protect you from cyber criminals.

See also[edit]


External links[edit]


  1. A Conversation With Rudy Giuliani Over Bloody Marys at the Mark Hotel by Olivia Nuzzi (December 23, 2019) New York Magazine.
  2. New Rule: The Magic R. Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO, YouTube, 17 February 2017.
  3. Giuliani: ‘Truth isn’t truth’ by Rebecca Morin & David Cohen (08/19/2018 10:27 AM EDT; Updated 08/19/2018 12:30 PM EDT) Politico.
  4. "Biden: Rudy's Sentences Consist Of 'A Noun, A Verb, And 9/11'"HuffPo.
  5. McDermott, Maeve, "Rudy Giuliani calls Beyonce's Super Bowl performance 'attack' on cops", USA Today (8:52 a.m. EST February 9, 2016).
  6. Zajac, Andrew, "Giuliani speaking fees draw scrutiny", Chicago Tribune 2.02.07.
  7. What New Yorkers know about Rudy Giuliani that Coloradans should
  8. New York Times' transcript of speech
  9. Memoirs of the life and writings of Benjamin Franklin
  10. Elinor Shields, The woes of 'America's mayor' Giuliani. BBC News, 24 January 2008.
  11. Sullivan, Andy, "Giuliani and Romney to crash Democrats' Denver party", Reuters (8/21/08 at 1:42pm EDT)
  12. Wang, Amy B., "Trump asked for a ‘Muslim ban,’ Giuliani says — and ordered a commission to do it ‘legally’", WaPo 1.29.17.
  13. Contribute, archived from the original at
  14. Barrett, Wade, "Meet Donald Trump’s Top FBI Fanboy", Daily Beast (11/02/16 at 9:03 PM ET).
  15. Mark Landler, Eric Lipton and Jo Becker, "Rudolph Giuliani’s Business Ties Viewed as Red Flag for Secretary of State Job", NYT 11.15.16.
  16. Savransky, Rebecca, "Giuliani: Administration job 'just didn't work out'", The Hill (12/21/16 08:24 AM EST).
  17. Brennan, Christopher, "Tech experts slam vulnerable Giuliani website after he is picked to be cybersecurity czar", NY Daily News (Updated 1/13/17 at 8:07 PM).
  18. Rudy's security in a nutshell.
  19. Violet Blue, Giuliani as Trump's cybersecurity adviser is an unfunny joke. There’s a new sheriff in hacker town, and nobody takes him seriously., 20 January 2017.

    In reality, we have plenty of reasons to worry. Before Rudy Giuliani was named Donald Trump's official presidential cybersecurity adviser, the former New York City mayor had made a number of things crystal clear about his intentions toward hackers and the cybersecurity industry. For one, he'd been pretty up front about the fact that he got into cybersecurity dealmaking for the money.

  20. Robert Costa, Josh Dawsey and Rosalind S. Helderman, "Trump hires Giuliani, two other attorneys amid mounting legal turmoil over Russia", Washington Post, April 19, 2018
  21. 21.0 21.1 21.2 Giuliani works for foreign clients while serving as Trump’s attorney by Josh Dawsey, Tom Hamburger & Ashley Parker (July 10, 2018 at 6:00 AM) The Washington Post.
  22. How Trump and Giuliani pressured Ukraine to investigate the president’s rivals by Josh Dawsey et al. (September 20, 2019 at 8:24 p.m. PDT) The Washington Post.
  23. Trump has done plenty to warrant impeachment. But the Ukraine allegations are over the top. by George T. Conway III and Neal Katyal (September 20, 2019 at 4:56 p.m. PDT) The Washington Post.
  24. Rudy Giuliani's remarkable Ukraine interview, annotated by Aaron Blake (September 20, 2019 at 7:44 a.m. PDT) The Washington Post.
  25. "Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani coughs his way through anti-mask interview" by Poppy Noor, Guardian, 2020 October 6
  26. "The Hunter Biden ‘Scoops’: Here’s Why The Media Largely Hasn’t Picked Up The NY Post Stories (Hint: It’s Not Bias)" by Joe Walsh, Forbes, 2020 October 22
  27. "Analysis: Questionable 'N.Y. Post' Scoop Driven By Ex-Hannity Producer And Giuliani" by David Folkenflik, NPR, 2020 October 17
  28. "Facebook and Twitter are restricting a disputed New York Post story about Joe Biden’s son" by Adi Robertson, Verge, 2020 October 14
  29. "Man Who Reportedly Gave Hunter’s Laptop to Rudy Speaks Out in Bizarre Interview" by Jordan Howell and Erin Banco, Daily Beast, 2020 October 14
  30. "New York Post Staff Reportedly Wanted Nothing To Do With That Fishy Hunter Biden Story" by Charlotte Klein, Vanity Fair, 2020 October 19
  31. ‘Borat 2’ Director Still Shocked By Film’s Rudy Giuliani Scene by David Moye, Huffington Post, 2021 January 5
  32. "Giuliani Reportedly Caught With His Hand In His Pants In New ‘Borat’ Film" by Carlie Porterfield, Forbes, 2020 October 21
  33. "Biden Wins Presidency, Ending Four Tumultuous Years Under Trump" By Jonathan Martin and Alexander Burns, New York Times, 2020 November 7
  34. "From Obscure To Sold Out: The Story Of Four Seasons Total Landscaping In Just 4 Days" by Miles Bryan, NPR Morning Edition, 2020 November 11
  35. "Trump puts personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani in charge of all election lawsuits" by Graeme Massie, Independent, 2020 November 14
  36. "Fact check: False claims about George Soros" by Reuters Staff, Reuters, 2020 September 23
  37. "Fact-checking the craziest news conference of the Trump presidency" by Glenn Kessler, New York Times, 2020 November 19
  38. "Facts about Smartmatic",
  39. "Smartmatic Fact-checked",
  40. "Chavez, Soros and 'My Cousin Vinny:' Giuliani's wild vote fraud presser",, 2020 November 19
  41. "Hairstylists Say Rudy Giuliani’s TV Disaster Should Be a Lesson to Us All" by Tim Teeman, Daily Beast, 2020 November 20
  42. "Baseless Conspiracy Theory Targets Another Election Technology Company" by Saranac Hale Spencer,, 2020 November 25
  43. "‘This is simply not how the Constitution works’: Federal judge eviscerates Trump lawsuit" by Josh Gerstein, Kyle Cheney and Zach Montellaro, Politico, 2020 November 21
  44. "Rudy Giuliani cites affidavit about Michigan that erroneously includes Minnesota locations" by Louis Jacobson and Noah Y. Kim, Detroit Free Press, 2020 November 21
  45. "Supplemental Brief In Support Of Motion for Temporary Restraining Order and Preliminary Injjunction, File No: 20-014780-AW, filed by Melissa Carone on 2020 November 10th, archived at
  46. "Trump campaign’s star witness in Michigan was deemed ‘not credible.’ Then, her loud testimony went viral." by Teo Armus, Washington Post, 2020 December 3
  47. "Rudy Giuliani’s bizarre legal strategy, in two clips" by Jerusalem Demsas, Vox, 2020 December 3
  49. "Dominion lawyers slam Mellissa Carone's 'outlandish' claims of election fraud in cease-and-desist letter" by Steve Neavling, Detroit Metro Times, 2020 December 28
  50. "Arizona legislature closes after Giuliani spent two days with maskless GOP lawmakers" by Jaclyn Peiser, Washington Post, 2020 December 7
  51. "BREAKING: There are currently no unruled upon lawsuits brought by Trump or his allies in any court. The only cases remaining in court are appeals of Trump's previous losses. Unless they file new lawsuits, Trump and his allies will remain 1-59 in post-election litigation.", Marc E. Elias (@marceelias), Twitter, 2020 December 13, archived on 2020 December 13
  52. "Rudy Giuliani Challenges Antifa To Fight Him Mano-a-Mano" by Elizabeth Dye, Above the Law, 2021 January 8
  53. "Scarborough calls for arrest of Trump, Giuliani and Trump Jr. for insurrection against US" by Morgan Gstalter, The Hill, 2021 January 7
  54. "Steve Bannon’s podcast removed from YouTube hours after Giuliani interview" by Graeme Massie, Independent, 2021 January 8
  55. "YouTube bans Steve Bannon's podcast channel hours after Rudy Giuliani appeared on an episode and blamed the Capitol siege on Democrats" by Joshua Zitser, Business Insider, 2021 January 9
  56. "Dominion Voting Systems sues Rudy Giuliani over false election claims, seeks $1.3 billion" by Rebecca Shabad, NBC News, 2021 January 25
  57. 57.0 57.1 Giuliani wasn’t just a Trump partisan but a shrewd marketer of vitamins, gold, lawsuit says: Trump’s personal lawyer sought to turn conspiracy theories and voter fraud videos into online moneymakers, attorneys for Dominion say by Drew Harwell (Jan. 26, 2021 at 4:00 a.m. PST) The Washington Post.