Julia Gillard

Gillard was Australia's first prime minister to sport a whopping 2GB's of RAM.

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Julia "Big Red" Juliar Gillard (1961–) was Australia's first and only female Prime Minister* from 2010-13. Her birth certificate indicates she comes from Wales, where she was born from at least one Australian parent, hence why she was allowed to be Prime Minister. Most people tuned out as soon as she muttered "My fellow Australians..." One of her successors is the London-bred Tony Abbott. We don't know either.

There was an element of Maggie about all this, owed to her ginger hair and accompanying lack of a soul but the difference was Thatcher really was a bitch; Gillard just comes across that way. Also, she didn't command anywhere near the same level of authority or infamy. A better example would be Hillary Clinton: When Jules speaks off the cuff, she is more charismatic, but her statements and answers are canned, so she presents as dry and uncaring. Good at getting stuff done, not so good at being popular.

From back-bencher to bench-warmer

A union lawyer-turned-shadow minister in the Labor Party, she was chosen to be Kevin Rudd's deputy when he served as PM, becoming the first female deputy leader in Australian politics.

It all started in 2010. Consensus within the party seems to be that after K-Rudd worked his guts out and failed to pass the climate change plan he kinda lost his mojo. (They used to call him "Dr. Death", and for good reason.) The mining cartel rallied against him, even ran TV commercials. As Gillard's recognition grew, the more she criticized Rudd. Being an election year, Labor panicked and installed the (at the time) more popular Gillard. Rudd resigned hours before the election was supposed to happen, conceding the Premiership to her. She chose Rudd as Minister for Foreign Affairs, an apparent showing of good faith, but one that would lead to her downfall in retrospect.

To curry favour for the ALP, she declared there would be no tax on carbon. Preferences with the Greens saved Labor come election time (just) but it still took the support of independents to retain power. Regardless, Gillard's support dropped steeply because she came across as heavily stage-managed. It's like someone in the Labor party was afraid of her being perceived as the next Thatcher so they did their best to tamp down any shred of intelligence she had. She should have been more populist and given Murdoch everything he wanted. You know, like Tony. And she should have been less female. Again, just like Tony.

Oh, and Gillard went back on her claim that there would be no carbon tax almost as soon as she was re-elected. Her integrity was on the line after knifing Rudd. The result was her image of being a pathological liar, political player and a cheat. Voters switched off to her. Didn't matter what happened after, she was always going have a popularity ceiling.

Mutually assured destruction

See the main article on this topic: Prisoner's dilemma

Once he'd had enough of the character assassinations, Rudd resigned as MFA and challenged the Prime Minister in a leadership spill, citing Gillard's unwillingness to condemn the attacks. Gillard countered that Rudd was "chaotic and dysfunctional" and that he viewed the ballot process as "an episode of Celebrity Big Brother". Gillard overwhelmingly defeated Rudd in the leadership ballot, by 71 votes to 31. In a vain attempt to end the feud, Rudd returned to the backbenches as promised and pledged his loyalty. His supporters didn't get the memo, though, so she launched a second leadership election. Rudd did not run, leaving Gillard as the only candidate on the leadership ballot. It leaves a bad taste in the mouth that Australia's first female "Prime Minister" came to power in such a poor way. (*Just 'cause Gillard loves being a history maker, this also marked the first time an incumbent Labor leader was elected unopposed at a leadership ballot. Six others resigned following Rudd's departure.)

Rudd slinked back to the bench once more, promising to never again challenge her leadershahahaha. He actually called a secret meeting with the press corps and told them, hey I'm going to destabilize the government and get my old job back - don't tell anyone. Gillard again announced a third leadership spill, with Rudd predictably being her martyred opponent; both were committed to retiring from politics in the event of a loss. Rudd's 'victory' was effectively a killing blow for the Labor party, and then the country once the Liberals oozed into government.

Rudd/Gillard will always disagree as to who was the bigger ass. In truth, they're both asses, just to varying degrees.

Born again, or just born yesterday?

As an unmarried childless atheist, she spent her time as Prime Minister opposing same-sex marriage and expanding federal funding for religious chaplains in state schools. Bravery like this doesn't come around every day, ladies and gentlemen.

The retail union SDA was the strongest voice against the plebiscite on gay marriage. Seeing as they are the largest union left in the ACTU, they were constantly whispering in Gillard's ear. Unfortunately, the former Secretary of the union was an Irish Catholic right-wing anti-everything nutjob. The fact that Gillard opposed same-sex marriage (with lesbian senator Penny Wong toeing the party line) shows just how powerful some of these lobby groups must be.

She's pushing for it now, but all this moral crusading is pretty rich.

Get them off me!

Oh, and she was once chased off by Aboriginal protesters on Australia Day. No doubt they were planted there by Kevin Rudd!

Occasional pwnage

After calling out Tony Abbott for accusing her of supporting a sexist House Speaker, the Australian Macquarie Dictionary decided to update its definition of misogyny from "strictly meaning a hatred of women to also denote an entrenched prejudice against women."

The tinfoil to Thatcher's iron

Because of her affiliation with a Fabian Socialist society in her youth, Gillard is regarded by right-wing conspiracy cranks as a secret Satanist, working in tandem with the Illuminati to advance the New World Order's agenda in Australia.

In 2011, Gillard appointed the environmentally-friendly Tim Flannery as chief of the Australian Climate Commission, an independent body aimed at increasing public awareness of climate change, that was abolished by the Abbott Government in 2013. Libertarians view this appointment with narrowed eyes, as greenies are known to rub shoulders with the NWO.

In 2013, a Royal Commission investigation was launched into the super-secret Labor slush fund! Gillard's past legal services and some accompanying office renovations. Also, something to do with an ex-boyfriend...? Then they "extended" the Commission, wasting even more taxpayer money. This witchhunt is akin to "Whitewater", or "Benghazi" which you hear Americans constantly talk about.

Epitaph

“”I really believe this was an election that was lost by the government rather than one that was won by Tony Abbott.

—Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister

Disingenuous, cowardly leadership which lurched the country to the right and laid the groundwork for the Abbott ascension. That said, she got more done as a female atheist in a hung parliament than Tony could do on his best day. That's pretty good given the stats. She deserves to be remembered for her tenacity and political brutality.

As for the future? Promoting girls' education in the third world. (If you look at Gillard's record in government, almost her entire agenda seemed to be based around grabbing cash and stuffing it into education.) Also, tearing Rudd a new arsehole in her book and becoming a Sword of Damocles hanging over his head for as long as he's in politics.

See also

• Gordon Brown - If only he hadn't called that bigot a bigot. Oh, the injustice!
• Malcolm Turnbull - Malcolm rolled Tony for the same reason Julie rolled Kevin: neither of them would listen to the party or negotiate, so nothing was done. Yet, suddenly it's all kosher when Malcolm does it. Proving once again that anyone who votes LNP is a hypocrite.
• Third Way - The rivalry came down to clashes between ideology as much as it was poor leadership in the party. Kevin Rudd's ministry made effective use of Keynesian economics-style fiscal stimulus to minimise the GFC's impact on Australia. With the end of the mining boom looming, it feels like Australia is falling into an economic and cultural identity crisis.

External links

• Julia Gillard Rushed To Hospital After Overdosing On Schadenfreude
• Cersei Gillard: I 'enjoy' Game of Thrones - There's something unsettling about a politician liking that show.
• Networks reject Julia Gillard telemovie, because 'everyone hates' the former PM - lol free to air networks. Put on another renovations show and keep hemorrhaging money, you dinosaurs. (How about a show where you renovate WHILE cooking and losing weight!)

Videos

• Julia Gillard sings "I Dreamed a Dream"