Fun:Really embarrassing conservatives

There are conservatives, and then there are the insane ones that make other conservatives embarrassed to share their side of the political spectrum. Poe's Law and the possibility that some of the more outlandish examples may in fact be deep cover liberals cannot account for all of the conservatives to whom reality is a rapidly shrinking dot on the horizon. Some of these conservatives, however, make us all, conservative, liberal, and patriopsychotic anarchomaterialist alike, embarrassed to be members of the same species. Here are a few particularly egregious examples:

Sexual antics

• Larry "Wide Stance" Craig. (R-estroom) Strongly opposed gay marriage, and did his best to punish a politician whose boyfriend turned out to be a pimp. Pleaded guilty to undisclosed "lewd acts" in an airport men's room, and later reversed his decision.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has allegedly engaged in group sex with other body-builders across the world, and had been accused of groping women on movie sets. Received the title "Herr Gropenfuhrer" from cartoonist Garry Trudeau.

• Bob Allen - McCain campaign co-chair. Caught in a Titusville park restroom offering to pay an undercover police officer to allow him to perform oral sex on him. When arrested, claimed he was scared of the policeman, who was black.

• Ted Haggard, the one-time spiritual adviser to George W. Bush, resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals after allegations arose of methamphetamine-fueled gay sex with prostitutes. The hooker in question outed Haggard after three years because of his hypocritical moralizing and his opposition to gay marriage. Jon Stewart quipped "You know you're in trouble when you ceded the moral high ground to a drug-dealing prostitute".

• Billy James Hargis, who apparently deflowered two former students who ended up getting married — and they came forward in 1974, so you know what that means.

• Bill O'Reilly. TV's morality maven, famous for making obscene phone calls involving falafel. Penis goes in, penis goes out. You can't explain that!

• Jimmy Swaggart had sex with a prostitute, then tried to get over the scandal by going straight on TV and telling God he was sorry.

• Jim Bakker had sex with a secretary, then waited a few years before writing a book telling God he was sorry.

• Mark Foley, Republican congressman from Florida. He's a chickenhawk, and he's gonna get him a big little chicken.

• Bob Livingston, pwned by Larry Flynt just as he was about to become Speaker of the House.

• Rudy Giuliani, who announced at a press conference that he was divorcing his second wife, without telling her first. Then he ended up as Trump's main lawyer and proceeded to try to defend the indefensible, with… predictable results.

• G. Harrold Carswell, one of Richard Nixon's nominees for the Supreme Court. Busted in a public restroom for soliciting sex from an undercover policeman. He was apparently a big inspiration for Larry Craig.

• Mark Sanford, for "hiking the Appalachian Trail" on Naked Hiking Day.

• Neal Horsley, fringe anti-abortion activist and creator of the Nuremberg Files hitlist, who admitted his "first girlfriend" was a mule. According to Horsley, if one grows up on a farm in Georgia, bestiality dating outside one's own species is par for the course. The coincidence of his last name is merely icing on the cake here.

• George Alan Rekers, minister and co-founder of the Family Research Council. Made a living championing against the homosexual agenda and then… do you really not know where this is going? He hired a young gay prostitute from Rentboy.com to handle his package "lift his luggage". See. Later claimed he "shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ" with him. Specifically, Matthew 26:26: "Take and eat; this is my body."

• Newt Gingrich cheated on his first wife, who was hospitalized with cancer, according to her filing for divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from surgery, remarrying, then after proposing an "open marriage" to his second wife, cheating on her with a congressional intern who would become his third wife. This was while he was trying to impeach the president for messing around with an intern.

• Jack Ryan, a Republican from Illinois who withdrew from the 2004 Senate race after files pertaining to his 1999 divorce from his wife, Jeri (yes, that Jeri Ryan), were made public, revealing her accusations that Ryan had taken her to kinky sex clubs and asked her to act out his assimilation fantasies perform sexual acts there. The GOP scraped the bottom of the barrel a little harder and came up with someone else to run against the Democratic candidate.

• Clarence Thomas, whose unwanted advances toward his clerk Anita Hill included accusing someone of spiking his Coke with pubes. Classy!

• Senators John Ensign and David Vitter, champions of family values, both having taken services from call girls. Vitter is known to be a diaper fetishist. Ensign, meanwhile, cheated with the wife of his top aide, giving him a lobbying job in violation of ethics rules, and gave the couple nearly 100k of hush money.

• Dick Morris, Fox News contributor and turncoat former Clinton adviser, who let a prostitute suck his toes, and did a Popeye impersonation for her.

• Mark Souder, former Congressman who sanctimoniously championed evangelical values and abstinence while simultaneously having an affair. He claimed the affair wasn't what caused him to resign and that he would have done it anyway.

• Carl Paladino, the GOP's 2010 gubernatorial candidate from New York, whose emails contain bestiality porn (woman on horse), as well as having fathered an illegitimate child.

• Philip Hinkle, Indiana GOP State Rep, who voted for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, offered a guy money, with a little extra for "a good time."

• Puerto Rico State Senator Roberto Arango resigned after taking explicit up-the-arse shots of himself and publishing them on gay cruising website Grindr.

• Anti-gay pastor Eddie Long, having sex with underage boys.

• To prove that such hypocrisies are not limited to men, Minnesota State Senate Majority Leader Amy Koch voluntarily resigned after admitting to an extramarital affair with a male staffer.

• Herman Cain, accused by three women of making unwanted sexual advances on women who were the same height as his wife while CEO of Godfather's Pizza.

• Chris Lee, Republican (former) Congressman of New York, who solicited a trans woman on Craigslist and posted shirtless photos of himself.

• Jack Schaap, pastor at an Indiana megachurch, seduced a teenage girl, telling her "Jesus wanted them to have sex." Here is a totally unrelated video.

• Todd Courser (R) and Cindy Gamrat (R), two of the most right-wing state representatives in Michigan, both married at the time but having a sexual relationship despite having children from their marriages with spouses. Both were expelled by the Michigan State Legislature or resigned under pressure. Their strategy for covering up this affair was... unique.

• Roy Moore, failed GOP Senate candidate from Alabama, whose public image as a “family values candidate” was called into question when he was outed as a serial child molester.

• Tim Murphy, an anti-abortion Pennsylvania congressman who resigned after pressuring his mistress to get an abortion.

• Matt Gaetz, representative from Florida's panhandle, simply for the irony of a QAnon supporter being investigated for sex trafficking.

Criminal antics

• Kent Hovind, a.k.a. "Dr. Dino", served nine years in prison for criminal tax evasion. As you can see from this site, he's a real prince of a guy.
• Rick Renzi, former Republican Congresscritter from Fairfax, Virginia representing an Arizona congressional district he doesn't live in. Indicted on federal charges he skimmed money from an insurance company to finance his campaign, and used his seat to pass legislation directly benefiting his business partners and family.
• The late Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska, found guilty of referring to the Internet as a bunch of tubes seven counts of failing to report gifts, in violation of the Ethics in Government Act. UPDATE: The judge says Ted's good to go.
• Jim Bakker, again. Forgot to pay $100 million (ish) in taxes and tried telling the IRS he was sorry. They were not impressed so he spent years in jail, where he was divorced by his wife, the lovely Tammy Faye, who then married his best friend. Or something.
• Jack Abramoff, a high-powered Republican lobbyist, was at the center of one of Washington's biggest corruption scandals in history. He was convicted of passing millions in bribes to top Republican congressmen before receiving a 6-year term.
• Randy "Duke" Cunningham, who took 2.4 million in bribes and is now serving 8 years in prison.
• Scooter Libby (Cheney's Cheney) was convicted of four counts after the investigation into the outing of a CIA operative under the Bush administration.
• Richard Nixon, for covering up the break-in of Democratic headquarters known as Watergate and authorizing various other ratfucking activities. Infamously said "I am not a crook". Assisted by G. Gordon Liddy and Chuck Colson, among others, in this criminal act.
• Ronald Reagan and the treasonous Oliver North, for the Iran-Contra scandal where they illegally armed dictators.
• Dick Cheney and the Bush administration, for pardoning the aforementioned Scooter Libby, starting two pointless wars for no good reason, illegally wiretapping individuals, and orchestrating torture.
• Karl Rove, taking part along with Scooter Libby mentioned above illegally outing a CIA agent.
• Jeff Perry, the 2010 GOP candidate for the House of Representatives from the Tenth District of Massachusetts who, in the early 1990s, was a police sergeant in the town of Wareham. A subordinate of his was fond of performing strip-searches on teenaged girls. The now-adult victims allege that Perry either oversaw the searches, or went to another room and ignored their pleas for help. Perry initially stated that he was in the room and that everything was on the up-and-up. But when the offending officer admitted to the crimes in 1992 and was sentenced in 1993, Perry stated "I didn't know [the assaults] were happening. If I did I would have put handcuffs on him and locked him up myself."
• Joe Miller, the GOP's 2010 senate candidate from Alaska, for being "protected" by an unlicensed "private security firm" called "Drop Zone" — who, it turns out, are really members of the Alaska militia movement. On 17 October, at a public forum held at a public school in Anchorage, Drop Zone thugs employees handcuffed and detained a reporter who was trying to ask Miller about his work as a government attorney for Fairbanks North Star Borough. Specifically, the reporter was trying to ask the welfare-hating Miller about hiring his wife to be his assistant, then helping her apply for unemployment benefits after the borough fired her — a little fact that Miller has diligently tried to dodge all throughout his campaign. He tried to contest his loss of the election by saying that roughly 8,000 ballots were invalid, but he'd need 10,000 of them invalidated to win.
• Byron (Low Tax) Looper, who, when faced with the prospect of electoral defeat by a popular Democratic incumbent, murdered his opponent.
• Lt. Col. Allen West, Representative from Florida elected in 2010, despite the fact that he "retired" after he was found in violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice for torturing a detainee and the IRS later placed a lien on him for unpaid back taxes.
• Tom DeLay, who was found guilty in 2010 of money laundering.

Political antics beyond the call of duty

• Rod Dreher, a conservative political pundit and now-former Bush-booster who, at the ripe old age of 39, has abruptly realized that:
  

  "I had a heretical thought for a conservative - that I’ve got to teach my kids that they must never ever take presidents and generals at their word. That their government will send them to kill and die for noble sounding rot, that they have to question authority."

  For his next trick, expect him to discover that credit cards have to be paid eventually, and that there really isn't a little man in the fridge that turns the light off when you close the door.^{[citation NOT needed]}
• The schmuck at FEMA who put together a fake press conference, with FEMA employees pretending to be reporters and asking softball questions in the wake of the 11/07 California wildfires. Michael Brown? No, he was out by 2007.
• Dan Quayle, the chief grave robber of Indiana who didn't live in this century, understands the importance of bondage between a mother and child, wishes he knew more Latin so he could converse in Latin America, is not a potted plant, and practically grew up in Phoenix which is in California. And can't spell potatoe PATATOE it's pohtahto', dammit.
• Reagan administration officials palling around with Lyndon LaRouche's organization in the early 1980s. To their credit, they eventually realized just how batshit insane the LaRouchies were and cut off contact.
• Michael Steele, former chairman of the RNC, for not going "loosey goosey" on marriage, renaming the new GOP website "Wat Up", saying they're going to reach out to "one armed midgets", and trying to make the GOP "hip-hop". Really.
• Sue Lowden, for proposing a barter system for health care, where patients would pay for medical treatment with chickens or cows, an idea which was strongly mocked across the board.
• Conservative Party (South Africa). Led by a dominee (minister) of the Dutch Reformed Church, Dr Andries Treurnicht (his name means "never mourn"), they broke away from the ruling National Party, because they felt PW Botha's reforms (the creation of a puppet Indian and Coloured parliament, whilst still excluding Blacks) had pushed the Nats too far to the left.
• Dr Hendrik Verwoerd, staunch right-winger, former theology student, and father of "Grand Apartheid."
• Senator Joseph McCarthy definitely put political antics beyond the call of duty, using his position as Senator to be a paranoid anti-Communist demagogue who cost many actors their jobs for their political beliefs (or perceived political beliefs).
• Newt Gingrich (again) for general idiocy during the 2012 Presidential campaign.
• John Boehner, for tearing up all the time.
• Todd Akin for stating his belief that a woman's body shuts down a pregnancy resulting from a "legitimate rape".
• New Hampshire Teabagger Stella Tremblay, who accused a double amputee victim of the Boston Marathon Bombings of faking his injuries.
• Virginia Senator Steve Martin, for posting on Facebook his belief that pregnant women are just "hosts," though "some refer to them as mothers".
• Oklahoma Senator Jim Inhofe, who refuted decades of research into global warming by throwing a snowball at the floor of the Senate. When told how incredibly stupid he was, he doubled down by citing the Bible. He is also chair of the Environment and Public Works Committee.
• The Konrad Adenauer Foundation, for recommending a cooperation between the CDU and the Gray Wolves.
• Belgian N-VA (New Flemish Alliance) Senator Karel Vanlouwe, for erasing the "B" (Belgium) on his Vehicle registration plate and replacing it with "VL" (Flanders), which annoyed all the traffic cops passing by.
• Brett Kavanaugh, for being the perfect SCOTUS nominee: an alleged sexual predator who is shamelessly partisan, carries himself with a haughty sense of entitlement, and has monumental anger management issues; thinks that the proper way to conduct oneself during a confirmation hearing is to push baseless conspiracy theories, make thinly-veiled threats against opponents, and ramble on and on about beer in between fits of rage-filled crying.

Racial faux pas

• David Duke, former Republican member of the Louisiana House of Representatives and former Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan, in favor of racial segregation. Lost his bid to be elected Louisiana Governor in 1990 (thankfully).
• George Allen, caught live on video calling an Indian-American volunteer for his opponent's campaign "Macaca", an obscure old racial slur. His re-election chances took a nosedive and never recovered. He repeatedly tried to make amends by showing his racial sensitivity for the rest of the campaign, by taking out a life membership in the NAACP, disclosing his half-Jewish ancestry (he claims to have learned the racial slur from his Jewish grandmother), and accusing his opponent of writing "pornography" for his accurate descriptions of Vietnamese cultural practices in his Vietnam War novels. Each time, his standing in the polls fell further.
• Evan Mecham (R-Arizona), former governor, for calling black children "pickaninnies" and then defending his use of the term to the press.
• James Watt, Reagan administration Secretary of the Interior, for describing the diversity on his staff this way: "We've got every minority group represented: a black, a woman, two Jews, and a cripple."
• Sherri Goforth, an aide to Sen. Diane Black (R-TN), sent a disgustingly racist email "to the wrong list of people". Yeah, she sure did.[3]
• Jeff Sessions, Junior Senator from Alabama, for saying that he 'used to think the Ku Klux Klan were OK' until he found out some of them were 'pot smokers.' [4] He called Sonia Sotomayor racist during her Senate confirmation hearings. [5]
• Sharron Angle, the GOP's 2010 senate candidate from Nevada -- who also doesn't know how to spell "Sharon" -- for telling a group of Hispanic students at a Las Vegas high school that they "looked a little more Asian" to her, and that she -- a Caucasian -- had, "been called the first Asian legislator in our Nevada State Assembly." (And as with most cons in the 2010 election cycle, her handlers went around the room telling people to turn off any recording devices. Fortunately, a few ignored this request.) Angle's spokesman later claimed that she was referring to a time when another reporter (allegedly) mistakenly thought that Angle was of Asian descent.
• Rand Paul, the GOP's 2010 senate candidate from Kentucky, who thinks the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was unfair. That's right. That Civil Rights Act. (For stopping businesses from discriminating racially. It's their property, they can do what they want with it, dontcha know).
• Pat Buchanan, Stormfront's favorite conservative.
• Strom Thurmond, although that didn't stop him from fathering a child with a 16-year old black girl at the age of 22.
• Rick Santorum, for coming thiiiissss close to calling President Obama an extremely offensive, really racist word that starts with N.
• Don Young, for his usage of a racist term to refer to the Hispanic individuals his father hired.
• Republican officer Don Yelton, who admitted in a Daily Show interview that the real objective behind North Carolina's controversial voter ID law was to "kick Democrats in the butt" and punish "lazy black people that wants the government to give them everything."
• Roy Moore (again), for saying that America was better off under slavery and pushing the Birther conspiracy.
• Donald Trump, for telling four minority Congresswomen to go back to their countries despite three of them being born in the US.

General media idiots

• Jeff Gannon, the White House Press Corps' star reporter, with a sideline in being a "male escort". (The fact that this story isn't still front page news just shows the Liberal Media's Homosexual Agenda in action — or something.)
• Sarah Palin, for being completely unable to form a coherent sentence, suffering from a disability that forbade her from knowing a single newspaper she had ever read, and a lack of knowledge of what the Vice President even does.
• Glenn Beck for bringing crank Mormon writer W. Cleon Skousen out of obscurity, for use of nonsensical slogans like We Surround Them, crying on air all the freakin' time, and for having a really ridiculous "radioactive letter G" logo.
• Christine O'Donnell, The GOP's 2010 Senate Candidate from Delaware for not knowing the constitution has a separation of church and state, making an ad denying she's a witch, putting out a campaign in the 90s railing against masturbation, and saying in an O'Reilly Factor interview that there were "mice with fully functioning human brains".
• During the weekend that Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC, self-proclaimed moderate Tucker Carlson pretended to be Olbermann in a back-and-forth e-mail exchange with Philadelphia Daily News columnist Stu Bykofsky. In the exchange, Carlson/Olbermann libeled Olbermann's boss. It turns out that Carlson's right wing website The Daily Caller purchased the domain KeithOlbermann.com over the summer and Carlson's e-mail address there is "Keith@KeithOlbermann.com." Hmmm.
• Rick Perry, who forgets departments he wants to abolish, organizes pray-ins with Bryan Fischer, flirts with secession, makes openly anti-gay ads that karmically made him the persona non grata of Youtube, and stammering incoherence in debates. Almost certainly put an innocent prisoner to death and closed the investigation before it could find out for sure, but that one's standard for Texas.
• Donald Trump, carnival barker, attention-craving birther who wants you to think he's the epitome of a self-made man when he inherited his wealth and who's managed to bankrupt a casino. Clearly not content with this, he became President, and proceeded to be shocked that government is actually *gasp* hard to manage.
• Rush Limbaugh, who finally earned a place on this list after his comments regarding Sandra Fluke — if his hypocrisy in being a drug addict while shouting for years that we should execute drug addicts didn't qualify him already.
• WingNutDaily American far right tabloid webshite. All you need to know.

Religious antics

• Fred Phelps whose support for Al Gore is irrelevant to his religious antics, thanks God for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the California wildfires, and other bad things that happen to the United States.
• Jerry Falwell claimed the 9/11 attack was God's punishment of America for our alleged tolerance of gays. Despite having similar comments on 9/11, Falwell called Fred Phelps a "loon" as a way of making Falwell's homophobia not appear as bad.
• Pat Robertson who claims certain natural disasters are caused by God for not carrying out Pat's agenda, called for the assassination of Hugo Chavez, concurred with Falwell when he said 9/11 was God's punishment, and thinking the 2010 Haiti earthquake was caused by a pact with the Devil they made in the 1800s to gain independence from France. Wait, does that mean the Founding Fathers made a pact with the Devil?
• Dr. Wiley Drake, of the First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park, California, has decided to publicly "ask the children of God to go into action with imprecatory prayer" to try to get God to curse his enemies for him.
• Several British bishops, headed by the bishop of Carlisle, blamed Britain's 2007 floods on pro-gay legislation. The bishops' statement, however, did not include an explanation for why the floods missed the parliament in London, which instituted the laws, and Brighton, the country's "gay capital".
• Bryan Fischer, who believes the First Amendment does not apply to Non-Christians, among other batshit beliefs.
• Rick Santorum, who thinks gay marriage will lead to bestiality and that it's all right to ban contraception.
• Televangelist Sergio Von Helder, a Brazilian Protestant who kicked a small saint statue in front of the mainstream Brazilian Protestant commercial television station in what is known as the Chute na santa incident. He also said that the Brazilian labor MP Luiz Inácio de La Silva was Satan himself. Needless to say, he'd be right at home in the US.
• And finally, someone female, and for a while, not Christian - Christine O'Donnell, Tea Partyer whose career was stymied by admissions of witchcraft.
• Roy Moore yet again, for openly opposing Separation of Church and State, claiming that Freedom of Religion only applies to Christians, calling America an evil country for allowing gay people to exist, claiming that transgender people are conspiring to destroy America, saying that Muslims should not be allowed to hold public office, and responding to the aforementioned child rape allegations by pushing anti Semitic conspiracy theories.

Batshit craziness

• The John Birch Society
• Black helicopters
• New World Order conspiracies
• George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush. Enough said.
• Representative Michele Bachmann, Hoooo boy, Michele Bachmann.
• Rep. Louie Gohmert: Terror babies!
• Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, for somehow making all of the above seem rational by comparison.

Genocide denialists

• David Duke (Holocaust)
• Bob Livingston (Armenia)
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Holocaust)
• Pamela Geller (Armenia) (Uh-oh. This one is backed up by the right-wing media...)

The chickenhawk wing

See if you can match the following Republican warmongers with their excuse for dodging the Vietnam War.

1. George W. Bush
2. Dick Cheney
3. Rush Limbaugh
4. Tom DeLay
5. Trent Lott
6. Mitt Romney
7. Donald Trump

(a) Busy nursing the cyst in his ass.
(b) Claimed minority youths had taken up so many slots there was no room for patriotic folks like him.
(c) Busy raising school spirit as a cheerleader
(d) Took a religious trip to France.
(e) Had a bad foot, then forgot which one.
(f) Knocked up his wife to get a deferment, and later claimed he had "Other priorities"
(g) Used his father's connections to get a plum spot in the National Guard, where he went AWOL on a drunk bender.

Answers (highlight to see)

1 - g
2 - f
3 - a
4 - b
5 - c
6 - d
7 - e

Miscellaneous

• John McCain, for fuelling a hate-inspired campaign with ludicrous attacks based on the most passing and circumstantial shreds of evidence and choosing the completely inept and unqualified Sarah Palin for his running mate.
• Howard Hughes, Republican donor, whose life was, erm, unusual.
• Ted Cruz, for being Ted Cruz.
• Nancy Reagan, astrology fangirl.
• Monarchists, anywhere in any country. Who wants to be ruled by a chinless inbred wonder just because their ancestors had better armies than yours?
• Your local internet router , as he doesn't always succeed in delivering your information requests. No one wants to wait longer for a webpage to load on to your computer just because he doesn't always deliver.
• You, for sincerely believing that America is the "Best Country on Earth", and willingly obeying George W. Bush for eight years because you were "either with us or with the terrorists."

See also

• Fun:Really embarrassing liberals
• Fun:Really embarrassing moderates
• Fun:Left wing bastards
• Fun:Right wing bastards
• Andrew Schlafly and his blog, Conservapedia.
• Fun:Really embarrassing Brits, of all political stripes.
• Fun:Really embarrassing Australians and New Zealanders

External links

• "Should we assume that every sanctimonious, moralizing Republican is a closeted sexual libertine--or just MOST of them?"
• Why Social Conservatives Can't Keep It in their Pants
• Republican Values Create Child Molesters: Stop Republican Pedophilia - a laundry list of offenders with many links to other websites.