# Fun:You have two cows

You have one cow.
You have two cows.

How many cows do you have?

## Science

• Albert Einstein: You have two cows. That's a maximum combined energy output of 1.062*1020J.
• Biology: You have two common domesticated female bovinae. Through a combination of genetic enhancement and crossbreeding, you eventually get cows that produce a thousand times more milk.
• Marine biology: You have two sea cows. Unfortunately due to the 'vulnerable' status on the IUCN Red List, law forbids you from milking them without multiple permits from and supervision by the bureaucracy.
• Chemistry: You have two cows. You extract the milk by grinding the cows up, dissolving them in toluene using a Soxhlet extractor, and purifying the crude milk by distilling it over sodium. Your yield is 14.5%
• Evolution: You have two cows. They are distant cousins of yours.
• Geology: You have two cows. They milk very slowly over the course of millions of years but produce dozens of different types of milk. People accuse you of "colouring in" milking.
• Mathematics: You have $\int_0^\pi sin(x)\,dx$ cows.
• Nanotechnology (actual): Using Ag nano-particles suspended on a zeolite framework, you can purify the milk of your cows cheaply and simply.
• Nanotechnology (fictional): Due to a miscalculation, the cows are turned into a puddle of milk which then seeks out new cows to liquidate.
• Palaeontology: You have two fossilised cows. Unfortunately you only have a few bones from each, but you have a good idea what they look like and that they definitely produced milk.
• Physics: You have two cows. You can perfectly predict the milk production, but only for spherical cows in a vacuum.
• Particle physics: You have two cows. By smashing them together at high speed you hope to find the reason for milk. You present your cow findings in Comic Sans.
• Psychology: You have two cows. Milking them indicates that you have repressed homosexual feelings and wish to have sex with your father.
• Richard Lenski: You have two cows, that have evolved the capability to produce milk. A lawyer across town refuses to believe you and demands that you milk the cows in his office. You throw a glass of milk in the lawyer's face.
• Erwin Schrödinger: You have one cat cow. It is sealed in a box. As long as you don't open the box you have two cows, but only one of them is capable of giving milk. Worryingly it's the same cow as the one that can't give milk.
• Science: You have two cows. You gather evidence from observation about the best way of producing milk. You refine this process over many years.
• Mad science: Those fools at the university said I could never have two cows, but I've done it! I've done it! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
• Technology: You have two cows. You invent a milking machine with which to milk them. You produce the same amount of milk, but without breaking a sweat.

## Pseudoscience

• Astrology: You have no cows but by drawing lines at random and telling people what they want to hear, you can persuade them to give you milk.
• Automotive woo: You have two cows. If you buy my gizmo, they will live on just water and produce four times as much milk.
• Chiropractic: You have two cows. You manipulate their spines to make them produce more milk. You accidentally snap one of their spines, killing it. You now have one cow.
• Christian Science: You have two cows. You don't milk them yourself, but stand around praying for the cows to milk themselves. Their udders eventually explode.
• Creationism: You have two cows that are exactly like the two cows Adam had six thousand years ago. Also, the buckets were already full of milk when God created them.
• Cryptozoology: You have two chupacabras. None of your neighbours have cows anymore.
• Denialism: Your cows have nothing to do with global warming! In fact, you don't have any cows at all!
• Faith healing: You have two bulls. You claim to be able to make them produce milk with a simple laying on of hands.
• Homeopathy: You have two cows. You take the milk, dilute it and shake it a bit. Dilute and shake it some more. Then dilute and shake again. And then dilute that and shake it some more. You can now cure cancer!
• Horoscopes: You have cows? You must be a Taurus! You may or may not find something interesting or perhaps not interesting happens to you on Tuesday. It may or may not involve milk. If not, look for new love or rekindle an existing love in the next decade or six.
• Pseudoscience: You have two chickens. You invent a milking machine to milk them with. People still buy your "milk".
• Nanotechnology (woo):
• You get rid of your cows, because your nanobots can just synthesise milk atom by atom.
• You have 0.000000002 cows. They turn the world into grey goo.
• Quantum woo: You have two CWT-869 pan-dimensional Heisenberg Enhanced Quantum-Cows. You use the bio-etheric feedback field looped through the Einstein-Hawking phase variators of a HJU-758 Degrobulator to increase milk production. If you don't see any milk, that means you need to realign your thinking.
• Ufology: You have two cows. One has been mutilated by aliens.

## Conspiracies

• 9/11 truthers: You have two cows, but they were hit by planes. There's nothing that can convince you that the official report is truthful, so it must be due to holograms/false-flag/thermite/lizard-men.
• Birthers:
• You have two cows, but don't milk one until it shows you its birth certificate to prove that it's a US Citizen. You have fewer qualms about the other one because it isn't an Angus.
• Barack Obama was once seen with two cows. Islam does not condemn eating beef or drinking milk. Obama is a Muslim!
• Chemtrails: Your two cows don't produce milk any more, so you blame it on the white fluffy things that occasionally appear in the sky.
• David Icke: You have two lizards in convincing cow suits.
• Illuminati: Your neighbour thinks he has two cows and milks them, but you know the truth... that the milking is done by a secret society that controls everything.
• New World Order: You hide your cows and refuse to milk them in case that milk is stolen by Them. Alex Jones is the only person who knows this.

## Political economy

• Adam Smith: You have two cows. It is not from their benevolence that you expect your milk, but from their regard to their own self-interest.
• Albert O. Hirschman: You only have two cows now. One is a suck-up and the other sulks. You had a third cow but it left for greener pastures.
• Amartya Sen: Your herd of sacred cows never starved after it was ruled democratically.
• David Ricardo: You have two cows. One of them is Portuguese and the other English. The Portuguese cow gives you red wine which the English cow drinks.
• Ernest Mandel: You have two cows but neither private nor public attempts to manage their milk production allows you to overcome the workings of the law of value.
• Eugene Fama: You have two cows. They graze and are milked with maximum efficiency. No matter how hard you try, you can't milk them more efficiently.
• F.A. Hayek: The Fed gives you two cows. Then it gives you two more and causes the cow market to crash.
• James C. Scott: You have two cows. They ignore you and develop their own non-monetized economic exchange.
• John Maynard Keynes: You have two cows. When there's too much milk, you milk them extra so that their milk production will slow down. When there's not enough milk you buy extra cows on credit to milk them. All the farm owners remember is the latter part.
• John Nash: You have two cows. You devise the optimum way for everyone to share the milk. You occasionally have sex with the stable boy.
• Joseph Schumpeter: You had two cows but killed both in a fit of creative destruction.
• Karl Marx:
• You have two cows. You exploit their labour power by taking their milk. Someday, they will take revenge on you by waging revolution.
• You have two cows. They awake from their false consciousness and kill you, becoming the ruling class of the farm.
• Louis Bachelier: You have two cows. Both of them move according to Brownian motion.
• Ludwig von Mises: You have two cows that act. Therefore, we can deduce that cows must act to increase their marginal utility.
• Mancur Olson: You have two cows, one young and one old. You wish some fascist would kill the old one because it gives you no milk.
• Milton Friedman:Thank goodness for rich people willing to buy the milk from your cows!
• Peter Schiff: You have two cows, but the entire cow based economy is going to fall apart tomorrow. You should trade in your cows for gold!
• Ronald Coase: You are worried that some cows are not owned by anybody.

## Political philosophy

• Ayn Rand: You have two cows that you milk for handsome profit. Then you complain that your cows are parasites and you go on strike to Galt's Gulch, leaving the cows to die.
• Gordon Gekko: You can never have too many cows!
• Herbert Marcuse: You let your two cows determine when they want to be milked. But this is actually oppression disguised as freedom.
• Jean-Jacques Rousseau: You have two docile Brown Swiss. On the basis of this observation you conclude that the American Bison is both more noble and less savage than other people think.
• Jean-Jacques Rousseau (alternate): You have two cows. Each must give up part of their natural liberty to bind themselves in a social contract to you, and in return being secured other unalienable rights.
• John Locke: Everything was OK after you realized you owned cows.
• Leo Strauss: There is no truth. There is no god. But you should tell your cows that both truth and god exist so you can control them.
• Louis XIV: La vache, c'est moi!
• Louis XV: Après moi, la vache!
• Mao Zedong: All power grows out of a milking machine teatcup.
• Mencius: You are lactose intolerant and sell your cows to northern barbarians.
• Michael Oakeshott: You have two cows. You claim plans to get more are Utopian schemes.
• Michel Foucault: You have no cows. Owning cows is a technology of power.
• Niccolo Machiavelli: You have two cows. You eat hamburgers in front of them because it is better to be feared than loved.
• Niccolo Machiavelli (alternate): Despite popular opinion, you do not have two power-hungry cows; you actually have two parodies of power-hungry cows. Your cows continue to be misunderstood long after your death.
• Thomas Hobbes: You haveth two cows. They are nasty, brutish and short. Accordingly, as when the Israelite army of Moses captured the Midianite women and children and seized their cattle and flocks and all their wealth as plunder, the particulars of BOVINE liberty lieth only in the dominion of your Commonwealth.

## General philosophy

• Absurdism: You have two cows. If you cannot come to terms with the fact that having two cows is absurd, you will never live a full life.
• Anarchism: You have two cows, but you don't milk them. Instead, you let them roam free, knowing that when they finally opt to milk themselves, it will be sweeter than it would be if you took it by coercive means.
• Capitalism (in theory): You have two cows. You sell one and use the profits to buy a bull. You mate the bull and cow to produce more cows and thus more milk. You use these healthy profits to make the world better and retire with a smile on your face.
• Capitalism (in practice): You have two cows. You milk them to death and use the profits to buy cheaper cows from abroad. You increase profits by finding even cheaper cows. You retire before anyone realises that this really isn't sustainable.
• Communism (in theory): You have two cows. You share the milk with your neighbors.
• Communism (in practice): The government gives you two cows to milk. You milk the cows and the milk goes to a milk depository. You wait in line for 3 hours to get it. It tastes sour.
• Cynicism: Cows? I have no need for cows. Now leave me be.
• Existentialism: You have two cows. The cows don't really mean anything, maaaan, but they do if you want them to mean something.
• Idealism: You have two cows, but they're really just figments of your imagination.
• Libertarianism:
• You have two cows. You have a gun to stop the government taking your cows away in breach of your natural rights.
• I have two cows. What I do with my cows is none of your damn business.
• Nihilism: You have two cows. It doesn't matter if you have no cows or a billion. Give up on the cows already.
• Objectivism: You have two cows. When your neighbors come to ask you to donate some milk to charity, you make a 90-page speech, set both cows on fire and move to Colorado.
• Pyrrhonism: You have two cows. But how do you know you have two cows?
• Rationalism: The method for milking cows can be logically derived.
• Social Darwinism: Cows ought to milk themselves. Whichever ones can't will die.
• Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes the extra milk you didn't need and distributes it across the population to ensure that no one is left lacking in milk.
• Surrealism: You have two fish. But the harpsichord cannot be green.

## Religion

• The Bible:
• Old Testament: In the beginning you had two cows. Now you have none because you failed to obey the farming regulations. But don't worry, you'll get two more sometime. Noah gets to have seven.
• New Testament: You have two cows. One bucket of their milk would feed five thousand people, but because it was turned into wine, it just gets them drunk. You tell everyone about it.
• Conservative Bible Project: Moses had two cows. (Note: This shows that capitalism is divinely ordained!)
• Buddhism: You have two spirits who are physically stuck in the animal realm, the realm of stupidity and prejudice. If they are good in this life, they will reincarnate as a human. If they are bad however, they will go to hell and become demons! If you treat your cows kindly with compassion you yourself will advance spiritually.
• Christianity:
• Christian Fundamentalism: You have two cows. Someone on conservative talk radio says all cows are female. You protest about lesbians in your farmyard.
• Liberal Christianity: You have two cows. It's inconvenient to you that one of them is a cow, so you "interpret" it to be some other kind of animal. It's convenient to you for the other one to be a cow, so you accept it as a cow.
• Deism: You have two cows, you've deduced this from your god-given reason. You think know all of the above in this section are complete idiotic. The below... well, They're quite alright. You have your disagreements with them, but... whatever.
• Hinduism: You have two cows. They are your sacred masters. Obey them.
• Islam: You have two cows. Milk production is Serious Fucking Business and you riot over the defamation of your cows by their mere mention in this blasphemous article.
• Judaism: You have two cows. Your neighbor, in a fit against Jews, killed your two cows in such a manner that they are no longer kosher. You take the meat to the market, and sell it for enough to buy seven new cows of better quality and you still have enough to move to an area surrounded by other people of the Jewish persuasion.
• Scientology:
• You have two cows. They do not produce milk, but if you spend $500,000 and audit them to clear their Thetans, they are guaranteed to start doing so eventually. • You had two cows, you sold one of them to pay for the original tech that promised to dynamise your money-making potential provided you give lots of money to L. Ron Hubbard. You sold the second cow to pay for a Hubbard-based investigation of why the original tech didn’t work. You sold the cow shed, milking apparatus and fields to pay for a revolutionised money making course guaranteed to work this time. Now you have no cows and are filing for bankruptcy but you still hope things will get better once you have enough cash to advance in the tech. • Free Zone: You have two cows, you bought what the Free Zone said was better tech than what David Miscavige supplies. The Free Zone tech didn't dynamise your money making potential but it wasn't ruinously expensive either. You still have two cows. • Shinto: You have two cows. If you treat them well, it would be appreciated, but you will anyway, because you are good. • Wicca: You have two cows. If you milk them, they will milk you back three times. • Zen: A monk had two cows. He asked the master Joshu, "Do cows have the Buddha-nature?" Joshu replied, "Moo." • Religion in general: I have two cows. No, I'm not going to show them to you. You have the burden of proof that I don't. By questioning their existence, you're persecuting me for my faith. ### Non-religion and parody religions • Atheism: You hear about two cows, but you haven't been presented with enough evidence of their existence to believe in them. • New Atheism: Your neighbor has two cows. He likes to perform a harmless good luck ritual before milking them and you always yell at him for it because there's no such thing as luck and religion is evil. Your neighbor and everybody else thinks you're a jerk. • Fundamentalist atheism: You wouldn't believe in the two cows even if whacked in the face with both cows and a gallon of milk. • Agnosticism: You don't know if there are two cows. • Ignosticism: You think people presume too much about what cows do and what milk tastes like. • Discordianism: You have two five sacred chaos. Fnord. • Pastafarianism: You have two meatballs. ## Countries • Australia: You have two cows, mate. They get eaten by a croc. • Canuckistan: • You have two cows/Vous avez deux vaches. • You have two cows, eh. You make cheese curds for poutine from their milk. You really don't like it when your cows are mistaken for American cows, hoser. • You have two cows, eh. The government takes one and gives it to Québec. You complain and wish Quebec would separate. • People's Republic of China: • You have two cows. All sources that suggest you have more than two cows have been blocked from public view due to their potentially corrosive effect on societal harmony. • China (Cultural Revolution version): You have two cows. The government declares they are "pigs" and launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbours starve. • Colombia: You have two cows sshhhhnnniiffffff But screw them, let's talk about how amazing I am... • Europe: • You have two cows. The European Union pays you not to milk them. • You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit). • Germany: You have two cows, but not enough lebensraum. So you go to war and kill some many of the neighbouring cows, but then more cows from other countries come, take your land away and take control over yours. But ultimately you are fine, just everybody else isn't from the debt crisis. • You have two cows. You engineer them so that they live for a hundred years, eat once a month and milk themselves. • Finland: • You have two cows. The first cow made rubber boots and the second developed an image problem. • You have ducks. Lots of ducks. In fact, you and everybody you know, are also ducks. • You have two cows that are backed by a full choir and symphony orchestra. • France: • You have two cows. You go on strike demanding three cows. • You have two cows. You use the milk to make 365 types of cheese. You write an existential novel about it. • Greece: • You have two cows. You tell everyone you have 20 cows. When people show up for milk, the cows burn down the barn, because they don't like getting milked. • You had two cows. You charge Angela Merkel of stealing them. • Italy: • You have two cows. Their leather jackets are stunning. • You have two cows but don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch. • Ireland: You had two cows but one moved to the US to go to grad school and the other drank itself to death. • Libya: You have 2 cows, they begin protesting so you call cows from neighboring pastures to kill them. • New Zealand/Wales: You have two cows. They're much less nervous than the sheep. • North Korea: • You have two cows, because of the benevolent wisdom of the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il un. • You have no cows, but you doctor a photo showing you with many cows. The US asks China to tell you to get rid of them. • Romania • You haf zree cows. Count dem, von, ha ha ha haa, two, ha ha haaa... • Neither you nor your cows trust one another. • Russia: • You have two cows. You count them and it turns out you have 12. You count them again and you have 52. You count them again and you have 6. You stop counting and open another vodka bottle. • Soviet Union: Two cows have you. • Soviet Union (Communism): You have two cows. The government takes all the milk. You steal back as much as you can and sell it on the black market. • Soviet Union (Perestroika): You have two cows. The mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much as you can and sell it on the "free" market. • South Africa: You have two cows, one white, one black. They get on famously whilst in the field, but back in the shed, they keep kicking each other's milk pails over. You buy milk from next door. • Spain: • You have two cows. You torture them for fun. • You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You decide to go to the bar and have a good coffee cup. What the hell. • Switzerland: • You have 500 cows, but none of them are yours. Others pay you for taking care of them. • Someone else bred a goat that could produce better milk than your cows at a vastly lower cost. To avoid ruin, you rebranded your cows' milk as a hideously expensive luxury item. • United Kingdom: • You have two cows. Milking is boring, so you hire someone from the next farm to milk them for you. You complain about people coming to your farm and doing your job. • You have two cows. They are mad. • You have two cows. They're actually horses. You don't notice. • United States: • You have two cows. They are in Mexico. • You have two cows, due to all the fast food and lack of exercise, you almost weigh the same as the two cows. • You have two large mammals that do nothing but eat, poo and make loud moaning noises, you also have two cows. • Zimbabwe: • You had two cows. And a farm. And an economy. But seeing as you're just another lousy settler, be lucky you still have your life. • You had more and more cows, producing less and less milk, until eventually your hundred trillion cows produced as much milk as one of anyone else's cows. Eventually, you got rid of your cows, which are now sold as novelties on eBay. ## American politics ### Presidents • George Washington • (as written by a Brit): You have two cows. Your landlord takes some of the milk in return for protecting you from his neighbour. You throw him off your farm. You take other farmers' milk in return for protecting them from the landlord. • (as written by an American): You have two cows. Your landlord tries to take your cows, without allowing you any say whatsoever. You throw him off your farm after a protracted battle. All men are equal now, except cows. • (as written by the French): You have two cows. You wouldn't have had them without us saving your arses. • Thomas Jefferson: You have two cows. You buy a shitload more from the French. • James Buchanan: You have two cows. One attacks the other, but you can't find a legal justification for putting down the crazed cow. • Abraham Lincoln: You have two free range white cows, and two black cows in a factory farm. You free the black cows from the factory farm to get your farmhands to stop fighting. One of your farmhands assassinates you for this. • Woodrow Wilson: You have two cows. You promise not to draft them, but you do it anyway. • Warren G. Harding: You have two cows. You play poker while your friends sell off your milk and cows behind your back. • Franklin Roosevelt: You save an entire dairy full of cows from starvation and attack by coyotes. American conservatives ignore you and worship Winston Churchill. • Franklin Roosevelt (Republican version): You have two cows. You shoot one, buy milk from the other cow, and then pour the milk down the drain. • Dwight Eisenhower: You start off with two cows, then your neighbor gets another one, so you get two more. This continues until you have millions of cows. Also, these cows can blow up the world. You warn future generations about the dangers of the mili-dairy/industrial complex. • John F. Kennedy: I believe that this farm should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a cow on the moon and returning her safely to the earth. • Richard Nixon: • You illegally occupy a cattle ranch and begin killing the livestock. You promise to vacate it but instead occupy another cattle ranch and begin killing its livestock. • Why the hell did you think cowfucking was a good idea, Dick? • Jimmy Carter: You spend your time trying to keep other cows from fighting, and by building barns. Everyone complains that you didn't do it fast enough. • Ronald Reagan: • If you had two cows when he took over the ranch, you still have two cows. If you had no cows, you still don't have any. But if you had ten cows, you now have a thousand. • You have two cows. Both of them endlessly worship you. The rest of the world laughs. • George H.W. Bush • You have two cows. Even they think you lack charisma. • "Read my lips: We won't collect new cows or milk from you." • Bill Clinton: You had one cow. That wasn't enough for you, so you got a second cow. You lived to regret that, and are back to just the first one. It is widely suspected you are both allowed to see other cows. • George W. Bush: A coyote attacks and kills one of your three cows. Eighteen months later you react by ordering your two cows to invade the chicken coop. • Barack Obama: • You have two cows that fight constantly. You keep trying to get them to play nice but eventually realize that the one in the right stall of the barn is rabid. So you ignore it and shoot the coyote that killed George W. Bush' third cow. • No one believes you actually own those two cows. There are consistent demands for the ownership certificate. When presented, they demand the original, long-form version. • You inherited two cows from George W. Bush, and you treat them in essentially the same way that he did. However, they are convinced that you treat them in just the opposite of the way he treated them. One of them loves you for it, while the other passionately hates you for it. ### Other political figures • Al Gore: You have two cows. You keep telling them about the dangers of global warming, but they make jokes about your private jet. • Al Gore (alternate): You had two cows, and a newborn calf. Dubya just had two cows. Despite that, the Supreme Court said he got to run the ranch. • Alan Greenspan: You have a printing press that creates cows. You print tons of cows for everyone, then wonder why there are no pastures left. • Bobby Jindal: You have two cows. You promise not to milk them. The government gives you milk once. Rather than milking your cows to buy hay, you let them starve. The cows move to Vermont. • Ben Bernanke: You have two cows. One is sick. You tell the other cow that disease is safely contained. • Clarence Thomas: You have two cows. You cannot find any mention of cows in the Constitution, so you get rid of them. • Dan Quayle: You have two cowes. • Dinesh D'Souza: You are a castrated Brahma bull. You hate yourself not because you lack a scrotum but because you are not the WASP who owns the farm. • Dick Cheney: You have two cows. You shoot one in the face and it apologizes to you. • Donald Rumsfeld: You have two cows. But there are also cows that you know you don't have and cows that you don't know you don't have, so you have to go to war with the cows you do have. • Glenn Beck: You had two cows. They were stolen by a Soros-sponsored conspiracy. You want to take them back. • Hillary Clinton: You very nearly owned two cows, but you're happy to carry the milk. • John Birch Society: You have two cows. You killed one because it was a commie. • John McCain: You might have had two cows if not for the whisper campaign about an illegitimate black calf. And Caribou Barbie. • Marion Barry: You used to have eight cows. After you burned the barn nearly to the ground, seven ran off. The eighth thinks that you can do no wrong, even as you try to set fire to the barn again. • Michael Bloomberg: You tax your two cows to ensure their well-being, then support George Bush. • Mitch McConnell: The Democrats have two cows. You filibuster every time they try to get milk. • Occupy Wall Street: You have two cows. You try to make the other farmers who have two cows aware that some farmers have 198 cows....and all of your milk. • Phil Gramm: You have two cows. You legalize hunting on private property and then tell the cows to shut up when they get shot. • Ralph Nader: They have two cows. If you had only kept them out of the fucking cattle judging competition, we might have had better cows than we ended up with. • Ron Paul: You have two cows. You worry that they are worth less and less against the value of gold every day. • Rudolph Giuliani: You have two cows, but whenever you get the chance you bring up the cow that was killed on 9/11. • Sarah Palin: You have two cows. You milk one for five minutes, then give up because it's too hard, after which you collect a$50,000 speaking fee to tell your story.
• Tea Party: The government gives you two cows. Then you yell "Keep your gummint hands off my cows!"
• Typical Maryland politician: You have two cows. You give all of the milk to only one of your children, who has always been your favorite. You beat your cows regularly and then seem genuinely surprised when they run away to Virginia.

## International Politics

• Martin McGuinness: You have two cows. Neither of them were there when it happened.
• Silvio Berlusconi: You have two orange cows. One of them is called Bunga. The other one is also called Bunga.
• Stephen Harper: You have two cows. They are now drenched in tar.

## British politics

• Alec Douglas-Home: You have two cows, although almost nobody remembers this. You pronounce the word as "coo."
• David Cameron: You have two cows. One of them has a blue rosette and thinks it's a bull. The other much smaller cow thinks it's in charge, but really just follows the big one around looking confused.
• Gordon Brown: You had six cows. You examine your five cows and find that your four cows need a bit of a wash. You take these three cows but find that your two cows don't meet the right economic criteria. Your last cow finds itself in quite a predicament.
• John Profumo: It just looks bad that both you and the senior Soviet Naval Attache are milking the same heifer.
• Margaret Thatcher: You don't need cows. You just take the milk.
• Nick Clegg: You have no cows. You get yourself a cow in exchange for all the milk it produces.
• Nick Griffin: You have two cows that can trace their ancestry back to cows owned by William the Conqueror. You fail to see the point when people tell you to send your cows back to France.
• Nigel Farage: You have two cows and don't want them to be part of the EU.
• Oswald Mosley: You have a very small, mentally disturbed cow that loves you intensely.
• Tony Blair: You have two cows. Based on faulty intelligence, you send both of them to fight in Iraq.
• Winston Churchill (obvious joke): You have two cows. You shall milk them on the beaches, you shall milk them on the landing grounds, you shall milk them in the fields and in the streets, you shall milk them in the hills...
• Winston Churchill (dark satire): You starved to death 3 million cows in Bengal in 1943. None of your biographers ever mention this.

## British figures

• Alan Sugar: You have had a multitude of cows. They weren't great milkers and not one of them has ever won a rosette. And yet this hasn't stopped you from being seen as one of the most successful British farmers around.
• David Attenborough: You have two cows. They feel left out because you seem to want to spend your time with all the wild party animals instead of the animals you have at home.
• Michael Caine:
• You have have two cows. Not a lot of people know that.
• You have two cows. It gave the Zulus the edge they needed in the Director's Cut.
• Pythonism: Your mother was a cow and your father smelt of elderberries.
• Ricky Gervais: You have two cows. Both are over-milked and neither produce milk that is anywhere near as good as they were before.
• Sherlock Holmes: You have two cows. You deduce that in all probability they have spent a lot of time in a field eating grass and chewing cud. When asked how you know this you point out that they are cows, and more specifically your cows. You then take some cocaine and play the violin.
• Stephen Fry: You have two cows. You'll probably end up doing a documentary about them.

## The innertubes

• 4chan: You have OVER 9000 COWS and they're all newfags. For the lulz.
• /b/: You have two cows, one is a newfag the other is an oldfag. The oldfag gets v& for CP
• 7chan: Damn, this cowgirl thread is still here?
• Citizendium:
• Before the Charter: You have ten cows. You give one of the cows complete control over the milk production. You'll definitely get some milk when the Charter's done, for sure.
• After the Charter: You have thirty cows. Most of them tell each other how much milk to produce. You don't get any milk.
• Conservapedia: You have no cows. All of them have been rangeblocked from the pasture.
• Andrew Schlafly: You have two cows. One cow starts a blog encyclopedia to protest the atheistic public schools pushing the homosexual agenda, using classroom prayer as the arguement in mostly everything. The other cows send amicus briefs about why physicians should have guns and why the letter by one Framer matters in recall of a senator while the opinions from the rest of the Framers does not.
• Ken DeMyer: You have two cows. One is hugely fat, the other has no machismo. Atheists have sex with both of them.
• Ed Poor: You have.
• Cracked: Fuck cows, I'd rather have Teddy Roosevelt.
• Craigslist: i have 2 cows i need to sell asap they don't seem to make milk but maybe you will have beter luck with that. if your interested contact me i am asking 100$each OBO. [it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests] • DeviantArt: You have two cows and someone's drawn pictures of them you'd rather not see. • Diaspora: you have two cows, but you can't go into the barn until you're invited. • DreamWidth: Your two cows are not canon and you should mark them as AU. • eBay: You have two cows. Both were an unwanted gift and are in almost new condition but you will only deliver to your local area. They have been viewed 142 times. • Facebook: You have two cows. They're in a "complicated" relationship and Mark Zuckerberg knows everything about their milk production. • New Facebook: You have two cows. You gain more cows and get the milk by inviting friends to join your cow milking game. • Old Facebook: You have four cows, but the pasture was so much cooler back when you only had two. • Fanfiction.net: You have two cows, both of which have color-changing eyes, natural blue highlights in their fur, have every superpower that exists, and get to hook up with Draco Malfoy. • Fivethirtyeight: You have two cows, a red cow and a blue cow. Our forecasting model indicates that after November you will have 1.07 red cows, .91 blue cows, and .02 independent cows. • Friends Reunited: You have two cows. Upon discovering this fact, you realise you aren't interested in milking either of them. • Furaffinity: You had two cow/rabbit/dragon/mew/renamon/lucario hybrid cubs in a bondage/rape/scat/hyper/mini/vore/lactation situation, but Dragoneer recently banned cub prons due to financial crap so now you don't have them. • Geocities: You have two poorly animated .gifs of cows. They got deleted when Yahoo decided your cows sucked. • Google: It was predicted that you have two cows. It took 0.37 seconds to determine that you had two cows and that about 2,420,000 results would interest you. But you've let Google know that you've got two cows. • LessWrong: You don't really have two "cows", just collections of atoms that are bonded together in a form to which your Bayesian mind and prior biases ascribe the word "cow". • Eliezer Yudkowsky: You have two cows. You refuse to milk them until they admit their prior biases. • Lexicanum: In the grim darkness of the future, there are no cows. There is only war. • LiveJournal: You have two cows, as black as the angst in your soul. They are so off your friends list. • Memory Alpha: These are the moosings of the Starship "Pasteurise." Its mission: to explore strange new curds, and seek out new lactations. To boldly swallow what no man has swallowed before. • Myspace: • You have two cows. They're bright purple and green rather than black and white, and they produce milk automatically as soon as you see them. • Wait, Myspace has cows? • NaturalNews: Big Pharma is making your cows sick. Buy homeopathic remedies instead. • Rapture Ready: You have two cows. You don't need to milk them, because Jesus will take you away so soon you won't have time to drink milk. • Reddit: You have two cows. One is jacking off to /r/cowsgonewild, the other is circlemilking for upvotes. • Rotten.com: You have two cows. Well, actually they're just photos of cows that have been run over by a steamroller. • Snopes: Two cows? I must have more. • Something Awful: You thought you had two cows, but it turns out they were actually furries. • A Storehouse of Knowledge: You have two cows. But you can't milk them because CMI says the Bible says they don't produce milk. • Philip J. Rayment: you have - I never said I had anything. You are committing the your theory doesn't work under my theory fallacy by insisting that is true. two - non-sequiter cows - creationists are real scientists and have been published in peer reviewed journals writing about the cow baramin. • Time Cube: YOU THINK HAVE TWO COWS BUT EACH COW IS FOUR PARTS OF FOUR SIMULTANEOUS COWS. THE COWS PRODUCE NO MILK AS MILK IS NOT PART OF CUBE TRUTH, THE ONLY TRUTH. There is but ONE path to milk and that is to forsake the EVIL of the COW LIE which the in farmer milk the cows when only the COWS can produce milk, NOT farmer. IF THE FARMER COMES TO MILK THE COWS I WILL KILL THE BASTARD MYSELF. • Tumblr- You have two cows, but NEITHER OF THEM CAN HOLD ALL YOUR FEELS. • TV Tropes: Averted in Neon Genesis Evangelion, which has no cows at all. But the fanfic This Troper wrote have all the cows you want, according to Word Of God. • Twitter: @cowfan u have 2 cows u make sure 2 let ur followers know their situation every 20 sec or so. bit.ly/9DP1Zq #Milking • Uncyclopedia: You have two silicon-based mammoth simulacra which, surprisingly, resemble cows. One gets roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, and the other goes back in time to the year 456854 BCE to stop Oscar Wilde from being born. • Wandalism: You have OMGZLOL!!!! GAYZORDS!!! two cows. • Wikipedia: • You have 3 million cows.[citation needed] Somehow, it all works out just fine. See WP:COW • You have two cows. This joke is a stub. You can help by expanding it. • You have two cows. A new editor shows up at the article about your farm and claims to have seen a photograph of your place with only one cow in it. You explain the other cow was out of the frame, but this does not satisfy him. You get affidavits from your neighbors attesting that you have two cows, but he's still unimpressed. Next you request a third opinion, and other Wikipedians show up at the page. They point out that you have a WP:COI, since you're writing about your farm. Eventually, a "Minority Views" section is added to the article noting that the number of cows you own is a matter of controversy. By this time you've either retired or been banned from Wikipedia and are spending more time on your farm with your two cows. • Wookiepedia: You have two cows. Sadly you have no life but you do have Star Wars, so that's more than enough compensation. • WorldNetDaily: You have two cows. You only milk one because the other was born in Kenya. • YouTube: You have two cows. One of them water skis. • These cows have been removed due to a copyright claim by Bos primigenius. Sorry about that. • That Guy With The Glasses: You have 200 cows. All the other cows wish you had them, too. • The Nostalgia Critic: You have had two cows since you were a child. They were a lot more fun back then. • Atop The Fourth Wall: You had two cows, but through extraordinary circumstances you now have eight cows and a spaceship. • The Spoony Experiment: You have two cows. They hate you, but still give you enough milk to pay the bills. • Todd in the Shadows: You have two farm animals which may be cows, but being sure would ruin the fun. • Brows Held High: You have two cows. They lactate perfume and might be allegories of Hitler. • Obscurus Lupa Presents: You have two cows. One of them is a were-cow and the other is a martial artist. • Diamanda Hagan: You have two cows. You kill them for pleasure, then clone more cows. • Busy Street: You have no cows. Everybody who has co ## Operating systems • ASCII: 59 6F 75 20 68 97 76 65 20 74 77 6F 20 63 6F 77 73 • DOS: C:\Cow; C:\Cow\Run; Run\Cow\Run! • HACMP: You have two cows. If one dies then the other produces its milk. • Windows: You have two cows. Occasionally, they refuse to produce milk, for no explicable reason. Your fences can't keep cattle rustlers away unless you fix them twice a day. Occasionally, one of your cows explodes and covers the pasture with blue hamburger. Killing a cow and bringing it back to life usually resolves your problems. • Macintosh: You have two very elegant and incredibly expensive cows. The milk is beautiful and five years more less advanced than any other milk out there. Because of this, you are an insufferable jerk about cattle. You have to kill your cow to buy a completely new one when it stops producing milk. • Apple (old school): You have ][ cows. • Linux: You have two penguins cows that are incredibly productive, but only people with degrees in animal husbandry can get any milk out of them. • Lisp machines: You used to have two cows, but those fools didn't understand their value and they starved. You talk about what great cows they were constantly. • Spectrum 48K: LET COW = 2. You produced excellent milk. You also got extremely hot and bounced when dropped. • Spectrum +2/+3: You purchased two extremely successful cows. You then proceed to run them into the ground. • Texas Instruments TI99/4A: 100 FOR X=1 TO 2 110 LET Y=X-1 120 CALL CHAR(1,Y*8+1,02061AEFA2E32121) 130 NEXT X RUN • VMWare: You only actually have one cow but it appears as two. ## Television and film • 24: You have two cows but they will only give milk if you torture them. • Ancient Aliens: Humans have often believed that you have two cows. But is it possible that those two cows actually descended from aliens? Ancient astronaut theorists seem to suggest that the ancient texts were not referring to cows, but, rather, to aliens. • Babylon 5: You have two cows, but the Shadows promise you more if you wipe out the Narn. President Clark declares martial law and you have to mutiny against Earth to save the cows. • Batman: You had two cows, but they were made into hamburger in front of your very eyes. You have devoted your life to an obsessive crusade against rustling. • Battlestar Galactica (2003-2009 remake): You have two cows. You have suspicions that the 2nd cow isn't actually a cow, but a Cylon agent. • Beast Wars: You have two cows. They change into robots and fight to the death. • Beavis and Butthead: Heh heh. He said cows. Heh heh. This list sucks. Heh heh. • Boardwalk Empire: You have two cows. One of them is involved with a whisky-smuggling operation, and helps distribute booze to the other farms. • A Clockwork Orange: You have two cows: a real horrorshow moodge and his droog, a gromky molody malchik. They make up their rossoodocks to skvat the first dama they viddy for a bit of the old in-out in-out. • Countdown with Keith Olbermann: You have the two worst cows in the world. • Dallas: You have two cows. One of them gets shot. But it all was a dream. • Daria: You and your kid sister each have a cow. Your kid sister cannot keep up with the demand for her cow's milk, while your cow's milk has a small cult following. • Dawson's Creek: You have two cows. Everytime they touch you analyze what it means for their future relationship. • Deadliest Catch: You have two cows that somehow were in the crab pot you just pulled out of the water. You suspect a practical joke by another ship. You plot revenge. • Doctor Who: (old school): You have two cows. One twists her ankle and screams, the other one tries to take over the world. • Doctor Who (new school): • You have two cows. One loves you, but you know it just won't work. The other one tries to take over the world. • You have two cows now. Cows are cool. • Eureka: You have two cows. They are both genetically manipulated and financed by a company that is state funded and located in a town that shouldn't exist. • Firefly: You have two cows that produce pretty good milk. Fox pisses in the milk, forgets to put it in the fridge and spills most of it on the floor. • You have two cows. One of them is violent terrorist for no real reason. The other is the bad guy, who is actually right. • Friends: You have two blindingly white cows. They have an extremely long-running on and off relationship instead of actually producing any milk. • Futurama: • Bite my shiny bovine udder! • Wait, this milk actually tastes like shi-ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOBULL • Yeah, well, I'm going to go build my own cow ranch! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the cow ranch and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing... • Game of Thrones: • You have two cows. You used to have six, but the albino wanted to go to the Wall, two wandered into a lion cage (You know one cow is still alive in the cage, you think the lions ate the other), and a fourth cow went to go kill the lions. • Cows are coming! • You have two cows. You will kill the most likable and heroic one off when the other one least expects it. • You have two cows. They will only produce milk if they can watch two prostitutes having sex at the same time. • Haven: You have two cows. They are both "troubled." • The History Channel: You had two cows, but they were both mutilated by alien astronauts in UFOs who look like Hitler, were prophesied by Nostradamus and left crop circles. • House: You are told by an extraordinarily obnoxious genius that you have two incredibly rare cows at the same time. • Highlander: You have two cows. There can be only one. • Labyrinth: You have two cows, but you're too distracted to see them because of David Bowie's crotch. • Law & Order: You have two separate yet equally important cows: the policecow who investigates crime and the district attorney cow who prosecutes the offenders. These are their stories. Moo-moo! • Lost: You have two cows, and three thousand theories about what they mean. You can't figure out what to do with the cows, so you just tell everyone they represent LOVE. • The Matrix: You have two cows, but as the cows don't really exist, you only have to milk yourself. • Monk: You have two cows. But you wish you had ten. Their markings are horrifically uneven, they smell, and they poop all over. You suspect one of them might have had a role in a recent crime. • My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: You have two cows. They are pink, sparkly, and popular among angry teenage males. • MythBusters: You have two cows. You test whether people buy the cow when they can get the milk for free. In the end, you blow up the cows. • Nikita: You have two cows, you use them to harm your ex-employee in any way possible until they turn against you. • Pinky and the Brain: You have two cows. They do the same thing they do every night: try to take over the world! • Sesame Street: This show was brought to you by the letters C, O, W, and S, and by the number 2. • Seinfeld: This is a joke about nothing. No cows, no milking. • The Simpsons: • You don't have a cow, man! • Mmm, cows. • The Sopranos: You have two cows you got by whacking a farmer. • The Sopranos (finale): You have two c • Spiderman: You have two cows. They bite you. You produce ten gallons of milk a day. • Stargate Universe:You have two cows, that apparently provide the best milk ever. If you wait for 2 years. You wait, and then as you hook them up to the milking machine, both cows die. • Star Trek • The Original Series: • You find a planet with two cows. Kirk ends up having sex with one of them. • "What are those things, Spock?" "They're cows, Jim, but not as we know it." • "Dammit Scotty, I need more milk" "I cannae break the laws of lactation, Captain!" • "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian." • The Next Generation: • You find a planet with two cows. The Prime Directive prohibits you from trying to improve milk production. • You think you have two cows, but it's really just Q playing another elaborate trick on you. • Deep Space Nine: You have several dozen cows all of different breeds. They refuse to get along and no one gets any milk. • Voyager: When a pair of mysterious trans-phasic bovine entities spontaneously appear in the warp core, you are forced to eject it - but after they take control of holodeck and create an unsettlingly idyllic pasture, you must think of a deus ex machina ending to the episode as soon as possible! • Enterprise: You have two cows. The executives running your farm do all sorts of weird shit to get them to produce milk. Then they kill the cows just as they start producing milk. • Star Trek (rebooted film series): You have two very familiar looking cows, except they're younger and have more sex. • Star Wars (original trilogy): You have two cows. You learn that one is your father, and the other is your sister. • Star Wars (prequel trilogy): You have two computer generated cows. You keep the merchandising rights for the milk and sleep at night on a mattress filled with money. • Top Chef: You have two cows. You have 3 hours to turn them into a 6 course meal. • Torchwood: You have two cows. You must protect them from the butcher who comes to Cardiff through the time rift while still finding the time to have sex with all of the other cattle ranchers. And their cows. • True Blood: You have two cows. One of them is normal, the other one is a vampire-cow. • Twilight: You have two cows. One sparkles in the daylight and never has sex. The other one curiously resembles the woman who sold them in the first place. • Twin Peaks: You have two cows. They are not what they seem. • The Vampire Diaries: You have two cows. They are both killed off to move the plot forward. • Weeds: You have two calves that you save from every possible threatening ethnic folk devil and corrupt authority figure. • The Wire: You have two cows. Their lives are a brutal portrayal of life on the margins in post-industrial America. ### Film directors • Christopher Nolan: You are dreaming about two cows. Are they real? We're not sure, but thousands of pages on the internet will be written about them. • David Lynch: • A strange-looking man walks up to you and tells you that you will receive two cows. The cows arrive, only one of them appears to be a hideously deformed chicken. Upon attempting to milk the deformed chicken/cow, you find yourself in a parallel reality where you're not a farmer at all, but instead a failed actor who's making ends meet by doing dwarf porn. After a series of downright bizarre occurrences, the strange-looking man reappears, knowing who you really are, and shoots you. • You have one cow. You take it with you to a street corner in Hollywood to promote your new film. • George Lucas: • You once had two interesting and beloved cows. You have milked them to death. • You have two cows. Both of them want to poison you in your sleep. • James Cameron: You have two cows. They look absolutely amazing, but take eight years to produce ordinary milk. • Ishiro Honda: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. • Lars von Trier: You have two cows. They can only be milked if the conditions for absolute realism are met and they are as depressed as possible. • Leni Riefenstahl: You have two cows that adore Hitler. You can't understand why this upsets people. • M. Night Shyamalan: You have one cow. It can see dead cows. The first glass of milk it produces is pretty good; all the ones after it suck. • Michael Bay: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. • Michael Moore: You had two cows. Until George W. Bush was elected, they gave chocolate milk. Now, they just give oil, and Halliburton buys it very cheap. • Oliver Stone: You have two cows. One killed JFK, the other fought in Vietnam and was changed forever by the experience. • Quentin Tarantino: You have two cows. Their milk is seen before they are milked, they perform acts of extreme violence to other cows whilst having mundane conversations. The white one uses the word "nigger" a lot. • Roger Corman: You have two cows. They are ten feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. • Roland Emmerich: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. • Russ Meyer: You have two cows. They have huge udders. • Sergei Eisenstein: You have two cows, and you film them walking down a hill, chasing one of their calves. Every other cattle rancher copies you. • Sergio Leone: The two cows stare intensely at each other to a Morricone soundtrack. Then one cow shoots the other cow. • Stanley Kubrick: One cow is viewed in a long, wide shot. Slowly panning right, to ominous music against a huge open backdrop, a second cow comes into view. • Stephen Spielberg: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. Eventually, one of them learns the true meaning of love. • Woody Allen: • You have two cows. They both live lives of angst-ridden loneliness in New York, until a chance encounter brings them together. Milk ensues. • You have two cows. One of them adopts a Chinese child. The other one has an affair with the child. • Zhang Yimou: You have two cows. One of them is so beautiful that the hardship and adversity experienced by all on the farm is OK. • Luc Besson:You steal two cows, but the farmer lets you keep one if you do his dirty work. ## Authors #### Science fiction and fantasy • André Norton: You have two cows. One of them is an alienated outsider who turns out to save the day. • Anne McCaffrey: • You have two cows. That fly and breathe fire. They appear in four hundred sequels. • You have two cows. And if anyone writes fan-fiction about them, you will sue. • Arkady and Boris Strugatsky: You could have all the cows you want, but you're not morally ready to milk them. • Arthur C. Clarke: A large black monolith appears and then you have two cows. • Brian Aldiss: You have owned many different cows, each one the latest most popular cow breed. • Christopher Paolini: You have three cows. They all look exactly like George Lucas' cows, but in a different setting. • C.S. Lewis: You have two cows. One of them is Jesus. Maybe. • Douglas Adams: You have 42 cows. • David Brin: You have two cows. The original is organic and lazy while the copy made of intelligent clay resents its mortality but still produces clay milk. • Dean R. Koontz: You have two cows. One has been genetically altered by a shadowy government agency. The other is a Vietnam vet who drives a Ford Explorer and has fallen in love with a pretty, independent young woman with auburn hair. Together with her son and super genius dog you delve into unspeakable horrors and are chased by agents. • Edwin A. Abbott: You and the unknown number of cows you own are too irregular to be allowed entrance to the theatre. • Frank Herbert: You have two cows. They are eaten by Shai Hulud. • Brian Herbert: Because your father had two excellent cows, you and a friend sell loads of bullshit. • George R. R. Martin: You have four cows. You promised to only get three. You look closely and realise that they are in fact only three-and-a-half cows. You have promised that the other half-a-cow will turn up, but won't say when. You've also promised to get another two cows after that but might die of old age before they arrive. Good milk though. • Harry Harrison: Your dairy suffers a Mathusian catastrophe. When the tragedy is adapted to film audiences remember only one line: "Big Macs are people!" • Harry Turtledove Hitler had three cows, not two. Because of this, World War II changes completely. • H.P. Lovecraft: You have two Elder Cows from beyond time and space. They will eventually rise up from their pasture and devour the human race. You go mad contemplating this. • Isaac Asimov: • One of your two cows is a disguised robot. No one is on drugs. • You have two cows, but they're about to die. You engineer a complex plan to get some new cows in a few centuries. • James Tiptree, Jr.: Your bull is only pretending to be a bull. • Jasper Fforde: You have two cows. One is used to carried past tenses, the other is a homicidal Minotaur, aka Norman Johnson. • J. K. Rowling: You have two cows. One of them kills Dumbledore. • John Ringo: You have two cows. They are both Republicans into BDSM. The Aliens invade, and your cows turn into Nazis save everyone except for environmentalists and the UN. • John Scalzi: You have two cows that keep making snarky comments about the obvious similarity between Orson Scott Card's cows and Robert A. Heinlein's cows, despite the fact your own cows look like Heinlein's, too. • J.R.R. Tolkien: • You have two cows. One of them is descended from Turgon, son of Fingolfin, son of Finwë, and dwelt in the hidden city of Gondolin, that in Quenya is called Ondolindë, which is The Rock of the Music of the Water. The other is the daughter of.... etc • You have two cows. You stole them both from Richard Wagner. • Karin Boye: You give your one lonely cow injections of truth serum to make it confess to crimes it did not commit. • Margaret Atwood: You have two milk cows. Being female, they suffer. • Mervyn Peake: You have two cows. Bits are falling off and they are always falling into an incontinent sleep. • Norman Spinrad: You and your cows are on drugs. • Orson Scott Card: • You have two cows that look almost exactly like Robert A. Heinlein's two cows, except that they're Mormon. • You have two cows. The paddock door is down. • Philip K. Dick: You and your two cows discover you are actually robots. Robots on drugs. • R.A. Lafferty: You have two cows, which those men who see clearer than the rest call goats. But those crystal-eyed men are more right than they know, and less. But ah, the milk! • Robert A. Heinlein (pre-dirty old man days): You are a very intelligent young man who has two cows. You and them get on a rocket for Venus where you become wealthy selling milk to the settlers. • Robert A. Heinlein (post-dirty old man days): You have two cows. You genetically engineer a human crossbreed with one of them, so you can have sex with it, and still get free milk. • Robert Asprin: You go on zany but fun adventures through multiple dimensions with two cows. One cow makes puns about a dimension you haven't visited yet, the other cow gives you a long lecture on how to improve your life. • Robert Jordan: You have two cows. You told your milk customers you'd stop after producing ten gallons. You've produced fifteen, and will produce more, despite being dead. • Robert Rankin: You have two cows. One is dwarf-like, possibly Welsh and you own the other because it's a tradition, or an old charter, or something. • Spider Robinson: You have two cows that look almost exactly like Robert A. Heinlein's two cows, except they smoke dope. • Stan Lee: You have two cows. Not only is one of them a web-spinner, it's also a money spinner. And it may have fornicated with Jack Kirby's wife. • Stephen Donaldson: You have two cows, but they turned out to be allegorical. And it doesn't matter anyway, because you're a leper. Bloody Hell! • Stephen King: • You have two cows, in Maine. They develop mad cow disease and try to kill you. • ...after at least 200 pages of flashbacks and tangents. • Stephenie Meyer: • You have two cows. Both die from brain trauma while you dream of engaging in bestiality with the neighbouring bull. • One cow is the clumsy, but intelligent, socially awkward girl who represents the daughter you never had. The other is the handsome, perfect and sparkly stalker man of your dreams that you'll never have. • Terry Pratchett: • You have two cows. You read about them to your son every night at six-o-clock. • You had two cows, intoned Death. • You have two cows. One cow is white and dances with bells and music to kill Winter and bring in Summer. The other is black and dances in silence to kill Summer and bring in Winter. ### Literature • Alcman: Thou hast two cows who are like horses,/dancing in the chorus and expressing sapphic affection. • Aldous Huxley: You have five cows, named Alpha through Epsilon. They give you an excuse to rail against modernity. • Ann Bannon: You have two cows. They share a love that dare not speak its name. • Archolochus: He is a lord of cow-rearing Lelantus/Who spent two cows to fuck my fiancee Neobule/Who is the sluttish daughter of Lykambes whom all mock. • Aristophanes: You have two absolutely hilarious and fantastical cows, but they're only funny if you know a lot about about Greek History, so they're difficult to recommend. • Carl Sagan: You had billions and billions of cows, made of stardust. • Charles Bukowski: You have two cows. What the fuck are you doing with two fucking cows? Fuck the cows, trade them for two bottles of fucking rye. • Charles Dickens: In the village of Gower-upon-Frome, a nearly unknown hamlet in the midst of Dorset, you had two cows - and no common cows, but cows of such merit and breeding that the very sight of such beasts would cause a mere passer-by to acclaim their quality without prompt nor inquiry to any man, be he of strict consequence or not, stating that without a doubt, this pair of cows was amongst the finest ever to trod the grim pastures of southern Albion. As a verification of this seemingly remarkable claim, one need only approach the man known to his compatriots simply as 'Old Frimm', the farrier of Gower-upon-Frome, who from his youth was so acquainted with cows that one might remark that husbandry of these creatures ran through his blood, having been reared among them during his formative years in the farmlands of Northumbria, whence he learnt of their most intimate nature, and would attest to their superlative status not merely of his own testimony, but would swear that even the most docile of men would affirm this claim: the sort of man who, upon finding himself lost in the dismal alleys of Knightbridge in the dreary evenings following Michaelmass when the fog settled heavily upon the city, would not ask the kindly old man in the tobacconist to point him in the proper direction, but rather from a meek disposition would wander the streets of London until he happened upon that familiar lamp-post or cobblestone way that would point him toward Charing Cross, and from there back to his native abode wherein his meager bowl of porridge awaited him (by now long since cold) - yes even such longanimous man as this would, given the opportunity, proudly and with prestigious spirit proclaim before the House of Lords that these two cows were the paragon of virtue and indeed amongst the most beneficent in all the land. • Chaucer: Thou hast two cowes, blisful matir for to seke, Thy cowes art but a milde wight and meke. • Chuck Palahniuk: You have two cows, but they're actually both the same cow. • David Mamet: You, you have... I see that you have I see that you have two... two... fucking cows here... you, you fucking have... you have two - two cows! • Dylan Thomas You have two cows, they are both black - Bible black - and moo like Richard Burton. They give llakcuf milk. • e e cummings: you have cows two. one writes and the other is reincarnated • Ernest Hemingway: For Sale: Two Cows, Never Milked. • Franz Kafka: You have two cows. You feel guilty, but you have no clue why. • Gabriel Garcia Marquez:In a place where blue streams stretch across the land like serpents, not long after creation, two cows chew on enormous green grass beside a river. One day, from somewhere in the far reaches of the world a bull comes. One cow, named Jose Maria, immediately falls in love with the bull, but never speaks of her love for him. The other cow, also named Jose Maria, becomes immediately jealous on learning her sister's affection and descends into madness. Eventually the bull and cow confess their love or each other, have spectacular South American Sex when the bull is mysteriously killed in incredible fashion by lightning in the shape of a fist. His blood seeps into the grass and forms an enormous pool. Any passing over head that day might have said it resembled a dove. • George Orwell: You have two cows. One is sent to feed the soldiers on the Malabar front. Your cow ration has been raised to one. • Homer: • You have τοὺς βοῦς. They were plunder from Agamemnon's conquest, that long struggle which reduced the once-mighty walls of Troy to ash-covered etchings barely protruding from the foreign ground. As when a man sits beneath a tree thinking of adventures from times long ago, and a leaf falls and catches his eye, so that he raises his gaze before falling back into his reminiscences, so chew the cows their cud. • You have two cows. They're both legen-dairy. • Hunter S. Thompson: You were somewhere outside Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the cows began to take hold. • James Joyce: Once upon a time and a very good time it was you had two moocows thundering and befumbling through your pasture up and down the Liffey through Double-bubblin' Town betwixt the bedamnned spaniels and spindles ne'er espying the crumblin' down formations of Jezebel and Monto, the last of the tinkers' tradesmen. Hullabaloo and Huzzanahs! They cry amongst the parapets frowning renown and spewing bahooey where Paddy Doyle and the cobbler's stalls broke back the bottoms of boots. Snickeree! Snickeroo! and bloody bombastic tirades of Mary and Malone, frothlemocking men and pestlepricking the lads and ladies... (continue like this for 700 pages) • Jane Austen: You have two cows. Your sole object is to find suitable bulls. • John Crowley: On a bright sunny day, a bull was strutting along the road on his way to meet a cow and her sister. Both the cows may be familially related to the Fairies at some point in their history. (Commence four hundred pages of pure joy) • John Le Carré: You have two cows. One of them is a mole. • Max Brooks: You had two cows when the outbreak began. One of them was bitten and you had to kill it before it turned into a zombie. • Nikolai Gogol: You are very proud of your two dead cows. Both are Ukrainian. • Ralph Ellison: One cow, feeling the weight of immense alienation from the other cow, lives in seclusion, writing a five-hundred page autobiography about how it feels alienated to the point of invisibility. It also has a hard time understanding its grandfather. • Robert Penn Warren: You abuse your one cow named Huey. He can't answer back because he was assassinated. That's your entire legacy. • Timothy Zahn: You have three cows that are a worthy successor to the cows originally owned by George Lucas. No one will film your cows. • William Shakespeare: You have two cows, one is a bull but they are twins so you can't tell them apart. Milking is dodgy. • A cow, a cow, my kingdom for a cow! • Cry havoc! And let slip the cows of war! ## Music ### Genres • Alternative music: You have two cows. They're cool because no one else has ever tasted their milk before. When they do, your cows are sell outs. • Blues: • I woke up this morning! (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫) And my cows were gone! (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫) They gone and done away with my milk (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫)... • If you take your two cows down to the crossroads near the Dockery Planation at midnight, you will meet a large black man. Allow him to milk the cows and you will receive the greatest milk ever. But beware, that man is the Devil, and you will have traded your soul for that milk. • Classical music: Like alternative music's cows but with longer words and more bitchiness. • Country: No matter what you do, your cows keep leaving you and breaking your heart. It's your fault. • Indie music: • Your cows don't come from one of those big mega dairies. • Your cows sing in a British regional accent. • Jazz: You have two cool cats. • Metal: You have two cows. To outsiders their milk is identical, but to you they couldn't be more different; one is Ambient Symphonic Industrial Death Milk, the other is post Ambient Symphonic Industrial Death Milk. • Pop music: You have two cows, a chorus, another cow, a middle-8, a breakdown, another cow and a chorus. • Punk: Fuck you, you corporate sheep, we don't have any cows! Cows are tools of corporate America! Fight the system! • Rap: You have two cows. One is socially conscious, the other has a sweet fucking booty and smokin' hot mutherfuckin bling milk. ### Artists • AC/DC: You have two cows. You milk them exactly the same way fifteen times, and that's a good thing, apparently. • Antonio Salieri: You have two cows. Mozart has two better cows. So you kill him. • Arcade Fire: • You have two eight cows that give great milk, but the other cows get mad when they win an award for that milk. • You have two eight cows that never produce any milk. You decide to sell bottled water instead, which wins an award. • Bauhaus: You have two cows, they die, and everybody forgets about all the fine calves they've had. • The Beatles: • Your two cows are the milkmen. Moo moo ga moob! • You have two cows. One of them takes up with an avant-garde Japanese artist. The other writes songs about milk. • Bruce Springsteen: You have two cows, but they were born to run, so you set them free. • Coldplay: You have two cows. One complains that you're boring and act like the farm owners from Dublin and Abingdon. The other thinks you've managed the place pretty well. • The Cult: You can't decide on what to call your cow. Bessie? Beth? Bethy? Berta? Disheartened, you turn tot a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers. • Daft Punk: You have two cows, you have two cows. You have two cows, you have two cows. You have two cows, you have two cows... • David Bowie: • This is Ground Control to Major Cow, you've really made the grade. And the papers want to know whose grass you eat. • Cows! Make a man take things over. Cows! Make grass loose, hard to swallow. • Death in June: You have two cows. Spots on their bodies accidentally resemble SS uniform, and they are branded with Totenkopf. You deny accusations of being Nazi. • Florence and the Machine: You have two cows. One has very nice legs. • Frank Zappa: You have 200 cows, and they all produce different flavour milk. Everybody has to drink milk from all of them to find the one they like. • Franz Schubert: You have two cows. They get cold in winter. You feel terrible about it. • Gotye: You're just some bovine that I used to know. • Green Day: You have two cows. One of them belonged to The Clash, the other one was owned by Stiff Little Fingers, and you stole both of them. • Guns n Roses: You have two cows. One wears a hat, one wears short shorts. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers. • Joy Division: You miss your cow. RIP • New Order: So you get another cow to replace the one you lost and things are working out pretty well. • Justin Bieber: You don't even deserve cows. • Lady Gaga: You wear two cows. They were born that way. • Lila Downs: Usted tiene dos oscura vacas. Tienen que recorrer el camino. Paso de amor y de penas. Usted me encanta, dos oscura vacas. • Ludwig von Beethoven: You have two cows. You can't taste the milk, but everyone else likes it. • Kanye West: • You have two c... YO RATIONALWIKI, I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU, I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT SOCIALISM HAD ONE OF THE BEST "YOU HAVE TWO COWS" JOKES OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME! • You have two cows. One has a calf with Kim Kardashian. The other creates this. • Manowar: Your two cows aren't for milk. They're for beef. Pure 100% hardcore metal man beef and totally Not Gay. • Megadeath: You have two cows, one of which used to belong to Metallica. Endless shouting about who's milk tastes better ensues. • Metallica: You have two cows that engage in a pissing contest about when their milk sold out. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers. • The Mission UK: You have two cows but the name is trademarked so you'll have to call them domesticated bovine lactogens. • Motorhead: Your cow has alarmingly awesome facial hair. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers. • Ozzy Osbourne: You had two cows but ye bit the 'ead off one of them. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers. • Pink Floyd: • You have two cows. Huge, inflatable cows floating above London. • You have two cows. One of them is having a drug-induced mental breakdown and the other one is really upset about it. • Pixies: You have two cows. They are in an incestuous relationship and get kidnapped by aliens. • Radiohead: You have two cows. The government is watching you milk them, and wants to stop you. • Richard Wagner: • You have two cows. They're twins, but that doesn't stop them from falling passionately in love and having a baby. • You have two cows. One kills the other to get the Ring. • Simple Minds: Don't moo, forget about me. *Hoof-pumps the air* • Sisters of Mercy: You are constantly switching out cows and they're not cows they're steers, gawsh. • Steppenwolf: You have two cows, but they're true children of nature and born to be wild, so you turn them out to pasture. • Steve Vai: People come from miles around to see how fast you can milk your cows. People who can't milk cows very fast don't quite get it. • U2: • U have 2 cows. It's alright, they moo in mysterious ways. • You have two cows that can't figure out the exact moment Bono became a dick in the mid 90s-00s. • Venetian Snares: You have two inside-out cows. • Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: You have two cows but you die halfway through milking them. ##  Games ### Video • Ace Attorney: You have two lawyer bulls, and they fight for justice by mooing really loud at each other. One lawyer bull had a cow friend but she died, although she comes back by possessing her younger calf sister. • Bioshock: You have two cows. They are really Ayn Rand. • Chrono Cross: You have two cows. Except that they're really the same cow, just from different timelines. Except that the version from one timeline is really dead, and the second cow is actually a dragon from the moon that looks like a cow so that it can manipulate a rancher into freeing a giant bioengineered weapon that's actually the creator's favorite character from the original game fused with a planet-eating monster. Also, humans are perversions of nature. • Colossal Cave Adventure: You have two cows. You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. • Diablo: There is no cow level. • Diablo 2: You have hordes of cows on the other side of that red portal. Beware however, if you kill the cow king you'll never see your cows again. • Doom: You have cows. They are legion. They are from hell. You have a chainsaw. IT'S HAMBURGER TIME!!! • Dragon Quest: You have two cows. You put them in the field for hours to perfect their milk so that they stand a chance against their sworn enemy. You seek out elusive grass made of metal to make the process faster, only to find that the grass runs away every time. After thirty or so hours of grazing, you realize that you're not even halfway done because your cows’ sworn enemy was merely the henchman of someone or something more terrible. • Duke Nukem: You have two cows. Someday, they will be better than all other cows. Come get some! • Dwarf Fortress: The stray cow (tame) has been struck down! Urist McThirsty cancels Drink: Interrupted by Carp. Urist McCrazy has gone Stark Raving Mad! • Ethnic Cleansing: You have two racist douchebag cows who don't know how to make good milk. • EVE Online: You buy two cows, transfer them to your corp get 4 cows, then are destroyed by Goonswarm. Oh wait they disbanded. • Fallout: You have two brahmin and yet have four heads of cattle. • Final Fantasy: Back in the 90's, you had two excellent cows. You've spent the last decade and a half trying to breed identical cows, but their milk always tastes funny. People buy it anyway. • Final Fantasy II: You have two cows. They produce milk at random by beating themselves over the head. • Final Fantasy IV: Your spoony cows have all the flavour and religious satire stripped out by Square's localisation team. • Final Fantasy V: You have five cows. You give them different jobs for different flavours of milk. Once you have enough milk, you can stamp on Exdeath's head. • Final Fantasy VI: The lives of your cows completely suck to the point where they've given up milking and would voluntarily march into the abattoir. One sings opera. • Final Fantasy VII: You have two cows. One cow thinks it's the good cow but is actually just a clone of it's own dead self living another cow's life. The other cow doesn't make it. Your cows spawn a series of sequel stories containing mostly the same cows. • Final Fantasy VIII: You have two sheep who are deeply in love. No one likes the sheep. Ten years later, nerds on message boards spend thousands of hours arguing about whether cows or sheep are better. • Final Fantasy IX: After developing a taste for realistic cows, you switch to young, cutesy, cartoon cows. • Final Fantasy X: • You end up with seven cows. One cow is actually dead but won't lie down. One cow wears more leather and belts than is normal, even for a cow. One cow is a dream with father issues and another is determined to kill herself. One cow is blue and has a horn, thereby making it actually a bull. The other two cows don't really seem to contribute a lot to the story. • Your cow creates a butthurt fanboy uprising where no one can like any other FF game over VII because Sephiroth. • Final Fantasy X-2: You have three cows that luckily didn't give the series its first M-rating. • Final Fantasy XI: One cow calls up the other cow and shouts "I need you!" • Final Fantasy XII: You have two cows made of magicite. No one really knows what the fuck is going on, but you have to get them somewhere quick or something really bad will happen. Providing you've set up the gambits properly, you can wiggle the analogue stick and they'll milk themselves. • Final Fantasy XIII: • Your well dressed cows chew the same patch of grass over and over again. This goes on for about 30 hours before you give up and return them. • Your two cows attack the designer responsible for creating Vanille. And ruining Bahamut. • Final Fantasy XIV: Realizing that you've made truly sour milk for the first time, you cancel everything else, inject the cow with a steroid and try re-milking it. • Fire Emblem: • You have two cows. You spend hours and hours working out exactly how they grow, then argue in online forums about which cow ends up being better overall. • You start with two cows, and gradually build up a herd. You sell them all and start from scratch every time one of them dies. • Grand Theft Auto: You have two cows. You milk-jack one and shoot the other, just for kicks. • Half-Life: You can't count to three cows. Millions of fans make fat jokes about you to cope. • Homeworld: You have 500 000 frozen cows in a giant spaceship. • Hunt the Wumpus: There are 2 cows and 3 pits scattered throughout the cave, and your quiver holds 5 custom super anti-evil Wumpus arrows. *sniff* (I smell a Wumpus!) • Kingdom Hearts: To everyone's disbelief, you breed a Final Fantasy-Disney crossover cow to critical acclaim. You then convolute the story and sacrifice Sora to the yaoi fangirls, making Kairi cry. • Last Scenario: You think you have two cows, but then you learn it was all a lie. • Mass Effect: You heavily milk two sci-fi RPG cows, then leave the dairy industry when people are hospitalized from the final glass of the third cow. When asked why you did it, all you can say is "artistic integrity." • Mass Effect 3: You have three cows, each a different color. Their milk tastes the same. • Metal Gear Solid: You have two cows. One of them is a quadruple-agent who's working for your neighbor, the chickens, the Russians and the Philosophers. Look, I have a chart that explains it. • Metal Gear Solid 3: I'm still in a dream, GRASS EATERRRRR!!!!!! • Minecraft: You have two cows. You start building a pen to keep them in and end up spending the next 2 weeks building the Westminster Abbey. • Oregon Trail: You have two cows. They died when you tried to ford Snake River. • Psychonauts: You are the milkman. Your milk is delicious. • Pokemon: Go, TWO COWS! TWO COWS use Rollout! It's super effective! • You have one cow. You have to link up with the neighbouring farm to get the other cow. • Portal: You have no cow. The cow is a lie. Baaaa!!! • Portal 2: Ok, so it wasn't the cows you were looking for, but a potato. • Prince of Persia: • First you had a cow, and it was pretty damn awesome. Then you got a second cow, but it was kinda emo, and your third cow was completely bipolar. Your newest cow is nothing like the first three, but still couldn't live up to the first cow. Jerry Bruckheimer made a movie loosely based off of your cows. • Really though, you had one good and two mediocre cows years ago, but no one really talks about those. • Resident Evil 4: You have two cows. One is red and one is yellow, but they're both useless without a green one. • Sonic the Hedgehog: You have two cows. One is very fast, the other is good with machines. People liked your cows, so you added another, and another, and so on. Now, the pasture is full of strange-looking cows, and the only people who care about them are fanfiction authors. • Silent Hill: You had two cows here. They're gone now. • The Legend of Zelda: You have two cows. When you play a song they feel so good they fill your empty bottles with milk. • The Sims: You have two cows. You lock them in a very small room with no doors or windows, and neglect to feed or milk. They die and leave puddles of milk on the floor. • The Sims 2: You have two cows. They get married and have four calves. You manage the life of each individual cow down to the last detail, as well as their calves and their calves' children until you run out of money and become homeless. • Skyrim: • You have two cows. You are carrying too much to be able to run. • You have one cow with the body of a mortal and the soul of a Dragon. Moos Ro Dah! • You used to have two cows, but then you took an arrow to the knee. • Spore: You had two cows. As time progressed, you "evolved" them into massive, purple, fire-breathing beasts who now explore space. • Starcraft: • You start a farm with 4 cows. Instead of milking them you send them over to the competing farm next door to destroy it before he's had a chance to build fences and buy his own cows. COWZ RUSH KEKEKEKE ^______^ • You require more Vespene milk. • You must construct additional barns. • Thief II: The Metal Age: You have two cows. One sneaks up behinds you, knocks you out, and then steals your all your gold. • Star Wars Battlefront: Who the hell left the third cow to die? WHO? • Super Mario World: You have two cows. You jump on one of them, but bump into the other one and die. • Vagrant Story: You had two cows. Were they family or did you assassinate them? • Viewtiful Joe: You have two cows. The first cow you got was pretty new and exciting, but the second cow tried to show up the first one by giving two kinds of milk in one go. It failed, and now people just ignore it for the first cow. • World of Warcraft: [2. Trade][Trolldood]: You have two [Tauren]. And a [Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker]?!1!! • Zero Wing: Both your cow are belong to us. • Zork: It is dark. Your two cows are likely to be eaten by a grue. ### Role-Playing • Dungeons & Dragons: • You have two cows. You roll a '1'. Your cows are eaten by a dragon. • You have two cows. You roll a '20'. Your cows have found the Gem of Sytheraxx. • You have two cows. They have levelled up. Your cows now produce more milk and can cast the Fireball spell. • 2nd Edition: You have two cows (Int 2, 1d8+1 HP, THAC0 20, Att 1 (1d4-2)). • 3rd Edition: You have two cows. Wait, is that one in a threatened square? Shit, now we're gonna have to re-do the last three rounds. • 4th Edition: You have two cows. They want to go back to 3.5. • Pathfinder: You have two bovines. For copyright reasons, these are *very different* to the "cows" you may or may not have seen in *some other game* • F.A.T.A.L.: You have two cows. Rape or be raped. You shoot the Aedile, go play GURPS, and burn your F.A.T.A.L. rulebook. • GURPS:: You want 2 cows. The GM spends 45 minutes writing stats for cows. You change your mind. The GM hits you witha splatbook. • Magic: The Gathering: You have two cows. Tap the white one to produce white milk. Tap the brown one to produce chocolate milk. Use the milk to summon Ice Cream. • MechWarrior: "I am Star Commander Brian, of the 13th Wolf Guards. What forces defend the brown cow and the white cow?" • Paranoia: There are two cows. You have one cow. The cow says "Trust The Cow. The Cow is Your Friend. The other cow is a Communist. Kill it." Can you trust the cow? • Shadowrun: You have two netrunning cows. They run into Black ICE. You now have no cows. • Warhammer/Warhammer 40K: • You spend £60 for the starter cow set. You get two cows. This is not enough for a herd. Spend another £300 to obtain a herd. Spend 6 years painting your herd. You then realise that a new ruleset for the herds has been released and all your cows are obsolete. Start again. • Milk for the milk god, horns for the horn throne! • MMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! • World of Darkness: You have two cows. One is a vamp-cow who has secretly run the farm for millennia. The other is a were-cow, secretly fighting to save the planet from environmental ruin. They don't get along. ### Traditional • Cluedo: You have seven cows of many colours. The black cow is dead. Which cow killed him? • Diplomacy: You have seven cows, all of whom want to take over the farm. The blue cow is engaging in co-ordinated standoffs with the green cow to fake a war with him and satisfy the yellow cow, who wants to prevent the green cow attacking the brown cow while the yellow and brown cows attack the purple cow together, but the blue and pink cows are attempting to attack the purple cow's friend the black cow, and the yellow cow's attack will prevent him from opening another front with the pink cow... • Jeopardy!: What is the number of cows that I have? • Mao: You have two cows, but no one will tell you what you can and cannot do with them. • Monopoly: You have two cows. If you get a third, you can increase how much you charge for milk. • Nomic: You have two cows, until someone makes mutable the immutable law preventing ownership of more than two cows, someone else makes immutable the mutable law forbidding owning fewer than one cow, someone else proposes a law that any previous immutable law is now immutably mutable, and someone else repeals the law allowing ownership of cows at all because now it's immutably mutable (mutably). Now you're just confused. • Poker: You have two cows. They are better than everyone else's cows. Or are they? • Pontoon: You have two cows. If you buy one more you might produce too much milk. • Scrabble: You have two cows. 31 points. • Settlers of Catan: You have two cows, after trading away a wood, a brick and all your friends. • Solitaire: You have one cow. • Trivial Pursuit: Who had two cows? • Wheel of Fortune: _ou __ve t_o co_s ## Corporations • British Petroleum: You have two cows. You milk them in a place where no one can reach them. Suddenly, one of the pumps break and milk floods the field. The farmer then appears on television to apologize. • EA: You have two cows. One of them is going to cost extra because it was pre-milked. • Enron: • You have two cows. You borrow 80% of the forward value of the two cows from your bank then buy another cow with 5% down and the rest financed by the seller on a note callable if your market cap goes below$20B at a rate 2 times prime. You now sell three cows to your publicly listed company, using Letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at a 2nd bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more and this transaction process is upheld by your independent auditor and no Balance Sheet provided with the press release that announces that Enron as a major owner of cows will begin trading cows via the Internet site COW (cows on web).
• You have two cows, but by creative paperwork you sell a thousand of them. You sell the farm and run away when people turn up demanding their cows.
• Ford UK: You have two cows. You don't pay them as much as the bulls until they go on strike and bring the company to a halt which results, two years later, in the Equal Pay Act.
• Sony: You have two cows that can do everything... except make milk.
• Triangle Waist Company: You lock your cows up in the barn and don't let them leave. Soon, the barn burns down. Now you have lots of BBQ.
• Union Carbide: You have two cows. The methane they produce kills about 4,000 people. The people aren't white, so you don't feel too bad about it.

##  RationalWiki

• RationalWiki: You have two cows. You spend your days looking out of your window, with a broken heart, listening to them moo. You calmly lament to yourself, "Why did she have to buy cows?" You occasionally touch them, bemoaning their lack of fur as you sorrowfully wish that you had two goats.
• RationalWikiWiki: You have two cows, but if both try going into the barn at the same time, they get stuck in the door for a while and nobody gets in.
• Ace McWicked has two cows, which each produce four different intoxicating fluids when milked. The fluids may be taken aurally.
• Armondikov: Unless your customer knows precisely what you mean by "cows" by explaining it without using the words "cow, "farm," "animal," "milk," "udder" or "carbon-based lifeform," the milk won't taste quite right.
• Brxbrx: You have two cows, and what happened to them is worse than what happened to the Jews in Cordova in 1391.
• Crundy: You have two cows. You make them into curry.
• CUR: You have two cows. You are one of them.
• Drwatercress: You announce that you have two cows, but they turn out to be someone else's.
• Dumpling: You have two cows. One of them is friendly and a wonderful writer. The other doesn't know how to move a page. (ㅠ㉨ㅠ)
• Eira: You had two cows. You kept telling them to fuck off and then claimed you were joking when they did.
• Feredir28: You have two cows with a Ray Comfort obsession. You refute both of them.
• Human: You have two cows that you share with everyone. One day you wake hungover and decide to change the colour of one of them because you don't like it. You spend the next few weeks arguing with everyone else about the change.
• Ironclad: You have two cows. You eat them both, morph into the bull, then endlessly harangue the farmyard animals on why we must never let cow-killing happen again.
• Javascap: I have two cows. The great pursuit is knowledge, and I love learning about them.
• JimJast: You have two cows. They are both batshit insane.
• Kels: You have two cows. The pictures you draw of them are disturbing to ordinary people.
• Krej: You have two calves. You feed them small bits of food 50 times a day until they grow to a reasonable size.
• LArron: You have two cows. You make 46,893 graphs and pie charts comparing exactly how much milk each has produced every day for the past 3 years..
• ListenerX: You have two cows tha—REDSREDSREDSREDSREDSREDS!!!!!!
• Lumenos: Eir has two cows. Ey moves them to 5 different sub-pages.
• MarcusCicero: You have two cows, yet you clearly have no interest in cows of any sort. Some fascist aspie points this out to you and you throw a 2 month long shitfit over this oppressive censorship.
• Mei: You have two cows. One of them is useful. You keep losing the other one, and have to get a new cow each time.
• MDB: You have two cows, but prefer bulls. You believe in a higher cow, but don't mention it much.
• Mikalos209: One cow is an evangelical Christian with surprisingly liberal views, and the other won't stop stalking RobSmith.
• Nebuchadnezzar: You have two cows. As it's difficult to shoehorn a distrust of memetics into this joke, have a whipped cream one instead.
• Nx: You have two cows or something which was originally two cows. They are massively re-configured, are completely incomprehensible to anybody but you but they are able to tap-dance and create oil paintings. That is unless somebody annoys you in which case they change into killer poodles you leave.
• Osaka Sun: You have two cows that use the edit feature too much.
• PsyGremlin: You have a small herd of cows, all suffering from MCD. Every time one of them falls over, you update your blog.
• RobS: You have two cows. The rising cost of cattle feed means Obama won't win the election.
• Reckless Noise Symphony: I have two cows, so FUCK YOU!!
• Sam: You have two cows. You always have to ask the other farmers how to take care of them while writing a bunch of essays on them.
• Seth Peck: You have two cows. The first cow creates new pages and makes edits to pages that haven't been touched in a while. The second cow follows the first cow around, correcting grammar, debugging bad code, commenting out or redirecting bad external links, implementing lots of square-bracket links, adding snark and sprinkling trivia, some of it of dubious veracity as well as using ten words where two would suffice. The first cow hates the second cow.
• Sophie: You have two bulls cows.
• Stabby the Misanthrope: You have two cows but they keep disappearing for long periods of time before turing up again with different user names.
• Stile4aly: You have two cows, but you're never around to milk them.
• Stunteddwarf: After a year of studying you realise that E(X)[Cow]=2, so P(k=2)=(22e-2)/2!. Therefore, most of you only have one cow. The other is an hallucination. Or a robot.
• SuperJosh: You have two cows. You fart on one of them and accidentally kill the second along with several others.
• Susan/Toast: You had two cows. Two cows that worshiped Bronze Age sky daddies.
• Tetronian: You have two cows. You can't decide which one to have cryonically preserved and which one to subject to the potentially unFriendly Artificial Intelligence come the Singularity.
• Thunderstruck:You have two cows. They've been caught...in the middle of a railroad track.
• tmtoulouse: You had two cows, but now they are owned by a non-profit foundation.
• Tolerance:You have two Cows but you Think they are a Social Construct.
• Twilight Sparkle: You have two cows. You teach them the power of love and friendship while engaging in wacky hijinks.
• Ty: You have two cows. You spend your days moving the documentation on them from one filing cabinet to another.
• WaitingforGodot : You have two cows and the state can stay the hell out of their udders.
• Anonymous User: "But I thought they were supposed to be COWS!" Drink!

## Random meme (this summarizes 95% of them)

[Random meme]: You have two cows. They display traits generally associated with [random meme].

• The humorless curmudgeon that wrote the above: You have two cows and they're just cows. Stop having fun, dammit!