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Italy is like a schnitzel - the more you beat it, the wider it is.
One of the world's many
Systems and types
North American countries

Italy, which is more formally known as the Italian Republic, is a European country. Its main exports are pizza, fasces, and museums. The bidet terrifies visitors, so it never caught on outside of Spain and Turkey.

Italy is the fastest government-switching country in the Zone. Since 1945, no government has lasted longer than 3 years. The past 20 years have been kind of worrisome: There are tensions between the economically more developed North of Italy and the less economically developed South (geographically, Rome is in the center, but mentally it has a more southern influence). Comedians spouting hateful bullshit and half the country following them. Institutionalized corruption. Attacks on minorities. A slow decline leading to a political singularity in which public opinion about Mussolini has improved. It really is like a giant lab for politics 20 years before other countries catch up. So what's in store for us over the next 20 years? Answer: Populism with brief pauses of common sense, followed by other populists.

Until late 2016, Italy was the only west European nation without legal same sex marriage or civil unions, due (it is believed) to the influence of the Roman Catholic Church.[1]

Famous Italians[edit]

  • Leonardo da Vinci invented everything that the Chinese and Thomas Edison didn't, as well as being quite good at painting. Michelangelo Buonarroti was an artistic equal and contemporary of Leonardo. As the reigning artistic geniuses of the Renaissance, and sharing the same city at the same time, naturally they hated each other.
  • Niccolò Machiavelli, author of The Prince, the ultimate satirical "how-to" book of dirty pragmatism in politics. His name is now a byword for deviousness. He also wrote a lesser known book about establishing a republic. He was a republican, you see.
  • Umberto Eco, a scholar who also wrote tales of conspiracy and intrigue.
  • Garibaldi united Italy and had a biscuit named after him — it turned out to be a massive advertising campaign for United Biscuits. Also the name of California's State Fish.
  • Sophia Loren and Gina Lollobrigida had many fine qualities. Sophia is related to Mussolini through her sister's marriage.
  • Guido of ArezzoWikipedia's W.svg, the monk who invented solfège and popularized using the lined staff to represent notes on a musical scale.
  • Italy produced many contenders for "The World's Best Classical Music Composer" award, including Giovanni da Palestrina, Claudio Monteverdi and Antonio Vivaldi, until Germany and Austria started their own streaks with Bach, Mozart and Beethoven. While Italy did get a bit of resurgence with famous opera composers Giuseppe Verdi and Giacomo Puccini, Italy's Legendary Composers Index dropped to zero around the same time Mussolini took over.
  • The Three Tenors, except only one of them was Italian.
  • Primo Levi deserves an article, deffo.
  • Is the Pope Italian?
  • Llona StallerWikipedia's W.svg, an Italian pornstar and member of Parliament, who continued to make XXX movies while in office. She made speeches with one breast exposed and was willing to put her cooch on the line for peace.
  • Benito Mussolini, y'know, the original fascist. His granddaughter, while attractive in a calender model/Fox News sense, is a hardcore nationalist and militarist. The fact that she's cool with women and (some) gays doesn't mean much in the end. She also released a pop record in (where else?) Japan.
  • Enrico Fermi, theoretical and experimental physicist who worked on the Manhattan Project
  • Cosimo de Medici and the Medicis, a Florentine family that controlled Florentine politics through their lucrative banking business. (hmm, sound familiar?)
  • Silvio Berlusconi, mafia president who is lovers friendly with Putin, and is infamous for bringing reality TV to Europe. He sailed through the recession by smiling idiotically and making jokes at the expense of every female politician, as he blatantly did nothing to to curtail the deficit (when the signs were clearly there). The irony is that Italian banks were mostly untouched by the recession until he came along.
  • Beppe Grillo, leader of M5S. He created a new party ("It's not a party! It's a movement!") from absolute scratch. He has become serious contender, largely because the centre-left is collapsing as we speak. But as a leader, he was (and is) absolute shit. He should have just kept going on his nationwide shouting tours while letting a non-comedian run the party.


In the wild[edit]

Loud and always traveling in groups of ten people. Priests with designer sunglasses. Momma's boys who wear a lot of hair gel and scarves. Older men with extra white, well-ironed shirt (what is their secret?). Life-threatening style of driving.[2] (It's because they're not able to hold a steering wheel and "talk" at the same time. You know what we mean.)

The food[edit]

One of the most famous and diverse cuisines in the world. As a country they take great pride in their cuisine. As the old saying goes, in Heaven the police are British, the beer is German, and the food is Italian.

It's actually a running gag in Italy that you should never eat Italian food while abroad. Menus from restaurant chains like Olive Garden are treated as horror stories. They like to bastardize Italian cooking by making it more complicated. Here are some popular mutations: cream in pesto, more sauce than pasta and sugar in sauce, fettuccine alfredo, panini with 3 different deli meats, chicken parm, pizza in general (no stuffed crust), etc. You can't just put spaghetti sauce on anything and call it Italian. (British people don't even try. Italian = tomato in the UK.)

Though in fairness, you don't see many Italian chefs cooking 'Traditional Italian' meals these days. Look in any restaurant kitchen in Rome. Italian businessmen hire men from Bangladesh so they can pay them 2€ per hour and treat them poorly since they don't know their rights.[3]

What have the Romans ever done for us?[edit]

Modern Italian history may seem less 'sexy' than during the Roman Empire or the Renaissance. What about the industrial revolution? For starts, Italy brought you: the telephone, the radio, the nuclear reactor via the "architect of the nuclear age", the personal computer, the first commercial microprocessor, and the internal combustion engine. Speaking of cars, the first dual highway opened in 1924 between Milan and Varese. Even further back, Volta invented the electrical battery in 1800. Then there's the cuisine...

Art and architecture[edit]

Italy ranks first in the number of wins for the Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Films. If we can include Italian-Americans, there's also U.S. cinema (Scorsese, De Palma, Tarantino, and Coppola) and music (Madonna, is the highest-selling female musician of all time, not to mention Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin). As for music in Italy itself, there's opera from the likes of Verdi and Puccini, performed by names like Pavarotti and Bocelli. The very first film festival was the Venice Film Festival in 1932, from the city who brought you carnival and the first public opera house.

At the start of the 20th century, Milan was the birthplace of Futurism (Futurismo) and, together with the Metaphysical art movement (Pittura metafisica), they played a role in influencing Surrealism, Art Deco, Dada, and Constructivism. They inspired modern architecture, up to and including today's abstract buildings and skyscrapers.

There's obviously the profound impact Italian fashion has had globally, from its capital in Milan. Jeans have Italian origins, and their name is thought to origininate from the city of Genoa.


Mafia does not exist, I repeat, does not exist. Mafia does not exist. Since mafia does not exist, there's no reason somebody would write a paragraph about a thing that does not exist. Therefore, this paragraph itself does not exist and you are not reading it. Step away from the screen, because this paradox could spawn a black hole that could suck you in and teleport you to Corleone, which is in an alternative reality and not in the real world. The true Corleone is a modern, sunny, developed village whose main activity is printing civics books and doing Nobel Prize-level scientific research. They don't have a police station because there have been no crimes since the early 14™ century, not because policemen are way too afraid that, if they attempted to patrol the town's streets and ask some questions about the latest disappearances, their wives and children would soon become widows and orphans.

Cars burn by self-combustion.

The man found eviscerated in a car's back trunk last Sunday was not killed. It was a case of contortionist suicide.

There is no such thing as "government corruption" in Italy, especially not in Sicily: people just want to thank their wise and productive governors with rare gifts.

The Godfather is based on the same script as Star Wars: both tell of a galaxy far, far away a long time ago.

Some captious and serpentine journalists and judges may attempt to convince you that Italy is infested by mafia. This is a lie, and those forked tongues will soon be dealt with.

And those who still say it exists will be visited by two picciotti to further friendly discuss the matter in front of two cannoli, a knife and a sawed-off shotgun. If the weather allows, you will be carried to do a little swimming in the port wearing concrete boots.


In Italia, you can either vote one of the thousand parties in which the left is divided and relegated to a dismal opposition (if not even in parliament), vote Democrat which in recent years has approved controversial laws like data retention[4] and selling it as victories for the left, or Forza Italia? Ahahah, nice joke. Their leader flirts with neo-fascists while denying being one.

After the fall of the conservative government, there was a climate of great optimism, as if Italia could finally overcome the crisis thanks to the expertise of super technicians. In the last 5 years Italy had 200 thousand people emigrating each year. 40% Youth unemployment. In 2008 they saw a GDP reduction worse than during the Depression,[5] and it still hasn't recovered.[6] So, what's the answer to all this from the centre-left? Nothing. The only reform that they achieved is the "job act" which basically makes you susceptible of being fired immediately.[7]

A banking scandal hit someone very close to Renzi, the Democratic PM. There was a commission of the parliament on banks, but she did not resign and is still in government.[8] It seems to be the function of the Democratic Party to bring Berlusconi back to life after every political suicide he makes.

*Swears in Italian*[edit]

What's incredible is that Berlusconi, a convicted felon, actually has a chance to lead the government again if his coalition wins a majority. He's allied with Lega Nord (the Northern League), a far-right separatist party. Both MS5 and Forza Italia are pushing the idea that the confrontation is only between themselves, so the centrist/undecided vote tends now to split between them and not consider Parito Democratio (Democratic Party). At least they've stopped talking about secession or leaving the Euro, the only positives to come out of this.[9] The problem is that they are all in Putin's pocket, but who isn't these days?[10]

Silvio, Donald, Vladimir, and (possibly) Boris, sitting around a table deciding the fate of mankind... makes you feel warm inside, doesn't it?

Weird rulings[edit]

Although functioning fairly well on the whole, courts of law in Italy have made a couple of rather odd rulings recently:

Meredith Kercher murder[edit]

Amanda Knox, an American college student, and her Italian boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, were convicted of murdering Knox's roommate, Meredith Kercher. There was no forensic evidence linking them to the murder, and another man, Rudy Guede — who did leave forensic evidence at the scene — had confessed to the crime after initially denying any involvement. (Guede received a 30-year sentence.)

However, Knox and Sollecito were tried anyway, which according to The Independent's Peter Popham was because the prosecutor was a follower of a conspiracy theorist blogger who claimed that Kercher was the victim of a satanic/Masonic killing. The blogger, Gabriella Carlizzi, claimed that Knox and Kercher (both in their early 20s) were members of a Masonic sect called The Order of the Red Rose and that The Order commanded Knox to murder Kercher for some unknown reason.[11]

To add insult to injury, privilege does not apply in Italian court proceedings; so, thanks to her testimony that the cops had assaulted her, Knox was later tried for slander.[12]

Eventually, both Sollecito and Knox were found innocent of the murder-related accusations.

Adultery in thought[edit]

The following blurb — reposted here in toto — appeared on The Independent website:[13]

Italian judges set an astonishing legal precedent yesterday by annulling a marriage because the wife had merely thought of having an affair.[note 1] The Cassation Court, Italy's highest, backed the decision of a church court[note 2][note 3] in Modena, to dissolve the marriage – even though the woman had never been unfaithful.

The woman, who was not named, was trying to have the ruling overturned to benefit from no-blame financial arrangements, including alimony. She will receive no such benefits."

Be careful what you predict[edit]

In October 2012, six scientists and a former government official affiliated with the National Commission for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks were convicted of multiple manslaughter by a regional court when they provided "inaccurate, incomplete and contradictory information" prior to a 2009 earthquake in L'Aquila.[14] The problem is that the ruling seems to penalize the defendants more on the basis of poor risk assessment (concerning a highly unpredictable form of seismic activity and the potential effects thereof; Fukushima One, anyone?) and less on actual malice or negligence.[15] Although the convictions are being appealed, the case could set a precedent in which scientists are sued or criminally prosecuted for not predicting natural events with an near-absolute level of certainty of the outcome — something which scientists would argue they're not capable of in the first place.

Take that, Javert[edit]

Recently, the court decided that a six month sentence for stealing €4 worth of food was far too harsh. Good to see sense prevail.[16]

Vedi anche[edit]

Note a piè pagina[edit]

  1. Emphasis added.
  2. Emphasis added.
  3. 'When a Roman Catholic Church court annuls a marriage, any children the couple may have had during the marriage become illegitimate, which opens the children up to discrimination that is (ahem) "not frowned upon" by the Church.


  1. Pope Francis enters debate over Italy’s same-sex unions Bill
  11. Popham, Peter. Archive copy at the Wayback Machine "Masonic theory that put Knox in the dock", The Independent (UK), 1 November 2008.
  12. Pisa, Nick. "Amanda Knox will face slander trial over claim police beat her up while quizzing her over Meredith murder", Daily Mail (UK), 9 November 2010.
  13. Day, Michael. "Thoughts of affair end Italian marriage", The Independent (UK), 10 November 2010.
  14. L'Aquila quake: Italy scientists guilty of manslaughter, BBC News
  15. The mistake of criminalizing honest scientific mistakes, Respectful Insolence