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The oenological argument has two parts, the particular and the universal:
- The particular argument, which proves the existence of oneself, runs thusly: "I drink, therefore I am." (As reproduced from early drafts of Descartes' Meditations.)
- The universal argument, which proves the existence of God, runs thusly: "When I drink, I hear voices. Since I am not insane, they must be God. QED."
Benjamin Franklin was an early proponent of the oenological argument. In his first formulation, he wrote: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Evilutionists have contested this claim, arguing that renal failure outweighs any alleged "buzz". Whether evilutionists are just total fucking killjoys remains to be seen.
However, the original rendition predates Franklin by 17 centuries. Noted scholar J. H. Christ proved his own existence by transmuting water to wine (see "I drink, therefore I am") and thus proved that God lives in wine. However, the proof did not come without controversy: Oenological extremists (known as "alcoholists") have distorted Christ's wine-favoritism into proof that Germans (who prefer beer to wine) are unloved by God.
All versions of the oenological argument are intrinsically coupled with the oenological problem, which can be briefly stated as: "What problem? I drink, I fall down. I get up. No problem."
It is worth mentioning that the oenological argument is the only proof of God's existence which contains no logical fallacies, or non-alcoholic content whatsoever.
- Not really, but it makes a good story.
- And God spake: "This wedding was shit until I came, anyway.".
- Not to mention that the British won't even chill their beer before drinking it. Yeuch.
- Also not to mention that British beer is so good it doesn't need to be chilled. Mmmmm
- Also, if Jesus really did exist, why didn't he turn wheat into marijuana?