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Soviet Union

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Their pinko-commie flag.
Join the party!
Icon communism.svg
Opiates for the masses
From each
To each
Gaiety is the outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
Joseph Stalin, revealing the communist homosexual agenda.
In 1492 the first global power appeared. In 1992 the last European global power collapsed.
—George Friedman, Flashpoints, p.41.

The Soviet Union was a group of what later became separate countries, dominated by Russia (then in the form of the RSFSRWikipedia's W.svg) and existing from 1922 to 1991. Its full name was the "Union of Soviet Socialist Republics" (USSR), in Russian Союз Советских Социалистических Республик (CCCP), "Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik" (SSSR). Of course, the Soviet Union was not just a union of soviet republics (soviet is "council" in Russian, referring to a democratically elected workers council), but also a one-party dictatorship.


The Soviet Union began in 1917, when two revolutions occured in Russia. The first overthrew the Tsardom, while the second consolidated power under the Bolshiveks. After a brutal civil war, the communist regime won out. The Lenin years involved a certain amount of capitalism, and the Union formed with the "voluntary" joining of Transcaucasia, Ukraine, and Byelorussia. Lenin died in 1924, being succeeded by Joseph Stalin, who made Lenin's regime look like Libertopia.

Utilizing brutal five-year plans to industrialize the nation, his policies killed millions, but did successfully make the USSR an industrial powerhouse. Stalin was also completely paranoid, yet in spite of this, decided it would be a smart idea to ally with the Nazis, of which rhetoric against the Soviets was one of their main talking points. This fell apart in 1941, when the Nazis thought it would be a smart idea to invade the Soviet Union. This was somehow powerful enough to ally the Soviets and the West against the Nazis, ending in victory. This led to the USSR de facto taking control of Eastern Europe, while the other allied forces took control of Western Europe. This alliance almost instantly fell apart as soon as the war ended. Even worse, the US thought it would be a brilliant idea to nuke Japan, which inspired other nations to develop their own nuclear weapons in order to avoid falling behind. The Cold War quickly began, and it first turned hot in Korea, which ended with the status quo. Just before the Korean War, China saw the Maoists take control, and while they first allied with the Soviets, this quickly decayed over the following years. Stalin finally died in 1953, and his successor changed it back to a Leninist governance.

With the rest of the industrial world still recovering from World War II until the early '70s, both sides pretty much had the power for themselves. They were quickly abused, establishing puppet regimes throughout the world, such as the US in Iran and much of Latin America, and the USSR in much of Indochina and North Africa. However, the Eastern Bloc began to decline in the 80s. Reformist Mikhail Gorbachev came to power in 1985, and began to slowly open relations to the West, and ended decades of censorship. As a result in part of this, capitalist revolutions occured throughout the Eastern Bloc in the late 80s, performed by a disillusioned populace. This expanded into the Union itself in 1991. A Russian presidency was established, which brought Boris Yeltsin to power in Russia. In a desperate attempt to keep stability, Gorbachev proposed the Union be replaced with a confederation. Hardline communists tried to stop this in the August Coup, which failed and was the final blow to the Union. Members began seceding, and then, on December 25, Gorbachev resigned and the Union fell.

The remaining states in Asia aligned with China and ecomomic collapse ensued across the former Eastern Bloc, either from shock therapy or loss of Soviet funding. North Korea became increasingly impoverished and oppressive, devolving into the shithole it is today. Cuba was eventually forced to open relations with the US, as were most former communist regimes. Most nowadays are really crony capitalist, with North Korea and Laos being the exceptions (but look where that's gotten them).

Cliff's Notes[edit]

Although it was a Communist (Marx would have called it "barracks-communism") state, the USSR called itself "socialist" in conformance with Karl Marx's definition of that word — a stage of society in which the working class controlled the means of production, which Marx saw as a transitional phase before the State "withered away" and "True Communism" oozed into existence. This has bolstered the mistaken notion that all forms of socialism — even non-Marxist forms such as democratic socialism — are identical to communism. The same technique, applied to "German Democratic Republic" or "Democratic People's Republic of Korea" allows us to see that Democracy, Republicanism and Communism are also all the same thing; in the latter case, it also implies that people are all Communists.

The USSR was hardly sunshine and roses. Stalin and his politburo orchestrated the deaths of at least 8 million (and possibly as many as 20 million) citizens. Mass slaughters only stopped after the end of Stalin's rule, the sheer brutality of which has been compared to the period of Nazi ascendancy.

Its final years were marked by the Afghanistan War (which they lost) and the Politburo withering into a gerontocracy. Jokes about Brezhnev tend to focus on his vanity and senility, e.g. "Some Politburo members have practically become senile, play children's games, ride rocking horses. And look, comrade Gromyko has taken away my tin soldiers and will not give them back..." Here's another one: What has forty legs and four teeth? Answer: Brezhnev's cabinet.

The final blow to the Soviets' survival was dealt in the August Coup, which was ironically performed by the more radical Soviets. Many in the Party opposed the reforms under Mikhail Gorbachev. As the Eastern Bloc fell apart, his plan to save it was to replace the union with a confederacy. The last straw for the radicals, they attempted to overthrow Gorbachev. While this failed, it weakened it to the point where survival was impossible, and the dictatorship that had lasted for nearly a century dissolved just three months later.

At the very least, the Soviets did see to it that the parts of their population the leaders liked were taken care of. Indeed, after the fall of the USSR, life actually got worse in Russia - and especially in the union republics - for a great many people, as social services were cut back, state-owned property largely fell into the hands of a few "business oligarchs" (less charitably called gangsters), many civil-rights abuses continued, the Russian economy entered a deep depression and the poverty rate reached 40%. (Thank Yeltsin.) Post-Soviet economic conditions improved somewhat under the administration of President Vladimir Putin (President of the Russian Federation: 2000-2008 and 2012- ), but things have still not returned to the level of the Brezhnev years, leading many to pine for the Soviet Union. The Russian Communist Party, which is overtly Stalinist, is the second-largest of its kind.

Member "republics"[edit]

The Republics of the Soviet Union (1956 — 1989)
Flag Republic Capital Map of the Soviet Union
1 Flag of Armenian SSR.svg Armenia Yerevan
Republics of the Soviet Union
2 Flag of Azerbaijan SSR.svg Azerbaijan Baku
3 Flag of Byelorussian SSR.svg Byelorussia (now Belarus) Minsk
4 Flag of Estonian SSR.svg Estonia Tallinn
5 Flag of Georgian SSR.svg Georgia Tbilisi
6 Flag of Kazakh SSR.svg Kazakhstan Alma-Ata (now Almaty)
7 Flag of Kyrgyz SSR.svg Kirghizia (now Kyrgyzstan) Frunze (now Bishkek)
8 Flag of Latvian SSR.svg Latvia Riga
9 Flag of Lithuanian SSR.svg Lithuania Vilnius
10 Flag of Moldavian SSR.svg Moldavia (now Moldova) Kishinev (now Chişinău)
11 Flag of Russian SFSR.svg Russia Moscow
12 Flag of Tajik SSR.svg Tajikistan Dushanbe
13 Flag of Turkmen SSR.svg Turkmenistan Ashkabad (now Ashgabat)
14 Flag of Ukrainian SSR.svg Ukraine Kiev
15 Flag of Uzbek SSR.svg Uzbekistan Tashkent

Empire builder[edit]

  • Russia

Big countries[edit]

  • Ukraine (or "the Ukraine")
  • Belarus (formerly Byelorussia or "White Russia")
  • Kazakhstan
  • Uzbekistan

Little countries[edit]

  • Armenia
  • Azerbaijan
  • Georgia
  • Kyrgyzstan (was known as Kirghizia before the departing Soviets confiscated most of the vowels)
  • Lithuania
  • Latvia
  • Estonia
  • Moldova
  • Tajikistan
  • Turkmenistan

Even littler countries[edit]

There were also about twenty "autonomous republics" for the smaller ethnic groups. Their autonomy didn't extend much beyond having their own name on the bit of land they inhabited. The even-smaller-than-that ethnic groups also had counties and districts for them, including a Jewish Autonomous RegionWikipedia's W.svg in the ancient Biblical homeland of, er, Siberia. The USSR's million or so Roma got jack all apart from a newspaper.


Loyal (mostly) commies[edit]

These countries were members of the Warsaw Pact, the mutual defense organization created by the Soviet Union to keep its friends close and its enemies closer. East Germany was reunified with West Germany in 1990; Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic are now NATO allies, much to the great annoyance of Russia. The Warsaw Pact did not survive the end of the Soviet Union and none of its former member countries are communist any longer.

  • AlbaniaWikipedia's W.svg (withdrew from the pact after the split between Mao and the Soviets, now fiercely pro-US even by post-Soviet NATO member standards)
  • Bulgaria
  • Czechoslovakia (broken in two after the dissolution of the Warsaw Pact to make spelling easier)
  • East Germany (DDR)[note 1] (many older Germans still speak of "the wall in the mind," and there's still a substantial disparity between east and west even now, but by all indications younger Germans don't really get the fuss)
  • Hungary (withdrew from the Warsaw Pact after the 1956 revolution but was forced to join again after the Soviet Union invaded it and crushed the revolution). Hungary took a more liberal approach to communism (known colloquially as "Goulash Communism"), which allowed, among other things, the marketing of the Rubik's Cube in the 1980s.[1]
  • Poland was permitted a remarkable array of personal freedoms and liberties alien to other countries behind the Iron Curtain, partially due to overt Western pressure (hundreds of thousands of Poles fought alongside the Allies against the Nazis) but also because of the continued influence of the Catholic Church within the country. In the 1980s Poland formed the biggest threat to the well-being of the entire Soviet empire: the independent Solidarity trade union led by Lech Wałęsa, which galvanized an inchoate natural opposition to Soviet hegemony, and Pope John Paul II, a Polish native, provided an inspirational figurehead for the deeply Catholic nation.
  • Romania pursued its own foreign policy under Nicolae Ceauşescu, which included not invading Czechoslovakia.

Comecon was the communist version of the European Union. Besides the above, members were:

  • Mongolia, the second country to turn communist (in 1925), was among the first to follow Gorbachev's reforms and bring in democracy in early 1990.
  • Vietnam has been inching towards freedom for the last 20 years.
  • Cuba pretty much seems to think it's still 1984.
  • Yugoslavia and Albania, basically only nominal members for all the difference they made.

Commies that weren't so loyal[edit]

These were Communist countries that either did not join or withdrew from the Warsaw Pact.

  • People's Republic of China
  • Yugoslavia: Josip Broz Tito independently set up communism in Yugoslavia after his Yugoslav Partisans came out on top in World War Two (while helped by the Allies). Stalin didn't like that Tito then wouldn't follow his directives, and tried to have him killed several times. Tito understandably threatened to have Stalin killed in turn, and promised whoever he sent wouldn't fail. Stalin backed off and Yugoslavia stayed independent of Soviet control. Tito established a more democratic form of socialism in the 1950s where state enterprises were run by workers' councils. Yugoslav citizens were also given much more freedom to travel and work abroad than in most communist countries. Both these things helped the Yugoslav economy, which remained far better than most during the Cold War. Tito chose to wisely stay out of the conflict between the US and USSR, placing Yugoslavia in the Non-Aligned Movement. Whatever its relative merits, though, ethnic tensions in Yugoslavia resulted in the infamous violent breakup of the place in 1991, with a bloody round of wars following.
  • Vietnam
  • Afghanistan (as in, not quite, but bloody and pointless enough)
  • North Korea (Kim Il-sung was really upset at Khrushchev for that whole "peaceful coexistence" thing. North Korean propaganda suddenly became anti-Soviet and denounced Khrushchev as a traitor to communism. Mao Zedong was Kim's new role model... or at least that was until the Cultural Revolution shocked Kim and prompted him to switch his loyalty back to the Soviets. By this time, the U.S.S.R. was led by Brezhnev, who was more to Kim's liking, though still not quite Stalinist enough for him. Kim would continue to play the Soviets and Chinese against each other for the rest of the Cold War, beginning North Korea's long tradition of being a huge annoyance to its own allies.)
  • Albania

In Soviet Russia[edit]

  • In the United States, you watch TV. In Soviet Russia, TV watches YOU!!
  • In the United States, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the Party can always find YOU!!
  • In the United States, you enrich uranium. In Soviet Chernobyl, uranium enriches YOU!!
  • In the United States, you can say "death to America" and not be arrested.[note 2] In Soviet Russia... you could pretty much get away with saying that too.
  • In Soviet Russia, there is freedom of speech. In America, there is also freedom after speech.
  • In the United States, you break the law. In Soviet Russia, the law breaks YOU!
  • In the United States, you assassinate the President. In Soviet Russia, the president[note 3] assassinates YOU!
  • In Soviet Russia, the government controls corporations. In the United States, corporations control the government!
  • In the United States, you overuse joke. In Soviet Russia, joke overuse YOU!
  • In the United States, you get to tell Soviet Russia joke. In Soviet Russia, you don't tell Soviet Russia joke.

OK, comrades. Time for "Гимн СССР"![edit]

From 1917 to 1944, the Internationale served as the Soviet national anthem. Near the end of the Great Patriotic War (as the Soviets called it), the government decided to reinvent the anthem, in the hopes of reinventing the country with it, making references to the Soviets' defeat of the Nazis, to install pride within the population. The original version praised the union forged through "the will of the people." The chorus implored the Motherland to greatness and its people to follow the red flag to freedom. The second verse praised Lenin for showing the way and Stalin for leading them on. The third verse encouraged the army to fight on against the "daring, despicable invaders." This was changed to "we destroyed the invaders" after the war.

By the 1970s, the first verse and the first half of the second verse remained unchanged. However, mention of Stalin's leadership in the second verse had been replaced by praise for the people's righteousness. In the third verse, mention of the military's victory over the Nazis was replaced by praise of communism's "deathless ideal."

NOTE: The version below plays the same 1984 promotional film twice. The first time has Russian Cyrillic and English subtitles. The second has subtitles showing the phonetic pronunciations of the original Russian lyrics, and the lyrics in Spanish.

After the collapse of the Soviet Union, another national anthem was commissioned. But the Rooskies didn't like it. As bombastic, nationalistic, and over-the-top as Гимн СССР's lyrics were, its melody and harmony rank among the most gorgeous of any national anthem ever written.[note 4] So about five years later, the Russian Federation reintroduced "Гимн СССР" with new lyrics. (Although they did keep the first lines of the chorus — "Славься Отечество, наше свободное!" — which (roughly translated) means "Sing to the Fatherland and to our freedom!")

Intriguingly, both versions of the USSR national anthem and the post-Soviet Russian Federation anthem were written by the same man, Sergey Mikhalkov (1913-2009), who was a real-life example of a "Vicar of Bray."[2]

Science in the Soviet Union[edit]

While the Soviet Union made plenty of internationally recognized contributions to real science (especially in the more socially detached domains such as mathematics, physics and chemistry), they had a habit of ripping off the scientific and technological achievements of the "corrupt, capitalist West" (most notably in the case of the "atomic spies").

Also, entire branches of science (such as genetics, cybernetics or sociology) were known to fall out of favor with the Party because of nepotism and ideological bias, being ostracized as "bourgeois pseudoscience." Instead, the state invested in dubious research such as abiotic oil and Lysenkoism. This was especially true under Joseph Stalin; however, these started to fade during the era of Khrushchev. The study of parapsychology, however, continued until at least 1975.[3]


When it comes to space exploration, the Soviets were actually quite advanced. They had a lot of initial successes (and with less help from Nazi war criminals than the US...) however for a variety of factors were not able to win the moon race. Despite it running counter to their economic philosophy, the Soviets did not have a unified space agency until the ouster of Nikita Khrushchev. Instead, rival design companies spent their time squabbling for contracts, which led to a general dilution of the Soviet effort. Adding to this, the primary genius behind the Soviet space program in the 1950s and 60s, Sergei Korolev, was in very poor health due to spending WW2 in the Gulags (Thanks, Stalin!) and died young. Khrushchev also refused to consistently and adequately fund the many projects going on, leading to the US not only having all their eggs in one basket, but a much better appointed basket to boot.

That said, the Soviets were able to accomplish some remarkable things, launching the first spacecraft, first spacecraft to land on another planet (which was actually Venus, not the moon), the first man in space, first in orbit, first spacewalk and more. They also were able to come up with a very economical and reliable launch platform, the Soyuz family, which are very reliable and still significantly cheaper than launching the space shuttle, despite not being reusable. The Soviets also came up with their own space shuttle, the Buran, which was arguably more advanced than the US model. Unfortunately, its development came right before the fall of the Soviet Union, which left the craft in a dilapidated hangar, which eventually collapsed, destroying it.

While the Soviets never landed a man on the moon, it is something of a mistake to say they "lost" the space race. The Soviets generally viewed a manned moon landing as primarily a propaganda exercise, with the same amount of actual data being able to be gained cheaper, more easily and with less risk through probes and rovers. Once the US put a man on the moon, the propaganda value diminished greatly and the Soviets focused elsewhere, to great success. The Soviets were decades ahead of NASA in terms of space stations, and had some of the best and most advanced probes and rovers. The Lunokhod rovers of the 70s set a number of records that have only recently been surpassed by NASA, and the Venera probes remain the best source of information on Venus, which was a particular Soviet focus, for some reason.

On the front of space stations, the Soviets launched the first in 1971 with the Salyut 1, and made rapid and consistent progress in advancement. In 1986, Mir, the first modular space station was launched. This was also the largest and most advanced space station until the ISS. The ISS was also spearheaded by the Russians, drawing from their considerable experience during the Soviet days.

While it had issues, the Soviet space program had scores of notable accomplishments, and was in some areas very advanced, even decades ahead of NASA. Unfortunately this tends to be poorly represented in the west due to a combination of cold war politics and the failure of the manned Soviet moon program.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]


  1. Nothing to do with rhythm gaming or computer memory architectures.
  2. It helps if you're not a Muslim.
  3. Well, technically, the Premier, or alternately the General Secretary of the Communist Party.
  4. Seriously, listen to it without paying attention to the words some time. Particularly one of the versions rendered by a large chorus and full orchestra. You'll feel patriotic all over even if you're not Russian... until you remember the massacres.