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Map of Finland.

The Land of Finns (Finnish: Suomi) is a country with an Uralic language that borders Sweden, Norway, and Russia. It is known as the place where the inhabitants sing, dance, and find romance in the traditional Scandinavian way. It is populated almost entirely by ducks, who share their country with an estimated 5400 goats.[1]


The Gulf of Finland lies to the south, separating Finland from Estonia which is populated with "Baltic Finns."[2]

Finland has lots of ice, snow trees (yes, snow trees), and dirt. They also have 188,000 lakes and, in summer, 3.23x1083987 little flying bitey things, which they kill and export to Sweden and Estonia. Also, liquor costs a fortune, which isn't that big a deal since native Finns generally get drunk very easily. They are also known to occasionally deal with said alcohol prices via the home brewing of a foul concoction of fermented sugar aptly named kilju (pronounced kill-you), or conversely, a fantastic rye and juniper ale known as sahti.

The capital of Finland is Helsinki and the second largest city is Espoo.


Finns are considered the shyest people on earth.[note 1] Aww. :)

Despite this shyness most Finns are satisfied with their lives and the United Nations’ World Happiness Report ranked Finland the second happiest nation after Denmark, though this is probably related to the Finnish joke "The reason Swedes get pregnant is because they have the Finns to help them out". They leave a large ecological footprint.[3][4]

60 Minutes once aired a story about their one (and it would seem their only) social event: the tango.[5] In recent years, Finland has come to be known for their national outdoor sport, wife-carryingWikipedia's W.svg.

The language of Finland is Finnish (though there is a small Swedish-speaking population, especially on the Åland islands, of which Linus Torvalds, who started the Linux project, was part before moving to Oregon), which is proof of alien visitors looks somewhat like the alphabet throwing up. This is largely because instead of using diacritics to show a phonemic long vowel or consonant, they decided to duplicate the entire letter. The Latin alphabet, spread by Protestant Christianity, is in use, so we are allowed to blame the Church for any illnesses caused by looking at the orthography, although they probably won't listen. Of course, the idea that English readers have any right to complain about anyone else's "difficult orthography" is laughable in itself.


Finland is often praised for its high quality education system, and Finnish students are often ranked as the best in the world. Finnish schools do not teach intelligent design, nor do they teach the controversy. Biology books, for one, establish evolution as one of the 8 primary conditions for life and the Big Bang is referenced constantly as the origin of the universe. Religion is taught mostly for the students to understand and tolerate world religions, and Christianity is mostly dealt from a philosophical perspective. Religion is nevertheless a compulsory school subject: members of the Lutheran church attend classes on Lutheranism. There is however a non-denominational option (elämänkatsomustieto), and in some schools other teaching in religions is available.


Finnish parliament building.

The area of what is Finland today was conquered and ruled by Sweden until 1809, when the Russian Empire took over. After some failed rebellions the Finns won their independence in 1917 while taking advantage of the Russian Revolution. Russia tried to retake it during the 1939-40 Winter War, but only succeeded in getting about a tenth of it because even they weren't prepared for the cold temperatures, or the Finnish resistance. In particular, they weren't prepared for Simo Häyhä.Wikipedia's W.svg

A major part of Finns are irreligious or non-practising but registered Lutherans. They follow the antics of various USA-based fundies with mixed feelings of amusement, schadenfreude, and disbelief; such is their fascination with the exotic Yankee Whackadoodle that Finland manages to be the second largest reader of Conservapedia in the world.[6] Member of parliament and later Minister of the Interior Päivi RäsänenWikipedia's W.svg has recreated some relatively tame American Conservative antics on Finnish soil, which has resulted in the Lutheran church losing thousands of members each time.

Cranks and wingnuttery[edit]

Hitler meeting with Carl Gustaf Mannerheim, Commander-in-Chief of Finnish Defence Forces, and Risto Ryti, President of Finland in 1942.

Popular wingnuttery in Finland revolves mostly around racism, Russo- or Islamophobia, and revanchism over territories lost in the Second World War.

Euroskepticism is also very popular in modern Finland and is one of the main attractions for the nationalist party Perussuomalaiset (PS - they would like to be known as "the Finns Party", but are literally "the Ordinary Finns"). The social policies of PS would be unremarkable in the mainstream of the U.S. Republican Party. Accordingly, in 2018, they fielded the creationist[7] and Trump supporter[8][9] Laura Huhtasaari as their presidential candidate, who finished with 6.9% of the votes, placing her third in the ranking.

In a bit of historical revisionism, Finland sometimes downplays its allegiance to Nazi Germany during World War II, and Cold War sensibilities gave rise to the idea that Finland was involved with the German invasion of the Soviet Union through sheer bad luck, lack of options and coincidence. This is in Finland called the 'Driftwood Theory', which means that Finland lacked options and was eventually forced to join forces with Nazi Germany. The Driftwood Theory was discredited in the 80's, and post Cold War historians have had a different - and more truthful - approach: Finland was in WWII a de facto ally of Germany in every practical way, but not a de jure ally, as the Finnish government never signed the Tripartite Pact, and had no formal agreement of an alliance on paper. In a 2008 survey of 28 Professors of History 16 replied that Finland was an ally of Nazi Germany, while 6 said Finland was a "co-belligerent", 6 didn't have a clear answer. [10]

Nowadays it is still somewhat common to subscribe to the 'Driftwood Theory', especially when abroad the theory is still mainstream and for obvious reasons there is not much emphasis to change this view. The fact remains that the northern third of Finland's land area was mainly under German command, involved over 200,000 German soldiers (including Waffen-SS), Finland was practically dependent on German grain, weaponry and other supplies, and the military commands were closely knit together on the Finnish front. This is highlighted in that the 6th SS Mountain Division 'Nord' was attached to the Finnish III Army Corps in autumn 1941, being the only SS unit ever being subordinated to foreign command. Instead of loudly speaking about the inconvenient truth, Finns usually lower the bar (but only a bit) by emphasizing Finland's lack of direct involvement in the Holocaust. While Finland did deport 8 foreign national Jews to Germany where they were exterminated, Finnish Jews were equal to everyone else and actively served in the Finnish military. In August 1942 during a visit Himmler raised the question of the Jews in Finland, to which Prime Minister Jukka Rangell stated that "Finland has no Jewish question", and indicated that this was the end of discussion.

The UK declared war on Finland in December 1941, but had already bombed Finnish ports in July 1941 to little effect[11]; this is often cited as a counter-example to the claim that no two democracies have ever gone to war against each other, though it is worth noting that there were little hostilities between the two countries and the declaration of war was mostly a symbolic measure by UK to tell Stalin that they are on his side. Indeed, prime minister Churchill had sent a private letter to Finnish commander-in-chief C.G.E. Mannerheim where he told him that soon, he would have to declare war on Finland for this very reason. Many Finnish war memorials also list Finland's involvement in the war as lasting from 1939-1944, thus ignoring the short war between Finland and Germany in 1944-1945[note 2].

In recent years, the rise of xenophobia in Europe has included Finland, notably with identitarian individuals such as Jasmina Ollikainen gaining prominence. The group Suomen Sisu (which autotranslate comically suggests means "Finnish Spunk" or "Finnish Testicles," but which is better translated as "Finnish Fortitude," and which is also much more dangerously ethnonationalist than autotranslate suggests) has for decades planted members in the Finns Party to push their policies further toward neo-Nazi territory.[12]

Finland is also home to Pentti Linkola, the hardest of the hard greens, infamous for his praise of events such as the Holocaust, 9/11, and pretty much anything with human casualties.


Aiheesta muualla[edit]

Icon fun.svg For those of you in the mood, RationalWiki has a fun article about Finland.


  1. Some say that making eye contact with a Finn is akin to physical assault. The only time you are allowed to say anything to a Finn is when you are both in a sauna.
  2. Just as a matter for thought. The Winter War was purely defensive for the Finns. When the time came for Hitler's invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941, there was no real possibility for Finland to remain neutral. They had a choice: Hitler or Stalin, that is the Devil and his grandmother.
  3. Finland also makes a brief appearance as a village in Monty Python's Spamalot. It was not originally scheduled to have a role in the play, but was pushed onstage due to poor hearing on the part of the backstage crew.


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