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Chocolate is the food of the gods and is reported to be better than sex, especially when you've been married a long time.

Chocolate is one of the Four Major Food Groups: Wine, Coffee, Chocolate, and everything else.

The Aztec god Quetzalcoatl [1]... Taught the Aztecs to harvest chocolate.[2] New laws are being offered in Congress to make it a daily requirement to worship or give thanks to him, daily. Of course, no mention will be made of the fact that he also requires a daily blood sacrifice...

Chocolate in History[edit]

It is believed by scholars that Marie Antoinette originally said "let them eat Chocolate", and not cake. It is France, after all.

Eating Chocolate is an important part of showing patriotism to America. The Declaration of Independence itself says "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Chocolate".

Chocolate in Religion[edit]

The most holy Chocolate Event each year is a celebration called "Easter" which is ruled by a Chocolate Bunny. Worshipers of the bunny routinely cast molds of Him and then, in a moment of Theophagia[3], EAT HIM. Different sects have arisen depending on which part of the Holy Chocolate Bunny is eaten first, but they all agree that the hollow versions of chocolate bunnies are heresy to be punished by stoning the manufacturers to death.

February 14th of each year is officially "Chocolate Day". The proof of this is showing how much Chocolate is sold in funny little red hearts. Scholars do not understand yet the connection of chocolate to those silly red hearts, but they are working on it.

It has been suggested that misogynist editors redacted Jesus' original efforts to provide Loaves, Fish, and Chocolate to the masses. Also, since he provided wine at the Wedding, most scholars and theologians accept that he also provided chocolate.

Serious stuff about chocolate[edit]

This is true and it isn't nice: chocolate and slavery. True Worshipers are urged to buy their Chocolate from Fair Trade sources. Fair Trade Chocolate is endowed with superior holiness and is therefore more heavenly than other chocolate. If you can't get Fair Trade chocolate from shops where you live you can get it over the Internet.


  2. The Aztecs brewed it like coffee and drank it with hot chiles and no sugar. Imagine biting into an unsweetened square of baking chocolate, then washing that down with a hot chile pepper. Is it any wonder the Aztec Empire doesn't exist any more?
  3. honest to god academic term for "eating the god". Apparently, Christians aren't the only faith that eats their god's flesh