Fun:You have two cows

You have one cow.

You have two cows.

How many cows do you have?

Science[edit]

Academia: You are on a research grant for proving that you have three cows. You look in the field and see that you have two cows. You now have to write 5 almost identical journal papers explaining that once, when you squinted really hard and looked at the cows from a very specific angle at the perfect point in twilight there were definitely three cows (P = 0.049 in one of your 20 tests, results cannot be replicated) or you won't get any cows after two years. At least the milk is good at conferences.
Archaeology: You have two cows. Both are skeletons. Their burial method suggests ritual significance.
Astronomy: You have two cows. Both are in the sky, and while one can be seen with no telescope the other needs very sensitive equipment to spot it.
- Cosmology: You have two cows. You can produce a Big Bang if one nullifies the other.
Biology: You have two common domesticated female Bovinae. Through a combination of genetic enhancement and crossbreeding, you might eventually get cows that produce a thousand times more milk.
- Marine biology: You have two sea cows. Unfortunately due to the 'vulnerable' status on the IUCN Red List, law forbids you from milking them without multiple permits from and supervision by the evil bureaucracy.
Chemistry: You have two cows. You extract the milk by grinding the cows up, dissolving them in toluene using a Soxhlet extractor, and purifying the crude milk by distilling it over sodium. Your yield is 14.5%.
Evolution: You have two cows. They are distant cousins of yours.
Global warming: You have two cows. The greenhouse gases they emit are causing sea level rise, droughts, wildfires, hurricanes, and extinctions.
Linguistics:
- Comparative method: You have two cows. With the help of regular bovine-invertebrate nucleotide correspondences you have discovered, you can use their DNA to predict the genes of newly discovered species of insects.
- Phonetics: You have two cows.
- Phonology: You have two rectangular cubes.
Mathematics:
- You have 2 cos(ω).
- You have $\int _{0}^{\pi }sin(x)\,dx$ $\int _{0}^{\pi }sin(x)\,dx$ cows.^{[note 1]}
  - Pure mathematics: After a careful proof, you can state that, given certain assumptions, Cows = 2
  - Probability: You have 2 cows: 1 cow is lying down and 1 cow is standing up. The longer the lying-down cow is lying down, the more likely it is to get up. It is not easily predicted when the standing-up cow will lie down. This research won the 2013 Ig Nobel Prize for Probability.^[1]^[2]
  - Statistics: You have 2 cows, ± an udder.
    - Actuarial Mathematics: There is a 97.5% chance that next year you will have at least -2 cows.
    - Bioinformatics: After 12 hours on the computing cluster, you have Cows to a depth of 2x, but you probably should have used different parameters in the pipeline.
  - Topology: You have two tauroids.
  - Algebra: You have two cows, x and y. You solve for cow x in terms of cow y, and find that cow x produces 3 times as much milk as cow y, minus two gallons.
  - Mathematical proof: The problem of how many cows you have can be reduced to a problem for which a solution is known to exist.
Medicine: You have BOVID-02. Given a lot of time and money, there might be a vaccine for that.
Nanotechnology:
- actual: Using Ag nano-particles suspended on a zeolite framework, you can purify the milk of your cows cheaply and simply.
- fictional: Due to a miscalculation, your cows were turned into a puddle of milk. The puddle then goes out to find additional cows to liquify.
Palaeontology: You have two fossilised cows. Unfortunately you only have a few bones from each, but you have a good idea what they look like and that they definitely produced milk.
Physics: You have two cows. You can perfectly predict the milk production, but only for two (two! two! not three) spherical cows in a vacuum.
- Particle physics: You have two cows. By smashing them together at high speed you hope to find the reason for milk. You present your cow findings in Comic Sans.^[3]
- Quantum physics: You have one cow, and two empty barns with open doors. You lead the cow toward the barns, and turn away for a moment. When you turn back, you find the cow sitting in both barns at the same time.
Psychology: You have two cows. Milking them indicates that you have repressed homosexual feelings and wish to have sex with your father.
Science: You have two cows. You gather evidence from observation about the best way of producing milk. You refine this process over many years.
- Mad science: Those fools at the university said I could never have two cows, but I've done it! I've done it! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Sociology: You have two cows. Vital to your qualitative research method is getting to share in the experience of being milked yourself. Your published research findings result in the implementation of new milking machine nozzles, which do not chafe the udders as badly ~~as the old ones did your penis.~~
Computer Science:
- Introductory: System.out.println("Hello Cow");
- Object Oriented: You have two instances of the Cow object, which inherits from the Mammal class and implements the Milkable interface.
- Cloud Technology: You are borrowing two cows. You're not entirely sure where in the world they exist, but somehow you are still able to milk them. If one cow ever gets sick it will be killed and immediately replaced with a new cow from somewhere else in the world.
- Gaming: You have a video game that allows you to simulate being a cow. Sadly it will never be as good as your previous game simulating a goat.
Technology: You have two cows. You invent a milking machine with which to milk them. You produce the same amount of milk, but without breaking a sweat.
Pre School: You have two cows, the left and the right.
Elementary School: Great green gobs of greasy grimy cow guts, mutilated cow meat, smashed up baby parakeet. And I forgot my spoon.
Behaviorism: You have two cows, which you have conditioned by milking them while ringing a bell. Nowadays, if you ring the bell, their udders start to drip.
Sex education: Don't you people realize that milk comes from cow tits!?

Scientists[edit]

Marie Curie: You have two cows. You win two Nobel Prizes for discovering exactly why they glow in the dark.
Charles Darwin: You have an entire species of cow who are the end result of millions of years of evolution. Even though you provide extensive proof for this, butthurt ~~cretinists~~ creationists, who would prefer to believe their cows were specially created by some magical sky-fairy, slander your name and decontextualize your quotes and use them to "prove" that you admitted your skepticism of your own theory for the rest of time, long after you're dead and therefore unable to defend yourself.
Albert Einstein: You have two cows. That's a maximum cowbined energy output of 1.062*10²⁰J!
Douglas Hofstadter: You have two cows so you can make this joke possible.
Richard Lenski: You have two cows, that have evolved the capability to produce milk. A trusworthy lawyer across town refuses to believe you, demanding that you milk the cows in his office, along with a few other ridiculous demands. You throw a glass of milk in the lawyer's face, and while he hates to do it, on behalf of all of LOLCatistendom he declares VICTORY.
Erwin Schrödinger: You have one ~~cat~~ cow. It is sealed in a box. As long as you don't open the box you have two cows, but only one of them is capable of giving milk. Worryingly enough, the cow that cannot give milk is the same cow as the one that can't give milk.
Johannes Kepler: You have two cows, one big and one small. The small cow moves in ellipses around the big one, sweeping out equal areas of pasture in equal time.

Pseudoscience[edit]

Astrology: The position of the stars is auspicious, so you will probably get two cows next month- and they will each produce enough milk throughout their lifetimes to fill exactly three swimming pools. Now give me money ~~and your credit card number so I can secretly charge some more money without your permission~~.
Anecdotal evidence: You have two cows. They once gave you milk after you happened to have read a softcover book about political science, so you read lots of softcover books about political science to improve your cows' milk production, tell farmers they should all start reading more softcover political science books, and start a club of cow owners who had positive results after reading softcover political science books.
Alternative medicine: You have many cows. Their bodies have enormously strong powers of self-healing, and only a crook would say they need pills to get better. But you do need to give them supplements, or they can't self-heal. Look at all these cases of cows miraculously healing themselves after taking supplements! There's no way any of these stories could have happened without supplements.
- Appeal to nature: You have two cows. Your neighbors tell you you should pasteurize the milk to eliminate pathogens before you drink it, but you fear that pasteurized milk is poisonous.
- Herbal medicine: You have two cows. They eat grass, therefore they don't ever need ~~real~~ medicine.
- Laying on of hands: You have two cows. You're convinced that all of its problems can be solved by you poking or rubbing parts of its body.
- Panacea: You have two cows. You claim their milk (and only theirs) can cure all ills. Many other cow owners say the same thing about their cows. You and they are both bullshitting.
Automotive woo: You have two cows. If you buy my particular gizmo, they will subsist on nothing but water (my wife SCREAMED when she saw all of my animal feed in the TRASH1111!!!oneoneelventy11one!!111one!!!11!!), and will yield four times as much milk in each milking.
Chiropractic: You have two cows. You manipulate their spines to make them produce more milk. You accidentally snap one of the cow's spines, tearing its spinal cord and killing it. You now have only one cow.
Christian Science: You have two cows. You don't milk them yourself, but stand around praying for the cows to be milked by your invisible friend. Long story short, it doesn't work.
Color therapy: You have two cows, both of a different color. You believe that you can cure diseases and ailments by having people pet one or both of them.
Creationism: You have two cows that are exactly like the two cows Adam had six thousand years ago. Also, the buckets were already full of milk when God created them.
Cryptozoology: You have two chupacabras. None of your neighbours have cows anymore; only blanched, exsanguinated cow corpses.
Climate denial: Your cows' methane-rich flatulations totally have nothing to do with global warming! Nothing at all! In fact, you don't have any cows at all! *plugs ears* You're right! Big Science is wrong! La, la, la! Sixty-five years old, don't care!
Faith healing: You have two cows. They will give you milk if you just believe! If they don't, you must not have believed hard enough.
Galileo gambit: You have two cows. You think you can get more milk from them by tugging on their tails instead of milking their udders. You defend your actions by saying, "They also laughed at Galileo!"
Homeopathy: You have two cows. You take the milk, dilute it 30 times, and then shake it a bit. Then you and shake it some more. Then dilute and shake again. And then dilute that and shake it some more. Ta-daaaa! Now you have a cure for cancer!!!1
Horoscopes: You have cows? You must be a Taurus! You may or may not find something interesting (or perhaps not interesting) that may or may not happen to you on Tuesday, which may or may not involve milk. If not, look for new love or rekindle an existing love in the next decade ~~or six~~.
Pseudolinguistics: You have two cows. You decide that "cow" was Sumerian for "offspring of the skyborn" and conclude that therefore, your cows are ~~illegal~~ aliens from outer space.

Linguistic discrimination: You have two cows. You despise them for mooing in a (totally objectively) "incorrect" way.

Nanotechnology (woo): You have 0.000000002 cows. They start turning the world into grey goo within mere picoseconds of activation.
Nationalist pseudohistory: You have no cows, but your great-great-great-grandpappy's nephew's barber's doctor's best friend's Latin teacher once had two cows. You think this is just as good as actually having two cows, so you're constantly bragging about how this makes you superior to everyone else. It turns out the Latin teacher didn't even exist.
Numerology: You have 10 cows. The number 10 is X in Roman numerals, indicating that you have an extroverted nature. If you add 1 and 0, you get 1, which means that something life-changing will happen in the next few weeks. Hold on a second... That's 10 in binary. Damn it.
Quantum woo: You have two CWT-869 pan-dimensional Heisenberg Enhanced Quantum-Cows. You use the bio-etheric feedback field looped through the Einstein-Hawking phase variators of a HJU-758 Degrobulator to increase milk production. If you don't see any milk, that means you need to realign your thinking.
Reincarnation: In a past life you were a cow.
Tarot: It is not clear how many cows you have. The Empress in the past position shows there may once have been a great many, but the inverted Star in your present suggests you may be dwelling too much on the cows of the past. The Eight of Wands in your future shows you will soon come to a decision about how many cows there are. That'll be thirty bucks, please.
Traditional Chinese medicine: You have two cows. They are the only cows left in existence. You kill them anyway and eat their bone marrow because you think it'll cure your arthritis pain- and then four years later, a bunch of racist idiots blame the next pandemic on you and the fact that you ate the now-extinct cows' bone marrow, even though their only "proof" is a video you just posted on YouTube of you eating the marrow.
Treat the cause, not the symptom: You have two cows. In order to prevent them from reproducing, you try to cut off their ears with plastic spoons.
Ufology: You used have two cows, but they were mutilated by aliens.
Ultracrepidarianism: You have two cows. Mainstream scientists claim they are bovines, but you know this can't be true, because you've never heard of the word "bovine" before in your life.
Young Earth Creationism: You have two cows. You find a single small inconsistency as regards the relationship between these two specific cows. Therefore milking is a myth.

Conspiracies[edit]

9/11 truthers: You do not have two cows, that's just what the government wants you to think. Those two things over there are a false-flag operation using carefully painted ponies.
Antisemitism: You'd have more than two cows if it weren't for those goddamned Jews.
Anti-vaccination movement: You have two cowpoxes. You should have had two smallpoxes instead, it's a harmless disease without Thiomersal.
Birthers: Barack Obama was once seen with two cows. Islam does not condemn eating beef or drinking milk--it doesn't even condemn eating beef and drinking milk at the same meal. Obama is a Muslim!
Chemtrails: Your two cows don't produce milk anymore, so you blame it on the white fluffy things that occasionally appear in the sky.
David Icke: You have two lizards in convincing cow suits.
Eurabia: You have two cows. You're constantly afraid that the scary brown people will come and steal them.
FEMA concentration camps: You have two sick cows. The government uses this as an excuse to arrest you and your neighbors and take over the world.
Gematria: You have two cows. TWO COWS=118(Simple). DEATH=118(Jewish). LARRY HAGMAN=118(Simple). FIFTY SIX=118(Simple). Larry Hagman is best known as J.R. Ewing on Dallas. Tre'von Johnson wears jersey #56 for the Dallas Cowboys. FREEMASONS=56(Rev.Red.). HAMBURGER PATTIES=56(Chaldean). LUNCH MEAT=56(H Exc.).
Holocaust denial: Everyone knows that the slaughterhouse couldn't have killed that many cows. Besides, if the butcher wanted to make money, why would he kill the cows instead of putting them to work in a neighboring farm? This is all a plot by PETA to make white people feel guilty!
Illuminati: Your neighbour thinks he has two cows and milks them, but you know the truth... that the milking is done by a secret society that controls everything.
International Jewish conspiracy: You work on a farm full of cows, but you think the farm is secretly controlled by a group of evil Jews hellbent on dominating the global milk market. "The goyim know, shut down the farm!"
John F. Kennedy assassination conspiracy theory: You have two cows. You think you killed one of them for meat, but it was actually the secret gunman hiding behind a nearby hill.
Moo(n) landing hoax: This picture of two cows next to the LEM is SOLID PROOF that Apollo was fake - their shadows are ALL WRONG!!!
New World Order: You hide your cows and refuse to milk them in case that milk is stolen by Them. Alex Jones is the only person who knows this.
Pizzagate: Hillary Clinton has two well-made cow costumes. She uses them to smuggle child slaves into a pizza restaurant.
QAnon: You have two cows. They are an integral part of Donald Trump's 47-part secret plan to dismantle the Democrat's global satanic, blood-drinking, pedophile conspiracy.
White genocide: You have two cows. Your black neighbors seem pretty nice, but you just know that they're waiting for an opportunity to kill you and take your cows for themselves. But you'll be ready. You'll be ready...

Countries[edit]

Argentina: You have two cows. You drone on incessantly about their supposed right to pasture in the Falklands.
Australia: You have two cows, mate. They are both venomous.
Belarus: You have two cows. Lukashenko takes them away for mistreating them.^[4]
Belgium: You have two cows. One is a French breed and the other is a Dutch breed. Neither you, nor the cows, nor anyone else understands why both cows share the same farm. You address the problem by setting up a Ministry of Cattle with 17 committees, 43 sub-committees and 36 working groups.
Cambodia: You had two cows. American bombers killed one, and the Khmer Rouge killed the other one and also killed you.
Canada: You have two cows/Vous avez deux vaches.
Cayman Islands: Thousands of cows are sent to your pasture so that they don't have to give up any milk.
Central America: You have five cows, but you could swear it used to be one cow. You constantly bicker with your neighbors about the names of the cows and which pasture they first grazed on.
People's Republic of China: You and everyone else in the country has two cows. All sources that suggest you have fewer than two cows, or that the country's leaders have millions of cows, have been blocked from public view due to their potentially corrosive effect on societal harmony.
- China (Great Leap Forward version): You have two cows. The government slaughters them, but loses the meat. The government then declares that people don't need cows to make milk or meat. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create milk from sheer willpower. Your local party leader commends you for exceeding all expectations. You and your neighbours starve.
- Hong Kong: You have two cows, but you might not for much longer as the local courthouses get stacked with more and more mainland judges.
Colombia: You have two cows. You sell their "milk powder" to buy guns to shoot your neighbors, who you hate. The people who buy the milk powder tell you to stop fighting and that milk powder is bad.
Chile: You have two cows, two dogs, two sons, and your partner, running from a tsunami.

Your neighbors didn't like the cow you wanted to have, so they gave you a ravenous bull.

Cuba: You had one cow, which produced the same amount of milk as four cows. It died though, so you had to find two more cows.
DAESH: You have two cows. The religious police declare them haram because their genitals hang out for everyone to see, and issue a fatwa declaring all cows should be killed on sight. When you refuse, they kill the cows and flog you in the town square. Meanwhile, the USAF bombs your brother's farmhouse, which was being used as an ammunition depot.
England: You have two cows. Milking is boring, so you hire someone from the next farm to milk them for you. You complain about the people coming to your farm and doing your job.
Egypt: The distant ancestors of the guy who previously owned your farm had two cows, and those cows are pretty much everything anyone remembers about you.
European Union: You have two cows. Regulatory officials pay you not to milk them.
Finland: You have two cows. You are more concerned with whether it is time for a hot sauna or an icy lake swim.
France: You have two cows. You go on strike demanding three cows. You write an existential novel about it.
Germany: You have two cows. Your grandpa tried to kill a bunch of people to get their farmland long ago, and you'll never live it down.
Greece: You lost your two cows. You blame Angela Merkel for this. (Also: see Egypt.)
Guatemala: You have two cows, but you can't do anything with them now that the dairy corporation has taken over.
India: You have two cows. Your love for them is not quite as intense as your hatred for your Muslim neighbor.
Indonesia: You have two cows. Your neighbor keeps questioning you about the cows. Eventually, the Indonesian Corruption Watch hears this and they inform the Corruption Eradication Commission. The police quickly storm your house then confiscates both of your cows. Everyone you know started to call you a corrupt infidel nation wrecker.
Iran: You have two bulls. One humps the other and a fatwa is issued requiring you to perform sex reassignment surgery on one of them.
Iraq: You have two cows that hate each other but fear you more. You beat them if they don't produce enough milk. Some foreigners who you once had a fight with kill you and take your farm. They kill the farmhands, burn the fields, and spend large amounts of money training new farmhands who can't be taught to milk cows. The two cows fight each other for decades and the farm never really recovers.
Israel / Palestine : You have two cows that don't get along. Everybody offers advice how to reconcile them. A lot of people secretly wish one of the cows would just die.
Italy: You have two cows. You take them to the Ministry of Agriculture for inspection. You wait in line four hours only for them to tell you to go to the Ministry of Transport instead, who then direct you to the Ministry of Commerce. Six months later the Ministry returns them to a bicycle shop 300 km away. You go out for a delicious lunch.
Japan: What? You once killed your neighbor and tortured his family members so you could steal his two cows? No, that never happened...
- Japan (pop culture version): You have two gigantic, city-destroying kaiju.
Kiribati: You have two cows. You had to buy a pasture from your neighbor after yours got flooded.
Latvia: You have two cows. They hate their field and are going to leave it any day now. Yup, aaannnyyyy day now. The cows in your neighbour's field think your cows have six hooves.
Libya: You had two cows. You horribly mistreated them for years, so they started being aggressive towards you. All of your neighbors show up to either help you out or ~~steal~~ "save" the cows. Your farm is destroyed.
Malaysia: You have two cows. Everyone dumps their manure on your pasture.
Mexico: You have two cows. You frequently warn guests visiting your farm "Don't drink the milk".
Mongolia: You have two yaks. You conquer all of the Eurasian steppe.
Nauru: You have two cows that no longer produce any milk.
Nigeria: I have two cows, which I would like to give you free of charge, but first can I borrow some milk from you so I'm not too thirsty to bring the cows to you?
North Korea: You have two cows thanks to the benevolent wisdom of the Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il Un.
Pakistan: You have one cow. Your neighbour has one cow. There might be a third cow in the rocky pasture far in the corner of your lands, and in case it's there, you and your neighbour fight daily for its ownership.
Panama: You have no cows but get barrels of milk every day because every cow farmer in the village needs to walk their herds through your lands to get to the pastures.
Pitcairn Islands: You have two inbred bulls that spend their time humping calves.
Poland: You have two cows. Everyone makes jokes about their supposed lack of intelligence.
Qatar: You have two incredibly wealthy cows. No, the mules you brought in from other farms who do all the actual work don't count.
Russia: You have two cows. You count them and it turns out you have 12. You count them again and you have 52. You count them again and you have 6. You stop counting and open another vodka bottle.
- You have two cows. You don't feed them properly and they stop giving milk. You blame the West for the latter.
- Soviet Union: You have two cows. The government takes all the milk to make a giant memorial cheese to honour the exemplary cow who produced a million litres of milk, repaired 2000 tractors, and built three moon missiles during the last five-year plan. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Saudi Arabia: You have two cows. You flog them for baring their udders in public and roaming the farm without a bull.
- After you came into possession of a holy pasture, you tore down all the historic farmhouses and built a KFC.
Singapore: You have two cows. The government fines you heavily for keeping unlicensed farm animals in your apartment.
Somalia: There are two abandoned cows fighting in a smoldering crater where a farm used to be.
- Somaliland: You have two cows, but everybody pretends they don't exist.
South Africa: You have two cows. People overseas are convinced that your black neighbors are about to kill you and steal them.
South Korea: You have two cows. Both are world champions in e-sports and literally drown in fan mail.
- South Korea (alternative): You have two cows: they must make milk 14 hours a day.
Spain: You have two cows. You don't know where they are. Fuck it, time for a nap.
Sudan: You own a farm that contains a whole herd of cows. Some of the cows are from an Arab breeding stock and some are from an African breeding stock. You secretly instruct your farmhands to kill the African-bred cows. Even though you deny that you're ordering your farmhands to kill the African-bred cows, every other farmer knows that you are. They don't do much to stop you.
Sweden: You have two cows, who were conceived through a long and arduous process due to the manual being impossible to read.
Switzerland: You have 500 cows, but none of them are yours. Others give you milk for taking care of them.
Syria: See Libya.
Taiwan: You have two cows. In order to avoid upsetting your neighbor, you have to call them "Chinese Bovids".
Thailand: You have two cows, but both have penises.
Turkey: You used to have two cows. You vehemently deny that you slaughtered them.
Ukraine: You have the cows.
United Kingdom: You have two cows (actually three, but everyone including yourself tends to forget about that last one), but you long for the old days when you had dozens of cows across the County, conveniently forgetting the sheer dickery you'd pulled to obtain most of them.
- You had two cows. You fed one of them to the other one. Now the rest of the world won't buy your cow as it has BSE.
United States: You have two cows that produce a decent amount of milk. A bunch of giant dairy farms suffer huge shortfalls due to illegal business models, and to help make up for their loss they take some of your milk. Now those dairy farms are doing better than ever, but they're still taking your milk.
Venezuela: You used to have two cows, and you used the sales revenue from their milk as your sole source of income with no backup plan. They're dead now.
Vietnam: You used to have two cows, but fought a war because you only wanted one cow.
Yugoslavia: You have two cows. You're just biding time until you have the opportunity to kill your neighbors and take their cows. Any day now...
Zimbabwe: You had more and more cows, producing less and less milk, until eventually your hundred trillion cows produced as much milk as one of anyone else's cows. Eventually, you got rid of your cows, which are now sold as novelties on eBay.

States/Provinces[edit]

Alabama: You feel a pressing urge to tell your two cows not to shit next to the bulls and vice versa. Even if they cut off their udder.
Alaska: You have an island with two cows on it and an island with one cow on it. You don't understand why the federal government does not give you the money to build a bridge between the two islands.
Alberta: You have two million extremely dirty cows. Milking them will destroy the environment for centuries to come. You milk them.
California: The many celebrities living nearby have hella cows. You have none because you are homeless.
Florida: Your two cows are plain weird. The rest of the country likes to make fun of the strange news stories that result.
Hawaii: You used to have your own pasture, but it was turned into a tourist trap.
Illinois: You have one cow. The other got shot by the Chicago Police Department.
New Hampshire: The state government is the only legal retailer of milk, but you pay no sales taxes on cheese.
New Jersey: Your momma looks like two cows, no disrespect.
New York: One of your cows lives in Trump Tower. Another cow has a ton of money, and its milk is an investment. Your last one is from the streets and you milk it for food stamps and Medicaid. You actually have more than those three cows, but nobody pays attention to those upstate things, only even considering their existence when ordering Buffalo wings.
Ohio: You had two cows. One of them was set on fire and the other was outsourced to Mexico. People only care about them once every four years.
Oregon: You have two cows. They are stoned.
Tasmania: You have two cows. They are siblings, and their parents are siblings too.
Yorkshire: Tha Luncustrrs haff taken' owr cohs! It's tahm to teyk them beck!
Zeeland: You have two cows. They drown.

Languages[edit]

Basque: You have two creatures that are unlike any other organism on earth. Futile attempts have been made to demonstrate a genetic connection between them and every other being.
Chinese: You have two cows, and the government tells you what to term to label them.
Coptic: You have two cows. One day, a swarm of foreign military scientists show up to take a look at them and determine they ~~helped aliens build~~ built the pyramids.
English: You have two cows. As a result of their raiding and pillaging, they are now the most popular cows in the world, and most cows try to imitate their behavior.
- Australian English: You have two cows. Your cattle station is the size of Slovenia. You decide to stop for smoko.
- Anglish: You have two cows. You don't like the truththing that they moo like the cows of your neighbor, so you brook your knowledge of tonguecraft to right their sounds and make them shift to a better way of underholding.
- Pittsburghese: Yinz has two cows n’at. Yinz sells dem to priminnis, ahn yinz redd up da bahn cuz dose jagoffs let they hoagies from jinn iggle ahn da floor! Now da italyin sahs is all ova da floor and it's all slippy!
Esperanto:
- You have two cows. Since the dawn of time, they have been trying to kill each other for every conceivable reason, and often for no reason at all. You think teaching them to moo the same way will make them stop despising each other.
- You have two cows. You write hundreds of pages arguing with other people on the internet as to what they should be called.
Finnish: The you is [in possession of] two cows.
French: You have two cows. They're still not over the fact someone else managed to steal their title of Most Popular Pillager.
- Canadian French: You have two cows. Chalice, they're freezing their host of asses off, tabernacle. Virgin, why couldn't they have gone somewhere warmer, ciborium?
Galician: You have two cows. They look identical to the cows of one of your neighbors, and sound identical to those of your other neighbor.
German: You have two Cows, which among the richest and most efficient Cows in their Neighborhood are. They would like of the Cattlemarking- and Beefmeatlabellingsupervisiontasktransferlaw to be rid so that the Safety and Freedom of all Cows in Perpetuity and irrespective of Age or Class guaranteed would be.
Latin: IOVTVVOCOVVSHAVETHESENATEPEOPLEANDROMANTHEMBIFORCETAKE
1337sp34k: Y0u h4v3 tw0 c0wz
Macedonian (Slavic): You have two cows. They insist on calling themselves mammoths. Everyone else rolls their eyes at this.
Newspeak: You have been uncowed.
Polish: You have two cows. Unlike the cows at a certain large ranch to the east of yours, they sometimes produce nasal moos.
Portuguese: You have dois vacas. THEY ARE NOT SPANISH OR SLAVIC, CARALHO!
Proto-Indo-European: You have cows marked for dual number. Most of your children forget what the dual number is.
Romanian: Ĭȣ хѣвȣ̆ тȣ каȣзȢ̆ хȣ ĭȣздȣ̆ дъ сърелекȣ̆ ѣлфъбетȣ̆ бикъзȣ̆ ет ȣъзȣ̆ ȣатȣ̆ дъ нейбърхъдȣ̆ кȣлȣ̆ кеѕȣ̆ ĭȣздȣ̆. Лейтърȣ̆, дей switched to the Latin script to fit in with a different group of cool kids they decided they liked more.
Russian: At you is two cows. Now they mine, ладно?
Turkish: Your two piece cow exists. One is called Boncuk. You adorn the other one with a picture of Atatürk.
Vandalic: You had two cows, but they vanished many years ago. One of the only things anyone knows about them is that they liked eating and drinking.
Welsh: Yw hyf tw cyws. Yfry ywr, ddyy chwyld y pyrhffyrmyng yrts ffystyfyll yn Gwllychwddyrhynwchyllyn tw prymywt ddy kyltyrh ynd llyngwyj yf Wylls.

Religion[edit]

Atheism: Not having two cows is a kind of having two cows. Therefore, it belongs in this section.
Buddhism: You have two spirits who are physically stuck in the animal realm, the realm of stupidity and prejudice. If they are good in this life, they will reincarnate as a human. If they are bad however, they will go to hell and become demons! If you treat your cows kindly with compassion you yourself will advance spiritually.
Cao Daism: Your name tells the rest of humanity nothing about your attitude toward cows.
Christianity:
- Christian Fundamentalism: You have two cows. Someone on conservative talk radio says all cows are female. You protest about lesbians in your farmyard.
  - Steven Anderson: I hate your two reprobate cows and look forward to them getting cast into Hell, now security will get those two nasty reprobates the hell out of my church!
  - Westboro Baptist Church: God hates cows!
- Liberal Christianity: You have two cows. It's inconvenient to you that one of them is a cow, so you "interpret" it to be some other kind of animal.
- Roman Catholicism: You have two calves. You do things to them that get you sent to another farm.
- Calvinism: You were predestined to have two cows.
- The Bible:
  - Old Testament: What's that? There's a famine, and you don't want to sacrifice valuable farm animals to me while people are starving? Well, too bad. I'm God bitch.
  - New Testament: You have two cows. One bucket of their milk would feed five thousand people, but because it was turned into wine, it just gets them drunk. You tell everyone about it.
  - Conservative Bible Project: Moses had two cows. (Note: This shows that capitalism is divinely ordained!)
Deism: You have two cows, you've deduced this from your god-given reason. You ~~think~~ know all of the above in this section are complete idiotic. The below... well, They're quite all right. You have your disagreements with them, but... whatever.
Hellenism: You have two cows. Both of them get raped by Zeus disguised as a bull. You now have two cows and two minor deities. Your farm gets cursed by an enraged Hera.
Hinduism: You have two cows. They are precious to you like they were your mother because of the plentiful blessings they provide, and you cannot bring yourself to harm them in any way. They abuse their privileged position and take naps wherever they please, causing you constant trouble.
Islam: You have two cows. You riot over the defamation of your cows by their mere mention in this blasphemous article.
Judaism: You have two cows. You get into an endless Talmudic argument with your neighbor over how to milk them.
- Your farm has two barns, one where your cows stay, and one they will never be caught dead inside.
Mormonism: You have three cows, two from a West Asian breeding stock and one that is purportedly from an American breeding stock of which no other cattle rancher has ever heard. Other cattle ranchers tell you that your third cow is actually a chupacabra, but you insist that she's a cow.
Neopaganism:
- You have two cows, one of them Greek and the other Irish even if for the latter one that's what most people think and even scholars aren't totally sure. You milk them mixing the ways they were so in ancient Greece, Ireland, the Nordic countries, pre-Columbian North America, by New Agers, and those imagined by you.
- Polytheistic reconstructionism: You have two cows. You painfully both look for exemplars as similar as possible to their ancestors millennia ago, and try to milk them as similarly as possible as the way cows were milked in the region from which they come in such distant past.
Nuwaubianism: You have one cow which is psychically connected to its seven clones which live scattered throughout the world.
Pantheism: The entire universe is two cows. Therefore, everyone has two cows.
- Pandeism: Two cows created the universe by becoming the universe.
Satanism: You have two cows. It's important that you do with them whatever you like.
Scientology: You have two cows. They do not produce milk, but if you spend $500,000 and audit them to clear their Thetans, they are guaranteed to start doing so eventually.
Shinto: You have two cows. If you treat them well, it would be appreciated, but you will anyway, because you are good.
Wicca: You have two cows. If you milk them, they will milk you back three times. You must often milk them nude.
Zen: A monk had two cows. He asked the master Joshu, "Do cows have the Buddha-nature?" Joshu replied, "Moo."
Religion in general: I have two cows. No, I'm not going to show them to you. You have the burden of proof that I don't. By questioning their existence, you're persecuting me for my faith.
- Cultural identification with a religion: You do not have any cows, but since your ancestors had cows, you identify as a cow-having person.

Non-religion and parody religions[edit]

Atheism: You hear about two cows, but you haven't been presented with enough evidence of their existence to believe in them.
Agnosticism: You don't know if there are two cows.
- Strong agnosticism: You believe the existence of two cows is unknowable.
- Weak agnosticism: There probably aren't two cows, but who knows?
Ietsism: You believe that you have two something-or-other. Sort of. You must have them. Whatever they are. Definitely. Probably.
Ignosticism: You think people presume too much about what cows do and what milk tastes like.
Landover Baptist Church: You do not have cows, but you insist that you have the only two true cows. You love to quote the most outrageous parts of the ranchers' manual.
Maltheism: Cows are EVULZ!!1!
Misotheism: You really hate cows.
Discordianism: You have ~~two~~ five sacred chaos. Fnord.
Dudeism: The cows aren't the issue here, man. Let's go bowling and drink two white Russians.
Pastafarianism: You have two meatballs. You know they're not cows, but when your religious neighbour wants to teach children about the two cows he may or may not have, you can use your meatballs' vague resemblance to cows (especially when held up in weak light by a dwarf on a mountain) to argue just as loud as your neighbour. The children are confused.
Apatheism: You hear about two cows. People around you start arguing about the significance of that. You shrug and go about your business.

General philosophy[edit]

Absurdism: You have two cows. If you cannot come to terms with the fact that having two cows is absurd, you will never live a full life.
Anarchism: You have two cows, but you don't milk them. Instead, you let them roam free, knowing that when they finally opt to milk themselves, it will be sweeter than it would be if you took it by coercive means.
Anarcho-Capitalism: You have two cows. Your neighbor's cow grazes on your pasture. You hire a mercenary hitsquad to kill your neighbor's two cows, as they clearly violated the non-aggression principle.
Capitalism (in theory): You have two cows. You sell one and use the profits to buy a bull. You mate the bull and cow to produce more cows and thus more milk. You use these healthy profits to make the world better and retire with a smile on your face.
- Capitalism (in practice): You have two cows. You milk them to death and use the profits to buy cheaper cows from abroad. You increase profits by finding even cheaper cows. You retire before anyone realises that this really isn't sustainable.
- Capitalism (American): You have two cows. You fire one and force the other to give the milk of three cows while feeding it less grass. When it finally wanders off in search of more food you complain that cows have no loyalty or work ethic nowadays.
- Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell 3 of them to your company, who then sells all 4 of them to a hedge fund, which sells options on of all 5 on the market. When the public gets suspicious and the market collapses, the government gives you 6 cows to compensate for your loss.
Communism (in theory): You have two cows. Your neighbor has only one cow, so you share some of the milk with her.
- Communism (in practice): The government gives you two cows to milk. You milk the cows and the milk goes to a milk depository. You wait in line for 3 hours to get it. It tastes sour.
Conservatism: Due to your gross mismanagement of the farm, you have two cows both infected with bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Despite this, people all over the world, irrespective of race, sex, country or creed, desire to run their farms exactly like yours, and think it is right and good that your cows are mad, because cows are mad by nature and if they weren’t mad society would fall apart.
Existentialism: You have two cows. The cows don't really mean anything, maaaan, but they do if you want them to mean something.
Fascism: You have two cows. The first thinks it's better than the second because their ancestors 4000 years ago built a cooler barn than theirs. This absolutely justifies them murdering the second cow. (They were clearly a Communist.)
Libertarianism: You have two cows. You have a gun to stop the government taking your cows away in breach of your natural rights. Your cows often trample on other people's crops, and you use an underpaid migrant worker to care for them.
Nazism: You have two cows. The first (the clearly superior ethno-Ayran master race Überkuh) brutally murders the second (the clearly inferior Judeo-Bolshevik cultural Marxist Unterkuh) because the second cow's great-great-great-great grandcow is Jewish.
Nihilism: You have two cows. It doesn't matter if you have no cows or a billion. Give up on the cows already.
Objectivism: You have two cows. When your neighbors come to ask you to donate some milk to charity, you make a 90-page speech, kill the cows, set the barn on fire, and move to Colorado.
Rationalism: The method for milking cows can be logically derived.
Social Darwinism: Cows ought to milk themselves. Whichever ones can't will die.
Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes the extra milk you didn't need and distributes it across the population to ensure that no one is left lacking in milk.
- Socialism (in practice): You have two cows. The government takes one of them and then gives it to your neighbour.
Social Democracy (in theory): You have two fat cows and no children. You neighbor has a skinny cow and three children. The government takes part of your milk and gives to your neighbours so they won't starve.
- Social Democracy (in practice): You have two fat cows and no children. You neighbor has a skinny cow and three children. The government takes one of your cows for itself, milks your neighbour's skinny cow, gives him back a fraction of the milk and, if he's lucky, part of the meat of your cow.
Socrates: You pester your cows with a series of questions that aim to reveal that they don't really have a firm understanding of milk. You piss them off so much that they eventually poison you.
Stoicism: You have two cows. You contemplate daily that they, and you, will someday die.
Surrealism: You have two fish. But the harpsichord cannot be green.
Veganism: You aren't allowed to have even one cow.
Zeno of Elea
- Dichotomy one: You have {...,1/16,1/8,1/4,1/2,1,2} cows.
- Dichotomy two: You have $\sum _{n=0}^{\infty }{\frac {1}{2^{n}}}$ cows. Time cannot be considered when racing these cows.

Political philosophy[edit]

Ayn Rand: You have two cows that you milk for handsome profit. Then you complain that your cows are parasites and you go on strike to Galt's Gulch, leaving the cows to die. At the end of your life, you realize that you can't survive without the milk.
Confucius: You have two cows which are the benevolent overlords of your entire populace of cows, your cows must obey these benevolent bovine overlords and in return society will be harmonious.
Gordon Gekko: You can never have too many cows!
Georg Hegel: You have two cows. Based on the dialectical relationship between yourself and the cows you conclude that 1830s Prussia is the ideal society in all possible ways.
Han Fei: You have an entire population of lawless cows; the only way you can instill law and order is by excessively harsh legalistic punishments. All of your cows are equal before the emperor cow.
Jean-Jacques Rousseau: You have two cows. Each must give up part of their natural liberty to bind themselves in a social contract to you, and in return being secured their inalienable right to safety.
John Locke: Everything was OK after you realized you owned cows.
Mao Zedong: All power grows out of a milking machine teatcup.
Michel Foucault: You have no cows. Owning cows is a technology of power.
Niccolo Machiavelli: You have two cows. You eat hamburgers in front of them because it is better to be feared than loved.
Plato: You don't have any cows, but you're convinced that people like yourself are best qualified to run dairy farms.

Political economy[edit]

Adam Smith: You have two cows. It is not from their benevolence that you expect your milk, but from their regard to their own self-interest.
Eugene Fama: You have two cows. They graze and are milked with maximum efficiency. No matter how hard you try, you can't milk them more efficiently.
F.A. Hayek: The Fed gives you two cows. Then it gives you two more and causes the cow market to crash.
John Maynard Keynes: You have two cows. When there's too much milk, you milk them extra so that their milk production will slow down. When there's not enough milk you buy extra cows on credit to milk them. All the farm owners remember is the latter part.
Karl Marx: You have two cows. You exploit their labour power by taking their milk. Someday, they will take revenge on you by waging revolution.
Ludwig von Mises: You have two cows that act. Therefore, we can deduce that cows must act to increase their marginal utility.
Milton Friedman: Thank goodness for rich people willing to buy the milk from your cows!
Peter Kropotkin: You have two cows. They produce bread.
Peter Schiff: You have two cows, but the entire cow based economy is going to fall apart tomorrow. You should trade in your cows for gold!
Ronald Coase: You are worried that some cows are not owned by anybody.

Economics[edit]

Credit Crunch: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. The public then buys your bull.
Any freelance job: You have two cows. People keep asking for milk, either say they "can't really pay you" or will promise they will pay you again and again every time you ask them, without you seeing a cent, and add "but it's good exposure for you" or "but you'll get a nice entry for your port."
Any temporary or contract job: You have to milk two cows, but if you get hurt doing it then you're shit out of luck.
Baseline budgeting: Last year, you had two cows. The Department of Cows promised to give you two more cows this year but actually gave you one more cow. You accuse the Department of Cows of stealing one of your two cows.
Trickle down economics: By feeding more oats to your two cows, more will pass through their digestive systems for the chickens to eat.
Bitcoin: Absolutely no one truly knows how the cows work, but you try to convince everyone you have two cows. Those cows consume entire country's worth of grain, produce no milk, but somehow people insist those cows have value. Also, every single dairy farmer is a thief for some reason.
Non-fungible tokens: You have a link to a picture of a specific cow. You have no ability to milk said cow, or decide when to buy or sell it, but you insist the link is worth more than the cow.

American politics[edit]

Presidents[edit]

George Washington: You're glad that you won the right to make your own decisions without the British government. You proceed to order your many slaves to take care of your two cows.
Thomas Jefferson: You have two cows. You like them a lot, but you still don't treat them very well.
Andrew Jackson: Your Native American neighbors used to have a ranch. Now you have their ranch, and you keep your two cows there.
William Henry Harrison: You had two cows. You died before you got a chance to milk them.
James Buchanan: You have two cows. One attacks the other, but you can't find a legal justification for putting down the crazed cow. The crazed cow nearly destroys the barn. Everybody hates you.
Abraham Lincoln: You have to put the barn back together and stop the crazed cow.
Andrew Johnson: You think it would be unfair to give two cows to black people to help them recover from the harms of slavery.
Ulysses S. Grant: You restrained the mad cow for Abraham Lincoln. When you inherit the farm from the farmer who took over for Abraham, you try to get the mad cow to stop its antics. However, the public hates you for your various scandals involving the corrupt sale of the milk, and none of the farmers that come after you really commit to dealing with the mad cow.
Grover Cleveland: You have two non-consecutive cows.
Theodore Roosevelt:
- You have two cows. They are both totally badass.
- Your cows have to get from one pasture to another - so you build a canal through someone else's farm.
Woodrow Wilson: You have two cows. You promise not to draft them, but you do it anyway. You are also a hideous racist.
Warren G. Harding: You have two cows. You play poker while your friends sell off your milk and cows behind your back.
Franklin Roosevelt: You save an entire dairy full of cows suffering from starvation and attack by coyotes. American conservatives ignore you and worship Winston Churchill.
Harry S. Truman: You have two atomic cows, and you drop them on Japan.
Dwight Eisenhower: You start off with two cows, then your neighbor gets another one, so you get two more. This continues until you have millions of cows. Also, these cows can blow up the world. You warn future generations about the dangers of the mili-dairy/industrial complex.
John F. Kennedy:
- "I believe that this farm should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a cow on the moon and returning her safely to the earth."
- You have two cows. One day one of them kicks you in the head and kills you. People are still arguing over which one did it.
Lyndon B. Johnson: You illegally occupy a cattle ranch and begin killing the livestock. You promise that you're not out to pick a fight, but then you occupy another cattle ranch and begin killing that one's livestock.
Richard Nixon: Why the hell did you think cowfucking was a good idea, Dick?
Gerald Ford: You decide to spare Dick from criminal prosecution. As a result, nobody buys your milk at the next village fair.
Jimmy Carter: You spend your time trying to keep other cows from fighting, and by building barns. Everyone complains that you didn't do it fast enough.
Ronald Reagan: If you had two cows when he took over the ranch, you still have two cows. If you had one cow, you don't have any anymore. If you had no cows to start with, you now owe your neighbors the value of two cows. But if you had ten cows, you now have a thousand.
George H.W. Bush: You have two cows. Even they think you lack charisma.
Bill Clinton: You had one cow. That wasn't enough for you, so you got a second cow. You lived to regret that, and are back to just the first one. It is widely suspected you are both allowed to see other cows.
George W. Bush: A coyote attacks and kills one of your three cows. Eighteen months later you react by ordering your two remaining cows to invade the chicken coop.
Barack Obama: You inherited two cows from George W. Bush, and you treat them in essentially the same way that he did. However, they are convinced that you treat them in just the opposite of the way he treated them. One of them loves you for it, while the other passionately hates you for it.
Donald Trump: We have the greatest cows. They give the milk with the very very very good cream, believe me. All the polls say they give the best milk. You know Hillary's cows, they're dirty. I don't know, but that's what people are telling me. Crooked cows from crooked Hillary. Hundreds of farmers have told me, they're telling me, they are really, really a not good herd, not at all, not good. We're going to make our herd great again. We have to have fair trade with Chyyna. Those cows are no good. They're stealing our grass, they're eating our calves. Well, someone is eating those calves. Our cows have the best udders - yuge. In fact, and I admit it, I like to walk in and just grab 'em by the udders. When you're rich, and I would know, I'm very rich, the richest man ever, the cows let you do whatever you want, and I'm the richest man, believe me.
Joe Biden:
- You have two trains.
- "If you don't like me, then you ain't a cow."
- "I have just two words for you; 'you have two cows'"
- You have two uh, you know, the things.

Other political figures[edit]

Al Gore: You travel around the field in a chariot drawn by cows warning everyone about the dangers of dung and cow distribution inequality.
- Al Gore (alternate): You had two cows, and a newborn calf. Dubya just had two cows. Despite that, the Supreme Court said he got to run the ranch.
- You helped someone invent a better milking machine. Due to a bad choice of words everybody things you claim that invention to yourself.
Alan Greenspan: You have a printing press that creates cows. You print tons of cows for everyone, then wonder why there are no pastures left.
Ben Shapiro: OK, let’s say hypothetically you have two cows. For the sake of the argument, we can logically assume you obtain milk from these cows; I know this because my wife is a veteranarian. According to facts and logic, you would consume this milk, would you not? Ben Shapiro DESTROYS anti-two cow liberal college snowflakes with sheer FACTS AND LOGIC! INSTANT REGRET! Q&A compilation no. 8,533,677
Bernie Sanders: Do you know what? The Walton family owns as many cows as the bottom 60% of the population and I don't think that's right.
Charles Sumner: You have two cows. A fellow farmer beats you up because you said nasty stuff about the cow-dealing practices and general habitus of his relative.
Chuck Grassley: You have two cows. You milk them and use the milk to make u kno what.
Clarence Thomas: You have two cows. You cannot find any mention of cows in the Constitution, so you get rid of them.
Cliven Bundy: You have two cows that you put out to pasture on your neighbour's field. When he complains and demands compensation, complete strangers turn up and threaten him with violence. Emboldened, you claim that you don't recognise his farm, because you were here first and anyway, black cows are lazy.
David Rice Atchison: You owned two cows for a day. Or at least that's how the story goes.
David Duke: You have two cows. You think they are secretly part of a massive Jewish conspiracy to take over the world and kill all whites. The goyim know.
Dinesh D'Souza: You are an ox. You hate yourself not because you lack a scrotum but because you are not the WASP who owns the farm.
Dick Cheney: You have two cows. But if you can come up with some pretext to invade Iraq, you might be able to get a bunch more.
Elon Musk: You have two cows, and you fund a sophisticated PR campaign to show how nicely you care for them. Convinced of your genius, you then buy 44 more cows. They start disappearing the next day.
Glenn Beck: You had two cows. They were stolen by a Soros-sponsored conspiracy. You want to take them back.
Harold Stassen: You have two cows. They are always running.
Henry Kissinger: Cambodia used to have many cows before you convinced Nixon to bomb them.
Hillary Clinton: You very nearly owned two cows, but you're happy to carry the milk. Who knows, maybe if you carry the milk well enough, you'll get the cows later.
John Birch Society: You have two cows. You killed one because you thought it was a commie.
Mike Pence: You have two cows. One of them produces milk that you don't like the taste of, so you torture it to try and make it produce milk that is more to your liking. It doesn't work.
Mitch McConnell: The Democrats have two cows. You filibuster every time they try to get milk.
Nancy Pelosi: You are a farmhand who catches the farmer embezzling farm subsidies, molesting the two cows, beating some of the other farmhands, making casually racist comments, and jaywalking. You try to call the cops on him for the jaywalking.
Newt Gingrich: You have one cow. It becomes deathly sick, but instead of getting it proper medical care, you get a new cow instead. However, you eventually get bored with the second cow and get a third one. You decide you like the third cow the best and don't really care what happens to the first two.
Occupy Wall Street: You have two cows. You try to make the other farmers who have two cows aware that some farmers have 198 cows....and all of your milk.
Ralph Nader: They have two cows. If you had only kept them out of the fucking cattle judging competition, we might have had better cows than we ended up with.
Ron Paul: You have two cows. You worry that they are worth less and less against the value of gold every day.
Rudolph Giuliani: You have two cows, but whenever you get the chance you bring up the cow that was killed on 9/11.
Sarah Palin: You have two cows. You milk one for five minutes, then give up because it's too hard, after which you collect a $50,000 speaking fee to tell your story.
Tea Party: The government gives you two cows. You then yell, "Keep your gummint hands off my cows!"
Ted Cruz: "Wow, two cows made of butter. My girls would love them. In fact, the first sentence Caroline ever said was 'I like butter'."
Turning Point USA: You have two cows, one with a small face and the other with an adult diaper. They each receive monthly allowances from Charles Koch to repeatedly yell "Exactly!".

British politics[edit]

Alec Douglas-Home: You have two cows, although almost nobody remembers this. You pronounce the word as "coo."
Boris Johnson: You have one United Cow. The world is intrigued whether it will multiply into more cows, with one running off to the protection of the EU and the other to Ireland.
David Cameron: You have two cows. One of them has a blue rosette and thinks it's a bull. The other much smaller cow thinks it's in charge, but really just follows the big one around looking confused.
- You were recently exposed as having put your penis in a dead cow's mouth some years ago.
Gordon Brown: You had six cows. You examine your five cows and find that your four cows need a bit of a wash. You take these three cows but find that your two cows don't meet the right economic criteria. Your one cow finds itself in quite a predicament. Soon all you have left is a load of bull.
John Profumo: It just looks bad that both you and the senior Soviet Naval Attache are milking the same heifer.
Margaret Thatcher: You don't need cows. You just take the milk.
Nick Clegg: You have no cows. You get yourself a cow in exchange for all the milk it produces.
Nick Griffin: You have two cows that can trace their ancestry back to cows owned by William the Conqueror. You fail to see the point when people tell you to send your cows back to France.
Nigel Farage: You have two cows and don't want them to be part of the EU, even though they're Frisians.
Oswald Mosley: You have a very small, mentally disturbed cow that loves you intensely.
Theresa May: You have two strong and stable cows. They are currently lying on their backs in pain after you persuaded your farm workers to cut their legs off while quietly stealing everyone's milk.
Tony Blair: You have a dossier that conclusively shows that there are two cows in Iraq. You are a very honest man and so everyone should believe you about this.
Winston Churchill
- (obvious joke): You have two cows. You shall milk them on the beaches, you shall milk them on the landing grounds, you shall milk them in the fields and in the streets, you shall milk them in the hills...
- (dark satire): You starved 3 million cows to death in Bengal in 1943. None of your biographers ever mention this.

International politics[edit]

Inejirō Asanuma: You have two cows. Both are red, so you slaughter them on live television.
Australian Labor Party: You have two cows. One of them is elected leader. You replace the elected one with a different one to get re-elected. The next election, you decide to switch them round again because the second cow is unpopular. The election after that, you switch them again. You go have a beer.
Tony Abbott: You have two cows. You tell them the government can't be funding their cow lifestyle choices out in remote rural communities, and you certainly don't support their radical plan for same-sex cow marriage. You eat an onion whole.
Silvio Berlusconi: You have two orange cows. One of them is called Bunga. The other one is also called Bunga.
Stephen Harper: You have two cows. They are now drenched in tar.
Angela Merkel: You have two cows but not enough land to support both. People tell you to buy more land or sell one. You wait. All the land is being bought up. You wait. All the new land owners buy enough cows. You wait. Having no alternative you shoot one of your cows.
Enrique Peña Nieto:
- You once couldn't name three cows you milked. You are still elected the farmer of the ranch. Eventually, the cows realize they made a grave mistake.
- Once upon a time, every cow since the Battle of the Cowshed was painted in your colors. The farmer is painted in those same colors since 1910.
Martin McGuinness: You have two cows. Neither of them were there when it happened.
Martin Schulz: You have two cows, and no brakes.
Mustafa Kemal Atatürk: You have two cows. The Kurdish one disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 1938.
Paavo Väyrynen: You have two cows, of whom the first rules the farm and the second wants to take its place. When the first goes out of office, you get another in its stead, and repeat the process each time the ruling cow steps down. The second cow grows old, yet never gets to rule the farm.
Geert Wilders:
- Do you want more cows, or fewer cows?
- You had two cows, but they were stolen by ~~animal activists~~ radical Muslims.
Recep Tayyip Erdoğan: You have two cows. They are now worth 1/18th of an American cow, but at least they built a cool mosque.
Vladimir Putin: You have no cows, but your neighbors have 10 cows. You invade their farm, kill their cows, and destroy their barn. You claim this is to liberate them from the chicken alliance.

Political policy[edit]

American public education:
- You have more cows than any other rancher but get less milk. You are convinced that the problem is that you have too few cows.
- You have two cows. Creationists claim that they are persecuted because you are not teaching people that you have five.
- You teach about cows, but also lambs and goats. Religious right claims you are indoctrinating children because you don't treat lambs like scum.
American higher education: You take out a loan to buy a ranch. Instead you get one cow that you have to milk for four years before it produces anything, and you're expected to build the rest of the ranch yourself.
American healthcare: You have two cows. You only allow the strong one to live.
Irredentism: You have two cows. Despite having more than enough land, you send your cows to take over your neighbor's farm, killing some of his cows and deporting the rest, and instruct one of your cows to live on your newly acquired property — all because his grandfather did the same to your grandfather 50 years ago.
Majoritarianism: You have a cow and two lions. They vote on what's for dinner.
Scottish nationalism debate: You have two cows. You can't decide if your neighbour owns your cows or if you do and whether your neighbour would want them back or not if you move to a new farm. You also can't decide whether you've been giving your neighbour milk all these years or vice versa.
Brexit:
- Your neighbour comes over to help milk your cows and so you set fire to your field killing everyone.
- You lie to your farm workers saying that if they shoot one of your two cows then she'd be replaced with 4 cows. They gladly agree. It doesn't work and now you have one grieving cow which no one can even agree how to milk but you keep saying its a good thing because your workers made the decision.

British figures[edit]

Alan Sugar: You have had a multitude of cows. They weren't great milkers and not one of them has ever won a rosette. And yet this hasn't stopped you from being seen as one of the most successful British farmers around.
David Attenborough: You have two cows. They feel left out because you seem to want to spend your time with all the wild party animals instead of the animals you have at home.
Fawlty Towers: DON'T MENTION THE COWS!
Gordon Ramsay: You have two cows. Red cow! Your milk is so fucking dry you can't even pour it down the drain because the ocean would turn into a fucking dustbowl! And white cow! You've been screwing up your pasture so hard, you oughta be thanking your fucking stars I even let you near any grass! This is the last fucking warning you're going to get! So wake THE FUCK UP!!
Michael Caine:
- You have two cows. Not a lot of people know that.
- You have two cows. It gave the Zulus the edge they needed in the Director's Cut.
Pythonism
- Your mother was a cow and your father smelt of elderberries!
- The cows fart in your general direction
- These cows are no more. They have ceased to be. They have expired and gone to meet their maker. These are two late cows! They are stiffs! Bereft of life, they rest in peace. They have run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! THESE ARE TWO EX-COWS!
- I milk in your general direction!
- ♬ He's a cowfarmer and he's okay, he sleeps all night and he milks all day! ♬
- NOBODY EXPECTS THE FARMER INQUISITION!
Ricky Gervais: You have two cows. Both are over-milked and neither produce milk that is anywhere near as good as they were before.
Russell Brand: You are awash in milk from your two cows. You say that it's horrible that anyone else is.
Sherlock Holmes: You have two cows. You deduce that in all probability they have spent a lot of time in a field eating grass and chewing cud. When asked how you know this you point out that they are cows, and more specifically your cows. You then take some cocaine and play the violin.
Sherlock: Your two cows are ~~psychopaths~~ high functioning sociopaths, do your research, Anderson!
Stephen Fry: You have two cows. You'll probably end up doing a documentary about them.
The Doctor: You have two cows. One of them is a time-traveller.
Christopher Eccleston: You used to have two cows, but you hated having two cows and hate when people remind you you had two cows. That said, all people will remember you for is those two cows.
David Tennant: You grew up idolizing a man with two cows, so much so that you ended up getting two cows. Everyone loved it when you had two cows.
Matt Smith: Everyone was nervous when you got two cows, but they turned out to be extremely good cows.
Peter Capaldi: Everyone thought you were too old to get two cows, but you ended up being one of the best cow owners in a while.
Jimmy Savile: You had two cows, which you abused and molested, but they were too scared to say anything, and everyone saw you as the best cow owner in the UK. When you died the truth came out.
Hugh Laurie: You used to have two cows, but everyone will remember you for when you pretended to be a horse rancher.

Corporations[edit]

Bethesda: You have two cows. You are so bad at milking them that the buckets occasionally fill with Orange Juice instead of milk.
British Petroleum: You have two cows. You poorly maintain your pumping equipment and fail to perform safety checks. Suddenly, one of the pumps breaks and milk floods the field. You go on television to apologize.
Chick-fil-A: You have two cows, which tell people to "eat mor chikin". You make a statement about homosexual cattle and this causes controversy. Despite this, your cows make a lot of money by convincing people to eat chicken instead of beef.
EA: You bought up everyone's favorite cows and turned them into burgers. Stale ones.
Enron: You have two cows, but by creative paperwork you sell a thousand of them. You sell the farm and run away when people turn up demanding their cows.
Hooker Chemical: You had a manure dump that you wanted to wash your hands of. The city knew exactly what it was and built a barn on it anyway, and spread the manure everywhere. Many got sick, and only you got blamed. New laws regarding manure dumps were added, which ironically, you actually complied with.
InBev You bought a herd of American cows, including the fattest cow in the world. You make a milk jug for a cow that used to be a bull, and people stopped buying milk from your fat cow.
Microsoft: You have two perfectly healthy, productive cows. For reasons only known to yourself, you spike their food with Agent Orange and then wonder why nobody wants to buy their milk or meat.
Multi-level marketing: You pay a farmer for three hundred emaciated cows to try to sell them to other people, all while trying to recruit new farmers who can give the milk they earn to you. After everything is over, you only earn one bottle of milk.
Nintendo: You have two cows. One company spokesman thinks it's either an albino alligator or maybe a llama.
Sony: You have two cows that can do everything... except make milk.
Valve: Your cow's production dropped to half? Check out these new cowbells! They now come in camouflage and polka dots! Buy three, get one free! There will never, ever be a cow 3.
Ubisoft: You have two cows but there is also two cows, moo edition where you also pay a little extra for some extra coats of paints your cows come in, two cows, gold edition, that has a season pass that promises a third cow of whatever quality as well as the coats of paint, and two cows: amazing epic bovine edition that has the season pass and a nice silver cow figurine, but NOT the extra coats of paint. In order to milk them you must be connected to Internet.
Union Carbide: You have two cows. The methane they produce kills about 4,000 people. The people aren't white, so you don't feel too bad about it.

News sources[edit]

CNN: You used to have the best cows, but you spent too much money and time making your cows fancy and not enough on feeding them that the good ones left long ago. You only seem to exist because Airports sell your milk.
Fox News: You have two cows. Your neighbour doesn't have any and so you give him one glass of milk. You are now a Communist Nazi Atheist Satanist Muslim America Hater.
Newsweek: In response to poor milk margins, you spice up your ranch's advertising and put Niall Ferguson on centre stage. Now you have no cows.
Russia Today: The West sent two cows to Ukraine to interfere with our special military operation in Donetsk and Luhansk.
The Daily Mail: You have two cows. One of your cows looks slightly different to the other one. What has Britain come to?! Your grandfather didn't defend this country so that you could have a funny looking cow instead of a decent hard working normal looking cow! Kill the funny looking cow before it turns out to be a paedophile or terrorist!
The Grauniad: You hve two smug intelectual cows that udderstand the sutle clasist and racist undertoes in al the other cow jokes on this page. Yuo keep tehm so taht you can have organnic milk to go with yuor muesli.
The Sun: You have two cows. Get the latest on the affair that Cow 1 has been having with the neighbour's bull and hasn't Cow 2 really lost its bikini body after it had its calf? Here's a picture of some massive udders.
The Sun (the American one): Nobody buys your milk, so you advertise it as coming from bat-cows on the mooooon. People still buy it after your hoax gets exposed.
The New York Times
- You have two cows. Both argue politely over the ranch's identity as a bastion of liberal bias or a mouthpiece for torture and warmongering. Cows from other ranches just keep reading.
- You have two cows. One misses Nate Silver.
Radio Londres: Vous avez deux vaches, répétez, vous avez deux vaches.
The Washington Post: You have some number of some species of animal. Any information that we give you about the number and species may be vague, cherry-picked, or just made up, but at least we'll tell you the correct way to feel about them.
TIME: You have a annual poll to determine which of your 100 cows is the most influential. Hackers put Kim Jong-un on the top of the list. (Also, your Cow of the Year for 2013 died in 2011.)
X22 Report Your two cows are part of Q's plan. Nevermind that Q has been visibly full of shit since day one, trust the plan!

The innertubes[edit]

The Internet:
- You have two cats.
- You have two catfish.
4chan: You have OVER 9000 COWS and they're all newfags. For the lulz.
AliExpress: You buy two cows to a Chinese dealer. Shipping costs are higher than the listed price of them, and when the cows finally arrive after a waiting time of several weeks they are not just different to the images that appeared on the seller's page, being smaller and less detailed, but one comes also broken and the other breaks down the first time you milk it.
Bing: You have three pigs.
Buzzfeed: You have two cows. Which cow are you?
Citizendium:
- Before the Charter: You have ten cows. You give one of the cows complete control over the milk production. You'll definitely get some milk when the Charter's done, for sure.
- After the Charter: You have thirty cows. Most of them tell each other how much milk to produce. You don't get any milk.
Conservapedia: You have no cows. All of them have been rangeblocked from the pasture.
- Andrew Schlafly: You have two cows. One cow starts a ~~blog~~ encyclopedia to protest the atheistic public schools pushing the homosexual agenda, using classroom prayer as the argument in mostly everything. The other cows send amicus briefs about why physicians should have guns and why the letter by one Framer matters in recall of a senator while the opinions from the rest of the Framers does not.
- Ken DeMyer: You have two cows. One is hugely fat, the other has no machismo. Atheists have sex with both of them.
- Ed Poor: You have.
- TK: I'm blocking all cows in the entire world because your two cows vandalized Conservapedia, and I'm reporting your two cows to their ISP.
Cracked:
- Fuck cows, I'd rather have Teddy Roosevelt.
- You have the top two cows that are secretly badass fucking wolverines!
- You used to have two great cows, but then you made it impossible for people to comment about the cows and replaced the cows with cows that moo about Donald Trump.
Craigslist: i have 2 cows i need to sell asap they don't seem to make milk but maybe you will have beter luck with that. if your interested contact me i am asking 100$ each OBO. [it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests]
DeviantArt: You have two cows and someone's drawn pictures of them you'd rather not see.
Diaspora: We're going to have privacy aware, non-centralised, free and open-sourced, world-changing... cows! Shit! Forgot that we actually need to get cows! Let's just quietly go work on getting some sheep and pretend it never happened.
DreamWidth: Your two cows are not canon and you should mark them as AU.
Deep Web: You have two cows, but rumor has it that there are twelve other cows hiding on your farm; they are said to give completely ungodly milk.
DuckDuckGo: You have two cows. You make a point of not recording any milk sales, earning you a modest following even with an industrial farmer nearby offering much better milk though that farmer watches your every move and pelts you constantly with advertisements based on the places you visit.
Dvach:
- You have two cows, but everyone says we don't need two cows.
- You have two кови that give you милк, which you put in your поридж. You think that using those words instead of корова, молоко and гастрон makes you much cooler, but in reality people just hate you for it.
eBay: You have two cows. Both were an unwanted gift and are in almost new condition but you will only deliver to your local area. They have been viewed 142 times.
Encyclopedia Dramatica: You have two cows. Both are fat and stupid, and are endless sources of entertainment!
Facebook: You have two cows. They're in a "complicated" relationship and Mark Zuckerberg knows everything about their milk production.
- New Facebook: You have two cows. You gain more cows and get the milk by inviting friends to join your cow milking game.
- Old Facebook: You have four cows, but the pasture was so much cooler back when you only had two.
Fanfiction.net: You have two cows. They hook up with Draco Malfoy.
Fetlife: You have two cows. You couldn't give a damn about the milk, but the milking machines are pretty cool. You lie awake at night, thinking of all the black leather you'll be able to make from them.
FiveThirtyEight: You have two cows, a red cow and a blue cow. Our forecasting model indicates that after November you will have 1.07 red cows, .91 blue cows, and .02 independent cows.
Friends Reunited: You have two cows. Upon discovering this fact, you realise you aren't interested in milking either of them.
Fundies Say the Darndest Things: You catch mad cows and display them in your zoo for people to laugh at. Some cows may be just pretending to be mad.
Furaffinity: You had two cow/rabbit/dragon/mew/renamon/lucario hybrid cubs in a bondage/rape/scat/hyper/mini/vore/lactation situation, but Dragoneer recently banned cub prons due to financial crap so now you don't have them.
The Grayzone: You observe two cows, they both get killed by the farmer who wants to replace them with humans. You really like that farmer, so you start to write a fanzine that says the murder of those cows was a lie by another farmer you hate, the farmer that reported those deaths feeds their cows corn instead of grass, the cows deserved it since they sympathized with a rampaging bull, the stable was stolen from that farmer by the cows, and anyone that criticizes that farmer hates cow farmers.
Geocities: You had two poorly animated .gifs of cows. They got deleted when Yahoo decided your cows sucked.
Google: Google knows that you have two cows. This information will be shared with relevant advertisers for your internet enjoyment.
Homestuck: You have four cows and twelve alien "milkbeasts." It will take several thousand pages before the cows start to make any milk. Suddenly, people attend anime conventions wearing gray face paint.
- Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff: I WARNED YOU ABOUT TWO COWS BRO, I TOLD YOU DOG
Internet relay chat: You have a "cow" that is actually a bull, a "bull" that is actually a calf, and a "calf" that is actually an undercover cop.
Kickstarter: All backers above the $50 tier will receive two cows. This is demonstrated by this 4-minute video showing we already have a glass of milk.
KiwiFarms: Your two lolcows live at 123 Broadway, New York City, and their grandmother's phone number is 212-123-4567, by the way their daughter goes to Made Up High School where she plays volleyball, go harass them.
LessWrong: You don't really have two "cows", just collections of atoms that are bonded together in a form to which your Bayesian mind and prior biases ascribe the word "cow".
- Eliezer Yudkowsky: You have two cows. You refuse to milk them until they admit their prior biases.
Lexicanum: In the grim darkness of the future, there are no cows. There is only war.
LiveJournal: You have two cows, as black as the angst in your soul. They are so off your friends list.
Memory Alpha: These are the moosings of the Starship "Pasteurise." Its mission: to explore strange new curds, and seek out new lactations. To boldly swallow what no man has swallowed before.
Myspace: Wait, Myspace has cows?
NaturalNews:
- Big Pharma is making your cows sick. Buy homeopathic remedies instead.
- The government wants to take your two cows because they're not GMO cows.
Rapture Ready: You have two cows. You don't need to milk them, because Jesus will take you away so soon you won't have time to drink milk.
Reddit:
- You have two cows. One is jacking off to /r/cowsgonewild, the other is circlemilking for upvotes.
- DAE have two cows??? Remember when these jokes were absolute gems?
  - /r/askreddit: What is the most embarrassing yet sexy thing that happened while you were having a threesome with your two cows? What is your edgiest cow?
  - /r/atheism: You have two fedoras.
  - /r/explainlikeimfive: ELI5: How does the udder of a cow work?
  - /r/IAmA: IAmA cow. AMA
  - /r/The_Donald: Donald Trump needs your help to make sure the evil liberals don't take his two cows!
  - /r/todayilearned: TIL that by having two cows I can increase my milk production twofold.
  - /r/AmITheAsshole: I have stolen my neighbours' cows. AITA?
Rightpedia: You must secure the existence of your cows and a future for cow children.
Rotten.com: You have two cows. Well, actually they're just photos of cows that have been run over by a steamroller.
Shareware download sites: You have TUCOWS.
Shareware download sites: You have two girls one cow, but no one really wants to see that.
Shockofgod: You have no cows. You ask for proof and evidence that the belief you have no cows is accurate and correct.
SnapChat: I'll risk my life every day crossing a warzone to get to a place where there's a cellular signal so I can send a silly picture to your two cows so we don't lose our streak.
Snopes: Two cows? I must have more.
Something Awful: You thought you had two cows, but it turns out they were actually furries.
Spirit Science: You have two cows, each with chakras that are somehow linked to the flower of life. To keep them healthy, you keep a crystal next to them and reject all forms of science that reject your woo induced beliefs. Thoth says "Atlantis was run by cows, ergo cows are higher dimensional beings" and are also Space Jews!
A Storehouse of Knowledge: You have two cows. But you can't milk them because CMI says the Bible says they don't produce milk.
- Philip J. Rayment: you have - I never said I had anything. You are committing the your theory doesn't work under my theory fallacy by insisting that is true.

two - non-sequiter

cows - creationists are real scientists and have been published in peer reviewed journals writing about the cow baramin.

Streisand Effect: You have two cows. Nobody knows you have two cows until you demand everyone stops knowing about your cows.
Time Cube: YOU THINK HAVE TWO COWS BUT EACH COW IS FOUR PARTS OF FOUR SIMULTANEOUS COWS. THE COWS PRODUCE NO MILK AS MILK IS NOT PART OF CUBE TRUTH, THE ONLY TRUTH. There is but ONE path to milk and that is to forsake the EVIL of the COW LIE which the in farmer milk the cows when only the COWS can produce milk, NOT farmer. IF THE FARMER COMES TO MILK THE COWS I WILL KILL THE BASTARD MYSELF.
Tumblr: You have two cows, but NEITHER OF THEM HELP YOU DEAL WITH ALL YOUR FEELS.
TV Tropes: Averted in Neon Genesis Evangelion, which has no cows at all. But the fanfic This Troper wrote have all the cows you want, according to Word Of God.
Twitter: @cowfan u have 2 cows u make sure 2 let ur followers know their situation every 20 sec or so. bit.ly/9DP1Zq #Milking
Uncyclopedia: You have two silicon-based mammoth simulacra which, surprisingly, resemble cows. One gets roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, and the other goes back in time to the year 456854 BCE to stop Oscar Wilde from being born.
Upworthy: This man has two cows. What he did with them will amaze you!
Wandalism: You have OMGZLOL!!!! GAYZORDS!!! two cows.
Wikipedia:
- You have 3 million cows.^{[citation needed]} Somehow, it all works out just fine. See WP:COW
- You have two cows. This joke is a stub. You can help by expanding it.
Wish: These two cows are only $1 a piece, but they'll take forever to ship from China if they ever arrive at all, and if/when they do arrive they'll fall apart in two days.
Wookieepedia: You have two nerfs.
WorldNetDaily: You have two cows. You only milk one because the other was born in Kenya.
Ylilauta:
- (ca. 2011–2013) You have two cows. One of them is a 1337 haXor who can SQL inject the shit out of websites and is a proud owner of LOIC. The other enjoys drinking Euroshopper energy drinks and can reportedly do wheelies with a milk cart. Both are underage.
- (now) You have two cows. You've started to think that they are terrible, because people keep posting images where they are always depicted as inferior to foreign cows.
YouTube:
- [These cows have been removed due to a copyright claim by Bos primigenius. Sorry about that.]
- You have two cowpyright strikes.

Browsers[edit]

Brave: You have two cows that are paranoid about big tech tracking them.
Edge: You have two cows that people keep mistaking for a different set of cows, but yours lack old buggy features.
Firefox: You have two cows. It takes longer and longer to get into the barn each time you go there.
- You have two cows that you swear are morphing slowly into Google Chrome's cows.
Internet Explorer: You have a cow and it ~~already knows you want a second one before you do~~ finally died. Your cows are notorious for being infected with mad cow disease.
Google Chrome: You have a very fast and shiny cow that watches you constantly and tends to be terrible at doing what your boss wants it to do.
- You have two cows. It takes you far too long to move from one to the next.
- You have two cows that are virtually identical to Firefox's cows.
Lynx: You're the oldest ranch in existence. Nobody knows if you even have cows.
Netscape Navagator: Your two cows were no match for Bill Gates' empire and have largely been forgotten.
Opera: You are the first ranch to allow more than one cow. The other browsers copy you. Most barns are built with other cows in mind; as a result most barns don't automatically support 3rd party mooing and advertisements for local single cows near you.
Safari: You have two cows. Their milk is only able to be sold in one type of container.
Tor Browser: You have two cows. They are masters of online anonymity.
Yandex: У вас две коровы.

Operating systems[edit]

Android:
- You have two cows. You have to get rid of them to make room in memory for the operating system's updates.
- You have two cows. If you're milking one, stop a moment to take care of the other, and come back you'll find either the milk has disappeared and it's flowing again from the udders, or it has been lost and have to start again.
Android (derivative versions as MIUI): As Android, but the cows not only look different but also when milking it's easier to lose the milk when going to take care of the other and have to start anew. Likewise, as time passes by, either the cow will produce fewer and worse milk and you will have to buy a new one or it will refuse to age.
ASCII: 59 6F 75 20 68 61 76 65 20 74 77 6F 20 63 6F 77 73
DOS: C:\Cow; C:\Cow\Run; Run\Cow\Run!
- Error reading COW2. Abort, Retry, Fail?
- Bad command or filename
HACMP: You have two cows. If one dies then the other produces its milk.
iOS: You have two cows. Somehow one only produces milk when it's on a given position and you must milk them using expensive, Apple-provided, equipment and in the way Apple says. Also, see Macintosh below.
Windows:
- You have two cows. Occasionally, they refuse to produce milk, for no explicable reason. Your fences can't keep cattle rustlers away unless you fix them twice a day. Occasionally, one of your cows explodes and covers the pasture with blue hamburger. Killing a cow and bringing it back to life usually resolves your problems.
- 9X: Your two cows have performed an illegal operation. ~~Joe Arpaio is on his way to arrest you as a result.~~
- XP: Your two cows have encountered a problem and need to close. Please tell Microsoft about this problem.
- Your cow is eating straw 6/23099. Do not move, disturb, or milk cow. Once the eating process has been finished the cow will automatically fall asleep.
Macintosh: You have two very elegant and incredibly expensive cows. The milk is beautiful and five years ~~more~~ less advanced than any other milk out there. Because of this, you are an insufferable jerk about cattle. You have to kill your cow to buy a completely new one when it stops producing milk.
- Apple (old school): You have ][ cows.
Linux:
- You have two ~~penguins~~ cows that are incredibly productive, but only people with degrees in animal husbandry can get any milk out of them.
- You have one cow. This is the year of the cow, when you'll finally get a second one. Except it really isn't. It never is.
  - Debian: sudo apt install 2cows
    - Ubuntu: You have two cows, one can live up to five years, while the other only lasts for 8 months. They both are branded by Amazon.
  - RedHat: You have a cow that successfully demonstrates a business practice of selling public knowledge of cow breeding, but other farmers still get a cow that milks just like yours, but is all brown and branded differently.
  - Arch: i milk 2 cows btw
  - Gentoo: You have two robotic cows that need to go through a lengthy reconstruction process because the tool that you built them with slightly changed.
  - Linux From Scratch: Consult your global origins belief to view this joke.
GNU HURD: You own two cows with stunted growth. You keep them anyway, since you spent a whole bunch of time tending them in their childhood, and they were a new breed of cow when you bought them.
Lisp machines: You used to have two cows, but those fools didn't understand their value and they starved. You talk about what great cows they were constantly.
Spectrum 48K: LET COW = 2. You produced excellent milk. You also got extremely hot and bounced when dropped.
- Spectrum +2/+3: You purchased two extremely successful cows. You then proceed to run them into the ground.
Texas Instruments TI99/4A:

100 FOR X=1 TO 2

110 LET Y=X-1

120 CALL CHAR(1,Y*8+1,02061AEFA2E32121)

130 NEXT X

RUN

VMWare: You only actually have one cow but it appears as two.
AmigaOS: You have two cows. One of them is in a flashing red barn.

Programming languages[edit]

Adobe Flash: You have object twoCows. (Not an error)
Assembly: You have several buckets of proteins, lipids, and DNA bases, with which you could conceivably create an efficient milk-producing factory without having to built two entire cows.
BASIC:You have two aurochs.
Binary: You have 10 cows.
C: You have two (segmentation fault)
C++: You accidentally create a bunch of instances of class Cow. Counting them is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying "That's me, over there."
C#: You have two cows in a private field, and that field is contained in your property.
COBOL: GOTO COW002
Coq: It takes two post-docs six months just to prove that cows exist.
Haskell: You tell everyone that you don't milk your cows, and the milk just magically appears in the bucket. In reality you unsafely milk them when no one is looking.
Java: You have a cow factory.
JavaScript: You have 2 cows, but you can't milk them because then the rest of the farm stops working.
Lisp: You have a cow, that cow has a next cow.
Perl: You have 2 cows, one is shaped like a chicken, the other like a fish. No one really understands it, but somehow they produce milk.
PHP: You have 2 cows, but everyone complains they're really crappy cows.
Python: You have two cows, which you imported from the cattle module from the animals package.

You have two cows that lack signs of life. Whenever you try to sell them you say they're just sleeping.
You have two cows that are flying for some reason. You probably shouldn't have imported antigravity

R: In order to milk your cows you have to first convert them into sheep except that the sheep don't produce milk they produce eggnog which you then have to convert back into milk. You try to put your milk into bottles but need to use double bottles and stick a straw in each otherwise each pint of milk will inexplicably turn out to be a tub of butter.
SQL:SELECT * FROM Structure.Barn sb WHERE sb.Animal = 'Cow' AND sb.Quantity = 2
UnrealScript: You have two Nali War Cows and your first question is how to turn them into giblets.

Television and film[edit]

24: I AM A FEDERAL AGENT! WHERE ARE THE TWO COWS YOU STOLE FROM THE CIA? TELL ME! *gunshot* *screaming*
Alien: You have two cows. They have no eyes and both their udders have other, smaller udders in place of teats. They give milk by injecting their young into the chest cavity of your goats.
Ancient Aliens: Humans have often believed that you have two cows. But is it possible that those two cows actually descended from aliens? Ancient astronaut theorists seem to suggest that the ancient texts were not referring to cows, but, rather, to aliens.
Archer: Really? Do you want COWS? Because THAT'S how you get cows!
Batman: You had two cows, but they were made into hamburger in front of your very eyes. You have devoted your life to an obsessive crusade against rustling. You also have a young calf that everyone assumes you sleep with.
Beavis and Butthead: Heh heh. He said cows. Heh heh. This list sucks. Heh heh.
Blade Runner: You have two cows, but they are not really cows. Your job is to kill them, but one of the cows might be yourself. In a different medium, maybe the cows dream of sheep. Sometimes you dream of a unicorn, does that mean you are one of the cows?
Boardwalk Empire: You have two cows. One of them is involved with a whisky-smuggling operation, and helps distribute booze to the other farms.
Breaking Bad: You're worried about someone coming here to moo? I am the one who moos!
Charmed: Your two cows were actually demons seeking to wreck havoc on the city of San Fransisco, so the Charmed ones will have to use the power of three to vanquish them.
A Clockwork Orange: You have two cows: a real horrorshow moodge and his droog, a gromky molody malchik. They make up their rossoodocks to skvat the first dama they viddy for a bit of the old in-out in-out.
Countdown with Keith Olbermann: You have the two worst cows in the world.
Dallas: You have two cows. One of them gets shot. But it all was a dream.
Daria: You and your kid sister each have a cow. Your kid sister cannot keep up with the demand for her cow's milk, while your cow's milk has a small cult following.
Dawson's Creek: You have two cows. Everytime they touch you analyze what it means for their future relationship.
Deadliest Catch: You have two cows that somehow were in the crab pot you just pulled out of the water. You suspect a practical joke by another ship. You plot revenge.
Death Note: You have two cows. They spend a very, very, very long time using their big brains to trap each other, but never really accomplish anything. There are also death gods flying around, by the way.
Doctor Who: (old school): You have two cows. One twists her ankle and screams, the other one tries to take over the world.
- Doctor Who (new school): You have two cows. Both get killed off and resurrected the next episode through time travel shenanigans.
Dexter: You had two cows. Cow #1 killed cow #2, so he meets my code. I'll have cow #1 on my table tonight.
Family Guy: You have two cows, which reminds you of that time you tried to milk a giraffe for a minor hollywood film star.
Firefly: You have two cows that produce pretty good milk. Fox pisses in the milk, forgets to put it in the fridge and spills most of it on the floor.
Friends: You have two blindingly white cows. They have an extremely long-running on and off relationship instead of actually producing any milk.
Futurama:
- Bite my shiny bovine udder!
- Wait, this milk actually tastes like shi-ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOBULL
- Yeah, well, I'm going to go build my own cow ranch! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the cow ranch and the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing...
Game of Thrones:
- You have two cows. You will kill the most likable and heroic one off when the other one least expects it.
- You have two cows. They will only produce milk if they can watch two prostitutes having sex at the same time.
Ghost Hunters: You have two cows. You like to go into the barn after dark and...OH MY GOD!!!! WHAT WAS THAT!!!!
Haven: You have two cows. They are both "troubled."
Hell's Kitchen: You have two steaks. And they're so fucking undercooked that they might as well be two live fucking cows! They're fucking RAW, you donkey! SHIT!
The History Channel: You had two cows, but they were both mutilated by alien astronauts in UFOs who look like Hitler, were prophesied by Nostradamus and left crop circles.
House: You have a dog and a cat. They shred your ankles every day. You are told by an extraordinarily obnoxious genius that your dog and cat are actually two incredibly rare cows.
How I Met Your Mother: Your dad has two cows. You ask him how he got them and instead he spends 8 seasons complaining about all the cows he used to have, during which time you discover that the chickens are actually much more interesting.
Highlander: You have two cows. There can be only one.
King of the Hill: If these two cows don't produce milk and milk accessories, I'm going to kick their ass, I tell you hwat!
Law & Order: You have two cows that you can find on television, on at least one channel, at any time of day 24/7/365.
Lost: You have two cows, and three thousand theories about what they mean. You can't figure out what to do with the cows, so you just tell everyone they represent LOVE.
The Matrix: You have two cows, but as the cows don't really exist, you only have to milk yourself.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: You have two cows. You don't want to think about it too much, but somewhere, somehow, is someone who is making a handsome profit out of crafting plushie portraits of your cows.
MythBusters: You have two cows. You test whether people buy the cows when they can get the milk for free. In the end, you blow up the cows.
Nikita: You have two cows, you use them to harm your ex-employee in any way possible until they turn against you.
Orphan Black: You thought you had one cow, but it turns out you have several, one of which is crazy and trying to kill the others.
Pinky and the Brain: You have two cows. They do the same thing they do every night: try to take over the world!
Rick and Morty: You have two cows. A group of idiots online think you need to be intelligent to milk them.
Rocky Horror Picture Show: You have two cows. Do you want to have sex with them? Don't dream it, be it.
Sesame Street: This show was brought to you by the letters C, O, W, and S, and by the number 2.
Saving Private Ryan You send a bunch of cows to the slaughterhouse to rescue a single calf. Also, Malcolm Reynolds, Walter White, and Riddick are all barely in this movie.
Seinfeld: This is a joke about nothing. No cows, no milking.
The Simpsons:
- You don't have a cow, man!
- Mmm, cows.
The Sopranos: You have two cows you got by whacking a farmer.
- The Sopranos (finale): You have two c—
Spiderman: You have two cows. Your extraordinary abilities mean that you are responsible for taking care of them.
Stargate Universe: You have two cows, that apparently provide the best milk ever. If you wait for 2 years. You wait, and then as you hook them up to the milking machine, both cows die.
Star Trek
- The Original Series:
  - You encounter two cows. They are omnipotent, godlike entities that can wipe you out of existence with a swish of their tails, but you somehow manage to find a way to defeat them.
  - "What are those things, Spock?" "They're cows, Jim, but not as we know it."
  - "Dammit Scotty, I need more milk." "I cannae break the laws of lactation, Captain!"
  - "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a diary-maid!"
- The Next Generation:
  - You find a planet with two cows. The Prime Directive prohibits you from trying to improve milk production.
  - You think you have two cows, but it's really just Q playing another elaborate trick on you.
  - Worf has lost one of your cows. This means he has no honor, and he must go on a quest to regain it.
- Deep Space Nine: You started with two cows, but now you have a sprawling war and politics epic.
- Voyager: When a pair of mysterious trans-phasic bovine entities spontaneously appear in the warp core, you are forced to eject it - but after they take control of holodeck and create an unsettlingly idyllic pasture, you must think of a deus ex machina ending to the episode as soon as possible!
- Enterprise: You have two cows. The executives running your farm do all sorts of weird shit to get them to produce milk. Then they kill the cows just as they start producing milk.
- Star Trek (rebooted film series): You have two very familiar looking cows, except they're younger and have more sex.
- Discovery: You have two cows. They don't produce milk for two seasons, so you push them into a time travel machine that takes them 900 years into the future.
Star Wars (original trilogy): You have two cows. You learn that one is your father, and the other is your sister.
- Star Wars: You have two cows. … These aren't the two cows we're looking for.
- Star Wars (prequel trilogy):
  - You have two cows, both make surprisingly good milk but everyone hates them for some reason so they decide to harass a 10 year old boy who helped you care for the cows.
  - You have two computer generated cows. You keep the merchandising rights for the milk and sleep at night on a mattress filled with money.
  - You have two cows. They argue about the quality of the pasture that was never meant to be argued about and just was created to make the farmer exponentially more money.
- Star Wars (sequel trilogy): You have two cows that look suspiciously much like your previous ones. Nobody cares, because everybody still buys their milk.
Supernatural: You have two cows. They're both possessed by demons and anyone who drinks their milk also ends up becoming possessed.
There Will Be Blood: If you have two cows, and I have two cows, and I have a milking machine, my milking machine reaches across the room and starts to milk your cows. I. Milk. Your! COWS!
Top Chef: You have two cows. You have 3 hours to turn them into a 6-course meal.
Torchwood: You have two cows. You must protect them from the butcher who comes to Cardiff through the time rift while still finding the time to have sex with all of the other cattle ranchers. And their cows.
Twilight: You have two cows. They are some damn fine cows. You don't deserve to have them. The cows are mysterious and stare at you in all kinds of creepy manners. Such beautiful legs the cows have. You regularly forget to breathe when you gaze upon their golden eyes. The cows follow you to inappropriate measure. You cannot stop thinking about how insanely good-looking your cows are. You have only had them for a few days but are certain that you cannot possibly enjoy life, ever, if you don't milk your cows. They are gorgeous cows. You cannot fathom why they should be owned by you, the most awkward and boring human of all times. Pretty sparkling cows. You forget to breathe while imagining how smooth their teats should feel in your trembling hands if the cows only let you touch them. Your cows mysteriously refuse to let you milk them and say it would be too dangerous. You don't care. The cows and their sensual tails invade your most private daydreams. Three books worth of whining, sulking and social engineering later you finally get to milk your cows and nearly die in the process. Soon after you nearly die while washing the milk pail. They say 'told you so'. The cows are so fucking sexy.
Twin Peaks: You have two cows. They are not what they seem.
The Vampire Diaries: You have two cows. They are both killed off to move the plot forward.
The Wire: You have two cows. Their lives are a brutal portrayal of life on the margins in post-industrial America.
Yu-Gi-Oh: You have two cows. You won them by defeating someone in a children's card game.

Film directors[edit]

Aki Kaurismäki: You have fifteen cows and a pig. Thinking life will be better at the other end, they want to move from one end of the farm to the other one via the sewer system and other underground means. Most of them die on the journey.
Christopher Nolan: You are dreaming about two cows. Are they real? We're not sure, but thousands of pages on the internet will be written about them.
David Cronenberg: You used to have two cows, but now you're not sure what they've been turned into, only that they look hideous and seem to be very uncomfortable.
David Lynch: A strange-looking man walks up to you and tells you that you will receive two cows. The cows arrive, only one of them appears to be a hideously deformed chicken. Upon attempting to milk the deformed chicken/cow, you find yourself in a parallel reality where you're not a farmer at all, but instead a failed actor who's making ends meet by doing dwarf porn. After a series of downright bizarre occurrences, the strange-looking man reappears, knowing who you really are, and shoots you.
D. W. Griffith: You have two cows. You paint the white one black and make it into an insane caricature. Then you put the other white one in a ghost costume and make her the hero. You don't understand why people are upset.
Eli Roth: You have two cows. They get bloodily tortured to death within a week of meeting you.
George Lucas: You once had two interesting and beloved cows, but you milked them to death and then sold them.
Guillermo del Toro: You have two mecha.
James Cameron: You have two cows. They look absolutely amazing, but take eight years to produce ordinary milk.
Ishiro Honda: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city.
Lars von Trier: You have two cows. They can only be milked if the conditions for absolute realism are met and they are as depressed as possible.
Leni Riefenstahl: You have two cows that adore Hitler. You can't understand why this upsets people.
Luc Besson:You steal two cows, but the farmer lets you keep one if you do his dirty work.
M. Night Shyamalan: You can see two dead cows. But wait, the cows are actually cats! Whadda twist!
Michael Bay: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. Their milk is mostly comprised of explodium.
Michael Moore: You had two cows. Until George W. Bush was elected, they gave chocolate milk. Now, they just give oil, and Halliburton buys it very cheap.
Oliver Stone: You have two cows. One killed JFK, the other fought in Vietnam and was changed forever by the experience.
Peter Jackson: You have one cow. You grab hold of its legs really hard and stretch with all your money and somehow you end up with 3 cows. You rub your hands with glee at all the milk you'll now be able to produce.
Quentin Tarantino: You have two cows. Their milk is seen before they are milked, they perform acts of extreme violence to other cows whilst having mundane conversations. The white one uses the n-word a lot. You also have an odd obsession with their hooves.
Roger Corman: You have two cows. They are ten feet tall (though you insist they're over a hundred, your fellow farmers can still spot the difference) and fight each other, destroying a major city.
Roland Emmerich: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city.
Roman Polanski: You drug and have sex with a calf. You flee to Switzerland. Half of Hollywood insists that the calf knew what she was doing. The calf, now cow, just wants to moove on with her life already.
Russ Meyer: You have two cows. They have huge udders. They then start to wrestle each other, much to the delight of the bulls in the next pen.
Sergei Eisenstein: You have two cows, and you film them walking down a hill, chasing one of their calves. Every other cattle rancher copies you.
Sergio Leone: The two cows stare intensely at each other to a Morricone soundtrack. Then one cow shoots the other cow.
Stanley Kubrick: One cow is viewed in a long, wide shot. Slowly panning right, to ominous music against a huge open backdrop, a second cow comes into view.
Stephen Spielberg: You have two cows. They are a hundred feet tall and fight each other, destroying a major city. Eventually, one of them learns the true meaning of love.
Woody Allen: You have two cows. They both live lives of angst-ridden loneliness in New York, until a chance encounter brings them together. Milk ensues.
Zhang Yimou: You have two cows. One of them is so beautiful that the hardship and adversity experienced by all on the farm is OK.

Performers[edit]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: You have two cows. You'll be back for them.
Harrison Ford: You have two cows. They've got a bad feeling about this.

Authors[edit]

Science fiction and fantasy[edit]

Anne McCaffrey: You have two cows. That fly and breathe fire. They appear in four hundred sequels.
Anne Rice: You have two cows. And if anyone writes fan-fiction about them, you will sue.
Arthur C. Clarke: A large black monolith appears and then you have two cows.
China Miéville: You have two cows that overlap with each other. There might be a third one in there somewhere as well.
Christopher Paolini: You have ~~three~~ five cows. They all look exactly like George Lucas' cows, but in a different setting.
Clive Cussler: You have two cows that you raised from the bottom of the ocean. Some foreigners will try to steal them from you.
C. S. Lewis: You have two cows. One of them is Jesus. Maybe.
Dan Brown: Jesus secretly owned two cows. Now a secret branch of the Catholic Church is trying to suppress this truth, and they're gonna kill you for getting in their way.
Douglas Adams:
- You have 42 cows.
- Cows!. Don't talk to me about cows.
- You have three cows in five parts.
David Weber: You have two cows in space. Bad guys come to take them, and they fire 58 bajillion missiles at you.
Eric Flint: You have two cows. They used to graze in year 2000 West Virginia. Now they graze in 1632 Thuringia. There are more than five hundred different ways to milk the cows - all canon.
Frank Herbert:
- You have two cows. They are eaten by Shai-Hulud.
- You have two cows. Drinking the milk allows you to see the future, so your cows are vital to intergalactic commerce. The milk must flow.
- Brian Herbert: Because your father had two excellent cows, you and a friend sell loads of bullshit.
George R. R. Martin: You have two families of cows. Plus a huge herd of other cows. You kill a lot of them but the farm keeps growing. You have an endless supply of boiled leather.
Harry Harrison: Your dairy suffers a Malthusian catastrophe. When the tragedy is adapted to film audiences remember only one line: "Big Macs are people!"
Harry Turtledove: Adolf Hitler/Jefferson Davis had three cows instead of two. Because of this, World War II changes completely.
H. G. Wells: You have two cows that were looted from your country's colonial holdings. You contemplate this and then write a speculative novel about what would happen if aliens did the same thing to your country.
H. P. Lovecraft: You have two Elder Cows from beyond time and space. They will eventually rise up from their pasture and devour the human race. You go mad contemplating this.
Isaac Asimov: One of your two cows is a disguised robot. No one is on drugs.
J. K. Rowling: Your story stars two cows. After it becomes a huge success, you reveal that one of them was really into other cows without ever having had to risk any milk. You get a bit nervous when you hear about a cow that used to be bull, and everyone hates you now.
John Scalzi: You have two cows that keep making snarky comments about the obvious similarity between Orson Scott Card's cows and Robert A. Heinlein's cows, despite the fact your own cows look like Heinlein's, too.
J. R. R. Tolkien: You have two cows. One of them is descended from Turgon, son of Fingolfin, son of Finwë, and dwelt in the hidden city of Gondolin, that in Quenya is called Ondolindë, which is The Rock of the Music of the Water. The other is the daughter of... (continue for 300 pages)
Margaret Atwood: You have two milk cows. Being female, they suffer.
Michael Moorcock: You have two cows in every conceivable universe that has ever existed or will exist. You will also fail to milk them in each one.
Orson Scott Card: You have two cows. They're nice, sweet, and fascinating, and only after petting them do people find out that you're a homophobic bigot and wonder how those cows are yours.
Peter Watts: Imagine that you have two radially symmetrical, hallucination inducing cows. It doesn't matter that you don't know how to milk them. The system knows.
Philip K. Dick: You and your two cows discover you are actually robots. Robots on drugs.
Roald Dahl: You used to have two cows when you were a kid, and you were regularly asked to judge which cow made better milk. You use this experience to write a book about a dairy processor and its weird and seclusive owner when you grow up.
Robert A. Heinlein (pre-dirty old man days): You are a very intelligent young man who has two cows. You and them get on a rocket for Venus where you become wealthy selling milk to the settlers.
- Robert A. Heinlein (post-dirty old man days): You have two cows. You genetically engineer a human crossbreed with one of them, so you can have sex with it, and still get free milk.
Robert Asprin: You go on zany but fun adventures through multiple dimensions with two cows. One cow makes puns about a dimension you haven't visited yet, the other cow gives you a long lecture on how to improve your life.
Robert Jordan: You have two cows. You told your milk customers you'd stop after producing ten gallons. You've produced fifteen, and will produce more, despite being dead.
Stan Lee: You have two cows. Not only is one of them a web-spinner, it's also a money spinner. And it may have fornicated with Jack Kirby's wife.
Stephen Donaldson: You have two cows, but they turned out to be allegorical. And it doesn't matter anyway, because you're a leper. Bloody Hell!
Stephen King: You have two cows, in Maine. They develop mad cow disease and try to kill you, but only after at least 200 pages of flashbacks and tangents.
Stephenie Meyer: You have two cows. Both feature in your self-insert novel about how you're swept off your feet by the man of your dreams who just happens to be a creepy, possessive, stalker. You build up a huge subplot involving the cows that's much more interesting than the love story, but you never pay it off.
Terry Goodkind: You have two cows. You slaughter them because they are pacifists.
Terry Pratchett: You had two cows, intoned Death.
David Wong: You have two cows, but it turns out you are a ghost kept in this dimension so one of them has someone to tell their story to. The other is annoyed because people constantly call her a cow online.

Literature[edit]

Aldous Huxley: You have five cows, named Alpha through Epsilon. They give you an excuse to rail against modernity.
Ann Bannon: You have two cows. They share a love that dare not speak its name.
Archolochus: He is a lord of cow-rearing Lelantus/Who spent two cows to fuck my fiancee Neobule/Who is the sluttish daughter of Lykambes whom all mock.
Aristophanes: You have two absolutely hilarious and fantastical cows, but they're only funny if you know a lot about about Greek History, so they're difficult to recommend.
Carl Sagan: You had billions and billions of cows, made of stardust.
Charles Bukowski: You have two cows. What the fuck are you doing with two fucking cows? Fuck the cows, trade them for two bottles of fucking rye.
Charles Dickens: In the village of Gower-upon-Frome, a nearly unknown hamlet in the midst of Dorset, you had two cows - and no common cows, but cows of such merit and breeding that the very sight of such beasts would cause a mere passer-by to acclaim their quality without prompt nor inquiry to any man, be he of strict consequence or not, stating that without a doubt, this pair of cows was amongst the finest ever to trod the grim pastures of southern Albion. As a verification of this seemingly remarkable claim, one need only approach the man known to his compatriots simply as 'Old Frimm', the farrier of Gower-upon-Frome, who from his youth was so acquainted with cows that one might remark that husbandry of these creatures ran through his blood, having been reared among them during his formative years in the farmlands of Northumbria, whence he learnt of their most intimate nature, and would attest to their superlative status not merely of his own testimony, but would swear that even the most docile of men would affirm this claim: the sort of man who, upon finding himself lost in the dismal alleys of Knightbridge in the dreary evenings following Michaelmass when the fog settled heavily upon the city, would not ask the kindly old man in the tobacconist to point him in the proper direction, but rather from a meek disposition would wander the streets of London until he happened upon that familiar lamp-post or cobblestone way that would point him toward Charing Cross, and from there back to his native abode wherein his meager bowl of porridge awaited him (by now long since cold)—yes, even such longanimous man as this would, given the opportunity, proudly and with prestigious spirit proclaim before the House of Lords that these two cows were the paragon of virtue and indeed amongst the most beneficent in all the land.
Chaucer: Thou hast two cowes, blisful matir for to seke,

Thy cowes art but a milde wight and meke.

Ernest Hemingway: For Sale: Two Cows, Never Milked.
E.L. James: You have two cows. One of them is the inner goddess of the other one.
Franz Kafka: You have two cows. You feel guilty, but you have no clue why.
George Orwell:
- ~~FOUR COWS GOOD, TWO COWS BAD.~~ FOUR COWS GOOD, TWO COWS BETTER.
- Big Bull has increased your number of cows from three to two.
Gore Vidal: Your bulls are prone to being raped. You think that this is some sort of deep social statement.
Homer: You have τοὺς βοῦς. They were plunder from Agamemnon's conquest, that long struggle which reduced the once-mighty walls of Troy to ash-covered etchings barely protruding from the foreign ground. As when a man sits beneath a tree thinking of adventures from times long ago, and a leaf falls and catches his eye, so that he raises his gaze before falling back into his reminiscences, so chew the cows their cud.
Hunter S. Thompson: You were somewhere outside Barstow, on the edge of the desert, when the cows began to take hold.
James Joyce: Once upon a time and a very good time it was you had two moocows thundering and befumbling through your pasture up and down the Liffey through Double-bubblin' Town betwixt the bedamnned spaniels and spindles ne'er espying the crumblin' down formations of Jezebel and Monto, the last of the tinkers' tradesmen. 'Hullabaloo and Huzzanahs!' they cry amongst the parapets frowning renown and spewing bahooey where Paddy Doyle and the cobbler's stalls broke back the bottoms of boots. Snickeree! Snickeroo! and bloody bombastic tirades of Mary and Malone, frothlemocking men and pestlepricking the lads and ladies...
James Patterson: You used to have two cows, but now you're primarily a brand name for others' milk.
Jane Austen: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of two cows must be in want of a wife.
Max Brooks: You had two cows when the outbreak began. One of them was bitten and you had to kill it before it turned into a zombie.
Nikolai Gogol: You are very proud of your two dead cows. Both are Ukrainian.
Robert Pirsig: You have a cow, except that no, you don't, since you use "cow" to mean something else. This disappoints people who love cows.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge:
- You had two cows, but then YOU SHOT AN ALBATROSS YOU FUCKER. Repentance strongly recommended.
- In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
  a stately Cattle-ranch decree...
Tom Stoppard: Hamlet had two cows. Here's a funny story about them.
William Faulkner: You have a herd of cattle, each of which gets a turn telling the story from its own perspective. At the end, people still have no idea what's going on.
William Shakespeare:
- You have two cows, one is a bull but they are twins so you can't tell them apart. Milking is dodgy.
- A cow, a cow, my kingdom for a cow!
- Cry havoc! And let slip the cows of war!
- Some milk is rotten in the State of Denmark

Others[edit]

Jack Chick: You have two cows. Anyone who doesn't own cows isn't aware that milk even exists. Anyone who owns one cow is actually part of an ancient conspiracy out to make cow owners secretly own warthogs. Anyone who owns three or more cows actually owns warthogs, not cows, and worships a child-eating monster crocodile.
Ray Comfort: You have two cows. Despite cows having been subject to selective breeding for thousands of years, you see them as proof of a benevolent creator.
Masaru Emoto: You have two cows. Their milk curdles if you think negative thoughts about them.
Harlan Ellison: "Milking. Let me tell you how much milking I've come to do since I began to farm. There are 387.44 million heads of cattle on 1,000lb bovines that populate my ranch. If the word 'milk' was tattooed on each cell of those hundreds of millions of cows it would not equal one one billionth of the milk I'm able to extract from cows at this very instant. From udders. Milk. Milk."
Authors of self-help books: "The battle is between two cows in each of us, one good, one evil." "Which cow wins?" "The one you feed."

Music[edit]

Genres[edit]

Alternative music: You have two cows. They're cool because no one else has ever tasted their milk before. When they do, your cows are sell outs.
Blues:
- I woke up this morning! (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫) And my cows were gone! (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫) They gone and done away with my milk (♫ dee-do dee-do ♫)...
- If you take your two cows down to the crossroads near the Dockery Planation at midnight, you will meet a large black man. Allow him to milk the cows and you will receive the greatest milk ever. But beware, that man is the Devil, and you will have traded your soul for that milk.
Classical music: Your two cows are a reaction to the post-serialist movement pioneered by the Second Viennese School, instead taking inspiration from the stochastic protominimalist neo-Romantic tone-rows as a deciding factor in the compositional process.
Country: You had two cows once, before they left and broke your heart. Those were good times.
Drum and Bass: You have two cows that move by jumping every other second and their moos are twice as deep as ordinary cows.
Dubstep: You have a cow that is stitched together from (at least) two other cows. It wobbles when it walks, but then drops.
EDM: You have two cows that leave the barn before midnight, return at 5 in the morning and cannot function the next day.
Eurobeat: You have two cows, both of whom are Italian, but well versed in English. For some reason, they're huge in Japan, and can be seen drifting across the pasture at high speed.
Indie music: You have two cows, and they definitely don't come from one of those big mega dairies.
Jazz: You have two cool cats.
Metal: You have two cows. To outsiders their milk is identical, but to you they couldn't be more different; one is Ambient Symphonic Industrial Death Milk, the other is post Ambient Symphonic Industrial Death Milk.
New Age: You get really in touch with the natural beauty that is two cows, whose moos sound the same backwards and forwards and play in elevators.
Opera: You have a bull and a cow. The bull finds another cow back home. The cow kills herself out of heartbreak.
Pop music: You have a cow, a chorus, another cow, a chorus, a middle-8, a breakdown, and two more choruses, all while everything is in a 1-4-5-1 progression.
Progressive rock: Instead of milking your two cows daily and feeding them grass, you feed them weed and milk them once a year. The resultant milk is copious and excellent to drink but people tend not to know why it's good. You might also get high.
Punk: Fuck you, you corporate sheep, we don't have any cows! Cows are tools of corporate America! Fight the system! Our merchandise and albums are available in the concession stands.
Rap: You have two cows. One is socially conscious, the other has a sweet fucking booty and smokin' hot mutherfuckin bling milk.

Artists[edit]

AC/DC: You have two cows. You milk them exactly the same way fifteen times, and that's a good thing, apparently.
Animal Collective: You have two cows. They moo in a very deranged manner about their calvehood, two more appear gradually and they all pretend to be calves.
Antonio Salieri: You have two cows. Mozart has two better cows. So you kill him.
The Beatles:
- Your two cows are the milkmen. Moo moo ga moob!
- Your four productive cows suddenly stop making milk together. Stunned, you blame Yoko for this.
Bruce Springsteen: You have two cows, but they were born to run, so you set them free.
Johnny Cash: You milked two cows today, to see if you still feel. You then send your cows down into the burning ring of fire, and as they go down the flames get higher. You accomplish this while besting Satan in a fiddling contest in Georgia.
Coldplay: You have two cows that have overdosed on valerian.
Cradle of Filth: You have two cows. They both moo angrily at ridiculously high pitches.
Daft Punk: You have two cows, you have two cows. You have two cows, you have two cows. You have two cows, you have two cows...
Emerson, Lake & Palmer: You have two cows, but only one blade of grass to feed them.
Frank Zappa: You have 200 cows, and they all produce different flavour milk. Everybody has to drink milk from all of them to find the one they like.
Franz Schubert: You have two cows. They get cold in winter. You feel terrible about it.
Frédéric Chopin: You have two cows. You don't like the milk they give you at first, so you spend hours each day for weeks milking the cows until they give you the best milk. After much sobbing and despair, you decide the first bucket was the best and throw out all the rest of the milk.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor: You have 2 cows that moo normally and strangely for over 20 minutes non-stop, and when they do, they also play recordings of homeless people in farmers' markets. This does not stop the USDA and other farmers from adoring them.

F♯ A♯ ∞: "The tractor's on fire and there's no farmer at the wheel, and the hen houses are all muddied with a thousand lonely eggs, and a deadly gas blows"
Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven: "I even got, when I was a calf, I even got lost at the city, but they found me... On the... On the park. And we used to sleep on the park here, sleep overnight. They don't do that anymore. Things changed... You see They don't sleep anymore on the park"
'Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend!: "With her hooves outstretched! With her hooves outstretched! (With her hooves outstretched?) Okay? (Okay.) Can you get her? Do you see her?"

Gustav Holst: You have two very fine British cows. You still have to go out of your way to point out that they are not German whatsoever.
John Cage: You have two cows. Neither one ever moos.
Justin Bieber: You don't even deserve cows.
Igor Stravinsky: You have two cows. You sacrifice one to celebrate the coming of spring. The other one starts a riot.
Lady Gaga: You wear two cows. They were born that way.
Ludwig von Beethoven: You have two cows. You can't taste the milk, but everyone else likes it.
Kanye West:
- You have two c... YO RATIONALWIKI, I'M REAL HAPPY FOR YOU, I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT SOCIALISM HAD ONE OF THE BEST "YOU HAVE TWO COWS" JOKES OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!
- You have two cows. One has a calf with Kim Kardashian and stars with her in atrocious music videos. The other creates this.
Madonna: Your two cows, despite being ancient, still produce a little bit of milk. Younger cattle ranchers pay close attention to the way you take care of them.
Manowar: Your two cows aren't for milk. They're for beef. Pure 100% hardcore metal man beef and totally Not Gay.
Massive Attack: You have two cows. They make some milk called 'trip hop'. You make several batches of milk and name them; the one named 'Mezzanine' still shows up on TV shows and ads YEARS after it was made. It's pretty much an open secret that one of your cows is Banksy.
Megadeth: You have two cows, one of which used to belong to Metallica. Endless shouting about who's milk tastes better ensues.
Metallica: You have two cows that engage in a pissing contest about when their milk sold out. Disheartened, you turn to a bottle of Jack Daniels for answers.
Nickelback: Everyone, hide the cows!
Nine Inch Nails: You sold one of your cows to Johnny Cash.
Ozzy Osbourne: You have two cows. They're going off the rails on a crazy train.
Radiohead: You have two cows. The government is watching you milk them, and wants to stop you.
Rammstein: Nobody's sure if you have two cows or hate two cows, but people constantly accuse you of wanting them to invade Poland.
Sabaton:
- You have two cows. One remembers the Argonne, 1918. The sounds of that milking still haunt her to this day. The other won't stop talking about Sun Tzu.
- You have two cows. The first writes a truly epic song about Swiss Guardsmen giving their lives to protect the pope from German mutineers. The second misinterprets that song, and plays it while shouting "Deus Vult!" and "Nuke Mecca!" ad nauseam.
Smash Mouth: Some-BODY once told me two cows were gonna roll me...
Steppenwolf: You have two cows, but they're true children of nature and born to be wild, so you turn them out to pasture.
Sufjan Stevens: You were supposed to breed 50 cows each representing a particular US State, but stopped at two as the cow representing Illinois was too good for milking to ever be topped.
U2: U have 2 cows.
Van Halen: You have two cows, both are great but people can only seem to like one or the other.
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: You have two cows but you die halfway through milking them.
Yes: You've had so many different cows at this point that nobody can keep track anymore.

Games[edit]

Video[edit]

Ace Attorney: You're a defense attorney, and you need to get your client acquitted of stealing two cows. OBJECTION!
Ace Combat: You have two cows that sing unintelligible Latin.
Angry Birds: You have two hundred cows. You slingshot them at other animals that are stealing your milk and they all die of brain damage.
Animal Crossing: You have two cows in your village. They are friends. You do favors for them, write letters to them exchange items with them, and talk to them about random things going on in the town. Occasionally they ask you to come up with a new catch phrase for them.
Anno 1404: One of your cows has stopped producing milk!
BioShock: You have two cows. They are really Ayn Rand.
Call of Duty: You have two cows. You are desperately running out of ideas on how to milk them.
Chrono Trigger: You have two cows. You find out that 999 years in the future, cows will cease to exist. You and some cattle farmers from different time periods decide it is your job to stop this.
Civilization: You have two cows. You spend the entire night turning them into a mighty ranch, only for them to get nuked into oblivion by your Indian neighbor.
Command and Conquer:
- Tiberian Dawn: A glowing green cow fell into a field in Italy in 1995 and started breeding quickly. You abandon your two cows and catch two glowing green cows in their stead, since despite their toxicity they are much more efficient. The United Nations and a terrorist organization fight over the cows, and you get to pick a side.
- Red Alert: Stalin now has two cows, because Einstein traveled back in time and erased Hitler and his cows with a ~~milksh~~ handshake. A battle ensues for all the cows in Europe, and you get to pick a side.
Conway's Game of Life: You have two cows. Next iteration. You have no cows. Next iteration. You have no cows.
Counter Strike: You have two cows and are in a cow milking race, but the cow never gets milked because everyone on your team wants to yell at eachother, and one of them only speaks Russian. ::COWNTER TERRORISTS WIN
Crusader Kings 2: You have two cows on your royal lands, and you want to make things better for them. Too bad you're constantly distracted by vassal rebellions, the Pope being a dick, Viking raids, and Mongol warlords to accomplish that.
Doom: You have cows. They are legion. They are from hell. You have a chainsaw. IT'S HAMBURGER TIME!!!
Donkey Kong Country: Two cows invaded DK Island and stole all of the golden bananas.
Duke Nukem: You have two cows. Someday, they will be better than all other cows. Come get some!
Ethnic Cleansing: You have two racist douchebag cows who don't know how to make good milk.
Europa Universalis IV: You have two cows that net you steady trade income, but if you conquer Africa and India, you'll get even more cows and even more trade income.
EVE Online: You buy two cows, transfer them to your corp, get 4 cows, then have them destroyed by Goonswarm. Oh wait they disbanded.
- You have two cows. One is a hyper complex free market dairy simulator, the other involves flying around in spaceships.
Factorio: You expand your factory to milk cows. You milk the cows to grow the factory. You expand further to milk more cows. It's 5 am, two weeks after you started, and you wonder where your children are. You expand your factory...
Fallout: New Vegas: You have two brahmin. Raiders kill them and you cry yourself to sleep while listening to Radio New Vegas.
Final Fantasy franchise: Back in the 90's, you had two excellent cows. You've spent the last decade and a half trying to breed identical cows, but their milk always tastes funny. People buy it anyway.
Fire Emblem: You have two cows. You spend hours and hours working out exactly how they grow, then argue in online forums about which cow ends up being better overall.
Fortnite: You have two cows out in the public that gives free milk, but the milk is not healthy and costs you $60 to get the rights to said healthy milk. They are popular with the kids, but adult farmers hate them because of that.
Gamergate: You have two cows, but you think one of them might be sleeping with the wrong bull. (There's certainly bull involved somehow.) So you take some photos of both of your cows, add captions like "prime beef lol", mix them in with some footage of cows being slaughtered, and post them online. Suddenly everyone thinks you're anti-bovine, when really it's about ethics in dairy journalism!
Goat Simulator: You have two cows that get stuck inside each others' necks and legs from time to time. A rabid mutant goat drives a flaming army tank into your field and kills them violently and instantly.
Grand Theft Auto: You have two cows. You milk-jack one and shoot the other, just for kicks.
Growtopia: You have 2 cows. They are worth 1 wl.
Half-Life: Prepare for unforeseen cownsequences.
Halo: You kidnap hundreds of calves and biologically augment them so they can kill galactic WMD-worshipping aliens. The barn owners have still not been notified.
Hardspace Shipbreaker: Your cows owe billions of dollars to the farmer. If they die, they get brought back and the farmer charges them for that.
Hearts of Iron: You have two cows. While you're making more cows, you reflect that if Nazi Germany had just done that too, then of course they could have won World War II!
Homeworld: You have 500,000 frozen cows in a giant spaceship.
Katamari Damacy: You had two cows. You and the cows were rolled up into a giant, ever-growing ball that was then turned into a star. You, the cows, and everyone else were probably high on LSD.
Kerbal Space Program: You have two cows. Both die in massive explosions because you tried to launch them into space.
Kirby: You only have one cow, but what it can do varies depending on what it eats.
League of Legends: You have two cows, one is producing slightly more milk than the other so the other is prohibited from producing milk.
Life is Strange': You have two cows. One cow can rewind time. You must choose whether to save the other cow or let it die in order to save the farm.
The Legend of Zelda: You have two cows. When you play a song they feel so good they fill your empty bottles with milk.
Mario Your two cows got kidnapped by a giant turtle monster, and you need to eat special mooshrooms for the powers to get them back.
- Super Mario Bros.: You have two cows. You jump on one of them, but bump into the other one and die.
- Super Mario Bros. 2: You have two cows. You found them because you pulled some grass.
- Super Mario Bros. 2: The Lost Levels: You have two Japan-exclusive cows. They are as tough as nails to raise.
- Super Mario World: You had two cows until Yoshi ate them and turned them into eggs.
- Super Mario 64: You have two cows, but now they're in 3-D.
- New Super Mario Bros.: You have two cows. You jump on one of them, but bump into the other one and die. Those cows look more graphically updated.
- Super Mario Galaxy: You have two cows, but now they're in space and in 3-D.
- Super Mario Odyssey: You have two cows. You can possess both of them against their will with a flick of your hat. If you do, they also sport your headwear and whatever is on your face and have your eye color.
- Dr. Mario: Both of your cows have a mysterious disease that can be cured if you just match pills of the same color inside a bottle.
- Paper Mario: You have two cows, but now they're made out of paper.
- Mario Kart: You race against two cows.
- Mario Party: You have two cows, but you landed on a Cowser Space and you must give one of your cows to Cowser. You hope someone gets a Chance Time and becomes forced to trade their 8 cows and 62 milk jugs they won from minigames with your one cow and only 17 milk jugs you won by landing on only blue spaces.
Mass Effect: We, the Ranchers, impose order on the chaos of organic bovines. You exist because we allow it, and you will end because we demand it.
Metal Gear Solid: You have two cows. One of them is actually a disguised quadruple-agent who's working for your neighbor, the chickens, the Russians and the Philosophers. Look, I have a chart that explains it.
Mindustry: You had two cows but they were killed by spores after the Biomass Synthesis Facility was destroyed.
Minecraft: You have two cows. You start building a pen to keep them in and end up spending the next 2 weeks building the Westminster Abbey.
Monkey Island: You have two cows. Appropriate, because you fight like a dairy farmer.
Mount & Blade: Warband: Please help us! Bandits have driven away our two cattle. Our pastures are empty. If we had just a few heads of cattle, we could start to raise a herd again.
NieR: There are two cows. Will you butcher your cow, which you have raised over a long period of time, to save the other?
Oldschool RuneScape: The farmer has two cows. You slaughter them all, bury their bones and tan the cowhides in Al-Kharid. The farmer still has two cows.
Oh, Sir! The Insult Simulator: [Your cows] [are] [your face] [and] [are secretly fond of] [your cousin's car] [,put that in your udder and milk it!]
Oregon Trail: You had two cows. They died of dysentery.
Persona: You have two Demon Cows. You make friends with the farmer next door, then fuse the two cows together to form a Demon Bull. Because of your Social Link with the farmer next door, extra milk is produced.
Pikmin: You have two cows and they're eating all of your Pikmen.
Psychonauts: You are the milkman. Your milk is delicious.
Pokémon: You have two Miltank.
Portal: Welcome to Aperture Experimental Dairy Farm. Please milk these cows in increasingly difficult ways. Once you have milked all twenty cows, there will be grief counselling and milkshake.
- Portal 2: Ok, so it wasn't the cows you were looking for, but a potato. Wait, hold on... Portal has 6 letters, and there are 2 cows, 6/2=3...Cow 3 confirmed!
Silent Hill: You had two cows here. They're gone now.
Silent Hunter: You have two World War II-vintage cows able to swim in open ocean, both in the surface and underwater. One is German and the other American.
SimCity: You have two cows, they are gigantic monsters stomping your city into bits.
The Sims: You have two cows. You lock them in a very small room with no doors or windows, and neglect to feed or milk. They die and leave puddles of milk on the floor.
Sonic the Hedgehog: You have two cows. One is very fast, the other is good with machines. People liked your cows, so you added another, and another, and so on. Now, the pasture is full of strange-looking cows, and the only people who care about them are fanfiction authors.
Star Control:
- You find two cows in a godforsaken planet. After stunning them and returning to your ship with the cows, you sell both to an one-eyed space merchant. You obtain four credits. The fee to know why my milk changed colour is three thousand credits.
- You've two multi-legged cows that are actually members of a highly advanced species that devolved into animals in order to escape from sentience-eating aliens. Somehow people dislike that.
Stardew Valley: You have two cows. You milk them. As you keep them warm, one of them gives you a large milk.
Skyrim: You have two cows. One day you walk into the barn and find that one has glitched out and is stuck in the floor. The other is walking backwards on the roof.
Spore: You had two cows. As time progressed, you "evolved" them into massive, purple, fire-breathing beasts who now are peaceful traders who explore space and want to defeat the Grox.
The Stanley Parable: One day, Stanley realised he had not received any orders to milk his two cows for ages. What could that mean? [...ellipsis spanning who knows how long a period of time...] And Stanley – was happy.
Starcraft: You start a farm with 4 cows. Instead of milking them you send them over to the competing farm next door to destroy it before he's had a chance to build fences and buy his own cows. COWZ RUSH KEKEKEKE ^______^
Stellaris: You have two cows that you uplift to sentience while conquering the galaxy.
Subnautica: You have two cows. They and you are eaten by sea monsters.
Surgeon Simulator: You have two cows. In order to milk them, you bash their udders open with the milking stool, slap at the milk until it bounces out, and then walk away. You do all this one-handedly and with the coordination of a drunk infant.
Team Fortress 2: You had two cows. They died from starvation five years ago but you keep milking the corpses.
Terra Invicta: You have seven cows. Aliens invade the farm. Your cows fight over what to do about it.
Touhou Project: You have 9 cows. They die if you don't put silly hats or ribbons on their heads.
Victoria II: You have two cows, but you're still not making enough money to overcome your deficit. You steal more cows from Africa and build factories to turn them into canned meat. Now you're making money.
World of Warcraft: [2. Trade][Trolldood]: You have two [Tauren]. And a [Thunderfury, Blessed Blade of the Windseeker]?!1!!
Yandere Simulator: You will have two cows. They have not been implemented yet.
Zero Wing: Both your cow are belong to us.

Role-Playing[edit]

Dungeons & Dragons:
- You have two cows. You roll a '1'. Your cows are eaten by a dragon.
- You have two cows. You roll a '20'. Your cows have found the Gem of Sytheraxx.
- You have two cows. They have levelled up. Your cows now produce more milk and can cast the Fireball spell.
Magic: The Gathering: You have two cows. Tap the white one to produce white milk. Tap the brown one to produce chocolate milk. Use the milk to summon Ice Cream.
Paranoia:
- You have two cows. Owning two cows is Treason. You have been executed.
- There are two cows. You have one cow. The cow says "Trust The Cow. The Cow is Your Friend. The other cow is a Communist. Kill it." Can you trust the cow?
- You have two cows. The white cow requires ultraviolet clearance. You are executed for Treason.
Warhammer/Warhammer 40K: You spend £60 for the starter cow set. You get two cows. This is not enough for a herd. Spend another £300 to obtain a herd. Spend 6 years painting your herd. You then realise that a new rule set for the herds has been released and all your cows are obsolete. Start again.
- Imperium of Man: Questioning the number of cows you do or do not have is heresy. The Emperor has ensured you have the right number.
  - Adeptus Mechanicus: You have two cows. Both are 10,000 years old. You have no idea how milk is produced, but rubbing the udders with scented oils while saying the sacred chants seems to work. Worshiping the god of the cows makes you a heretic, but you're the only ones able to get milk so no one is willing to exterminate you.
  - Space Marines: You have two genetically enhanced cows with two udders layered in power armor.
  - Imperial Guard: You have five thousand cows with flashlights instead of bells. Everyone jokes about you, but you're actually the most powerful force in the Imperium.
  - Sisters of Battle: You have two impractically sexy cows. They burn you alive for heresy.
- Chaos: You have a disturbingly sexy cow, a nearly dead cow, an incredibly complex plan that may someday result in a cow, and a gigantic bull covered in brass and skulls.
- Eldar: You used to have millions of cows, but you milked them so hard it created a milking god that ate their souls.
- Dark Eldar: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO THOSE COWS!?
- Ork: Ya gots two kowz. Dey's much smarta than stoopid 'oomie kowz. Da black n wite onez has moar milk.
- Tyranids: Somewhere within the genetic material that forms Ourselves is two cows.
- Tau: See Communism above.
- Necron: You have two cows who will not. Just. Fucking. DIE!!!
- Kingdom of Bretonnia: You have two cows that the Lady of the Lake gave you.

Traditional[edit]

Betrayal at House on the Hill: You have four cows. One is a traitor. The rest are idiots.
Catan: Have wood. Need cow.
Checkers: You had two cows. Your opponent's king ate one of them. Now you're in stalemate moving back and forth in the corner of the board.
Chess: You have two cows. Cow to queen's cow 6. Bishop takes cow. You now have one cow.
Cluedo: You have seven cows of many colours. The black cow is dead. Which cow killed him?
Jeopardy!: It's the "loneliest number since the number one," and also the number of cows that you have.
Monopoly: You have two cows, but you desire more. You are a savage. Nothing will stop you from obtaining all the cows, least of all your little sister's watering eyes, her broken heart.
Poker: You have two cows. They are better than everyone else's cows. Or are they?

I see your two cows and raise you three.

Risk: You have two cows. You send one to your neighbour's farm where your neighbour shoots it. Because you have a big farm you get given another cow to replace it. You do the same thing again. And again. And again. And again. Forever!
Scrabble: You have two cows. 31 points.
Solitaire: You have one cow.
Tarot: You have two cows. They are enjoyed tremendously in Italy and France, but a group of occultists start trying to find meaningful patterns in their spots.
The Price is Right Don't forget to have your two cows spayed or neutered.
Trivial Pursuit: Who had two cows?
Wheel of Fortune: _ou __ve t_o co_s

Abstract[edit]

Antihumor: You have two cows so you probably own a hobby farm (obviously any commercial farm that keeps cattle would have a lot more).
Threat:
- Aggressive: You have two cows. I will turn them into hamburgers!
- Passive: Those are nice cows you've got there. Would be a shame if something were to... Happen to them.
Tautology: You have as many cows as you have cows.
Philosophy: What exactly is a cow?

RationalWiki[edit]

RationalWiki: You have two cows. You spend your days looking out of your window, with a broken heart, listening to them moo. You calmly lament to yourself, "Why did she have to buy cows?" You occasionally touch them, bemoaning their lack of fur as you sorrowfully wish that you had two goats.
- You have two cows. They don't normally go for self-deprecation or meta-humor, but what the heck.
- RationalWikiWiki: You have two cows, but if both try going into the barn at the same time, they get stuck in the door for a while and nobody gets in. You finally decide that you are sick of cows and no longer want to deal with them. You get rid of them and close the barn doors forever.
- RationalWiki's Facebook group: You have two cows. They are called Chris.
4gnomesinatrenchcoat:You are not two cows, or four gnomes. You are one adult human male. Why would anyone doubt that?
Ace McWicked has two cows, which each produce four different intoxicating fluids when milked. The fluids may be taken aurally.
Antivoid: We have two cows.
Armondikov: Unless your customer knows precisely what you mean by "cows" by explaining it without using the words "cow, "farm," "animal," "milk," "udder" or "carbon-based lifeform," the milk won't taste quite right.
Brxbrx: You have two cows, and what happened to them is worse than what happened to the Jews in Cordova in 1391.
CircularReasoning: You have two cows. One enjoys AFDing sprees and joke-renaming sprees a bit too much, and the other likes protecting frequently spammed pages to prevent trolls from milking them any more, delivering awesome one-liners in its protection rationales.
ClothCoat: You have two cows. One creates too many pages, the other doesn't know how to add images without going to the "help" page every time.
Crundy: You have two cows. You make them into curry.
CUR: You have two cows. You are one of them.
David Gerard: You have two cows. You are constantly in the barn trying to get them to produce enough milk.
DiamondDisc1: You have two cows. You don't bother making a creative sentence following the previous sentence.
Doom Messiah: You have two cows. One of them is the greatest fucking musician who ever lived, and the other sends you long emails about his personality disorders.
Drwatercress: You announce that you have two cows, but they turn out to be someone else's.
DuceMoosolini: Your userpage says you have two cows. It also says you have an Italian restaurant. You actually have none of these things.
Dumpling: You have two cows. One of them is friendly and a wonderful writer. The other doesn't know how to move a page. (ㅠ㉨ㅠ)
Eira: You had two cows. You kept telling them to fuck off and then claimed you were joking when they did.
Ex-Troll Cheerleader: GO COWS! ♥♥♥♥
Feredir28: You have two cows with a Ray Comfort obsession. You refute both of them.
Fat Aardvark: Your two cows shall bow to the banter king!!!!!! Buhahahahaha!
FuzzyCatPotato:You had two cows. You were the only one who knew how to operate them, and when one stopped operating everyone had a collective panic attack, until someone else picked up the slack.
GrantC: You have two cows. One cow is always the voice of reason, and the other is a quantum physicist.
GrammarCommie: You have two cows. One is an overly optimistic socialist who enjoys poking fun at American politics, the other is an overly cynical realist who wonders why no one seems to care about the world's problems. Both are frequently mistaken for Communist cows.
Human: You have two cows that you share with everyone. One day you wake hung over and decide to change the colour of one of them because you don't like it. You spend the next few weeks arguing with everyone else about the change.
Ironclad: You have two cows. You eat them both, morph into the bull, then endlessly harangue the farmyard animals on why we must never let cow-killing happen again.
Javascap: I have two cows. The great pursuit is knowledge, and I love learning about them.
JimJast: You have two cows. They are both batshit insane.
JorisEnter: You have two cows. You drop a nuke (Oppenheimer & Truman 1945) on anything that vaguely resembles a cow thief. You then defend this by invoking the RationalWikiis Consultum Bovum (Cicero 63), which allows for taking these measures (Hendrickson & Hubbell 1939; Teubner 1931).
Jzyehoshua: You have two cows. You disown them for being Catholic.
kauri0.o: You have two cows. One of them is tighter than the other.
Kels: You have two cows. The pictures you draw of them are disturbing to ordinary people.
KleineFurry: You have two cows. They're both oxymorons, and they have AA guns for udders.
Koidevelopment has a Chinese cow and a French cow. They produce some of the finest ~~food~~ ~~culture~~ milk in the world.
Kugelschreiber: You had one cow, but you got rid of it. Now you have another cow that looks curiously familiar. Your entire family have a shitfit over whether it's the same cow or not.
Larry the Insane: You have two cows. You write nonsense cow fan-fiction.
LArron: You have two cows. You make 46,893 graphs and pie charts comparing exactly how much milk each has produced every day for the past 3 years.
LCRex: You have two cows. They're both social shut-ins and refuse to talk to the other animals.
Leuders: You have two cows. Most of the time nobody notices the cows. But every so often, a random angry person shows up threatening legal action unless you remove one of them.
ListenerX: You have two cows tha—REDSREDSREDSREDSREDSREDS!!!!!!
LogicMaster777: Cows are a Leviathan created by the Religion of Dairy. You can't prove milk exists!
Lumenos: Eir has two cows. Ey moves them to 5 different sub-pages.
LuodiWang: You have two cows. Perfectly balanced, as all things should be.
Maratrean: You have two cows. Even they don't care about your stupid made up religion.
MarcusCicero: You have two cows, yet you clearly have no interest in cows of any sort. Some fascist aspie points this out to you and you throw a 2 month long shitfit over this oppressive censorship.
Mei: You have two cows. One of them is useful. You keep losing the other one, and have to get a new cow each time.
Meshakhad: Steak for dinner!
MDB: You have two cows, but prefer bulls. You believe in a higher cow, but don't mention it much.
Mikalos209: One cow is an evangelical Christian with surprisingly liberal views, and the other won't stop stalking RobSmith.
NarkySawtooth: You have two narwhal cows. They are easily identifiable by the rainbows flooding the talk pages.
Nebuchadnezzar: You have two cows. As it's difficult to shoehorn a distrust of memetics into this joke, have a whipped cream one instead.
Nullahnung: You have two cows. They are both really, really fucking nice cows who get along with everybody.
Nutty Roux: You have two cows. They are the reason that everyone on RationalWiki sucks.
Nx: You have two cows or something which was originally two cows. They are massively re-configured, are completely incomprehensible to anybody but you but they are able to tap-dance and create oil paintings. That is unless somebody annoys you in which case ~~they change into killer poodles~~ you leave.
Osaka Sun: You have two cows that use the edit feature too much.
Oxyaena: You have two fossil bovids. One of them is a sock of Morris, the other is a sock of Mikey.
Panzerfaust: Ou have three cows [edit. dammit!] You have three cows [edit. Dammit!]. You have two cows.
PsyGremlin: You have a small herd of cows, all suffering from MCD. Every time one of them falls over, you update your blog.
RobS: You have two cows. The rising cost of cattle feed means Obama won't win the election.
Reckless Noise Symphony: I have two cows, so FUCK YOU!!
Reverend Black Percy: You'd have two truly awesome cows, if only you'd ever get around to adressing them on your "to-do list". You should also probably ask FCP for instructions on milking them... Hmm...
Rockford the Roe: You have two cows that you often neglect, but once you start thinking about them, you spend days taking care of them non-stop.
RoninMacbeth: You have two cows. Both of them announce their frequent hiatuses, but both of them always return because they still obsessively watch Special:RecentChanges. Go figure.
Sam: You have two cows. You always have to ask the other farmers how to take care of them while writing a bunch of essays on them.
Sandflapjack: You have to cows. That's a brigade.
Sethpeck: You have two cows. The first cow creates new pages and makes edits to pages that haven't been touched in a while. The second cow follows the first cow around, correcting grammar, debugging bad code, commenting out or redirecting bad external links, implementing lots of square-bracket links, adding snark and sprinkling trivia, some of it of dubious veracity as well as using ten words where two would suffice. The first cow hates the second cow.
Sievert 81 You have two cows. They are clearly asymptomatic carriers of bovine spongiform encephalopathy and their species is responsible for 75,000 deaths every year.
Smerdis of Tlön: You have two cows. You write detailed articles about how they moo, and about bizarre theories that cranks have about their mooing. Everyone argues about whether to keep them.
Sophie: You have two ~~bulls~~ cows.
Spectral Thief Marshadow: You are supposed to have two cows, but you have none, because reasons.
Stabby the Misanthrope: You have two cows but they keep disappearing for long periods of time before turing up again with different user names.
Stile4aly: You have two cows, but you're never around to milk them.
Stunteddwarf: After a year of studying you realise that E(X)_[Cow]=2, so P(k=2)=(2²e^-2)/2!. Therefore, most of you only have one cow. The other is an hallucination. Or a robot.
SuperJosh: You have two cows. You fart on one of them and accidentally kill the second along with several others.
Susan/Toast: You had two cows. Two cows that worshiped Bronze Age sky daddies.
TeflonTrout: You have two cows. They are alliterative, and produce no milk as they are difficult to grasp.
Tetronian: You have two cows. You can't decide which one to have cryonically preserved and which one to subject to the potentially unFriendly Artificial Intelligence come the Singularity.
TheUmbilicalCordGuy:You have two cows. One eats the other in an act of cow-nnabalism.
Thunderstruck:You have two cows. They've been caught...in the middle of a railroad track.
Tmil96: You have two cows. One cow is obsessed with obscure (usually foreign) video games. The other cow tends to put things off on their to-do list. Both cows are emotional fuck-ups who drink a lot.
tmtoulouse: You had two cows, but now they are owned by a non-profit foundation.
Tolerance:You have two Cows but you Think they are a Social Construct.
Twilight Sparkle: You have two cows. You teach them the power of love and friendship while engaging in wacky hijinks.
Twodots: You have two dots.
Ty: You have two cows. You spend your days moving the documentation on them from one filing cabinet to another.
WaitingforGodot: You have two cows and the state can stay the hell out of their udders.
Wehpudicabok: You have two cows. One of them is obsessed with webcomics for some reason. The other is really quiet until somebody says anything at all about transgender people, and then the mooing never stops.
WonderKirby577: You have two cows. You eat one of them to gain autopatrolled rights and sell the other for 1TB of memes and userboxen, but it's ok because you never really liked cows anyway.
Zero: I have two cows I can not stop geeking out about.
Anonymous User: "But I thought they were supposed to be COWS!" Drink!
- 141.134.75.236: You need to get a cow.
  - 142․124․55․236: You have two cows. Both are pretending not to be cows.

Notes[edit]

↑ For those of you who ~~weren't paying attention in 12^th grade mathematics~~ don't fully understand calculus, this equals two when solved.

References[edit]

↑ Winners of the Ig® Nobel Prize
↑ Are cows more likely to lie down the longer they stand? by Bert J. Tolkamp et al. Applied Animal Behaviour Science Volume 124, Issues 1–2, April 2010, Pages 1–10. doi:10.1016/j.applanim.2010.02.004.
↑ "CERN scientists inexplicably present Higgs boson findings in Comic Sans".
↑ 'This Is Auschwitz!' Belarusian President Compares Cattle Farm To Concentration Camp. Radio Free Europe.

[1] For those of you who ~~weren't paying attention in 12^th grade mathematics~~ don't fully understand calculus, this equals two when solved.

[2] Winners of the Ig® Nobel Prize

[3] Are cows more likely to lie down the longer they stand? by Bert J. Tolkamp et al. Applied Animal Behaviour Science Volume 124, Issues 1–2, April 2010, Pages 1–10. doi:10.1016/j.applanim.2010.02.004.

[4] "CERN scientists inexplicably present Higgs boson findings in Comic Sans".

[5] 'This Is Auschwitz!' Belarusian President Compares Cattle Farm To Concentration Camp. Radio Free Europe.

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