Fun:Unintelligent design

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The First Day[edit]

In the beginning, Gawd™ created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void. And Gawd™ said "Fuck it! I can't see a thing! – let there be electromagnetic wavefunctions". And there was electromagnetic wavefunctions. But He created so much of it that it reacheth the earth from great distances, and must have started its travels before He created it six thousand years ago. But for all His omnipotence, the Lawd™ could not wait for aeons to pass, foreseeing in His wisdom that true believers would overlook this gap, so He played with some physical constants or something as if Stephen Hawking was on an acid trip like white hole cosmology and stretched the universe so that anything that was farther than the length of His big toe was inexplicably red until he got the self-damning photons He created to behave. And Gawd™ saw that it was good.

The Second Day[edit]

On the second day, Gawd™ separated the waters from the heavens. In fact, He separated the heavens so much that man may almost never reach the stars, as there would be a shortage of vital metals, never mind the bloody oil, to make the hi-tech craft necessary. But he still set eternity in our hearts, just to rub it in, the bastard. This is ~1900 years foreshadowing.

Further, He also desireth that the Earth which He had made should have every element. And therefore He createth like 118 elements (and chose to have about 80 or so not decay), and He placeth them in the Earth. But He had only one day to do, like, this massive fucking job. And the angels came unto Him, and said, "Lawd™, mighty are Your works and terrible is Your omnipotence. But, we humbly ask if You could be less stressed and not shout at the lesser angels because of overwork, what with creating every element. We feel, and we're not being judgemental, because we're, like, y'know, Angels, that thou shouldst subcontract some of the boring stuff to the angel Halliburton Azazel, who is new, and desireth usefulness." And the Lawd™ was pleased with the wisdom and compassion of the angels, and He gave the job of distributing the radioactive elements to Azazel, who distributed them fairly evenly in the very core of the earth, and rather less evenly in the crust; there was a bit left over. Azazel came unto the Lawd™, thinking to ask where to put it, but it was 4:30 and the Lawd™ had knocked off early to beat the traffic, so Azazel deposited all the spare nuclear materials in the land of Gabon until the next morning, thinking no harm would come of it. And the pile was of the mass that is called critical. And there was a nuclear reaction, which spoiled the land so that neither would seed grow nor no beast reproduce after its kind for days weeks years decades centuries. And come the morning, the Lawd's wrath was dreadful to behold, and He pwned Azazel's back parts all the way to the fucking desert.

The Third Day[edit]

On the third day the Lawd™ separated the land from the waters. And He populated the earth with every 'erb of the land, and He maketh it necessary for most of them to be pollinated by insects, even though there weren't any yet. And among these plants was the banana, to prove his beneficence. And Gawd™ smoked a bowl, and saw that it was good.

The Fourth Day[edit]

And the Lawd™ placed the earth in the firmament, with a bright star to rule the day, and crashed a molten planet the size of Mars into the Earth to create the Moon to rule the night, even if such collisions would kill all the plants that existed on Day 3 and vaporise the water on earth as part of the work on Day 2 and 3. So the Lawd™ drinks His holy ale and commands the angels to redo the work on waters and plants. Also created He a companion for the sun, which revolveth about it every six and twenty million years. And each six and twenty millionth year, the star, that is called Nemesis, approacheth the sun too damn close, and disturbeth the comets of the outer sphere, and disaster striketh the multitude of leviathans and other interesting beasts that walketh about the surface of the earth. And the Lawd™ saw that it was good.

The Fifth Day[edit]

On the fifth day the Lawd™ created the creatures of the sea, and the fowls of the air. Although His first creations were good, the job was big and stressful. After a few beers, the shit was getting downright weird. The Lawd™ made a creature of the sea with five mushroom eyes, a trunk like an elephant, and semi-legs. Another such creature was a velvet worm with lamprey-ish heads, fourteen spikes on its backs in pairs of seven, and crawling on tentacle-like legs.(with another 6 TRUE tentacles arms) And the Lawd™ demanded another beer.

And he createth the palm-nut vulture, a bird of prey that only eats nuts, and the flightless birds of many kinds, but which still hath wings, really, what the fuck was that all about. Also created He the flatfish, which lieth on its side, but with both eyes on one side of its face and one gill cover uselessly pressed against the sea floor; and also the cormorant, which He maketh an eater of fish, with webbed feet, and the correct metabolism for a fish diet, but which He hath forgotten to make bleeding waterproof. (I mean who does that? Honestly). And of the creeping things of the earth He maketh the slow-worm, which is like unto a snake in that it is a lizard without legs, but like unto a lizard in that it hath shoulder-blades and hips, both completely useless. He also createth the koala, an animal who climbeth but whose pouch faceth backward so its young are always on the verge of falling out. And then he createth the horrifying monster of a creature that surviveth absolutely everything and yet is small and does not surviveth everything. The Lawd™ ordered yet another beer and a shot of tequila, and declared that it was good.

"Oh bugger!"

The Sixth Day[edit]

On the sixth day, the Lawd™ created every beast after its kind, and twigged not that He had already done all that the day before. And boy, did He mess up a few. For lo, He createth the panda, a carnivore which only eats bamboo, which flowereth and dieth en masse every few decades, so that the panda is continually threatened with extinction. And He smoked a strange weed he had made and tried 3 days before and found a beaver and a duck, and glued them together to form this ugly little bugger. And the Lawd™ saw it was good. And when the Angels saw that the Lawd™ was ready to glue another duck with a crocodile they perceived the Lawd™ was beginning to lose the plot, and brought unto Him a coffee with a double shot of espresso, because He needed to be, like, really alert for the next job, which was quite important, actually.

On the sixth day, like, just after the coffee, the Lord created people; male and female created He them. And He made their throats such that they would speak, yet in such a way that His people, made in His likeness, risk, like, choking every time they swallow. And He made their reproductive system in such a wise that it would be fun to procreate, yet in such wise that it is used for sewage on all other occasions, because that's a bloody fantastic idea. And in His wisdom, He created the useless, annoying wisdom teeth. He also gave men foreskin, though He later regretted this and commanded that His mistake be amended and cut off. The Lord at this point offered this author a generous opportunity to, like, shut the hell up, but Lo! The truth shall set you free. Please see the appendix.

The Seventh Day[edit]

And on the seventh day, which was the very first ever of all Saturdays, the Lawd™ ended the work which He had made; declared that He was completely knackered by His week's work; and that He had every intention of getting totally wasted. And thus He did, and it was very good, at least the parts of that night that He can remember. (There may or may not have been couple female angels involved!).

The Eighth Day[edit]

And on the eighth day, when He had drunk some orange juice and felt physically better but was still in a rotten mood, God gathered unto himself the hair of the dog,and after a time He said unto the Archangel Mike, "Hold my beer. Watch this."

And he went down unto humans, and he showed them special rocks that they could put in fires that would make shiny stuff flow out and then freeze hard. And he came back unto Archangel Mike, and said unto him: "There, let's see what the little bastards make of *that*!"

And the Archangel Mike merely rolled his eyes and shook his head.


See here.

See also[edit]

Further reading[edit]